Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XXIV: Reputation Edition

This one is from back in the day before there was also a Genevieve, but it's not Jeremy's fault that if I actually *remember* to write down the hilarious things he says, I leave them in my drafts folder for a year and a half from time to time.

***********************

Jeremy and I often do this thing where we will meet up after getting ready in the morning and notice we are wearing the same color. Jeremy always just turns around without a word to go change, because he's "not that person." One day, he, Josephine, and I were driving to a family gathering when I looked around and then said:

Veronica: I hate to tell you this, but all three of us are wearing blue and white stripes.

Jeremy: You know, you spend thirty years trying to be cool, and then BAM, it's ruined in one day.

**********************

Jeremy said something utterly sweet about Josephine, and then turned to me and said:

Jeremy: DON'T put that on the Internet! I have a reputation to maintain!

Veronica: You got it.

Jeremy: And don't put THAT on the Internet either. 

Veronica: Sure thing.

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XXIII: The Truth Will Out

Jeremy: I'd like to have a serious conversation with you. One in which you are completely open and honest and tell me the absolute truth about something.

Veronica: Ummm ... okay. Is everything alright?

Jeremy: Yeah, everything's fine. But I need to ask you a question, and I need you to promise you will be honest. Totally honest.

Veronica: Yes, yes, of course. What is it?

Jeremy: Okay. When you are taking a bite of broccoli, like when you're bringing it up to your mouth, are you actually thinking "Oh yeah, this is going to taste great. I really enjoy eating this broccoli"?

Veronica: What?

Jeremy: Like, do you really like it? When you take a bite, are you thinking, "Yup, delicious, just like I thought it would be"?

Veronica: You know I thought you were going to talk to me about something really serious, right? And that you had me all worried, right?

Jeremy: I just really need to know. Among friends here, and all. Do you really REALLY like broccoli? You're not just putting me on and pretending you like it because you want me to eat more foods that are good for me?

Veronica: Yes, I really like broccoli. I do.

Jeremy: I just can't buy it. When you're eating it, are you thinking "Oh yeah, this is way better than pizza."

Veronica: Well, I don't know if I'd say that, but I really really TRULY enjoy the taste of broccoli. It's one of my favorite vegetables.

Jeremy: AH-HA! It's one of your favorite VEGETABLES! But vegetables all taste like garbage, so it's just the best-tasting garbage! That doesn't make it GOOD, just because it's the best of the worst!

Veronica: *Leaves the room*

To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click HERE

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XXII: Saturday Morning Edition

I overheard the following conversation take place in the kitchen between Josephine and Jeremy while I was in the living room with Genevieve:

Josephine: Cereal!

Jeremy: Really? You want cereal, too? You have a HUGE breakfast in front of you.

Josephine: Cereal!

Jeremy: Do you just want it because I'm eating some?

Josephine: Cereal!

Jeremy: Okay, cereal. 

Jeremy gets Josephine a bowl of cereal with milk

Jeremy: Wow, good job! That was a perfect bite! 

Time passes

Jeremy: Okay, well, how about some more bites?

Josephine: ....

Jeremy: Josephine. Are you going to eat any more?

Josephine: ....

Jeremy: Josephine, you cannot eat cereal casually. Eating cereal is a serious thing. It's getting all soggy! 

Josephine: ....

Jeremy: Oh, I give up.  

To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Click HERE

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XXI

I'm trying to write Genevieve's birth story, but every time I have a moment to write, G gets jealous, I have to pick her up, and then I try to type with one hand for a while -- not ideal -- then give up, only having added two or three sentences.

SO, in the meantime, I thought I might float you a little Jeremy hilariousness to tide you over. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Veronica: I swear, I wash this baby's hair and a half an hour later it looks all greasy!

Jeremy: Well, she is EYE-talian, after all.

Veronica: *punches Jeremy in throat*

To see all the Volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Click HERE.

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XX: Classic Literature Edition

SCENE: Jeremy, Josephine, Cleo and I are out on a walk on a lovely afternoon. We come up on someone in the neighborhood who is painting a new fence white. Jeremy leans in a whispers in an urgent voice:


Jeremy: Now, remember, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS, we DON'T want to help him paint his fence. 


Me: ...


Jeremy: No matter how fun he makes it sound, it's just a trick so we do all his work and he can sit and laugh at us! Avert your eyes and keep walking!


Me: Okay, Twain, you're right. Let's just keep walking.


(Okay, actually I laughed so hard I couldn't even say anything.)

