Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. X: Recurring Utterances

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.

There are a few things that Jeremy has been saying over and over again lately.  Let me tell you about them ...


Whenever Jeremy tells me about something "bad" MoJo does and I say something like "He didn't mean it" or "He's just a cat," Jeremy then retorts:
"You defend that cat like he split the atom!"


Whenever the cat or dog get too close to Jeremy's legs when he is walking or going up or down the stairs (because he is convinced they are trying to trip him on purpose), he shouts:
"Sabotage!"


Whenever I ask Jeremy to change Josephine's diaper and he gets upstairs to find poop, he yells at me:
"You set me up!"


Apparently, Jeremy ranks the animals in accordance with their behavior ...


Whenever the cat does something Jeremy likes, he turns to Cleo and says:
"Watch out, Cleo, you're slipping to #2."


Whenever the cat does something Jeremy doesn't like, he says:
"See MoJo, this is why you're #2." 

You Had Me at "Rescue Dogs"

OK Go, the boys who stole my heart with their infamous treadmill video (Go ahead -- say you don't love it too.  I'll call you a liar.) discovered a way to make me love them even more.  Their new video?  OMG.  I "sqeee"ed so much when I heard about it that I thought I wouldn't have any left for when I watched it.  I was wrong.  I had plenty of squeals left in me.


OK Go's new video features ... (wait for it) ... RESCUE DOGS DOING TRICKS!!!!  Get ready for heart-melting amazingness:



They did the video in one take (no cuts or edits!) to highlight the professionalism and awesomeness of the dogs.  They are also using the video to raise money for the ASPCA (*SWOON*).  If you head over to their website, you can buy their video, with all proceeds helping rescue dogs who haven't found their homes yet.


And, okay, maybe my rescue dog can't do tricks like that, but she can sit (about 85% of the times you ask her) ...

Amazing!

AND she helps soothe the baby by giving Josephine her favorite dog toy when she cries.

This actually happened.  For reals.

And my rescue cat?  Well ... he steals the dog's bed and adds a certain level of sass to the household.  Just the way I like it.

If you ever want to bring an animal into your life, consider ADOPTION.  You won't regret it!  In the meantime, watch the video and swoon away.

I Made a Boo-boo

I am not really a superstitious person. I am obviously not afraid of black cats ...

(Isn't my cat handsome??)

... I don't mind spilling salt, and if I have to walk under a ladder, I do so with impunity.  


However, there is one little suspicious thing my mom always said that I have found to be SO true.  She has always warned me that you should never start sentences with "It has been forever since ... " or "I have never ... " if you don't want the latter half of the sentence to happen, like, IMMEDIATELY.  


She has warned me against jinxing myself time and again, yet I still do stupid things like say, "Wow, it has been a year since I have been pulled over for speeding" (which is followed by a ticket within the week) or "I can't believe I don't have any stretch marks yet!" (which precipitated the map of New York city that now adorns my stomach).


Connected to the "saying things out loud" jinx is the preparation jinx: If you decide not to take an umbrella with you, it will rain; if you bring your jacket, it will be boiling hot. So yesterday I totally shot myself in the foot. You may or may not know that I still have 4-ish weeks of pregnancy and my doctors just broke the news that my daughter already weighs seven pounds. Yeah. Bloody fantastic. So she can come early and be a normal size or come on (or after) her due date and weigh like 28 pounds. I am hoping for the former.

(look at her -- just growing away in there, and LAUGHING at me.  LAUGHING!  I guarantee it.)

Too bad I just jinxed myself into having a large, late baby. Yeah, as of yesterday, this is what my desk at work looks like:

Those are detailed lesson plans, along with sing-in sheets, handouts (in the order they will be used) and more information than a sub would ever need, for both of my classes, for the next four weeks of class.  

I have four weeks of teaching left and four weeks of pregnancy left, and the possibility that I could go into labor early forced my anxious brain into preparing these packets. But now? The baby will OBVIOUSLY not come early if I am all prepared and covered at work. If there had been a possibility that I would have to take my laptop to type up lesson plans and e-mail them to a sub while in labor, I am sure the baby would come early. She would just LOVE that. I mean, she is my child.  


Damn my organizational skills! I never thought they would betray me! Perhaps there's still a chance ... the all-spicy-food diet starts in two weeks!


