I'm Getting Really Good at This "Writing" Thing

I don't know what the deal is, but things are really falling apart around here.  It started with my trusty old friend ...

Yes, the hot glue gun.  Can you believe it?  It even had some pink embellishments.  I used that sucker so much I often considered just keeping it in my purse in case I needed to use it on the run.  Seriously.


Then, I tried to make a pot of coffee, like I do EVERY morning, and .... I waited FIVE HOURS.  I unplugged and replugged, pressed buttons frantically, and cried, all to no avail.  I finally gave up and pouted, only to hear it kick on hours later and S-L-O-W-L-Y start brewing.  Not helpful.

Just when I thought nothing else could fall apart that day, I grabbed the upstairs laundry basket to take downstairs.  As I reached in to pull out the laundry, I saw THIS:

Yes, a metal pokey-thing that tried to KILL me.  I told Jeremy we needed to fix it IMMEDIATELY, because what if Josephine pulled the laundry basket over onto herself and the metal thing poked out her eye?!?!?!!?!!  

Well, here's the good news:  I bought a new hot glue gun (it's pink!), Jeremy fixed the laundry basket, AND I had a physical yesterday, and the doctor said I was in EXCELLENT physical condition*.  I know that's totally unrelated, but the coffee maker isn't fixed yet, and my body is one thing that apparently is NOT falling apart in this crap-shack.

*Apparently he chose to ignore the state of my stomach.  He's quite a guy, that doctor.  Also, ALSO, he did NOT tell me that I was a bit over my ideal body weight, so SUCK ON THAT, old doctor!!!!  Yeah, you wanna know why?  Oh, just because my blood pressure, cholesterol, and glucose are all STELLAR.  So, you know, I'm healthy even though I weigh more than 140 pounds.  GASP.  Is that possible?  YES, yes it is.  

Now I don't know how to end this.  I've gone slightly off-track.  Am I right?  Ha.  HA HA.  Okay, so laughing didn't fix it.  Or give me an idea.  Crap.  I thought it might distract you and I could just duck out.  Nope?  Okay.  How about this?  Leave me a comment and tell me one of the following:

1.  Are things falling apart at your house too? 

2.  Did you recently fix something you are really proud of?

3.  Did you recently get good news that you wanted to shove in a medical health professional's face?

4.  Do you want to comment on my lack of focus?  (Well, DON'T)

And there you have it.  Interaction.  Everyone loves that.  Comment away!

Oh, Sammy W. We're all Winners When I Get to Shop.

Have you ever had a moral dilemma about spending a gift card?  Yeah, me neither, because, hello -- FREE MONEY.  That is, until my mom gave me a gift card to Wal-Mart.


DUM DUM DUM!


Yes, the dreaded Wal-Mart.  No matter how you feel about Wal-Mart, you have undoubtedly heard about the evil corporate policies that destroy lives all over the world (not that I'm taking sides or anything), and some obviously shop there to enjoy savings and convenience while others would rather stew in a pot of lava than shop there (you'll never guess to which group I belong).


So, yeah, we don't shop at Wal-Mart, but when my mom gave me this gift card that she had also gotten for free from someone, I realized that the thing I thought was the worst option -- going to Wal-Mart and buying things -- was actually what I MUST do.


Let me break it down for you:  Someone had already spent $25 at Wal-Mart to buy that gift card, but had gotten nothing in return.  Therefore, if someone received that gift card and never used it (as is often the case), then ... WAL-MART WINS.  And what do I NOT want?  That's right, a winning Wal-Mart.


But of course, as I pulled into the parking lot the other day and saw the sprawling building next to its sister-building, Sam's Club, I realized there was a whole other layer to this onion of a Wal-Mart problem.  Sigh.  Some of you might already know that I met my amazing, wonderful, fantastic husband while we were both working at ... Sam's Club.  A division of Wal-Mart.  Oh, the horrors.  And yes, it was just as horrible as you might imagine, as I was a cashier at a place that tricks people into filling their carts with things that weigh 50 pounds on average, but that's a whole different post.  Let's not dwell.  


The existential crisis looming in front of me was that if I had not been so hard-up for a job 10 years ago, I would not have applied at Sam's Club and I NEVER WOULD HAVE MET MY HUSBAND, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WHO GAVE ME MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER!!!  Sam Walton ... gave me the best thing in my life??  *mind blowing*

Alright, I guess in we go.  Side note:  I brought my camera hoping to catch some beauties like these, but I got too scared to take pictures of people.  And do you have any idea what kind of strange looks you get taking a picture of the building you're about to walk into?  I'M the strange one?  This day is taking a real turn.


Going to Wal-Mart was DEFINITELY the way to go, because had we not gone, we would have missed out on the awesomeness that is Wal-Mart, like their MASSIVE selection of children's books ...

(Bible stories and coloring books?  Wal-Mart knows how to appeal to the masses)

The wide array of toys for children under 24-months old ...

(my head is spinning with all the choices!)