Funny Stuff My Husband Says (or Types), Vol. XIX

And here's another reason why it's always entertaining to be married to my husband: You might just get an e-mail like this in the middle of the day:

What say you, Internet friends? :)

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XVIII: Green Giant

Jeremy, while riding the stationary bike that he rides EVERY day:


You know, there's got to be a way to hook this bike up to energy-storing batteries; then I could use the energy I create by riding. 


*goes deeper into thought*


Then I would teach Cleo to run on a treadmill and save all THAT energy. Now THAT'S green.

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XVII: Death Becomes Her

Veronica: Jeremy, I am not even kidding, I really feel like I am dying.


Jeremy: Okay, well ... is there something I can do help you?


Veronica: Yes, you can rub my lower back, since that is where all the pain is concentrated.


Jeremy: Rubbing your back is going to stop you from dying?


Veronica: Yes.


Jeremy: See, I find that hard to believe.


Veronica: Jeremy ... 


Jeremy: Seriously. Do you think there has EVER been a situation where a paramedic arrived on the scene and said, "This person is DYING! If we just apply some BACKRUBBING, I think we can save her!"?

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XVI: Fountain of Youth

Jeremy: Ummmm ... Veronica? VERONICA? VER-ON-I-CA??!?!?!


Veronica: Dude, I'm like five feet away. What?


Jeremy: Do you, perchance, have any idea what happened to my bottle of water from the fountain of youth?


Veronica: Oh, shoot, I saw it on the floor next to my bed this morning after I was getting ready, so I guess Josephine must have grabbed it off your nightstand. Sorry.


Jeremy: Yes, wife. I found it on the floor. But what of the LABEL that used to be affixed to the bottle?


Veronica: Oh ... oh dear. Is the label gone?

 

What the bottle used to look like ...

{source}

What the bottle looks like now.

Jeremy: Yes. yes it is. Which means you let our daughter eat a label off my fountain of youth water.

Veronica: Well, I'll watch her diapers, but I'm not gonna lie -- it's not the first paper she's eaten, and it never seems to bother her.

Jeremy: That's not the point.

Veronica: YOU'RE the one who told me you used to be obsessed with eating paper when you were little! She obviously got it from you! I'm sure it didn't hurt her! I'm SORRY! I'll go google "Help! My kid ate paper!" right now if that's what you want!

Jeremy: VERONICA -- I was going to drink that water on my deathbed, and now that the label has been removed, the provenance is DESTROYED.

Veronica: *laughing hysterically*

Jeremy: Not funny.

Veronica: I know, but ... *gasp* I'm just picturing you asking for the water on your deathbed.

Jeremy: Why do you think I bought it?

Veronica: Okay, okay. I'm trying to move past the fact that you want to drink fountain of youth water on your deathbed, but why do you care about the provenance if that's your purpose for owning it? If its only purpose is to revive you from death, then who cares if other people know if it's "authentic"?

Jeremy: Because, DARLING, when I'm laying there dying, and I reach out my feeble hand and croak out my request for the fountain of youth water, who knows what water someone will hand me? "Oh, this water? THIS water? Or is it maybe THIS water you want? Which one do you want, sir?"

Veronica: Don't worry, I'll still be alive, so I'll know which bottle of water you want.

Jeremy: You better hope so.

*Long, dramatic pause*

Jeremy: It's the only thing I ever wanted. *walks away*

************************************************************************************************************

After writing this, I went back and re-read the 15 previous installments of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, and, I've gotta say: BRAVO, Jeremy, I had forgotten about a lot of those. He's a funny man. Want proof? Click HERE.

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XV

The three of us are at the dinner table, when suddenly Josephine starts sassing and pointing frantically. Jeremy finally realizes she is pointing at her empty bowl that I removed from her tray, so we give it to her and she is in heaven.


Veronica: Life is good when you have a bowl.
Jeremy: That would totally be her facebook status.
Veronica: *Chokes on spaghetti while laughing*
Jeremy: Seriously, I think this is a good activity. We should start thinking of Josie statuses.
Veronica: Oh dear.
Jeremy: "I just took a dump in my pants and someone else had to clean it up! LOL!"
Veronica: Gross.
Jeremy: "Mom made me take a nap today. Sad face."
Veronica: That's pretty accurate ...
Jeremy: "Mom wouldn't let me smack the cat! WTF?!?!"
Veronica: *dies*


P.S. For my sister Victoria, and all others who might be concerned: NO. We are not making a facebook page for our one-year-old. No worries.

