Saturday, January 30, 2010

Etsy Saturdays: IV





In support of the handmade revolution, I bring you Etsy Saturdays!  I will highlight a fun new shop every week, and I hope you will stop over to see their merchandise or find something else you love while you're there.  To see all Etsy Saturdays, click here.
*I have not been compensated in any way for this post*



This week's featured shop is Cute Ability, who has the tagline "fun jewelry for the young and young at heart."  


The first thing I saw was this:


Bringing Home The Bacon Necklace

... and I couldn't stop laughing.  And then I saw a shop with hundreds of cute little ditties, from funny to adorable, and everything in-between.


Here are some of my other favorites:


Golden Birdcage With White Bird Necklace

Spin The Vinyl Miniature Record Dangle Earrings

Key To My Heart Necklace

Rambling  Rose Porcelain Teapot Necklace

Cuckoo Clock Dangle Earrings

Happy Shopping!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Secrets of LOST, Revealed!

I have been busy lately.  Very very busy being sick and couch-bound and lame. Super lame.


But one thing I HAVE been doing with Jeremy is watching LOST from the beginning to prepare for the NEW EPISODE next week (commence freaking out).  Jeremy really wanted to watch all of the episodes in order so we can find all the "secrets" we missed the first time around.  Here is what we uncovered so far:


1.  I still love Hurley




2.  I still love Sayid


*feels tingly*


3.  We both still hate Ana Lucia.  


Actually, we hate her more the second time around.


4.  There are TWO Veronicas in the production crew.


5.  One Veronica was Veronica Collins during Season One, but then became Veronica Collins Rooney in the first episode of Season Two.  We believe she got married.


6.  There is also an Archie on the production crew.  We assume the Veronicas fight over him.


7.  Also, we figured out every other secret, but I don't want to ruin it for anyone. Or brag.


February 2nd, people!!  The FINAL SEASON!!


all images from abc.om

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Etsy Saturdays: III

Yes, I have been super-lame all week, but I will still provide an ETSY SATURDAY!





In support of the handmade revolution, I bring you Etsy Saturdays!  I will highlight a fun, new shop every week, and I hope you will stop over to see their merchandise or find something else you love while you're there.  To see all Etsy Saturdays, click here.
*I have not been compensated in any way for this post*


This week's etsy shop is one that is near and dear to my heart because of the kindness she is showing to one of my friends.


Stoned Fusion is dontating every cent she makes between now and the end of January to my friend Amanda and her stepdaughter who recently lost their entire family and all of their belongings in a fire.  


Just before Christmas, Amanda's house caught on fire.  Her husband told her to get out and call for help while he got their 4-year-old and 8-month-old from their nearby bedrooms.  Amanda got to the window and called for help while her stepdaughter escaped from her first-floor bedroom.  Her neighbors got a ladder and pulled her out, but her husband and babies died moments later.


While the community has been very generous, it takes a lot to replace everything you need to use on a given day -- the things you take for granted like pots and pans and dishes and silverware.  Thankfully, shops like Stoned Fusion are helping out AND giving you a lovely product for it.  


Here is my favorite piece:


Number 5

Check out Stoned Fusion and give them a shout-out for helping total strangers re-build their lives!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Etsy Saturdays: II


In support of the handmade revolution, I bring you Etsy Saturdays!  I will highlight a fun, new shop every week, and I hope you will stop over to see their merchandise or find something else you love while you're there.  To see all Etsy Saturdays, click here
*I have not been compensated in any way for this post*

This week's find is Forrest Concepts.  I was looking for handmade books in honor of my sister, who is an artist and newly interested in book binding, and I stumbled across these handmade journals.

I love that Forrest Concepts recycles old books that would have otherwise been discarded, and instead of just chopping off the covers and calling it a day, they also include selected pages from the books to mix in with blank pages.

