Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XXIII: The Truth Will Out

Jeremy: I'd like to have a serious conversation with you. One in which you are completely open and honest and tell me the absolute truth about something.

Veronica: Ummm ... okay. Is everything alright?

Jeremy: Yeah, everything's fine. But I need to ask you a question, and I need you to promise you will be honest. Totally honest.

Veronica: Yes, yes, of course. What is it?

Jeremy: Okay. When you are taking a bite of broccoli, like when you're bringing it up to your mouth, are you actually thinking "Oh yeah, this is going to taste great. I really enjoy eating this broccoli"?

Veronica: What?

Jeremy: Like, do you really like it? When you take a bite, are you thinking, "Yup, delicious, just like I thought it would be"?

Veronica: You know I thought you were going to talk to me about something really serious, right? And that you had me all worried, right?

Jeremy: I just really need to know. Among friends here, and all. Do you really REALLY like broccoli? You're not just putting me on and pretending you like it because you want me to eat more foods that are good for me?

Veronica: Yes, I really like broccoli. I do.

Jeremy: I just can't buy it. When you're eating it, are you thinking "Oh yeah, this is way better than pizza."

Veronica: Well, I don't know if I'd say that, but I really really TRULY enjoy the taste of broccoli. It's one of my favorite vegetables.

Jeremy: AH-HA! It's one of your favorite VEGETABLES! But vegetables all taste like garbage, so it's just the best-tasting garbage! That doesn't make it GOOD, just because it's the best of the worst!

Veronica: *Leaves the room*

To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click HERE

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XX: Classic Literature Edition

SCENE: Jeremy, Josephine, Cleo and I are out on a walk on a lovely afternoon. We come up on someone in the neighborhood who is painting a new fence white. Jeremy leans in a whispers in an urgent voice:


Jeremy: Now, remember, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS, we DON'T want to help him paint his fence. 


Me: ...


Jeremy: No matter how fun he makes it sound, it's just a trick so we do all his work and he can sit and laugh at us! Avert your eyes and keep walking!


Me: Okay, Twain, you're right. Let's just keep walking.


(Okay, actually I laughed so hard I couldn't even say anything.)

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. IX

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.


SCENE:  Josephine is laying on the bed and Jeremy is sitting by her, leaning over to chat with her
Jeremy:  [to Josephine]  Historiography.  Symphonic.  Non-Agression Pact.  Casus Belli.
Veronica:  What ARE you doing?
Jeremy:  Saying smart words.  You know, to make her smart.  Can you give us some alone time?
Jeremy:  [to Josephine]  Literary.  Judicial.  


SCENE:  It's a few weeks before Christmas and I'm just sitting down after work and taking off my earrings
Veronica:  Oh, man, one of my earrings just broke!
Jeremy:  That's lame.  But maybe Santa will bring you some new earrings for Christmas.
Veronica:  Okay, but tell Santa I want work-appropriate earrings.
Jeremy:  ... Santa doesn't know what work-appropriate earrings are ...
Veronica:  Well, they are silver and classy and subtle, not fun and flashy like my non-work earrings.
Jeremy:  ... Santa doesn't know what work-appropriate earrings are ...


SCENE:  Jeremy is feeding Josephine on her second day ever of eating solids, and she is eating way better than she did the day before
Jeremy: [to Josephine]  Oh my gosh!  You're eating like a CHAMP!  My little Kobayashi!  Aww, I can't wait to watch Nathan's hot dog eating contest with her on the Fourth of July!


SCENE:  Watching the episode of 8 Simple Rules (What?  I watch ABCFamily during the day.  What do you do?  WORK?  Pshh.) after Jon Ritter died and cringing when the wife's mom says, "It's all a part of God's plan" -- that phrase would NOT help a selfish person like myself in a time of grief.  

Veronica:  If you die before me, I'm getting a shirt made that says "Don't say it was all a part of God's plan unless you want to get STABBED."

Jeremy:  [holding a cookie in each hand] IF?!?! [through a mouth full of cookies]

Well Played, Wee One

Josephine learned a new trick yesterday while eating breakfast. (By the way -- I accidentally tasted her rice cereal the other day [if "accidentally" means realizing you have some on your hand as you're about to get clean laundry out of the dryer and just lick it off so you don't get it on your clean clothes, then yes, it was a total accident] and OMG!  It tastes TERRIBLE!  I can't believe I am feeding my child that crap!  After tasting it, I offered it to the dog, and she refused to eat it.  That dog eats POOP and she won't eat rice cereal.  POOP.  Man, I will be glad when I can feed that poor baby some yummy vegetables.  Okay, tangent over).  She learned that if you take a nice big-girl bite of cereal and wait for your mom to praise you for a good bite, then make a raspberry noise -- ALL of the cereal will go spattering all over your mom.  And the dog.  And the floor.  And, somehow, the ceiling.