P.S.  But is this perhaps worse? A few hours ago, I actually said -- OUT LOUD -- "You know, every pregnant woman has warned me about ___________ (←something people generally don't like to read about). Isn't it awesome that I don't have them?" Oh, baby Jebus. 


P.P.S.  The first person to comment and correctly fill in the blank wins a gold star.


P.P.P.S.  Okay, so maybe not a literal gold star, but like when people say, "Gold star for you!"


P.P.P.P.S.  I changed my mind again. You want a gold star, you got it. Shoot me an e-mail with your address to veronicamarcetti {at} gmail {dot} com and I will mail you a gold star.


P.P.P.P.P.S.  If you earn it.

I'm Onto You, Rat-Man

Does this ever happen to you?  You're living life, holding on to your firm beliefs, when all of a sudden, BAM, someone swoops in and tries to make you not hate them, even though you totally hate them and have never had any intention of not hating them but now you are left wondering what you are supposed to DO with this new information?

Let me back up.

If you are not from the frozen tundra Michigan area and/or are not interested in the NBA (Guess which one is true about me.  Come on.  I bet you can do it. Refer here if you want a clue.), you may be unfamiliar with the cast of characters involved in this little story, so I will introduce you.

Gross weirdo #1: Rip Hamilton

{source}

*SHUDDER*  Oh Rip, you are so gross.  And you wear that damn face mask ALL the time.  

Jeremy gets mad and tells me he only wears the mask so he doesn't break his nose, and I can respect the fact that he is wearing a product that was made for the general public and was not custom-made for his creepy ass, but seriously. Nobody else wears those things 24-7 like he does.

He is so worried about his precious nose breaking that he wears it AFTER the game during his locker room interviews?  He wears it during warm up with his own teammates, who are mostly showing off for the cameras and have no intention of breaking his nose?  He wears it when goes grocery shopping at Meijer?  Okay, I may have made that last part up, but I can totally see it, and I wouldn't put it past him.

Does this thing not look creepy to anyone else?  A little like THIS?

{source}

And that is bad, because it makes me think of THIS scene:

{source}

And that makes me feel all vomit-y and molested, so let's move on.

My hatred for this guy seems to really be wrapped up in his face mask, but I promise you, it is so much more.  He is scrawny, uppity, and when you look in his eyes, you can see nothing but meanness, and in my book, those are enough reasons to receive my hated.

Okay, so there was only one character, which doesn't really constitute a cast of characters, but I like that phrase and it sounded good when I said it up there.

The bottom line is, I hate Rip Hamilton.  Whenever I look up accidentally during a basketball game (because I try not to do it on purpose), I hope I won't see that little rat-man, and if I do see him, I tell Jeremy to get him off the screen or I will scream.

He used to try and reason with me when I said things like this, but now he doesn't.  I think he really enjoys those little moments we share.  I know I do.

Once again, still hating Rip Hamilton.  UNTIL ... I hear someone with an annoying voice talking about how anyone who wants a little cat or dog friend should consider rescuing it from a shelter.  I melted, even though it sounded like the person was an assbutt.  Without looking up from what I was doing, I was agreeing with the person, saying (possibly out loud) "Yeah, everyone wants a perfect puppy or kitten from a breeder or pet shop, but what about all those wonderful animals out there who also need to be rescued?!  And my animals are from shelters, and they are the best animals EVER!!!!  And ..."  Then I saw who I was talking to.

Yup.  Rip freakin' Hamilton.

Confronted with information that was obviously intended to trick me into not hating Rip, I began some serious research.  By this, I mean I rewound the commercial and watched it over and over, pointing out flaws in his evil plot to Cleo and MoJo, the aforementioned perfect animals. These flaws include, but are not limited to:

1. Rip does not LOOK sincere during this commercial.  He looks slack-jawed and uninterested, and yet also manages to look cocky. 
2. Rip's eyes CLEARLY move in a cue-card-reading fashion.  Why would you need to read cue cards for a two-sentence commercial for something you BELIEVE in.  Answer:  You wouldn't.
3. Rip does not SOUND sincere during this commercial.  Rip sounds uninterested and cocky.  And also like he is reading from cue cards. Which is lame.  Sarah McLaughlin does not look or sound uninterested or read from cue cards during HER animal commercials.

Case closed.  I still hate Rip Hamilton, and now I am more aware of people trying to trick me into not hating people I hate.

