I'm OPEN, Is What I'm Really Saying

Okay, so apparently I left you with a terrible cliffhanger yesterday (according to some! ;)), and I'm actually not going to give you any details, because that would involve the use of many words and references to my body parts that some might find unappealing. Plus, I'm trying not to think of those details much. To sum it all up, I am on modified bed rest (under the threat of "real" bed rest or a hospital stay) to avoid preterm labor. It is not ideal, but it could be much, much worse, so I am trying to keep things in perspective. If you want more deets because you are family, going through something similar, or are just nosy, feel free to shoot me an e-mail and we can chat about it.


So, "bed rest." I have not enjoyed it, mainly because Josephine has not enjoyed it. She dealt with it rather well yesterday, but this morning after breakfast, she sat on the stair she always sits on when we put on her shoes. She kept asking for her shoes over and over, in an increasingly confused voice, until I told her we couldn't go anywhere today. In response, she put her hands over her face and sobbed. 


It was at this moment of having my heart scraped out of my chest and stomped to bits that I thought, "I could really go for a Sister Wife right now." 


Seriously. I am 100% on board. Give me a Sister Wife, and while I sit on the couch and feel guilty, she could entertain my kid, do the laundry, and start dinner. Also, we are out of Josie's almond milk, so she could grab that for me, right? Thanks, Sis Wife.


Except, maybe this woman could, like, not actually be married to my husband? And, you know, not be in love with him or have sex with him or anything. TOTALLY still open to the Sister Wife idea, but I would just change those tiny things.


Maybe you're saying right now, "What you want is a nanny, Veronica." No. A nanny is an employee. I want a live-in bestie who will care for my child like her own but NOT require any payment or compensation of any kind and has no family or concerns of her own to deal with. Also, hands off my husband.


So, consider this a classifieds ad, will you? Live in friendship, help, child-rearing, housekeeping, and errand-running needed. 


If you know anybody, just pass this along, will ya?

*UPDATED!* Tricks and Tips: The Long Wait at the Doctor's Office

Yesterday I had my first appointment with a new OB/GYN. The reason for that is a long story, and I haven't been able to get it all out yet. I'll get back to you on that. This new doctor gave me some news that I pretty much already knew (since I know my body), but I REALLY didn't want to hear. Still processing all that. 


What I CAN talk about is the fact that I waited two hours ... TWO HOURS ... to see the doctor for fifteen minutes. This was all after driving two hours, dropping my kid with my mom, then driving another half an hour (again, I realize all this driving needs explanation, and I will get to it. I swear). I was in NO MOOD to sit around, emotionally or physically. I was an aching mess at the end of this cruel experiment.


Thanks to all the time I had to think, I have for you, dear readers, some highly advanced techniques in getting the doctor to come to your exam room when you have been waiting too long. Mind you, I tried all of these yesterday, to no avail, but in my experience they have a 99.8% success rate. You can take that to bank!


Here you go -- SUPER ADVANCED GETTING-THE-LATE-DOCTOR-TO-COME TECHNIQUES:


1. Do something that is clearly "prohibited" in the office.


This is actually how I got the nurse to call me back. Sitting amongst no fewer than three signs asking me not to use my cell phone in the waiting room, I whisper-called Jeremy to ask him what his social security number is (I know, I know, memorizing it is now one of my goals for the week). As I was writing down the last digit, the nurse called my name. Presto!


Later, while imprisoned in the room at hour 1.5, I began making calls with impunity, even though my battery was almost dead and no one could hear me over the too-loud horrible music blaring over the speakers. No go. Maybe it just can't work twice in one day and I wasted it?


2. Peek in drawers or cupboards in the exam room.


I've done this out of necessity before, with an unhappy Josephine in tow, when I needed something -- ANYTHING -- novel to distract her. Oh look, a TONGUE DEPRESSOR! HOW FUN! I have since moved on to opening a drawer, taking stock of the contents, then having the doctor walk in as I am almost done quietly closing the drawer. Works like a charm. 


3. Do something embarrassing.


I once summoned the doctor by freshening up my deodorant, but this technique is limited only by your imagination. Pregnant, old, or otherwise incontinent? Check for dampness! All the quiet time and mirrors give you time to contemplate your nose hair situation? Pluck away in the doctor's mirror!