Now, that might have been the last time she did it.  You know, tried it out, then experiment over. Here's where I made my fatal mistake.  After she had successfully spit all remnants of cereal from her mouth, she was SO dang proud of herself that she made THIS face:

And she was SO STINKING ADORABLE that ... I laughed.  


DEAR GOD.  So guess what she did?  Yup, she repeated the spit-take ELEVEN TIMES.  And died laughing every time.  I tried to look like she wasn't cute, but I think she saw it in my eyes.  She knew she had made a funny and was so super-cute that she can do just about anything she wants.  I smell trouble in our future.


When I stepped out of the room to put her bowl in the sink, I heard her talking to the dog (who always stands by my side while I feed Josephine, even when she is getting food spit on her).  I swear, by her giggles, laughs, and then howls, I could imagine what she was saying:


"Dude, Cleo, did you see that?  I totally got mom!  Like TWELVE times!  She was like, 'Oh, sweetie, here is a bite of cereal!  I bet you will swallow it like a big girl!' and then I was like, 'Oh, sure mom, just put it in my mouth!' but then I DIDN'T swallow it at all!  I spit it all out instead! Bwahahahahahahaha!!  I am a comic GENIUS!!!!!!"


The best part?  I told Jeremy all about it and then suggested HE feed her dinner.  Guess who she didn't spit on?  Yup.  She was saving it all for mom this morning.  The girl is too smart for words. And, she kinda IS a comic genius.

A Small Offering

I want to blog SUPER-DUPER bad right now, but I can't, for undisclosed reasons (hint: it has to do with a too-cute two-month-old child who I cannot bear to put down because she "doesn't like it."  Still waiting for a shower today.  Heh.).


And I have a post all written in my head, and I want to type it up, but I can't, plus I need to take a picture of something and write all over it in Paint, but my camera battery died yesterday WHILE THE BABY WAS BEING HELD BY HER GRANDPARENTS (!) because I am a total failure of an unprepared mother, and I am staring, panicked, at the light on the charger, hoping it finishes charging before we take Josephine to the apple orchard/pumpkin patch tonight, because if I don't get picture of THAT, I am pretty sure they will take my child away, and I CAN'T RISK IT!  


So, anyway, that was all totally unnecessary and took me like an hour to type with my one free hand, but what I really wanted to say was, "Real blog post later.  For now -- bizarre and funny video I saw on The Soup" (tangent: I asked Joel McHale to be Josephine's godfather.  Still waiting to hear back.):


Please, do enjoy!

In Your FACE, 4th of July!

Hey suckers.  What did you all do this 4th of July weekend?  Probably something lameballs like sit in lawn chairs and eat someone else's BBQ that may or may not have made you puke later in the evening (sorry, Brandon), right?  Ha ha ha .. so ordinary.


I am guessing you did NOT do what I did: attend a toga party thrown by YOUR PARENTS.  Boom.  I bet you all feel pretty silly now.


Because I got to dress like THIS (in a bedsheet from my childhood):

And my husband and sister rocked out some wicked cool sheets for their togas and enjoyed multiple free drinks (while I enjoyed multiple free shirley temples):

I got to share a romantic dance with my husband (while he desperately arched his spine and pretended that my massive preggo belly was NOT an issue while slow dancing):

Oh, and did I mention there were PRIESTS there? (identity obscured because I don't want to go to hell):

I also got to witness my parents being schmoopy:

And my dad acting like a whackadoo:

So, all in all ... I WIN!!  But I hope your weekend was lovely nonetheless (I'm not heartless).

Cake-tastic

My mom told me to decide what kind of cake I wanted for my baby shower, and I was sure a Google image search would not disappoint.  Boy, was I right.  I found the WORLD'S WORST BABY SHOWER CAKE.  It is amazing and horrible, and I wanted to show it to you in all its glory, but instead I had to put up censor bars so as not to scar the sensibilites of my gentle readers. 

You migt be thinking at this point, censor bars on a BABY SHOWER cake?  Yeah, well.  You'll see ...

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BAM!

I told you it was something.  (If you're dying to see the original, click here)

So, what to do after finding the world's worst cake?  Find the best cake molds!!  I could shower you with amazing and impossible-to-recreate cakes, but I thought I would instead share cakes you can actually make.  I should probably be getting a cut of all sales that result from this post.  Note to self: contact companies demanding money.

Okay, on to my new favorite cake pans.

Here is one that you might have already seen, but I think it is worth highlighting:

 Wilton Giant Cupcake Cake, $24.99

Seriously, who doesn't love cupcakes?  And we all know making things giant is MONEY.  I can see this sitting in front of a one-year-old on his/her birthday as easily as I can see it at grandma's birthday bash.  Versitile AND delicious.  Killer.