Recycled Handmade Journal - Basic WiringRecycled Handmade Journal - Think MetricRecycled Handmade Journal - Tears for a Tall Horse

Here are some highlights from their journal selection:

I love this one.  It made me think of family that recently moved to Winnipeg ...
Recycled Handmade Journal - Think Metric
Recycled Handmade Journal - Think Metric
$15


I was instantly drawn to this one because of the yellow submarine, but the German and the blue cat really hooked me!
Recycled Handmade Journal - Tufo
$15

This one is especially great if your name is Nora.
Recycled Handmade Journal - Busybody Nora
$15

And I love the back cover.
Recycled Handmade Journal - Busybody Nora

This shop is also based in Grand Rapids, Michigan, so if you are a Michigander who wants to "buy local" when you buy handmade, this is the place for you!

Friday, January 15, 2010

A Day Late and a Dollar Short

I knew I would miss National De-lurking day (which was yesterday ... or the day before ... or the day before that, depending on who you ask).


Anyway, I thought I would skip it altogether until I saw this AWESOME graphic on LiLu's page, and I figured I had to go ahead and take the plunge:



So, hey, all you fantastic ladies and gentlemen (or whatever ... ) who read this blog but never comment (especially the readers who are not followers), leave me a note!  Tell me who you are, why you're here, or what I should write more about.  


Or, just reveal your inner-most secrets.  Either way.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My Husband, Cary Grant, Might Be Mad At Me

Jeremy came home from work today (having read the comments on yesterday's post) and informed me, "I am a good husband, and I don't care for being slandered in print, electronic or otherwise."  He also claims that I look nothing like Julia Roberts, and I am MUCH prettier, and that is why he can call her a horse face.


I showed him this:



I also explained that I was joking in the post and everyone was joking in the comments.  


However, I still feel the need to make Jeremy feel a little of what I feel.  So, I thought I would take Steph's advice and see who the Internet thought Jeremy looked like.  I tried my hardest to make mean comments on the results, but ... it didn't really help.



Whatever, he's adorable.  And I love him, even though he makes fun of Julia Roberts. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I Just Remembered I am Mad at My Husband

... and boy-oh-boy am I glad I remembered, because I have been super nice to him lately.


So, my husband committed the ultimate betrayal.  And the person he betrayed? His lovely, considerate, NOT overly-dramatic wife.


Imagine this: Your entire life, you have been told you look like a certain celebrity.  You don't think you are this person's twin, but it is nice to be told you look like a celebrity, and you enjoy it every time a new person says it.  It makes you feel a little good about yourself, even though you realize being told you look like said person in no way means you share her fame or cash flow.  But it's nice all the same.


Okay, have you imagined it?  Good.  Because all my life I have been called Julia.  People think I look like Julia Roberts.  And the Internet confirmed it.





Yeah, I agree.  Probably the huge mouth and big chin, and we certainly aren't twins, but there is SOME resemblance.


So here is part two of the scenario I would like am forcing you to imagine:  Your husband says he thinks Julia Roberts is hideous.


YEAH.  HE SAID IT.  TO MY FACE.


And maybe it happened a long time ago, but I am just now realizing how deep he cut me.  I mean, good god, man!  If people say your wife looks like someone, don't say she is "hideous" or  "looks like a horse" or "has the biggest, most obnoxious teeth in the world."  Just don't.


Instead, maybe say something like "Oh, yes, she is lovely.  I can see the resemblance!  People must say you look alike because you are both just so gorgeous and have those big smiles that everyone adores and would NEVER say look like horse mouths!"  


But that's just my advice.  


And now, I must decide what to do to make Jeremy, the husband who claims he loves me and IMPREGNATED me, realize the error of his ways.  I mean, what if the baby comes out with my huge mouth and pointy chin?  Will he tell him/her that he/she also looks like a celebrity he finds hideous?  Because I'm pretty sure CPS would have to get involved at that point.  And DAMN IT, NO ONE IS TAKING MY CHILD AWAY!!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Smells, Science, and Olives

You may or may not know this about me, but I have some serious issues with science.  Like, I hate it from time to time.


Way back in 2001 one of my Italian 201 classmates, who was lamenting the fact that her legs always got wet in rainstorms, no matter what angle she held her umbrella, once said, "can't science FIX that?"

Those words have stuck with me, and I am forever getting mad at science for not getting smart enough to make life easier for me.