4. Contort your body into a highly strange arrangement that requires explanation but will likely be unexplainable.


Related to #3, but in actuality, very different. My favorite variation on this method comes about when I cannot, CANNOT sit any longer, especially on that exam table the nurse told me to wait on for "just a sec!" and I need to stretch, ASAP. I suggest moves that involve squatting, making a "cat back" or getting on your hands and knees.The doctor will bust in, lickety-split, to find you sputtering out an incoherent explanation for being on your hands and knees with one leg extended behind you.


UPDATE!! My mother contributed a number five to the list!


5.

Bravo. Bold and effective method, indeed!




Equally important to be aware of are the THINGS YOU THINK WILL MAKE THE DOCTOR COME BUT WILL NOT WORK UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, SO DO NOT ATTEMPT!


1. Asking the receptionist if they "forgot about you."


Yesterday I saw THREE people do this and were then called back moments later, but I promise you, this is a trick. Even if it works for someone else, it will never work for you. NEVER!


2. Going to the bathroom "real quick."


Yes, this works in restaurants while you are waiting for your food, OBVIOUSLY, but if you try to run to the bathroom, I guarantee that the doctor will not be sitting in the exam room, patiently waiting for you, like your tasty meal you were dying for. This technique can backfire by having the doctor show up, find you gone, and move on to the next patient. You will surely be able to hear the doctor speaking with this patient in the next room and this patient will require at least an hour of specialized attention. Makes your bathroom break totally not worth it, right? 


There you have it folks, the guide to uncomfortably-long waits at the doctor's office. Use this information wisely, and best of luck to you all!

Happy Friday, Bibliophiles

It really warms my heart that, these days, when I have to assemble my big bag of can't-fail items to keep Josephine happy on a long car ride (which is anything longer than 20 minutes to her, unfortunately), at least 75% of those items I know will make her happy are BOOKS.

Okay, there are also a lot of snacks in there. She is my daughter, after all. And if there's one thing I've learned from monitoring my own behavior having a toddler, it's that if you think you have enough snacks, you DON'T. Pack more. Then pack even more.


But the books, you guys. She loves books. And I love that. 

I Love This Crazy Toddler of Mine

To continue on the Josie theme from Monday's post, let me tell you about a few things Josie has been doing lately that baffle me, make me laugh, and otherwise fascinate me.

Thing the first: Her newest defense mechanism.

Lately, she seems to get her little hands on things she shouldn't have ALL THE TIME, especially since she got so tall that she can basically reach everything in the GD house. When I spot her holding something she shouldn't have and make mention of how she shouldn't have it or how I'm going to take it away (or sometimes just give her the stink-eye), she immediately clutches said object to her chest and collapses to the floor, face down, to protect her contraband. She is also amazingly strong, so she can stay in that position and keep you from getting whatever is under her chest for a surprisingly long time. Punk.

Thing the second: her insane memory.

Her memory is excellent lately, and I used to just shake my head or smile at how she was not a baby anymore and all that, but lately ... it is actually FREAKING ME OUT. 

Excellent example: yesterday we were headed to Joann Fabrics and drove past Petco. Josephine immediately started shouting "FISH! FISH! FISHIES!!!" and frantically pointing at the sign. I said, "Yes, they have fish there. Maybe we can go see them sometime soon." Okay, we have been in that store TWICE. Once was two months ago (when we did, in fact, look at fish), and the other was at least six months ago. I mean, come on. I know it wasn't a coincidence, because the only other times she shouts "FISH!" with such urgency are when she actually sees a fish and when we pull up to Meijer, because she knows there are fish there to been seen as well.

That would freak you out a little too, right?

Thing the third: weird vocab shifts.

You'd think with that insane memory of hers, I'd be bragging about her language explosion here, but it's the weirdest thing: She is learning tons and tons of new words and phrases, and she is identifying lots of letters, but at the same time, she is almost (I hate to say it) regressing with a few words.

There are a few words in particular that she has been able to say clearly and in appropriate contexts for a very long time now (bite, baby, horsey), that she suddenly starting pronouncing differently. She says "but" for "bite," "mee-mee" for "baby" and "sie-sie" for "horsey." Weird, huh? I keep telling myself she is just experimenting with language, but she never really did this before. If she changed pronunciation, it was to get closer to the actual word, not to take a step back like that. Anyone else have a kid who did this? I'm not worried, just interested.