Speaking of making giant sweets out of other sweets:

 Oreo Cookie Pan, $29.95

YUM!  It begs to be picked up and eaten like a giant Oreo.  I would really enjoy seeing that.


This last cake follows on the theme of giant things and also made me think of my husband:

Cakewich, $22.99

OH YEAH (in a Mac voice from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)!  The fillings can be anything your heart desires, so all kinds of taste sensations could spring from this cake!  It also begs to be picked up and eaten.  Fan-bloody-tastic.


I still need to decide what my baby shower cake will look like, but I am leaning toward all four of these cakes at once.

Funny Stuff My husband Says, Vol. V

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet. So, every once and a while, I salute him. Like today. To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.




SCENE:  My phone rings late at night. And by late, I mean 9:30 PM.  


Jeremy:  Oh my. It's awfully late for someone to be calling you.


Veronica:  I know, right?


Jeremy:  Could you maybe tell your boyfriend to stop calling after 9 PM?


Veronica:  Sorry. I can't control him.


Jeremy:  Couldn't you at least get him to come over and walk this dog?!?!




SCENE:  Jeremy reaches over and surreptitiously grabs MY glass of water because his is empty and he doesn't want to go get more.


Veronica:  HEY! That's MY water!


Jeremy:  Uh, yeah. But you clearly weren't drinking it.


Veronica:  Jerk.


[I start responding to an e-mail from a friend]


Jeremy:  Oh great. What, are you BLOGGING about me now? "Oh, WAAA, my husband stole my WATER!"


Veronica:  *Death stare* [I open a blogger window] I am NOW.




(As reported by Jeremy's Co-worker Loe'l) SCENE: Loe'l and Jeremy are at work


Loe'l:  How do you tell someone he isn't funny?


Jeremy:  Is it me? Because I can try harder.




SCENE:  Facebook status hilarity (sorry it is a little small.  Click for larger version).

How Seinfeld Changed the World

Oh Seinfeld.  Sweet, sweet Seinfeld.  How I cherish you and the many beautiful moments you beamed into my home.  This post is an homage to you and the ways you have reached out and changed the world around you.

  

Soup Nazi

Ah, the beloved Soup Nazi from episode 116, "The Soup Nazi," (season 7). The gang is turned on to the best soup in NYC only to discover there are STRICT rules for ordering or "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"  

Not only do people recognize the Soup Nazi, but adding the word "Nazi" after another word is now a common way to describe someone who is unflinching with the rules.  For example, my students have called me not only a Grammar Nazi, but a Comma Nazi.  I take it as a huge compliment. 


"Yada Yada Yada"

In episode 153, "The Yada Yada," (season 8), we were brought the phrase "yada yada yada":

If you tried to tell me that you had never heard anyone say "yada yada yada," I would call you a straight up liar.  And if merchandise is any indication (which it almost always is), people love the yada yada yada.  A quick search turned up dozens of things, from mugs, coasters, t-shirts, and bags ...

... to a book series ..

The Yada Yada Prayer Group book series

... to electronics.

The Yada Yada Yada voice recorder

The yada yadas have it.


Muffin tops

In episode 155, "The Muffin Tops," (Season 8), Elaine tells her former boss, Mr. Lippman, about her million dollar idea for a store that only sells the tops of the muffins -- since they are obviously the best part of the muffin. Lippman starts a business called Top of the Muffin to You! shortly thereafter, but the business doesn't take off until Elaine explains he should make the WHOLE muffin and pop the top off.  Soon they are faced with the challenge of disposing of the "stumps."  

All in all, a wonderful episode because DOESN'T everyone love the top of the muffin?  It is so obviously the best.  I always save mine for last.  Plus, the copious use of the word "stumps" in reference to the rest of the muffin is killer.

Anyway, every time someone sees me pull the top off my muffin, they ask me about Elaine and Top of the Muffin to You!, and I am always excited to see how far Seinfeld is reaching into the muffin world.

Also, THIS exists:

The Muffin Top Pan by Chicago Metallic, $13.95

I mean, it goes against everything Elaine taught Lippman, but ...

Also -- while I have no evidence for this claim -- I bet all of the talk about muffin tops caused by Seinfeld led to people calling the pudge that pops out on the top of jeans a "muffin top."  

Again, I have no hard evidence for this, but when have I ever had evidence for something I posted on this blog?  Like never.

Shrinkage

In episode 85, "The Hamptons," (season 6) Jerry's girlfriend walks in on George as he is changing after swimming.  She is amused by what she sees, even though George tries to explain it was due to "shrinkage" from the cold water.  Later, Jerry and George explain the phenomenon to Elaine, saying it hides "like a frightened turtle" in cold water.  


Not only did they bring attention to a serious problem that has plagued mankind since the beginning of time, but they gave it a name.  In a valiant effort to clear the name of good men everywhere, Seinfeld goes above and beyond the call of duty.


