Wednesday, March 31, 2010

How Seinfeld Changed the World

Oh Seinfeld.  Sweet, sweet Seinfeld.  How I cherish you and the many beautiful moments you beamed into my home.  This post is an homage to you and the ways you have reached out and changed the world around you.
Soup Nazi

Ah, the beloved Soup Nazi from episode 116, "The Soup Nazi," (season 7). The gang is turned on to the best soup in NYC only to discover there are STRICT rules for ordering or "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"  

Not only do people recognize the Soup Nazi, but adding the word "Nazi" after another word is now a common way to describe someone who is unflinching with the rules.  For example, my students have called me not only a Grammar Nazi, but a Comma Nazi.  I take it as a huge compliment. 

"Yada Yada Yada"
In episode 153, "The Yada Yada," (season 8), we were brought the phrase "yada yada yada":

If you tried to tell me that you had never heard anyone say "yada yada yada," I would call you a straight up liar.  And if merchandise is any indication (which it almost always is), people love the yada yada yada.  A quick search turned up dozens of things, from mugs, coasters, t-shirts, and bags ...
... to a book series ..
The Yada Yada Prayer Group book series

... to electronics.

Yada Yada Yada Recorder in package
The Yada Yada Yada voice recorder

The yada yadas have it.

Muffin tops

In episode 155, "The Muffin Tops," (Season 8), Elaine tells her former boss, Mr. Lippman, about her million dollar idea for a store that only sells the tops of the muffins -- since they are obviously the best part of the muffin. Lippman starts a business called Top of the Muffin to You! shortly thereafter, but the business doesn't take off until Elaine explains he should make the WHOLE muffin and pop the top off.  Soon they are faced with the challenge of disposing of the "stumps."  

All in all, a wonderful episode because DOESN'T everyone love the top of the muffin?  It is so obviously the best.  I always save mine for last.  Plus, the copious use of the word "stumps" in reference to the rest of the muffin is killer.

Anyway, every time someone sees me pull the top off my muffin, they ask me about Elaine and Top of the Muffin to You!, and I am always excited to see how far Seinfeld is reaching into the muffin world.

Also, THIS exists:

Muffin Top Pan (6-c.) by Chicago Metallic

I mean, it goes against everything Elaine taught Lippman, but ...

Also -- while I have no evidence for this claim -- I bet all of the talk about muffin tops caused by Seinfeld led to people calling the pudge that pops out on the top of jeans a "muffin top."  

Again, I have no hard evidence for this, but when have I ever had evidence for something I posted on this blog?  Like never.


In episode 85, "The Hamptons," (season 6) Jerry's girlfriend walks in on George as he is changing after swimming.  She is amused by what she sees, even though George tries to explain it was due to "shrinkage" from the cold water.  Later, Jerry and George explain the phenomenon to Elaine, saying it hides "like a frightened turtle" in cold water.  

Not only did they bring attention to a serious problem that has plagued mankind since the beginning of time, but they gave it a name.  In a valiant effort to clear the name of good men everywhere, Seinfeld goes above and beyond the call of duty.

Feel free to continue to spread the word:


Perhaps the most widespread of the Seinfeld-isms, Festivus was introduced by Frank Costanza in episode 166, "The Strike," (season 9).  As Frank explains, "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son.  I reach for the last one they had -- but so did another man.  As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."  And so Festivus was born, with a pole instead of a tree, and airing of grievances and feats of strengths instead of gift giving. 

Festivus took fans by storm.

There is a Ben & Jerry's flavor named for it ...
... you can buy your very own Festivus pole ....

... you can air your grievances "officially" ...
Download Grievance Form

... and make donations in your friends' names to the Human Fund.

And by god, you can even buy a Festivus thong for $12!
Festivus Classic Thong

What does it all mean?  Festivus is here to stay.  And Seinfeld is so influential that it could make up a holiday and the world would jump on board.

Seinfeld, we barely knew ye.  Nine short seasons were not enough.  And Jerry?  The Marriage Ref is not making up for the loss we have suffered. Try harder next time!

image sources not otherwise linked: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Baby Likes "Luxury Fruit"

I have been craving fruit like nobody's business.  However, I am not talking about humdrum apples and oranges here.  I have been desiring what Jeremy would call "luxury fruit," meaning it is still expensive and out of season.  Strawberries.  Pineapple.  Blueberries.  Cherries.  Droool.