Like, are you one of those people who smells a smell and gets disgusted by the smell and gets all angry at the smell and then, because of SCIENCE, that smell stays with you all day and won't leave your nose ever and then you want to throw up all the time and then you start thinking that maybe you are going crazy or something might be wrong with your brain, but then you're like, NO, I'm not crazy, SCIENCE is forcing me to smell this smell all the time, and FUCK SCIENCE?


Anyway, an entire jar of kalamata olives got dumped into my purse on the way to work, and I had to smell the smell all day and was afraid all my students would go home after their first day in my class and say, "Man, my teacher smells like OLIVES."  And they were one of the four foods I could actually eat, and now I can't eat them anymore AND I had to throw my favorite purse away.
The purse I always get compliments on.


Talk about a tragic day.  

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Etsy Saturdays: The Maiden Voyage


In support of the handmade revolution, I bring you Etsy Saturdays!  I will highlight a fun new shop every week, and I hope you will stop over to see their merchandise or find something else you love while you're there. 
*I have not been compensated in any way for this post*

For my first Etsy Saturday, I am happy to introduce Trafalgar's Square.  Trafalgar's Square features original watercolors, prints, ACEOs, postcards and more, all in a dreamy, whimsical tone.  These images remind me of Classic Winnie the Pooh, and would be great in any child's room, but are also classic enough to grace the walls of any room of the house.

Here are a few of my favorites from the shop:
IT ALL BEGINS WITH ONCE UPON A TIME  Print 8x10
$14

LITTLE DREAMER   Print  5x7
$14

ROYAL ELEPHANT  Print 8x10
$14

I hope you can check out this reasonably priced original art ... and then see what else you find on Etsy!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Never Underestimate a Pregnant Lady

The Smoking Gun just posted an article about a woman who freaked out at a McDonal's drive-thru because she was told dinner food is not served after 2:30 AM and she could not get the Chicken McNuggets she wanted.


Okay, first of all -- did anyone else know this?  Because I sure didn't.  I do a lot of driving and late night traveling, and sometimes I hit a drive-thru for some Diet Coke and something gross like a McNugget so I can power through the rest of the night.  If I had been denied, I too might be angry.  


Then again, there aren't too many things I love more than an Egg McMuffin, so I could have adjusted.  Moving on.



Okay, so Meldoi Dushane was not happy when she could not get her McNuggets.  She was so angry that she punched the drive-thru attendant in the face, fought with the manager through the window, and then when they closed the window to call the police, she punched through it.


The Smoking Gun is over there acting like she is a crazy lady, that no normal person would behave in that fashion.  


FALSE.


Clearly, this woman in pregnant.  Let me break it down for you:


FACT 1:  She went to the drive-thru window looking for "lean" protein.  Yeah, the nuggets are fried, but they aren't red meat.  Everyone knows that a nauseated preggo needs protein to calm the sea of angry waves in her stomach.  Plus, protein is good for the baby.  So, she was actually being a GOOD mother.


FACT 2:  She needed McNuggets and ONLY McNuggets.  Some people might not understand the whole craving thing, but by god, those cravings are real and severe and intense and horrific.  Sometimes there is ONE thing you want, nay, need, and if you don't get it, you might kill someone.  Also, you might not eat for the rest of the day, and that is negligent parenting.  You can't grow a baby without food.  That's a scientific fact.


FACT 3:  Hormones.  Hormones, hormones, hormones.  Those bitches will MESS YOU UP when you are pregnant, and they will drive you to do and say crazy things.  This isn't a repeat offender we have here.  So she is clearly not full-time crazy.  Just pregnant crazy.


FACT 4:  When she was denied her beloved McNuggets, she didn't just yell.  She utilized her crazy mother strength by punching through the window.  This was clearly the strength of a pregnant woman trying to provide for her embryo or fetus.


So, Smoking Gun, the next time you want to make fun of a lady, be sure she isn't knocked up.  Because she might come for YOU next.  I would suggest stock-piling some nuggets.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I'm Onto You, Rat-Man

Does this ever happen to you?  You're living life, holding on to your firm beliefs, when all of a sudden, BAM, someone swoops in and tries to make you not hate them, even though you totally hate them and have never had any intention of not hating them but now you are left wondering what you are supposed to DO with this new information?