Feel free to continue to spread the word:

Festivus

Perhaps the most widespread of the Seinfeld-isms, Festivus was introduced by Frank Costanza in episode 166, "The Strike," (season 9).  As Frank explains, "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son.  I reach for the last one they had -- but so did another man.  As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."  And so Festivus was born, with a pole instead of a tree, and airing of grievances and feats of strengths instead of gift giving. 

Festivus took fans by storm.

There is a Ben & Jerry's flavor named for it ...

... you can buy your very own Festivus pole ....

www.festivuspoles.com

... you can air your grievances "officially" ...

www.festivuspoles.com

... and make donations in your friends' names to the Human Fund.

And by god, you can even buy a Festivus thong for $12!

Thank goodness it is made in the USA.

What does it all mean?  Festivus is here to stay.  And Seinfeld is so influential that it could make up a holiday and the world would jump on board.

Seinfeld, we barely knew ye.  Nine short seasons were not enough.  And Jerry?  The Marriage Ref is not making up for the loss we have suffered. Try harder next time!


image sources not otherwise linked: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

Bellies, Food, and Dog Poop. Stay With Me Here.

Okay, I have three totally unrelated things to say.  All are the awesomeness, so get ready to enjoy them immensely:


1.  Look at the hugeness that is me at 17 weeks pregnant!  (If you read my baby blog, this is not news, and for that, I apologize.  But I bet you'll survive.)  

Yowza!!

2.  Tonight we went out to dinner at a restaurant we used to hit up ALL the time when we lived at our last place.  Like, the manager knew us on a first name basis.  Since we moved out here, we haven't really been back too often because it is a really far drive compared to all the billions of restaurants that are steps away from our home.  SO, when we went tonight, the manager remembered us!!  Ha!  And he was like, "where have you been?" and we were like, "dude, I bet your life got a lot more boring when we moved away," and then he was like "OMG, you're having a baby!" and we were like, "yep."  THEN, when the waitress came, she was like "Matt gave you a 50% discount."  I felt a little bad, because I bet she thought we complained about something to get that discount, but we were too floored to be too worried about her.  I mean, I think we are going to start telling everyone we are pregnant with our first baby in hopes of free things.  SCORE!


3.  On the way home, I reminded Jeremy that we need to drop off a fecal sample at the vet for our dog's annual fecal float.  Jeremy told me THIS: "I think that is made up."
Me:  "What?"
Jeremy:  "Fecal floats."
Me:  "What does that even MEAN?"
Jeremy:  "I bet there isn't even a test they do to the poop.  I think there is some dude who likes to play with shit and that's why they make you bring in fresh poop and then charge you so you don't get suspicious."
Me: ...


So, big bellies, discounted dinner, and poop conspiracies.  Pretty good night, I'd say.

Merry Christmas, Bitches!

Look!  I made these lovely pictures for you!  Or, I got them from here and here and here.  Whatever.

Merry Freakin' Christmas!

Love ya!

Veronica (the Christmas Princess)


UPDATE (12/27, 10:37 PM):

UPDATE (12/28, 2:07 AM):

(passive aggressive note left at a Nativity scene.

Reads: DESPITE HIS ENEMIES JESUS WILL BE COMING BACK SOON!)

Now THIS is Christmas

A photo essay:  Christmas with the cousins.

Every year we must begin by commemorating the twin aprons on the twinsies (purchased by myself and Kayla.  We really know how to give a gift.)

Rule #1:  When a camera is fixed upon you, tell your boyfriend to make a crazy face.  This will divert attention from yourself in said picture.

Poor Fleabag was so disgusted with our antics she felt the need to express it visually

Take another one ...

Yes, this one is much better.  My eyes are open, so I don't even bother looking at anyone else in the picture.  I'm sure they look lovely.

Cat wrangling: 2009 edition

Grumpy Old Man Table

The cousins-in-law and ex-roomies serve up some of their winning poses

Classy

Very natural

These are the best sibling photos we got

Oh, aren't they special?!?!  They can take a good sibling picture.  Well la-dee-frickin'-da!

Uncle John and Dorothy.  They look like a Christmas card!

They really are a lovely couple

I love these boys!

One of seventeen photos taken of people sleeping throughout the day

We love prezzies!

She's a math teacher.  It's a pie pan with a Pi symbol on it.  Get it?

A nerd's favorite presents!!

My darling husband

Awww

Kayla: please don't kill me.  I love this picture.

The Weimaraner who thinks she's a lapdog.  Gotta love it.

We were watching The Best of Chris Farley.

"Maybe I don't "wear deodorant" or "let my scabs heal""

We are so hip it hurts

And, of course, the pie ...

Happy Holidays to you and yours! <3