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XIV: More Evidence My Husband is the Man of My Dreams

He leaves me warning notes.*

He totally gets me. While he does tease me about thinking everything and everyone is a murderer, he realizes it is a part of me. What a fella.


*Clarification: I am not THAT crazy that I need to be reminded about everyday occurrences like postal workers coming to my home. This was a scheduled special delivery, and I don't get many visitors. Therefore, a knock on the door would have been likely to set off my "I don't want to get murdered today" warning bells.**


**Also, who's 29 years murder-free? YUP. This gal *Victory fist pump*

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XIII

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today. To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.


SCENE:  I MADE THE BOLD DECISION TO WASH AND DRY OUR COMFORTER, EVEN THOUGH THE TAG SAID NOT TO.
Veronica:  Look!  It came out perfectly, even though the tag said dry-clean only!
Jeremy:  They're clearly in cahoots with the dry-cleaning industry!


SCENE:  JEREMY IS IN THE KITCHEN, LAMENTING OUR DECISION TO NOT KEEP SWEETS IN THE HOUSE.
Jeremy:  Oh, man, I wish we had a Frosty machine in our kitchen.  NO!  WAIT!  I take that back.  A SLURPEE machine.  Yeah, Slurpee, all the way.
Veronica:  Hmmm, I'd rather have a Frosty machine than a Slurpee machine.
Jeremy:  Are you SERIOUS???  God, sometimes it's like I don't even know you.

SCENE:  JEREMY GETS HOME FROM WORK, TAKES OFF HIS BUTTON DOWN LONG-SLEEVE SHIRT AND HANDS IT TO ME, GRINNING PROUDLY.

Jeremy:  Smell the armpits.  

Veronica:  *Quizzical look*

Jeremy:  Trust me.

Veronica:  Whaaa??!?!??!!  The armpits only have a slight scent of deodorant!  No sweat!  How is that possible?

Jeremy:  Because I'm a dainty little flower.

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XII

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.

SCENE:  IN BED.  JEREMY IS SLEEPING.  I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE OF MY @#($*@*! SINUS INFECTION.
Me: *COUGH* (partially muffled, trying to be as quiet as possible)
Jeremy:  *In one motion, flips to face me, and jumps up into a crouching position on the bed, arms out in front of him* WHAT?!?!?!
Me:  I was coughing.  Sorry.
Jeremy:  I thought there was danger!
Me:  Yeah.  You jumped up like Spiderman.
Jeremy:  *Laying back down, rolling over, closing eyes*  Yeah.  That's just a little bonus for ya.


SCENE:  WATCHING TV.  AN OLD NAVY COMMERCIAL COMES ON ADVERTISING THESE SHORTS:

Jeremy:  UGH!  What is wrong with those shorts???
Me:  Huh?
Jeremy:  They are so ugly! 
Me:  Oh.
Jeremy: ... unnnlessss YOU like them.  In that case, they're fine.  I mean, nice.  Beautiful.  I love them.


SCENE:  DRIVING.  I LAUGH AT SOMETHING HE SAYS AND SHAKE MY HEAD.  CLEARLY HE IMAGINES I AM MENTALLY MAKING A NOTE OF IT TO SHARE ON THE BLOG, AND SAYS:
Jeremy:  You know, I'm gonna start writing down the funny things YOU say!!  We'll see who gets the last laugh then!

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XI

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.

SCENE:  The Truvia commercial (click HERE if you don't know it) comes on and I, of course, gets angry at how annoying the commercial is:
Veronica:  Oh my god, there are so many terrible commercials lately.
Jeremy:  I think you're just getting old.
Veronica:  Harumph!  I'm not getting old!  Just last month I was saying there were tons of funny commercials on TV.
Jeremy: Yeah.  It happens really fast.

SCENE:  Talking about all his plans to revitalize Detroit:

Jeremy:  You know, you could really carpet-bag the SHIT out of Detroit!

SCENE:  I am assembling all our cloth diapers while Jeremy and Josephine are chillaxin' on the couch next to me:
Veronica:  You know, I read something interesting today.
Jeremy:  Oh really?
Veronica:  Yeah, I read on this blog I love that she washes the cloth diapers during the day and then her husband comes home from work and assembles them. 
Jeremy:  *silence*
Veronica:  That's a pretty sweet arrangement, huh?
Jeremy:  Well, I guess you should have married that guy.
Veronica:  Yeah, probably.
Jeremy:  But then, of course, your baby wouldn't look like THIS (picking up Josephine and shoving her in my face). 