Let me back up.

If you are not from the frozen tundra Michigan area and/or are not interested in the NBA (Guess which one is true about me.  Come on.  I bet you can do it. Refer here if you want a clue.), you may be unfamiliar with the cast of characters involved in this little story, so I will introduce you.

Gross weirdo #1: Rip Hamilton

*SHUDDER*  Oh Rip, you are so gross.  And you wear that damn face mask ALL the time.  

Jeremy gets mad and tells me he only wears the mask so he doesn't break his nose, and I can respect the fact that he is wearing a product that was made for the general public and was not custom-made for his creepy ass, but seriously. Nobody else wears those things 24-7 like he does.

He is so worried about his precious nose breaking that he wears it AFTER the game during his locker room interviews?  He wears it during warm up with his own teammates, who are mostly showing off for the cameras and have no intention of breaking his nose?  He wears it when goes grocery shopping at Meijer?  Okay, I may have made that last part up, but I can totally see it, and I wouldn't put it past him.

Does this thing not look creepy to anyone else?  A little like THIS?

And that is bad, because it makes me think of THIS scene:

And that makes me feel all vomit-y and molested, so let's move on.

My hatred for this guy seems to really be wrapped up in his face mask, but I promise you, it is so much more.  He is scrawny, uppity, and when you look in his eyes, you can see nothing but meanness, and in my book, those are enough reasons to receive my hated.

Okay, so there was only one character, which doesn't really constitute a cast of characters, but I like that phrase and it sounded good when I said it up there.

The bottom line is, I hate Rip Hamilton.  Whenever I look up accidentally during a basketball game (because I try not to do it on purpose), I hope I won't see that little rat-man, and if I do see him, I tell Jeremy to get him off the screen or I will scream.

He used to try and reason with me when I said things like this, but now he doesn't.  I think he really enjoys those little moments we share.  I know I do.

Once again, still hating Rip Hamilton.  UNTIL ... I hear someone with an annoying voice talking about how anyone who wants a little cat or dog friend should consider rescuing it from a shelter.  I melted, even though it sounded like the person was an assbutt.  Without looking up from what I was doing, I was agreeing with the person, saying (possibly out loud) "Yeah, everyone wants a perfect puppy or kitten from a breeder or pet shop, but what about all those wonderful animals out there who also need to be rescued?!  And my animals are from shelters, and they are the best animals EVER!!!!  And ..."  Then I saw who I was talking to.

Yup.  Rip freakin' Hamilton.

Confronted with information that was obviously intended to trick me into not hating Rip, I began some serious research.  By this, I mean I rewound the commercial and watched it over and over, pointing out flaws in his evil plot to Cleo and MoJo, the aforementioned perfect animals. These flaws include, but are not limited to:

  1. Rip does not LOOK sincere during this commercial.  He looks slack-jawed and uninterested, and yet also manages to look cocky. 
  2. Rip's eyes CLEARLY move in a cue-card-reading fashion.  Why would you need to read cue cards for a two-sentence commercial for something you BELIEVE in.  Answer:  You wouldn't.
  3. Rip does not SOUND sincere during this commercial.  Rip sounds uninterested and cocky.  And also like he is reading from cue cards. Which is lame.  Sarah McLaughlin does not look or sound uninterested or read from cue cards during HER animal commercials.
Case closed.  I still hate Rip Hamilton, and now I am more aware of people trying to trick me into not hating people I hate.

Please, learn a lesson from this tragic event.  Be aware.  Be ever vigilant. Maintain your hatreds.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I'd Like to Thank All The Little People I Had to Stomp on During My Climb to the Top


OHMYGOD my first award!!  And it has CUPCAKES on it!!  Does this officially mean I have to get a tattoo of a cupcake? Because I think it does.


Well, I must tell you, this is fantastic. Jennifer Lynn over at My Wildlife's Words gave me this Major Award (which I am assuming is not FRA-GEEEEL-AY), and I had never even seen her blog before!  


Get this.  As she describes herself in her About section, she is "a professional researcher of wildlife (specifically black bears and North American elk) and landscape ecology."  Jigga WHAT?