Then, as I was finishing writing this, she picked up my camera, handed it to me, and said "Cheeeese!"

And I figured, that's as good a way as any to end this post. Thanks, kid. :)

A Momentous Playdate. For Both of Us.

We went to the park today, which is something we do a lot, so it shouldn't really have been that big of a deal (except for the fact that we met up with one of my dear friends who I don't see often enough and her darling son, who Josephine is quite smitten with), but still, just the park. We have done this all before.

But today was insane. Perhaps the most (good) insane visit to the park we have ever had. (Yes, there was a bad insane visit, but I prefer to think that never happened). 

We got there before my friend arrived, and Josephine headed right to the play structure. It was a new one for her, so while it had familiar parts (slides, stairs, etc.), it was still new, and also had one of those crazy bouncy bridges. What do we call those things? You know what I mean. 

So, Josephine was a bit tentative at first. She crawled slowly up the stairs.

She held on for dear life while taking tiny steps across the bouncy bridge.

And when she got to the top of one of those huge tube slides, she just couldn't get herself in. It was one of those enclosed tube slides, and at the base, there is essentially a tiny step up, so a child can't just sit at the stop of the slide and push themselves down, they have to be able to maneuver themselves into the hole. I'm assuming it's a little safety measure, since if you can't figure out how to get up and in at the same time, you probably shouldn't be going down that slide yet anyway. Okay, I guess it would have been a good idea to take a picture so you would know what I am talking about, but I was too busy shouting encouraging things like "Keep trying!" and "You can do it!" to take a picture.

On Josephine's first attempt, she was just totally confused about the whole concept, but she just stood up and went to the next slide over with a "whatever" look on her face. I imagined she was thinking, "I'll just go down this other perfectly good slide and figure that one out later." The next time, she managed to get her legs in, but couldn't get her butt up and into the slide. She looked slightly frustrated, but went down the other slide again. Next, she got her whole body in, and could have gone down the slide, but she would have been on her stomach. She hung there for a while then decided she didn't want to do it, and pulled herself out. This time, however, she hung her head, dangled her arms, and looked defeated.

My heart broke into a million pieces. All she wanted to do was go down that slide by herself. She had tried and tried and had a good attitude the whole time, looking down at me for reassurance, but smiling and trying. To see her deflate like that was the WORST. She went down the "plain" slide, and we played for a while. 

Then things started happening. 

The bouncy bridge she was so tentative on? Suddenly she was running across it, not even holding the railing. 

Then, she decided she was going up one of those crazy web things, come hell or high water, even though the "big three-year-old" random kid who was also at the park kept telling her she was doing it wrong and would never be able to do it because she was a baby. And she DID.

She climbed right up, I boosted her over the lip of that tube opening, and she set off on an adventure. 

And that adventure included figuring out how to put one leg in, while standing, then sit while simultaneously putting her other leg in the the tube, and she SLID DOWN THE BIG ENCLOSED CURLY SLIDE ALL BY HERSELF!

This would be a great moment for a photo, but I was so busy clapping and hugging and NOT crying (maybe a little) that there are no photos of her triumph. But that's okay, because I will remember it. She was so proud of herself and so glad that I was there at the bottom of the slide to see her do it.

You think of these things as a parent: the growing and changing and all the things they work so hard at and one day can all of a sudden do, but to see the whole process happening in that condensed one-hour window? It was great. She's really growing up, and she's just as determined and fearless as she was when she was a baby. I predict many heart attacks for her poor, fearful mother, but I hope I can stay this mom I am trying to be: the one who knows she is old enough to try it on her own and doesn't follow behind her and put her in the slide when it is obvious she won't be able to do it easily herself the first time. I hope I can remain the mom who shouts "Keep trying!" even when I would rather scoop her up in my arms and do something safe, like color.

And it's times like these when my bitter, cranky heart grows a few sizes. There are so many moments in which I am angry, disgusted with people, and frustrated at what I consider an unfair situation. But then there are the moments like these that make me remember there is also THIS in the world. 

There is also this.