The wildlife ...

(I don't care who you are -- a bug AND a glass diffuser bottle for only $2.00?  That's a straight-up deal, y'all.)

And what I can only imagine is a doll you buy for your daughter to make her feel better after she cuts her own hair and has to go to school looking like a street urchin ...

(I don't want to be a little mommy to this kid!)

Wait, but WAIT!  Here's the best part:  When I got home, I looked in the bottom of my bag and found THIS:

Yup!  Gotcha, Wal-Mart!  You PAID me to take these things home with me:

bath-time safety!

bath-time fun!

the only socks that stay on my baby's feet!

Who's the winner now, big W? 

I Also Managed to Spend Time on Facebook. Commendable.

I love New Year's Eve.  I really do.  And not just because it is my wedding anniversary (it was my husband's idea, and DANG if we didn't have a blast at our reception!).  I was recently reading the first installment of Russell Brand's memoir, and he says he hates holidays because he hates feeling like he is being forced to be happy.  I feel the exact opposite way.  Being forced to be happy is awesome.  Everyone is all cheery on the same day and at the same time, and there is champagne and singing and kissing and reminiscing and all kinds of fab.

But there's also that "fresh start" thing.  This is what I hate.  Oh, super, it's a new year!  Let's think about all the terrible things about ourselves and our lifestyles and make a list of ways we are going to fix those things and be a million times better and be perfect and amazing and ... oops.  It's January 2nd.  And I already messed up and my resolution is RUINED and I am NO GOOD and THE WHOLE YEAR IS WASTED BECAUSE I CAN'T IMPROVE MYSELF!!!

It's why I put off writing a "new year" post.  What the H was I supposed to say?  "Here are my resolutions and I am going to stick to them!"  No way, homies.  I quit making the type of resolutions that can be "broken," like working out a certain hours a week, because the first week I mess up, I am so disappointed with myself that I just freak out and give up.  

So this year I decided to be all clever and choose three "qualities" I wanted to embody in 2011, and that way, as long as I am working on them, I was sticking to my resolution.  Genius!  I decided 2011 was going to be about Patience, Planning, and Productivity.  BAM. Bring on 2011.

Except ... all of a sudden it was, like, January 5th.  And so far 2011 had been all about the fourth "P": Procrastination.

Shit.

It's not too late! I assured myself. Maybe I can think of things I DID do, and just pretend THOSE were my key words, and then I will still be on track! Genius!  AGAIN!

Okay, so there was ... napping.  Not unpacking.  Not grocery shopping. Refusing to put any Christmas stuff away.  Watching Reality TV.  Eating stocking candy.  Refusing to prepare for teaching Winter quarter classes. Holding the baby.  

HOLDING THE BABY!  That is not lazy or foolish!  You HAVE to hold a baby!  If you NEVER hold a baby you get sent to prison for neglect!!  It's official:  2011 is all about holding my baby!  Oh crap ... looks like 2011 is also going to be the year of Not Taking a Shower Unless My Husband Takes the Baby.  

I hope your New Year is less neurotic (and less stinky) than mine! 

Secrets of LOST, Revealed!

I have been busy lately.  Very very busy being sick and couch-bound and lame. Super lame.


But one thing I HAVE been doing with Jeremy is watching LOST from the beginning to prepare for the NEW EPISODE next week (commence freaking out).  Jeremy really wanted to watch all of the episodes in order so we can find all the "secrets" we missed the first time around.  Here is what we uncovered so far:


1.  I still love Hurley

2.  I still love Sayid

*feels tingly*


3.  We both still hate Ana Lucia.  

Actually, we hate her more the second time around.


4.  There are TWO Veronicas in the production crew.


5.  One Veronica was Veronica Collins during Season One, but then became Veronica Collins Rooney in the first episode of Season Two.  We believe she got married.


6.  There is also an Archie on the production crew.  We assume the Veronicas fight over him.


7.  Also, we figured out every other secret, but I don't want to ruin it for anyone. Or brag.


February 2nd, people!!  The FINAL SEASON!!


all images from abc.om

I Bet My Husband is Still VERY Attracted to Me

Okay, I am sure most of my (highly intelligent, supremely loyal) readers now know I am knocked up. They also might know that I have started a baby blog. They ALSO might realize that some of the babyness is going to spill over here to my "humor" blog.  

I'm sorry.  Here is the official written warning:  I might talk about the embryo/fetus/child over here from time to time.  It's hard to avoid the bleed over. And if babies make you cry or retch and you need to unfollow me because of this, be my guest.  (Except, I just took a screen shot of my list of followers, and if the numbers shrink I will figure out who unfollowed me and then I will FIND YOU.  And MAKE you love me again.)  

But I promise you this: (I have one hand in the air and one hand on my cleavage) all of the schmoopy updates and letters to unborn children and pleas for advice will be over THERE.  Over here is the stuff that might make you laugh even if you are not a mom and are too attached to wine to ever be one (it was a ROUGH break-up, let me tell you ...).  So, you have been warned.