Anywhoo, here is the deal.  I am supposed to list ten things that make me happy and do at least one of them today, link back to the person who tagged me, and tag ten other people who brighten my day with their blogging prowess.


Here are things that make me smile, make me happy, or make me a little tingly (who knew this was going to be a PG-13 post?  I had no idea when I started typing):


1.  Smooching my amazing husband (DONE)
2.  Petting my dog until she makes her little sighy/grunty sound of absolute happiness (DONE)
3.  Tricking my cat into sitting on MY lap and purring instead of sitting in my husband's
4.  Making something so delicious for dinner I feel like passing out just cooking it (DONE)
5.  Watching The Office (DONE)
6.  Drinking lemonade poured from a fancy glass pitcher (DONE)
7.  Bliggity-blogging (DONE)
8.  Looking in my husband's eyes and getting a schmoopy look on my face as a result (DONE)
9.  Laying my head on my husband's lap while we snuggle on the couch
10.  Drinking copious amounts of wine (give me a few months, and I'll get back on that!)


Here are my lady (and one Y-chromosone carrier) loves:


Allie @ Hyperbole and a Half


MODG @ Martinis or Diaper-Genies


Jill @ The Pilgrim Congress


LiLu @ Livit, Luvit


Nicole @ More is Better


Becky @ Steam Me Up, Kid


Miss Yvonne @ Yo Mama's Blog


News From the Scanner


The Daily Nail


If you haven't read any of these beauties yet, please be sure to check them out, pronto!  Make that PRONTISSIMO!  (<- That means pronto times like 100.  Isn't it cool how Italians can do that?  We can just add "-issimo" to any word and make it mean times a lot?  Yeah, that's rad.) 

This Is When I Realized My Insomnia May Have Affected My Precarious Sanity

When is too much too much?


Ah, yes.  When you start pointing your camera in the general direction of your pets in pitch-black bedrooms in the middle of the night and then collapse into fits of laughter when you see how the pictures turned out.  Or maybe it was already too much when I walked into the bedroom and thought they were SOO cute that I should run downstairs, get the camera, get upstairs, realize I left the memory card in the computer, run back downstairs for the memory card, put it into the camera and run BACK upstairs, all the while hoping the animal didn't move and ruin my fun.


In my defense, Cleo was laying on the body pillow my mom sent me ....





Who WOULDN'T want a photo of that?!?


And, my sweet little MoJo poses a lot, and you can't tell me he doesn't look precious when he crosses his little paws!



(That lump under his paws is my husband's leg.)


After taking this senior picture-esque shot of the cat, I may or may not have been laughing so hard I snorted.  I told him I wanted to try to get just one more shot (Like, spoke to him.  Out loud.  Inches from my sleeping husband.) ...





... and it finally hit me when he gave me this "what is your deal, lady?" look.  I have gone over the edge.  


Even more terrifying is the fact that I realized anthropomorphizing my pets is all well and good (it's like my favorite thing ever), but when their imagined emotions lead me to major realizations ... 


Time to wake up Jeremy and force him to help me fall asleep. 


*             *             *              *              *


UPDATE (2:32 AM):  So guess what?  I woke up Jeremy and told him I needed help falling asleep.  But I am still awake.  Here is what transpired: 


Veronica:  Umm, Jeremy.  Wake up.  If you love me, you will help me fall asleep.
Jeremy:  Are you serious?
V:  Dead serious.  I need to get up in a few hours so I can go to an all-day meeting, so let's get crackin'.  Put me to sleep.
J:  I can't just "put you to sleep."  You are in charge of your body.
V:  But if you loved me, you would rub my back and soothe me and sit up and wait until I fall asleep.
J:  Remember how I rubbed your back from 10:00 to 11:30?
V:  That was then.  This is now.  If you LOVED ME, you would help me more.
J:  You can't keep saying that.  
V:  But it's true.  If you loved me, you wouldn't be able to fall asleep until you knew I was safely asleep.
J:  Veronica ... I love you, but right now I don't like you very much.
V:  My mom used to say that to me a lot.
J:  Well ... [rolls over and goes back to sleep]


*             *             *              *              *


UPDATE #2 (2:55 AM):  I guess I really didn't learn anything at all.