It has gotten so out of hand that whenever I see an Edible Arrangements commercial, I feel like crying with jealousy.  

Oh, if only I could have my very own Edible Arrangement.  It seems like the world's most perfect gift.

The funny thing is, in all of the commercials, you see people SHARING the Edible Arrangements.  Sharing?

Like, someone gave them an expensive fruit arrangement, sometimes with pieces that are dipped in CHOCOLATE, and they are letting other people touch it.  It seems so unnatural and unlikely to me.  

There is no way I would be graciously offering free "luxury fruit" to guests, friends, or co-workers. Instead, I would likely be crouched in my basement, shoving handfuls in my mouth before anyone could find me and try to pry some from my hands.  

I am aware that Edible Arrangements cost like a bazillion dollars.  HOWEVER, if you were so inclined to purchase one for me, by all means, go right ahead.  And if you need my address, just let me know.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Factoids: Director Edition

I heard a very interesting factoid about Tim Burton today, which spurred me to do a little research on some of my favorite film directors.  Hopefully these facts are news to you, and if they aren't, just pretend that they are.  Enjoy!

1.  Tim Burton was an animator on the film The Fox and the Hound.

2.  Martin Scorsese is one of 50 people who are barred from every entering Tibet.

3.  Stanley Kubrick refused to talk about his movies on set while he was directing them and never watched them when they were completed.

4.  Francis Ford Coppola had polio as a child, and during his quarantine, he practiced puppetry.

5.  Steven Spielberg has one of the original Rosebud sleds from Citizen Kane in his home.

6.  George Lucas had a dog named Indiana that was not only the inspiration for the character Indiana Jones, but also for the look of Chewbacca.

7.  Walt Disney became interested in personalizing the characters of animals after he carelessly killed an owl as a young child, after which he vowed to never again kill another living creature.

8.  In college David Lynch roomed with Peter Wolf, former lead singer of the J. Geils Band, but Lynch kicked him out because he thought he was "too weird."

9.  Oliver Stone's father took him to a prostitute to lose his virginity when Oliver was in his mid-teens.

10.  When finishing a cup of tea on set, Alfred Hitchcock would often throw the cup over his shoulder, allowing it to break wherever it landed.

[All facts courtesy of imdb]

Saturday, March 27, 2010

A Guest Post By My Husband -- Buzz Aldrin: Astronaut to Astro-NOT

So, my husband read my Dancing with the Stars post and could not keep his emotions to himself.  I guess I am not the only one in the house who likes to rant!  And if you know him, you totally already know that he came up with the title too.  Since I can't keep my nose out of anything, my comments are in PINK.

Take it away, Jeremy:

***DISCLAIMER:  I do not know Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, nor have I ever met the man, know his financial situation, or his degree of sluttyness for media attention.*** (Never put a disclaimer on your rants, Jeremy.  It makes you look WEAK.)

Some things about Buzz Aldrin.  #1 through the moon landing make him look like a GRADE-A BADASS.  However, the last few should have clued me into the fact that he would eventually make an ass of himself.

1)  He turned down a full ride to MIT to go to the military academy at West Point -- Bad Ass

2)  After graduating with a degree in Mechanical Engineering he flew 66 combat missions in the Korean War.  During the war he shot down TWO Russian MiG 15's in his F-86 Sabre -- Bad Ass  (Jeremy, you know I think war is mean.)  

3) After the war he got his doctorate in Aeronautics from MIT, then became a test pilot and was eventually selected to be an f-ing Astronaut -- Bad Ass

4)  He was the lunar module pilot on Apollo 11.  This means he actually flew the ship that landed on the moon down to the surface and piloted it back up to rejoin with the orbiting craft to go back to earth.  If this sounds like it would be hard to do, it was; in fact, it was extremely difficult even for the most highly trained pilots in the WORLD, and Buzz did it PERFECTLY.  (You're starting to talk like you were there ... I am feeling feelings of worry for your mental health.)

5)  Because of the position of the seats in the landing craft, Armstrong is first out and Aldrin follows.  He was SECOND on the moon -- TOTALLY BADASS  "2nd comes right after first,"  as Buzz would say in the Simpson's episode "Deep Space Homer"  (Or, "Second place is the first loser," as my No Fear shirts explained to people in junior high.)

I am sure being second has given him some kind of complex which probably resulted in the downward spiral to come.  There was a special on around the time of the 40th anniversary of the moon landing last summer that focused on the fact that NASA was leery of letting Aldrin be first on the moon because they thought he was a potential media slut and that Armstrong would handle the spotlight more gracefully and in a way that would add to the prestige and dignity of NASA -- they would prove to be right.