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. X: Recurring Utterances

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.

There are a few things that Jeremy has been saying over and over again lately.  Let me tell you about them ...


Whenever Jeremy tells me about something "bad" MoJo does and I say something like "He didn't mean it" or "He's just a cat," Jeremy then retorts:
"You defend that cat like he split the atom!"


Whenever the cat or dog get too close to Jeremy's legs when he is walking or going up or down the stairs (because he is convinced they are trying to trip him on purpose), he shouts:
"Sabotage!"


Whenever I ask Jeremy to change Josephine's diaper and he gets upstairs to find poop, he yells at me:
"You set me up!"


Apparently, Jeremy ranks the animals in accordance with their behavior ...


Whenever the cat does something Jeremy likes, he turns to Cleo and says:
"Watch out, Cleo, you're slipping to #2."


Whenever the cat does something Jeremy doesn't like, he says:
"See MoJo, this is why you're #2." 

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. IX

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.


SCENE:  Josephine is laying on the bed and Jeremy is sitting by her, leaning over to chat with her
Jeremy:  [to Josephine]  Historiography.  Symphonic.  Non-Agression Pact.  Casus Belli.
Veronica:  What ARE you doing?
Jeremy:  Saying smart words.  You know, to make her smart.  Can you give us some alone time?
Jeremy:  [to Josephine]  Literary.  Judicial.  


SCENE:  It's a few weeks before Christmas and I'm just sitting down after work and taking off my earrings
Veronica:  Oh, man, one of my earrings just broke!
Jeremy:  That's lame.  But maybe Santa will bring you some new earrings for Christmas.
Veronica:  Okay, but tell Santa I want work-appropriate earrings.
Jeremy:  ... Santa doesn't know what work-appropriate earrings are ...
Veronica:  Well, they are silver and classy and subtle, not fun and flashy like my non-work earrings.
Jeremy:  ... Santa doesn't know what work-appropriate earrings are ...


SCENE:  Jeremy is feeding Josephine on her second day ever of eating solids, and she is eating way better than she did the day before
Jeremy: [to Josephine]  Oh my gosh!  You're eating like a CHAMP!  My little Kobayashi!  Aww, I can't wait to watch Nathan's hot dog eating contest with her on the Fourth of July!


SCENE:  Watching the episode of 8 Simple Rules (What?  I watch ABCFamily during the day.  What do you do?  WORK?  Pshh.) after Jon Ritter died and cringing when the wife's mom says, "It's all a part of God's plan" -- that phrase would NOT help a selfish person like myself in a time of grief.  

Veronica:  If you die before me, I'm getting a shirt made that says "Don't say it was all a part of God's plan unless you want to get STABBED."

Jeremy:  [holding a cookie in each hand] IF?!?! [through a mouth full of cookies]

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. VIII: "Making fun of pictures of his wife" Edition

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.


I know *I* already made fun of this one, but I can make fun of MYSELF, dammit.  He is supposed to say kind and complimentary things about me at all times.  I put it in our vows.


Anyway, when he saw this beauty:

He said, "Oh.  Lord.  Oh Lord.  Give me that.  I need a closer look.  Wait, a closer look was too much.  It's just all TOO MUCH.  Take it back."


Love you too, a-hole.


Apparently, Jeremy is an expert in the area of hats.


When he saw this picture:

He said, "You can always tell when people who don't normally wear hats try to wear hats.  So sad."


And then when he saw this one:

He said, "Look, there it is again!  Why do you even try to wear hats?"


As this one caught his eye:

He said, "Oh, are you all tarted up in this one?  Let me see it."

Veronica:  TARTED up?  What the eff?

Jeremy:  Oh, I guess not.

Veronica:  Tarted up?

Jeremy:  Yeah, I thought maybe you were wearing a club shirt.

Veronica:  Nope, just a cotton halter and a grey cotton hoodie from the GAP.

Jeremy:  That actually sounds pretty slutty.  Can I see that picture again?

Veronica:  Absolutely not.

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. VII

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.


SCENE: WATCHING CONAN MAKE FUN OF THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE
Jeremy:  Ah, yes.  [what sounds like] Elvoldemort.
Veronica:  Elvoldemort?
Jeremy:  L.
Veronica: ...
Jeremy:  Voldemort.
Veronica:  ...
Jeremy:  L. Voldemort.
Veronica:  ...
Jeremy:  Lord Voldemort. 
Veronica:  SIGH.
Jeremy:  Like, H. Potter versus L. Voldemort.