MoJo came waltzing over to me, purring, wearing his tail in his infamous "Question Mark" style, and I immediately reached for the camera.  I have NEVER been able to get a picture of that tail!  Tonight's the night!!


BAM!:



Isn't it majestic??  And yes, that IS Michael Scott who is being framed by my cat's tail.  Season 5: Prince Family Paper.


But seriously, maybe I should wake Jeremy up again.


*             *             *              *              *


UPDATE #3 (8:25 AM):  I'm feeling a little guilty.  Jeremy just left for work -- 45 minutes late -- because he hit the snooze too many times.  Which MIGHT be a direct result of me waking him up constantly and crying in his face.


At about 4:30, he woke up and said very nice things to me and tried to rub my back and stay awake.  And this was while I had been plotting evil things to get him to wake up and like me enough again to help soothe me to sleep.


I think he loves me AND likes me!  At least he will until he reads this.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Sometimes I Think Baby Jesus Gave Me Insomnia So I Could Share These Products With All the Normal People of the World

I have an exciting opportunity for you.  Do you feel your derrière is flat and boring?  Do you wish it could really ... POP?  Then look no further!




If you can't stomach the whole thing, here are the highlights:


0:14 -- The first time you hear the *POP* sound
0:36 -- The most ridiculous and misleading before and after of all time
0:40 -- The secret of Booty Pop panties is revealed!
1:03 -- Booty Pop lists all the types of garments you can drape over your butt.  ALSO, awesome dancing in mirror montage
1:36 -- Camera angle accidentally reveals how lumpy one's booty will look when wearing Booty Pop
1:55 -- All five "exciting" colors are shown 


You're welcome.  Here's to hoping your booty is always popping.

Monday, January 4, 2010

I Bet My Husband is Still VERY Attracted to Me

Okay, I am sure most of my (highly intelligent, supremely loyal) readers now know I am knocked up. They also might know that I have started a baby blog. They ALSO might realize that some of the babyness is going to spill over here to my "humor" blog.  


I'm sorry.  Here is the official written warning:  I might talk about the embryo/fetus/child over here from time to time.  It's hard to avoid the bleed over. And if babies make you cry or retch and you need to unfollow me because of this, be my guest.  (Except, I just took a screen shot of my list of followers, and if the numbers shrink I will figure out who unfollowed me and then I will FIND YOU.  And MAKE you love me again.)  


But I promise you this: (I have one hand in the air and one hand on my cleavage) all of the schmoopy updates and letters to unborn children and pleas for advice will be over THERE.  Over here is the stuff that might make you laugh even if you are not a mom and are too attached to wine to ever be one (it was a ROUGH break-up, let me tell you ...).  So, you have been warned.


Moving on.


This baby is kicking my ass.  Big time.  


Today I thought I would trick my brain into thinking I am not dying, and I STOOD UP for longer than five minutes. (This whole tricking my brain thing is getting a little easier every day.  Like when I feel a wave a nausea, I tell myself, "Oh my! A cough is coming on!  You simply need to cough, not puke, self!"  and sometimes it works!)  


While standing up for longer than five minutes I did a bunch of heroic things like wiping down the counters and swiffering the floors and MAKING DINNER.  It was unreal.  Every time I felt like dying, I told myself, "Oh, don't worry, body.  That is not you about to pass out!  That is just the excitement from CLEANING!  Oh, how you missed it!!"  I felt like I had completed a triathalon when I was done, but by God, my microwave was clean again.


It really got me to thinking about those New Year's Resolutions that I was too busy crying to write and how I can still set goals -- I just need to do them from this exhausted and nauseated place.  When little things feel like acts of international importance, you need to keep that feeling alive!


So, here are some realistic goals for 2010.  I resolve to ...


Drop my baby less than 20 times.
Sometimes get dressed.
Leave the house twice a week.


Okay.  That's enough.  


I can probably do these things.  Right?  I mean, I cleaned a MICROWAVE today when I had every intention of staying on the couch all day and crying.  It's all a matter of motivation.  