6) Since the History Channel came into existence, he has been on EVERY History Channel special about the moon landing or the space program as a whole.  This suggests to me that he is desperate for attention.  (And yet you have WATCHED every special.  Do you want to know what this suggests to me?  Do you?)  Apparently the title of "Second man on the Moon" does not pay that well and Buzzy has gosta make some bank.  (Good use of the word "gosta")

7)  In 2009 Buzz put out a song/video called "Rocket Experience" with Snoop Dogg, Quincy Jones, Talib Kweli, and Soulja Boy.  I could not make this up if I tried.

8) Today: Dancing with the Stars

So it turns out that NASA was right in not letting Aldrin be the first on the moon.  He turned out to be a media slut after all and handled the spotlight of being a celebrity in the worst possible ways:  Rap videos and reality show appearances.

It is just potentially frightening to me that Buzz Aldrin, THE SECOND MAN TO STEP ON THE F-ING MOON, could be remembered not as a pioneer for the ENTIRE human species, but as an old, crappy dancer.  It just seems below him, below the dignity of an astronaut, and below the dignity of the guy who did things 1-5 on the list above.

The equivalent of this would be like seeing Magellan accidentally spill a large bowl of chocolate pudding down his pants, then bend over to pick up the fallen bowl, have his pants split and the chocolate pudding drip out through the rip in his pants.  (Ummm ... ?)  Sure, this doesn't erase the fact that he was the first person to circumnavigate the globe (nerd alert!!), but every time you saw or read about Magellan after the pudding/pants incident (as this sequence of events would almost certainly become known) you would think about him making an ass of himself.  His legacy is not gone, just soiled.  So it goes for Buzz Aldrin.  He is still the second man on the moon, but now he will forever be known as that old man from Dancing with the Stars who was counting the whole time ...

Buzz, go out with quiet dignity, being remembered as a part of the first team of humans to ever explore another place other than earth.  Go out with people remembering your extraordinary accomplishments, go out being remembered as a representative of humanity, not for your bad dancing ... and rapping.  Apparently the phrase "quiet dignity" was trampled by Buzz's dancing shoes.

Granted, everybody's gotta eat, but is the money from Dancing with the Stars (ABC is really throwing around that word pretty loosely) worth trampling your legacy, Buzz?  Say it ain't so!  He went from Grade-A Badass to easy fodder for an old person joke.  Isn't being second man to ever walk on the moon a better life accomplishment than about 95% of everyone's accomplishments in the history of the world!?  (This is getting REALLY long.)  Could winning Dancing with the Stars really help him look back on his life and say "Shit, walking on the moon was alright, but being on Dancing with the Stars, now that was the highlight of my life."  This is probably why Merriweather Lewis killed himself: he could not do anything more bad ass than being the first Americans to see the Pacific.  (Yikes.  Downer.)  Not that I am advocating Buzz Aldrin kill himself, just live it out in quiet dignity.

Why do I care so much about this?  (EXCELLENT question.)

Now you see why I love my husband.  And fear for his blood pressure.

All joking aside, I totally agree with him.  And I, of all people, OF COURSE can relate to him getting fired up about things that others might not care about.  It's probably why we got married. 

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Measured Thoughts on *Dancing with the Stars*

Hey, did you watch Dancing with the Stars the other night?  Usually, my answer to that question would be NO, but ... well ... Jeremy was out of town and KATE GOSSELIN was on, so I stopped in for a brief visit.  I was not disappointed.

I know there are a lot of die-hard fans out there, and I am just a newbie, but I thought I would share some of my impressions of this season premiere.

Away we go:

1.  I missed Niecy Nash.  I feel supremely disappointed about this.  However, I DID see her outfit, and *wolf whistle*!  Go girl!

DANCING WITH THE STARS - "Episode 1001" - All eleven couples danced for the first time on live national television on MONDAY, MARCH 22 (8:00-10:00 p.m., ET), with couples either performing the Viennese Waltz or Cha Cha, in the highly anticipated two-hour season premiere of "Dancing with the Stars," on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/ADAM LARKEY)LOUIS VAN AMSTEL, NIECY NASH

2.  I also missed Chad Ochocinco.  I do not feel disappointed about this.

3.  Okay, Buzz Aldrin.  Really?  REALLY?!?!  You should have seen Jeremy lose his shit when I told him that Buzz was going to be on the show.  He was shouting and pacing the room and making large gesticulations with his arms.  It was actually pretty amusing.  The best I could tell him is maybe Buzz heard the word "stars" and thought he was signing on to do some sort of show that dealt with space.  I mean, he is old.

