An Ode to SNL

It seems whenever I ask people if they watch Saturday Night Live, they always say something like "Oh, I used to watch it, but it isn't very funny anymore."


Well, guess what?  FALSE.


I love SNL, and to bring back viewers to my favorite Saturday show, I would like to provide you with some of my favorite recent funnies.


Please, do enjoy:


First up:  "Snookie" from Jersey Shore shows up on Weekend Update!:



Next, SNL continues the tradition of hilarious commercials:



Now, a topical Twilight sketch that is even funny for non-fans!:



And one of my favorite cast members, who I seem to like even better in drag:

This Is What I Did When I Didn't Sleep a Single Wink Thursday Night. Now, You Too Must Suffer.

Okay, I know like everyone in the world has seen this Celebrity look-alike website, and lots of my favorite bloggers have already done this and it is highly unoriginal, but I found it entertaining and I am now forcing you to look at it.  Deal with it.  Thanks. 


This Celebrity Look-alike thing is asking me for a picture in which I am looking straight at the camera.  Well, I don't do that, because everyone knows that makes your nose look bigger and your cheekbones disappear.  Is that just me?  Well, here is evidence of the phenomenon -- this is the best head-on photo I could find:

Not too shabby.  Anne Hathaway is cute, and she even has the same name as Shakespeare's wife, so, bonus.


Okay, well, I really like this picture of myself:

I think I look happy.  Let's try it.

Really??!?!  Billy Bob Thorton AND Lionel Richie in the same collage as Claudia Schiffer?  Perhaps I did something to break the machine by not using a front-facing photo.  


All right, I have better pictures.

Oh, Julia Roberts and Brigitte Bardot!  Cool.  And ... Nancy Kerrigan ... and ... Michelle Kwan? LANCE BASS??!?!??  Really, Internet?  I should probably cut my losses and get off this website.


Nah.


Instead, I think I should try this GLORIOUS photo from my wedding day:

Classy.


I was assuming I would be matched up with Eva Longoria or Kim Kardashian.


Instead ....

This is much more of a slam to Anne Frank than anything else.  Sorry.  I loved your diary.  What?  Those were your private thoughts and you didn't want anyone to read them?  Umm ... 


Finally, the face Jeremy sees on a regular basis ...

Sir Ian McKellen!  Take that, bitches!  Does this mean I will get knighted?


The moral of the story: Don't ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer.

Spreading The Love, One Viral Video at a Time

I can't believe I haven't posted this yet.  I seriously feel like a negligent parent.


Please, do enjoy:





P.S. I am not trying to make fun of Christians here!  


Okay, maybe not Christians as a WHOLE, but definitely some, because I am guessing the members of this group are Christians.  


I mean, if they weren't Christian, then what's with all the putting of the word "Christian" before things?  I don't think it's to get paid, because I bet there are other groups who would pay more than Christians.  


Again, that was not intended to denigrate Christians in any way.  I am sure if you are a Christian and reading this, you are super rich.  However .. side hugs?  I AM making fun of those.  


Oh geez.  But, I am not making fun of people who can ONLY give side hugs.  Shit.  I bet there are people out there -- people with only one arm, maybe? -- who prefer giving side hugs.  Well, I am talking about those specific "performers" who are encouraging people to only side hug because it is the only way for Christians to avoid sexy-time.  


Great, now I have offended sex addicts?  Right?  Oh ... you weren't going there?  Okay.  Well, did you notice that they pretended to get SHOT at the end of the "song"?  That's funny and not offensive, right?  


Shit, the NRA ...


Let me start over:  Dear readers, I love all of you, no matter what your religion, penchant for particular types of hugs, or love of being fake shot.  I just think this video is pretty damn HI-larious.  


Love and Side Hugs!


Veronica


EDIT:  My AMAZING little sister is the person who clued me in on this fabulousness, so props to Victoria (Is that better, Vicki?)

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. III

In honor of celebrating my husband, I decided to roll out another edition of "Funny Stuff My Husband Says."  To see all volumes, click here.


SCENE:  Jeremy is looking through the owner's manual for the awesome new BlueRay player that came as part of the package deal when we got our new TV on sale.  We got the BlueRay player, but the TV will not be delivered for two more days.  Therefore, he is walking me through worst-case-scenarios involving wireless something and streaming something, and something something something.

Veronica:  [Interrupting] Well, like I said before, maybe we could just WAIT until the TV comes, because all of these scenarios might not even exist, so we might not need to worry about them.  Or even DISCUSS all of them.

Jeremy:  [to the dog] Cleo, are you hearing this?  My own wife does not want to hear my thoughts.

Veronica:  [sigh] Yep, that's right.