My plan is the print these out and post them on the fridge.  That way, every day when I accomplish one of these goals, I will feel like I won the Nobel Prize or something.


I suggest you all do the same.  Happy New Year's a few days late!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. IV

In honor of my 50th documented follower (like people who are willing to let other people know they read my blog.  Amazing.), I thought I would sprinkle your average days with an above-average dose of hilariousness: Volume IV of Funny Stuff My Husband Says! To see all Volumes, click here.


Please, do enjoy!


SCENE:  WE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH.  JEREMY TURNS TO ME, AND, OUT OF NOWHERE SAYS:


Jeremy:  Our kids are going to have a leg up on making paper airplanes.*


Veronica:  Umm?  Paper airplanes?  That's nice.


Jeremy:  Do you want to know WHY?


Veronica:  Of course.


Jeremy:  I came up with the best design EVER, and not only did it win the paper airplane competition for distance in 6th grade ... *dramatic pause* ... it won by TWENTY FEET.


JEREMY TURNS AWAY, LOOKING VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, AND CONTINUES WITH WHAT HE WAS DOING.


*Note: This is before we found out I was pregnant


*                *                   *                  *                 *                  *


SCENE:  WE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, WATCHING AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK ABOUT A SPELLING BEE.


Jeremy:  Oh, honey, you know what I never told you?


Veronica:  What?


Jeremy:  I won the Geography Bee in 5th grade.


Veronica:  Oh yeah, you did tell me that.


[JEREMY GIVES ME AN EVIL LOOK]


Veronica:  I mean ... you won the GEOGRAPHY bee?  Wow!  That is really great!


Jeremy:  [filled with childlike excitement] Yeah, I know!  And I didn't even try!!


FIVE MINUTES LATER


Jeremy:  Yeah, I totally didn't even try.  And I didn't even find out until the end of the year.  They were just like, "And, winner of the geography bee is ... JEREMY DIMICK."  And I was like, "Badass!"  ... Why are you laughing so hard?


*                  *                     *                      *                     *                     *


SCENE:  ON THE DAY OF JEREMY'S GRADUATION FROM GRAD SCHOOL, I BROUGHT OUT A CAKE THAT SAID "CONGRATULATIONS JEREMY!" WRITTEN ON IT, JUST LIKE I PROMISED I HAD BOUGHT FOR US TO ENJOY WITH HIS FAMILY


Jeremy:  OH MY GOD.  It actually has my name on it????!!!?!?!!!


Veronica:  Ummm, yes.


Jeremy:  But this isn't YOUR handwriting!  Who wrote it?


Veronica:  The lady at the Meijer Bakery.  [I look at Jeremy's mom and blush]  I mean ... that fancy bakery down the street ... whatever ... yes, the lady at Meijer wrote it.  Why?


Jeremy:  How did you get her to do that?


Veronica:  I asked her.


Jeremy:  And she just DID it?  For FREE??!?!!?


Veronica:  Yes, just like at every other bakery in the world.  Would you like me to cut the cake now, or ...


Jeremy:  I'm sorry, but this is totally blowing my mind.  For FREE?  Just because you asked?  Tell me how it happened.


Veronica:  Just like you might imagine.  Now I am going to serve this cake to your family.


[THREE DAYS LATER]


Jeremy:  So let me get this straight.  You just walked up to that counter in Meijer and held up a cake and asked them to write on it and they DID and they did it for FREE?


Veronica:  Yes, Jeremy.  That is exactly what happened.


Jeremy:  How did I never know about this???


Veronica: [Silently exits room]

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I Have Nothing Interesting to Say Because the Baby Growing Inside Me is Slowly Killing Me

This has been me for the last few days:



Except when my mother and husband convinced me it would be good for me to get some fresh air and exercise by walking the dog.  This resulted in me puking in a neighbor's front yard and then running home crying.  Success.


Based on my calculations (which look something like this -- amount of horrific symptoms / weeks gestation X my ability to handle said symptoms = evilness of baby), I assume my baby currently looks a little like this:




Or this:



Or, perhaps, even this:


*SHUDDER*  


image sources: 1, 2, 3, 4


UPDATE:  Jeremy said he kind of likes the middle one because it looks "spunky."
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