DANCING WITH THE STARS - "Episode 1001" - All eleven couples danced for the first time on live national television on MONDAY, MARCH 22 (8:00-10:00 p.m., ET), with couples either performing the Viennese Waltz or Cha Cha, in the highly anticipated two-hour season premiere of "Dancing with the Stars," on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/ADAM LARKEY)BUZZ ALDRIN, ASHLY COSTA

And this fact was certainly highlighted in his routine.  Talk about stiff legs and a lot more shuffling than actual moving.  Also, did anyone else notice that he was COUNTING the entire time?  One time I saw his partner say something to him and he stopped moving his lips for like 10 seconds, but then he was counting again.  And the way his partner was dancing with him and looking at him, it looked like she was giving dancing lessons at an old folks home.  I don't want to see pity on anyone's face when they interact with someone who has been on the moon.  So sad.

4.  Kate Gosselin.  Dear god.  Once I saw those hideous extensions, I knew I would wait the entire show to see her "dance."  Yeah, I put the word dance in quotation marks, because I would not consider what she did dancing.  Buzz Aldrin was more flexible and graceful than Kate.  A BROOM would be more flexible and graceful than Kate.  

DANCING WITH THE STARS - "Episode 1001" - All eleven couples danced for the first time on live national television on MONDAY, MARCH 22 (8:00-10:00 p.m., ET), with couples either performing the Viennese Waltz or Cha Cha, in the highly anticipated two-hour season premiere of "Dancing with the Stars," on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/ADAM LARKEY)KATE GOSSELIN, TONY DOVOLANI

And that LOOK she had on her face the whole time.  It was this fake, forced smile that looked more like a growl than anything else.  It was painful to watch.  And her new huge boobs -- they just do not fit her body, and it was clear that Kate is not used to carrying those suckers around, because she held herself in a very strange way.  Like she was leading with her boobs maybe?  Or maybe she was being sucked into the earth boobs first?  

However, it was entertaining, because the whole time she was dancing, I was giggling over something Joel McHale said last week: "Kate Gosselin is going to be on Dancing with the Stars, which is great, because now her kids will get to see her an hour a week!"  BURN!

5.  And last, but not least, Pamela Anderson.  Oh.  My.  Word.  Talk about scandalous.  I felt like I was at a strip club.  She was not ballroom dancing.  She was dancing like she was auctioning off her cha-cha ... and not the dance.  Get it?  Her cha-cha?  Pun.

DANCING WITH THE STARS - "Episode 1001" - All eleven couples danced for the first time on live national television on MONDAY, MARCH 22 (8:00-10:00 p.m., ET), with couples either performing the Viennese Waltz or Cha Cha, in the highly anticipated two-hour season premiere of "Dancing with the Stars," on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/ADAM LARKEY)PAMELA ANDERSON, DAMIAN WHITEWOOD

Anyway, it was uncomfortable.  Even for the judges, and they are used to being uncomfortable.  Obviously.  They had to watch THIS face:

DANCING WITH THE STARS - "Episode 1001" - All eleven couples danced for the first time on live national television on MONDAY, MARCH 22 (8:00-10:00 p.m., ET), with couples either performing the Viennese Waltz or Cha Cha, in the highly anticipated two-hour season premiere of "Dancing with the Stars," on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/ADAM LARKEY)TONY DOVOLANI, KATE GOSSELIN

There you have it.  Who will win?  I don't know.  Will I watch it again?  Not if Jeremy is living in the same house.  Will Buzz Aldrin make it through one more dance routine without having a heart attack?  Someone fill me in next week.

all images from

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Book Review: Why You Say It by Webb Garrison

Why You Say It: The Fascinating Stories Behind Over 600 Words and Phrases, by Webb Garrison

I am reviewing this book that was given to me by Book Sneeze (see link on the right bottom of page), and the cover sold me.  Rubber duckies and word bubbles?  Loves it.  Also, I was promised KNOWLEDGE.  