Jeremy:  My question is, Cleo, if she didn't want to hear me blather on all day, then WHY did she MARRY ME?

Veronica:  [laughing]

Jeremy:  Excuse me, Veronica, but I was not addressing you.  I was having a private conversation with Cleo.  [to the dog] Great, now she's spying on me, Cleo!

*              *                *                 *                  *                  *


SCENE:  Jeremy and I are watching A Charlie Brown Christmas.  Snoopy begins ice skating.

Jeremy:  [to the dog] Cleo, I want you to take a page out of Snoopy's book.

Me:  What?  You want her to ice skate?

Jeremy:  Sure.  Ice skating, general human-like activites, you know.


*                *               *                 *                   *                 *


SCENE:  Eating dinner on the couch and watching Ace of Cakes.  Mary Alice says something about "acting like grown-ups."


Me:  [Through a mouthful of chili and cheese dip and tortilla chips]  Hmm.  We should try that sometime.


Jeremy:  What?  Act like grown-ups?


Me:  Yeah, eventually.


Jeremy: [In a cockney accent] Not bloody likely.


*              *                *                  *                   *                    *            


SCENE:  It is early morning, and Jeremy has just discovered that MoJo has (once again) been scratching right outside our bedroom door, causing destruction that will have to be repaired.  Jeremy becomes enraged.


Jeremy:  Veronica, I hope you know that I am going to punch MoJo in his little cat face the next time I see him.


[The jingling of the bell on his collar rings out]


Veronica:  NOOO!  Run, MoJo, RUN!!


*                *                  *                   *                   *                  *


[SCENE:  Sitting on the couch]


Jeremy:  Hey, Simpsons is new tonight.


Veronica:  Oh.


Jeremy:  Don't you care?


Veronica:  Not really.  They haven't been very good lately.


Jeremy:  OH!  So is that what you are eventually going to do to me?   Just CAST ME ASIDE when I'm no longer quote good unquote?  You  make me sick.


Veronica:  Jeremy.  [sigh].  I love you.  And you will always be "good."  And this is very different, because you are my husband, and The Simpsons is a television program.


Jeremy:  You have to stay TRUE to the things in your life when you have taken so much from them and they have given you so many good times!  You can't just cast them away because they suck ...


*                *                   *                   *                    *                    *


SCENE:  MoJo has just climbed onto Jeremy's lap and is looking adoringly up into his face.  I swoon.  Instead of swooning, Jeremy looks MoJo right in the face and starts singing to him, to the tune of the theme song for the The Cleveland Show (If you haven't heard it, take a listen here first)


Jeremy:  [singing] My name is MoJo cat/
             and right now I smell real bad/
             I like to scratch a lot/
             and make that Jeremy mad


Veronica:  [loses her shit laughing]

Fantastic Photo Fun, OR, What I Did Today When I Should Have Been Grading Papers

My hilarious boss just sent me a funny e-mail.  He is the best boss I could ask for --he is very understanding, and is always looking for ways to lighten our load or make us laugh, so in true form, he sent us an e-mail with a funny picture of himself with the words "Happy Holidays" sprayed under it in paint to make us laugh while we are slammed with finals.


I decided to reciprocate, and I had a very specific funny picture in mind to send him that required me to crawl up into the attic and dig through a bunch of old albums.  Boy, oh, boy did I find a treasure trove of old goodies!!

First of all, here is the picture I sent to my boss:

He's gonna love it.

Next, I stumbled upon some of my favorite ever pictures of my niece and nephew:

I love this picture of me and my nephew!

And this picture of my brother and our niece?  Priceless.

My sweet little nephew found his feet!

I found a lot of other oldies-but-goodies too!  Like this ...

This is about the level of enthusiasm we've come to expect from the littlest Marcettis

Oh, and Jess -- did anyone ever tell you that THIS is how Tommy used to entertain himself?

On our way to the Warped Tour.  I'm so punk rock I can hardly stand it.

And, can I add -- why the BLEEP is everyone else in my family so dark and lovely and I am Casper the friendly ghost??

Old School Arlene (with her twinsie, Aunt Julie)

Old School Victoria

Old School Tommy (Sorry, Tommy!)

And, of course, some CLASSIC Van Sickle shenanigans! 

Aunt Julie, cat-wrangling on Christmas

Oh, those cousins!

FIN.

Ad Executives Made Me Do It

Okay, I am having a total moral dilemma here.  It is nothing terribly interesting (meaning it does not involve porn, handicapable individuals, wedding vows, or even prostitution).  Nope, it just involves mice.


I have a HUGE issue with kill traps for ANY animal, no matter where they fall on the pest spectrum (0 being this and 10 being this).