Moving on.

This baby is kicking my ass.  Big time.  

Today I thought I would trick my brain into thinking I am not dying, and I STOOD UP for longer than five minutes. (This whole tricking my brain thing is getting a little easier every day.  Like when I feel a wave a nausea, I tell myself, "Oh my! A cough is coming on!  You simply need to cough, not puke, self!"  and sometimes it works!)  

While standing up for longer than five minutes I did a bunch of heroic things like wiping down the counters and swiffering the floors and MAKING DINNER.  It was unreal.  Every time I felt like dying, I told myself, "Oh, don't worry, body.  That is not you about to pass out!  That is just the excitement from CLEANING!  Oh, how you missed it!!"  I felt like I had completed a triathalon when I was done, but by God, my microwave was clean again.

It really got me to thinking about those New Year's Resolutions that I was too busy crying to write and how I can still set goals -- I just need to do them from this exhausted and nauseated place.  When little things feel like acts of international importance, you need to keep that feeling alive!

So, here are some realistic goals for 2010.  I resolve to ...

Drop my baby less than 20 times.

Sometimes get dressed.

Leave the house twice a week.

Okay.  That's enough.  

I can probably do these things.  Right?  I mean, I cleaned a MICROWAVE today when I had every intention of staying on the couch all day and crying.  It's all a matter of motivation.  

My plan is the print these out and post them on the fridge.  That way, every day when I accomplish one of these goals, I will feel like I won the Nobel Prize or something.

I suggest you all do the same.  Happy New Year's a few days late!

A Tip of the Hat to My Husband

So, my man went and got himself some book-learnin'.  And then got a piece of paper saying he got lots and lots of it and finished it all.  

Yep, grad school is OVER!  Yay Jeremy!  In order to properly commemorate this momentous week, we had multiple celebrations.

After Jeremy's LAST EVER class, we waltzed down to one of our favorite food shacks, The Green Door.  If you are from the Lansing area, you might know it as the smoky townie bar that has live music every night.  BEST FOOD IN LANSING.  And EXCELLENT drink specials.  Smoky and sketchy, but totally a fair trade off.

I took like five pictures, and THIS is the best one I got.  Yikes.

I swear, I am not QUITE this creepy-looking in real life.  My face is white, but not THAT white.  Also, Jeremy is even more adorable and endearing in real life.  Ask anyone.

Ahhh ... sweet relief

He looks pretty pleased with himself!

And he even wore his (new) favorite Central shirt on his last day of class!  Precious.  We stuffed ourselves full of pizza and drank much delicious beer, and then went home to lounge on the couch and watch TV.  This is how lazy people celebrate.  It was like our equivalent of "painting the town red."  I was exhausted.

Then, of course, was graduation day itself.  What a fabulous day.  The fam drove over from the thumb and D-town, then we drove up to CMU.  The drive was filled with inappropriate jokes, name-calling, and mockery.  Perfect.


Then I forced Jeremy and his family to pose for about 189 pictures.  Whatever, they have known me for 6 years.  They knew it was coming.  Here are some of the besties:

What an educated couple (I mean, if you measure education by student loans.  Then we are freakin' geniuses.)

Me, J, and Mummy and Daddy (in a British accent)

(But they aren't British)

This is how he looks about 98% of the time.  Like I said, genius.

Oh, those zany siblings

After I filled my memory card, he actually graduated.  It looked kind of like this.  But much clearer.

Okay, so I don't have a fancy National Geographic camera.  Plus, I was trying to record him with the video camera while taking these pictures.  Have YOU ever tried that maneuver?  I thought so.

After dinner (Smokey Bones.  Yum-licious.), we headed back to our abode for cake, coffee, chatter, and shenanigans. 

Guess who forced them all to do this?

MoJo decided Kayla was the most likely to share her cake with him.  Fail.

Then we realized the creeper snowman on the "Snowman" winter channel (if you have Comcast you know what I mean -- Christmas songs and weird images) was looking at Kayla in a VERY inappropriate manner.  For shame.

During the stimulating intellectual debates that ensued, the animals (his jungle friends -- a nickel for the first person to get that reference) flocked to Jeremy, showing their appreciation for his hard work and dedication. 

I'm pretty sure this will have to be the picture on our Christmas card.  Who agrees with me?

So, to make a long story short -- I love you Jeremy!  Well done, good sir.

Bravo, Mr. Dimick

Today is Jeremy's offical LAST DAY of the summer quarter! We are celebrating with pizza and beer, just like the Rockafellers do it.

Jeremy has been working hard all summer with his two independant study classes (which, in grad school, is code for "we will give you a list of 75 books to read, you write an original and insightful 50-page paper about them." Or something like that).

And now, since he did those two summer classes, he only needs to finish up TWO classes in the fall and he will be done. D-U-N-done! Yay for Jeremy!

Congratulations, well wishes, and cash can be sent care of Veronica Marcetti Dimick. :)