This book was definitely a departure for me, since I have been on a novel binge lately, but it was an interesting read, to be sure.  If you are also a novel-reader, this is definitely a different type of pace, but Garrison does his best to make it less like a dictionary or encyclopedia and more like a novel with his chapters.  Garrison separates the stories behind the words and phrases into chapters like "The World of Entertainment," "The Great Outdoors," and "Making Fun of Others"  (tee hee!).

While at times I found myself skimming through some of the words or phrases I had never even heard of, and I definitely began skipping the first paragraph of every explanation (which was simply saying "Hey.  Has anyone ever said this to you?"), some of the stories really were fascinating!  

For example, did you know that the word "limelight" (which I LOVE) came from the fact that the first spotlights were made by heating up LIMES?  If facts like that make your day, or you are the kind of person who likes to share those little ditties with others at parties or staff meetings, then this book is for you!

While it is not my favorite book, it was a good read, so I give it a solid C rating.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Bellies, Food, and Dog Poop. Stay With Me Here.

Okay, I have three totally unrelated things to say.  All are the awesomeness, so get ready to enjoy them immensely:

1.  Look at the hugeness that is me at 17 weeks pregnant!  (If you read my baby blog, this is not news, and for that, I apologize.  But I bet you'll survive.)  


2.  Tonight we went out to dinner at a restaurant we used to hit up ALL the time when we lived at our last place.  Like, the manager knew us on a first name basis.  Since we moved out here, we haven't really been back too often because it is a really far drive compared to all the billions of restaurants that are steps away from our home.  SO, when we went tonight, the manager remembered us!!  Ha!  And he was like, "where have you been?" and we were like, "dude, I bet your life got a lot more boring when we moved away," and then he was like "OMG, you're having a baby!" and we were like, "yep."  THEN, when the waitress came, she was like "Matt gave you a 50% discount."  I felt a little bad, because I bet she thought we complained about something to get that discount, but we were too floored to be too worried about her.  I mean, I think we are going to start telling everyone we are pregnant with our first baby in hopes of free things.  SCORE!

3.  On the way home, I reminded Jeremy that we need to drop off a fecal sample at the vet for our dog's annual fecal float.  Jeremy told me THIS: "I think that is made up."
Me:  "What?"
Jeremy:  "Fecal floats."
Me:  "What does that even MEAN?"
Jeremy:  "I bet there isn't even a test they do to the poop.  I think there is some dude who likes to play with shit and that's why they make you bring in fresh poop and then charge you so you don't get suspicious."
Me: ...

So, big bellies, discounted dinner, and poop conspiracies.  Pretty good night, I'd say.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Etsy Saturdays: IX

In support of the handmade revolution, I bring you Etsy Saturdays!  I will highlight a fun new shop every week, and I hope you will stop over to see their merchandise or find something else you love while you're there.  To see all Etsy Saturdays, click here.
*I have not been compensated in any way for this post*

My pick this week is LanaOCrystal's shop, which features delicate and beautiful jewelry.

matte silver skeleton leaf necklace - white gold plated

a bird with treasure

matte gold tree necklace

matte five leaf branch and blue bird necklace - white gold plated

turquoise nugget necklace

antique brass diamond filigree cuff bracelet

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Super-Happy Time

Guess what, bitches?  Today was the last day of the quarter, and I ALREADY SUBMITTED MY GRADES!  That means two weeks off and none of that time will be wasted grading!  Booo-yah!!  Do people still say that?  Oh well, irrelevant.  Because I just said it.  And I feel a tremendous BOO-YAH throughout my whole body, like, in my BONES!

And it is St. Patrick's Day, so bring on the green ... oh wait.  Cupcakes?  I feel like I am totally breaking some law by not drinking green beer today.  So much sads.

It is also ... wait for it ... MY DOG'S BIRTHDAY!!  Can you believe it?  She is three years old, and today marks the one-year anniversary of the day we saved her from the shelter.

Look at how cute she is!!

And, for your last piece of awesome:  Me in my work clothes. 

Yep, this is me busting out of my normal people clothes.  I realize now that I look a lot more "busting out" with my hands on my hips like that.  Note to self.  Also?  The dress code that is supposed to create a professional atmosphere in the workplace?  Doesn't work out so well when you are a giant moose and waddle like a penguin.  Are you imagining a moose-penguin right now?  Good.