There are no-kill traps available.  And then when you catch said mouse in your no-kill trap, you can just drive the mouse out to the country.  And leave it at a farm.  Like, a really awesome farm with an old lady who makes pies and wears aprons and is roughly 68-76 years old and wears rose perfume and puts her pies on the windowsill to cool.  Or something.


Right.  I hate mouse traps.  So why, oh why, cruel world, do I love THIS eva so much?

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. II

My husband says so many dang funny things that the first volume couldn't contain him and I had to move on to Volume II.  To see all volumes, click here.  Enjoy!


SCENE:  Jeremy is teasing me about being a spendthrift (Yeah, I spent $9 on slippers.  Seriously.) and starts his "Rockafeller" routine.

Jeremy:  Oooh!  American Eagle slippers!  Aren't we fancy?

Veronica:  Shut it.  I got them at Payless and they were cheap.

Jeremy:  [in a mocking tone]  Oh, we are so rich.  Make it rain, baby!  Make it rain [makes motions that he later explains is supposed to represent money raining from the sky]  We're so rich we have a cat AND a dog!


*               *                *                   *                    *

 
SCENE:  We just got done flipping our mattress (best decision we have made in months) and we are remaking the bed.

Jeremy:  [Wistfully] I don't know how I ever lived without a bed skirt.

Veronica:  HAHA!  Good one!

Jeremy:  No, seriously.  Bed skirts are so classy.


*               *                 *                   *                  *


SCENE:  Jeremy is coming home for lunch on Friday, my day off.  

Jeremy: [Pops head in door and begins singing] "It's like raaaaaayyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyynnnnnnnnnnnn/ on your wedding day!!!"

[Jeremy stops singing and points to me]

Veronica:  "It's a freeeeeeee riiiiiiiiiiddddddddddeeeeeee/ when you already paid!!"

[We sing back and forth for a few mintues.  Loudly.  MoJo runs upstairs.  Cleo looks very concerned and paces back and forth between us.]

Jeremy: [sigh]  See, it's a good thing I'm not Hef and you're not a cougar.

Veronica:  Ummmmm .... why?

Jeremy:  We wouldn't have been able to enjoy that little bit of common pop culture.

Funny Stuff My Husband Says

SCENE:  Jeremy has returned from his night class and is trying to catch up on the Tigers game I DVRed (if they win, they win the pennant!).  I, however, am keeping up in real time on my laptop.  For an hour I do not admit to this and pretend I am playing FarmVille.

Veronica:  I have a confession to make.

Jeremy:  ... what?

V:  I am not playing FarmVille.

J:  What?  What are you doing?  Is it bad?

V:  I am at detroittigers.com keeping up with the game in real time [Jeremy cuts me off]

J:  How COULD you?!?!!?!  There is a WINDOW in this room!!  What if I see the REFLECTION of your laptop and see the SCORE?!?!!?!!!!  Then this has all been for nothing!!


*                 *                 *                   *                    *                    * 

SCENE:  We are sitting on the couch.  I am sending someone a message on Facebook and notice it is Sweetest Day.

Veronica:  Hey ... when is Sweetest Day?

Jeremy:  ... Happy Sweetest Day ...

SCENE:  A few hours later, sitting at the kitchen table with his mother and laughing about how Sweetest Day was a big deal when we were first dating and now we miss it every year.

V:  Remember what a great Sweetest Day you gave me the first year we were dating?

J:  Ummm ... no?

V:  Are you serious?!?!  You got me a wonderful card, roses, a ton of candy, a cute little stuffed bear with angel wings [Jeremy interrupts]

J:  Oh yeah.  What happened to that bear?

V:  Irrelevant.  AND you took me to see Our Town, and then we went to dinner!!

J:  Holy SHIT!!  No wonder you married me!!

*               *                  *                   *                   *                     *

SCENE:  Exiting The Rocky Horror Show with my little sister and mother, after watching his little sister perform (while sitting with his parents, most of his siblings, my mother, and my little sister).

Jeremy: [Turns to my little sister, looking like a scandalized Puritan] So many curses ...


*              *                  *                   *                    *                    *

SCENE:  I am hurriedly gathering my purse and keys.

Veronica:  Okay, I am heading out to Target.

Jeremy:  What do we need at Target?

V:  I need to buy more bandaids for the toe that SOMEONE mutilated.

J:  Oh.  So you are just going to buy bandaids?

::PAUSE::

V:  Okay.  See you later.  [EXIT]


UPDATE:  Who knew it would become a series?  Click here for all volumes.

And Hilarity Ensues

Hot Air Balloon Rides

This made me laugh a lot today. And I was in dire need of a good, hard belly laugh.