Veronica:  Enough with the H. Potter stuff.  You have been saying it non-stop for weeks, and I think you're doing it just because you know it makes me angry.

Jeremy:  Seriously though.  Do you prefer H. Potter or Harry P.?

Veronica:  Shut up.

Jeremy:  H. Potter it is.

SCENE:  IN BED.  I ACCIDENTALLY FLAIL AND SMACK MY HEAD INTO JEREMY'S, WAKING UP BOTH OF US.
Veronica:  [groggily] Oh, man ... I just hit you ... sorry.  [Falling back to sleep]
Jeremy:  Don't bash your egghead into my skull, egghead!
Veronica:  [Suddenly wide awake]  What the hell did you just say to me?? You better be dream-talking, because that was HARSH!
Jeremy:  Oh, come on.  Egghead?  That is a total compliment!  It means I think you're smart!
Veronica:  Ass.  [Rolls over]
Jeremy:  [whispering]  You're not going to remember this in the morning? ... Are you? 


SCENE: WATCHING The True Story of Thanksgiving ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL
Narrator:  ... so, the Yankees settled the Great Lakes region ...

Jeremy:  You see, Josephine, your family, or "The Yankees" came over many many generations ago and helped settled the Great Lakes region. ALL THIS [waves arms around him in sweeping motion to indicate Michigan] is because of your ancestors.

Josephine:  [stares]

Jeremy:  Well, half of your ancestors anyway.

Veronica:  Thank you for the accuracy.

Jeremy:  Your mother's side of the family was still in Crazyland.

Veronica:  Excuse me?

Jeremy:  You know, The Land of Emotion.

Veronica:  You can't be referring to Italy, can you?

Jeremy:  Yes, yes I can.

Veronica:  [Through clenched teeth] You are SO dead.

Jeremy:  See!  You're proving my point!!

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. VI

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.


ALSO, if you did not already know that LiLu, who makes recording her hilarious boyfriend an art, has a whole new blog dedicated to the "Funny Shiz Her Boyfriend Says" ... well, now you do.  Head on over!


SCENE:  Reading One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish to Josephine:


Jeremy:  "Some are sad. And some are glad. And some are very, very bad. Why are they sad and glad and bad? I do not know. Go ask your dad."


*PAUSE*


Jeremy:  [in a whisper] But I'm her dad!


Veronica:  Are you afraid you won't know the answer when she asks you?


Jeremy:  YES!


SCENE:  We are sitting on our bed, staring adoringly at our baby (as usual):


Jeremy:  [reaches down to touch Josephine's face]  Wow, she is warm.


Veronica:  Yeah, she gets hot easily.  I have to be really careful how I dress her.  She seems most comfortable in short sleeves, even though it is getting colder in the house.


Jeremy:  Awesome!  Think of all the money we'll save on coats!

SCENE:  We are watching TV and a lame Arby's commercial comes on.  The guy says "All I really want in life is a little bang for my buck."

Veronica and Jeremy [simultaneously]:  Oh, really?  That's ALL you want? (or something stupid like that.  We are those people who comment on commercials.  I KNOW.)

*PAUSE*

Jeremy:  All I really want in life is a dog that craps hundred dollar bills.

Veronica:  ... Jeremy ... [*half-disgusted/half-amused look*]

*LONG PAUSE*

Jeremy:  Seriously.  That would be pretty awesome.

*LONG PAUSE*

Jeremy:  No, really.  I would be feeding that dog ALL THE TIME.

Veronica:  Seriously?  This is your dream?

Jeremy:  It's not yours?

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. VI

And now, faithful friends, I bring you the long-anticipated "Dad Edition" of Funny Stuff My Husband Says.  I've got a doozy for ya, folks.  To see past episodes, click here.

Jeremy:  [Looks at baby] Oh, cute outfit, Josephine!  You have little giraffes on your shirt!

Veronica:  Umm, excuse me?

Jeremy:  What?

Veronica:  Those aren't giraffes.  Not even a little.

Jeremy:  Horses?

Veronica:  Closer.

Jeremy:  Fancy horses?

Veronica:  Dear god ...

"Umm, Dad?  Have you ever been to a zoo?"

Veronica:  Yes, they are those fancy white horses that have black stripes. See you after work.

Jeremy:  What?