As soon as I get out of this place I am going to CELEBRATE!  I may be stuck in a building all day that doesn't have any windows you can open, but I am determined to enjoy the weather and maybe go out to dinner with my honey.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

An Ode to Comments

So, while I really enjoyed ranting yesterday, what I loved even more were the great comments I got in response to the rant.  What else could I do?  I had to honor each and every one of them.  Away we go:

First, the general compliments.  Do you even know how much they made my face sparkle and my meanness dissipate?  Well, they did.

Aunt Juicebox said, about my rotund preggo belly, "And the belly!  OMG Perfect."  Guess what?  YOU'RE perfect, Aunt Juicebox.  There, I said it.

My mom said, "I love you, my baby."  Did you hear that?  MY MOM LOVES ME!  Suck on that!

Steph said, "of course, we LOVE you," and I think that is worth an extra gold star because she went ahead and pulled other people into the compliment with her, which I always love.  

Ed said, "the Camaro one made me laugh," and, telling me I made you laugh is like the exact same thing as giving me a Nobel Prize.  Only a little more special.  But without the fancy banquet ... but that means I don't have to dress up.  Double bonus.

Sara got me thinking when she said, "So your hubs is a hoodlum?  Maybe he can get you discount parts.  Or just steal one."  It really got me thinking about my husband.  I mean, he doesn't LOOK like a hoodlum.  He doesn't engage in hoodlum-type behaviors.  BUT he drives like a hoodlum.   What does it all mean?  Well, I guess it means he either really IS a hoodlum and is good at hiding it, or maybe he would make a good hoodlum if he just tried a little harder.  And both of these scenarios should lead to free car parts.  SCORE.

Kate created a lovely image in my head when she said, "It's all a matter of perception: just think of yourself as a pimpin' gangsta who is rollin' in a Camaro.  An adorable pregnant gangsta."  And I was like ... YEAH.  A pregnant gangsta.  This is clearly the best kind of gangsta to be.  I mean, you would have the element of surprise.  People would be like, "Oh, look, a helpless and innocent pregnant lady.  How cute.  Let's walk up to her and touch her belly and tell her she is a huge blimp person!"  and I would be like SHAZAM!  GANGSTA ACTIVITY!  You never saw it coming, you saps!!  Pathetic.

Oh, and Kate also called me adorable, so double points for her.  At this point, I think she may be winning.  But I have a hard time keeping track of those things, so keep track of your own points, people.

Mama Hauk made me feel super happy and secure when she said both "I think you look fabulous" and "it was definitely the coffee cups."  Not only is she lavishing me with praise, but she is AGREEING with me.  Uh oh, we might have a new winner.  

Wait, I changed my mind.  You're ALL winners.  Not just because you're smart enough to read my blog, but because you say lovely things in the comment box, which, let's be honest, is what keeps me going.  

So, the moral of the story:  Keep commenting so I can prop my head up and make it through another day.  Kisses for you all (open mouth optional).

Monday, March 15, 2010

General Ranting

Guess what?  This post is going to be both highly original AND unbelievably interesting.  Yes, it is actually a list of things making me mad this morning.  Hold on to your britches.

1.  It's Monday.

2.  My car decided last night that it was done with me and is now refusing to start.  So it might need a new starter or alternator.

3.  This means I had to drive my darling husband's car to work this morning.  While I love my husband, I curse his choice in cars.  His Camaro is slowly rumbling its way to the grave.  It shakes.  It chugs.  It makes horribly loud noises.  It scares the living crap out of me and I am sure that at any minute I will be careening to my death.  It also only has one setting for the driver's seat -- almost completely horizontal.  Do you know who drives around like that?  Hoodlums, that's who.

4.  I only work two days this week and then have two weeks off.  So, if my car could have waited a week, it would have been no big deal at all.

5.  There are oh-so-many things we need to buy and oh-so-many things I want to buy (like more maternity clothes so I have more than three outfits I can wear to work), but now we will spend money on my STUPID CAR just because it is mad at me for something.  It's probably mad that I left like three coffee cups in the backseat (my travel mugs all disappeared) and two of them smashed together and broke and I didn't clean it up yet.  It' the only reason I can think of.

6.  I had a blog post all ready to go about the latest episode of 16 and Pregnant and how the boyfriend was the worst human being in history, but at least at the end she came to her senses and cut him out of their life and had the baby's last name changed.  I was so proud of that little bitch, and then I watched the after-show online, and she was all, "Well, we're off and on.  He breaks up with me and then posts stuff on the Internet about me being a fat whore, but then we get back together a few days later ... tee hee."  And I was all, "TEE HEE?  What is wrong with you???"  It made me irrationally mad at how much faith I had in her moving on and being a strong parent.

7.  THIS is how big I am already, even though I am only 4 1/2 months pregnant.

8.  Plus, did I mention it's Monday?

But I love each and every one of you.  Can you maybe tell me you love me?  Just a little?  Please and thanks. 

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Etsy Saturdays: VIII

In support of the handmade revolution, I bring you Etsy Saturdays!  I will highlight a fun new shop every week, and I hope you will stop over to see their merchandise or find something else you love while you're there.  To see all Etsy Saturdays, click here.

I am strictly a liquid soap kind of girl, but lately I have been seriously yearning for some pretty bars of soap.  Maybe I'll buy a soap dish and everything!

A browse through Etsy turns up TONS of gorgeous handmade soaps, but I love So Stinking Sweet's Shop.

This soap is so ornate and reminds me of the soap my grandma always had in her bathroom.  I also LOVE both water lily and jasmine ...
Water Lily and Jasmine Shea Butter Soap

This soap sounds amazing: "this fragrance combines wild berries and mandarin, honeysuckle, gardenia, and jasmine.  Embodied with the aroma of amber, caramel, sandalwood, vanilla, and praline."  Yum ...
Juicy Couture Type Soap with Shea Butter

I think my niece would DIE to have this soap in her bathroom! ...
Waterlily Jasmine Decorative Soap with Shea Butter

And finally ... BUBBLE GUM scented soap!  I would have to remind myself not to sniff my hands all day! ...
Bubble Luscious Shea Butter  Soap

Since soap is a necessity, make it fun and head over to So Stinking Sweet's shop!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Sometimes Movies Can Teach You Just How Lame You Are.

I think  learned a life lesson today.  Or something like that.  You be the judge.  (I know, another life lesson?  So soon?  To that, I say, you are never done learning, my friends.)

So, we went to see the movie The Crazies today, which, I'll be the first to admit has the lamest title in the history of movies titles, but it was good.  If you like gory suspense movies about populations getting "the sickness," or in this case, "the crazies," and the brave title characters have to try to survive, then you will like (or even love) this flick. The tipping point between like and love hinges upon your feelings for THIS MAN:

Timothy Olyphant.

He is also the Sheriff in Deadwood.   I'm sure he's been in plenty of other stuff too, but I didn't bother to look it up.  I'll give YOU the pleasure of googling him on your free time.

Also, maybe you should report back to me and let me know what he has been in.  Thanks.

Anyway, *I* think he is just lovely, so the movie rocked my socks.

Moving along.  I feel like there were plenty of lessons to be learned from this film.  You know, about avoiding contamination, surviving in apocalypse-type situations, and remembering the buddy system.  All worth the cost of a movie ticket.

But I was hung up on something totally different.  In the beginning of the film, we learn that the lead characters are pregnant.  One month pregnant, to be exact.  Then you get a peak into the nursery.  

Yeah, they already have a nursery.  And you know what else?  A crib.  And a mobile.  And one of those expensive gliders.  WALLPAPER.  Like, they looked all set to pop that kid out and start raising it.

You know what WE have to raise our baby that is scheduled to arrive in about 4-ish months?

Yeah.  THAT'S IT.  

But, to be fair, they are some stellar pieces.  I mean, a Beatles onesie?  Fantastic.  And if there is one book to read to the baby, Dr. Suess is a great choice.  And that sling.  It is ultimate AND organic.  So ... bonus.  And the princess onesie?  Well, if the baby is a girl, you better believe I will take a million pictures of her wearing this.  If it's a boy ... he might still have to wear it at some point.  I mean, we ONLY HAVE TWO OUTFITS FOR THE KID.  But I won't take any pictures.  I'm not TRYING to mess the kid up.  That will happen very naturally and in it's own good time.  No need to force it.

My friends have been asking me "what have you bought for the baby?" and "have you started decorating the nursery?" and I'm all, "Ummm ... I have a few months."  Then they get real quiet, and I'm pretty sure they are making a mental note to call CPS.  

When Jeremy saw this pile of baby things sitting out, I informed him that we were woefully unprepared to be parents, to which he replied, "Nah, I'm pretty sure this is the EXACT amount of things you need to raise a baby.  And what the hell makes this sling ORGANIC?"

But, I guess I have a horror flick to thank for kicking my ass into gear.  I better get a second job so I can start SHOPPING.  

image source

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Super-Important Life Lessons that You Need to Read and Memorize IMMEDIATELY

So, last week I had a little adventure.  And that little adventure ended up costing me approximately $3.2 billion.  Or something.  So, my little Chickadees, I thought I would save YOU the time, money, and embarrassment of a similar situation by raining some important life lessons down on you.  Ready? 

LESSON 1:  If you feel like speeding down a quiet, deserted country road late at night -- the kind that is all smooth and straight and flat and car-free and glorious and makes you want to roll down the windows, turn up the music and speed -- DON'T.  Just DON'T.  The Sheriff in those parts is likely bored and hiding in a bush somewhere.

LESSON 2:  If you ARE speeding down a quiet, flat deserted country road late at night after a 12-hour work day and you exhibit such suspicious behaviors such as immediately pulling over your Ford Focus (with the ASPCA sticker on it), putting on your flashers, and putting your hands on the steering wheel, you are sending a secret message to the Sheriff.  That message is: You are dangerous.  

LESSON 3:  Therefore, said Sheriff will NOT come to the driver's side window like a normal cop.  Instead, he will creep up on the passenger side and then pop up like a jack-in-the box.  When he does this, do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT allow yourself to be scared and say something stupid like "OH MY GOD, YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME ... I mean, hello officer.  How are you this fine evening?"  This, combined with the English textbooks in your backseat and the ungraded student papers in the front seat will cause Sheriff #1 to signal his friend, Sheriff #2.

LESSON 3:  Here's where it gets tricky.  You should have NOTICED that signal, and that way you would be able to anticipate that Sheriff #2 was about to show up and lean in your open driver's side window and get two inches from your face and then snap on a flashlight.  In this case, PLEASE also avoid being startled.  This will only further convince them that you are drunk, a meth lord, a human smuggler, or a serial killer.  This will lead to many questions and flashlights in your face and other scare tactics that are very effective on pregnant English professors.  DO NOT CRY.

LESSON 4:  It turns out, you have to renew the registration on your plates every year.  No, like EVERY year.  Even if ... stay with me ... the Secretary of State sends your renewal forms to your OLD address (you know, the apartment complex where the new residents are likely to see the envelope and be all "not my problem" and throw it away) and NOT the address on your driver's license.  No one cares if this happens to you.  YOU are still the idiot because you didn't notice that you hadn't gotten that form yet this year.

LESSON 5:  In this type of situation, once you have given Sheriff #1 and Sheriff #2 your license, registration, and proof of insurance, they will make you wait in your car for TWENTY TWO MINUTES until they come back.  Get ready to see those flashing lights in your mirrors for long enough to drive you insane.

LESSON 6:  When Sheriff #1 comes back and tells you that your insurance is also expired, don't enact the following conversation:
S #1:  Okay, your insurance is also expired.
You:  No, it's not.
S #1:  Yes, it is.
You:  NO, seriously, it's NOT.  
S #1:  Ma'am, look at the date on this piece of paper.
You:  Hmm.  Irrelevant.  My husband just put a new one in my car like 3 weeks ago, so it's here somewhere.  I thought he replaced the old one with the new one ... ?
S #1:  Ma'am.  I have no idea what your husband did with the paper that YOU are supposed to be in charge of when you are in a moving vehicle.
You:  Ha.  Ha ha ha.  Of course.  Sorry officer.  But I swear, I HAVE insurance.  We can call them.  Will that work?
S #1:  Ma'am ... sigh ... how about I just give you this ticket and then you can leave?
You:  Okay, sounds great. But I totally have up-to-date insurance.  Just so you know.
S #1:  Well, that's great, because usually in a situation like this, we tow the car away.  But I think I should just give you this ticket and let you go home instead.
You:  Sounds fantastic.
S #1:  Sigh.

SUB-LESSSON (6.b.):  If you are prone to ignoring your dear husband when he gives you important documents, like your proof of insurance, he will instead start putting said documents in your car FOR you.  However, he might NOT put them in the handy little marked book in your driver's side visor that says "REGISTRATION AND INSURANCE."  No, he will put it somewhere else. Somewhere where you will never think to look.  And then a Sheriff will threaten to tow your car.  So, pay attention to your dear husband when he tries to give you important documents.

And finally, LESSON 7:  The Secretary of State is NO PLACE for a pregnant woman who was recently told by her doctor to get more rest and stay calm if this woman also cannot tolerate foolishness.  I'll leave it at that.

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