Please, learn a lesson from this tragic event.  Be aware.  Be ever vigilant. Maintain your hatreds.

This Is When I Realized My Insomnia May Have Affected My Precarious Sanity

When is too much too much?

Ah, yes.  When you start pointing your camera in the general direction of your pets in pitch-black bedrooms in the middle of the night and then collapse into fits of laughter when you see how the pictures turned out.  Or maybe it was already too much when I walked into the bedroom and thought they were SOO cute that I should run downstairs, get the camera, get upstairs, realize I left the memory card in the computer, run back downstairs for the memory card, put it into the camera and run BACK upstairs, all the while hoping the animal didn't move and ruin my fun.

In my defense, Cleo was laying on the body pillow my mom sent me ....

Who WOULDN'T want a photo of that?!?

And, my sweet little MoJo poses a lot, and you can't tell me he doesn't look precious when he crosses his little paws!

(That lump under his paws is my husband's leg.)

After taking this senior picture-esque shot of the cat, I may or may not have been laughing so hard I snorted.  I told him I wanted to try to get just one more shot (Like, spoke to him.  Out loud.  Inches from my sleeping husband.) ...

... and it finally hit me when he gave me this "what is your deal, lady?" look.  I have gone over the edge.  

Even more terrifying is the fact that I realized anthropomorphizing my pets is all well and good (it's like my favorite thing ever), but when their imagined emotions lead me to major realizations ... 

Time to wake up Jeremy and force him to help me fall asleep. 

*             *             *              *              *

UPDATE (2:32 AM):  So guess what?  I woke up Jeremy and told him I needed help falling asleep.  But I am still awake.  Here is what transpired: 


Veronica:  Umm, Jeremy.  Wake up.  If you love me, you will help me fall asleep.
Jeremy:  Are you serious?
V:  Dead serious.  I need to get up in a few hours so I can go to an all-day meeting, so let's get crackin'.  Put me to sleep.
J:  I can't just "put you to sleep."  You are in charge of your body.
V:  But if you loved me, you would rub my back and soothe me and sit up and wait until I fall asleep.
J:  Remember how I rubbed your back from 10:00 to 11:30?
V:  That was then.  This is now.  If you LOVED ME, you would help me more.
J:  You can't keep saying that.  
V:  But it's true.  If you loved me, you wouldn't be able to fall asleep until you knew I was safely asleep.
J:  Veronica ... I love you, but right now I don't like you very much.
V:  My mom used to say that to me a lot.
J:  Well ... [rolls over and goes back to sleep]

*             *             *              *              *

UPDATE #2 (2:55 AM):  I guess I really didn't learn anything at all.


MoJo came waltzing over to me, purring, wearing his tail in his infamous "Question Mark" style, and I immediately reached for the camera.  I have NEVER been able to get a picture of that tail!  Tonight's the night!!


BAM!:

Isn't it majestic??  And yes, that IS Michael Scott who is being framed by my cat's tail.  Season 5: Prince Family Paper.

But seriously, maybe I should wake Jeremy up again.

*             *             *              *              *

UPDATE #3 (8:25 AM):  I'm feeling a little guilty.  Jeremy just left for work -- 45 minutes late -- because he hit the snooze too many times.  Which MIGHT be a direct result of me waking him up constantly and crying in his face.


At about 4:30, he woke up and said very nice things to me and tried to rub my back and stay awake.  And this was while I had been plotting evil things to get him to wake up and like me enough again to help soothe me to sleep.


I think he loves me AND likes me!  At least he will until he reads this.

Best of 2009 Challenge

Since there are only a few days left of 2009, I figured I should get on the ball and finally start the Best of 2009 challenge. 

Night out
The greatest night of 2009 technically started in 2008 but rocked late into the first day of 2009.  Is that cheating?  Wait.  Never mind.  I don't care, because no night could have topped this night:


My Wedding.


I know.  Swoon.


As some of you may know, I got married on December 31st, 2008, and the reception raged late into the new year.  It was a night filled with my favorite people, lots of dancing, and so many memories that I know I will never ever forget.

Moment of peace
This one is simple:  My honeymoon in Nuevo Vallarta, Mexico.  Oh.  My.  God. An amazing week in the sun at an all-inclusive resort.


THIS was the view from our balcony:

Yeah, our balcony with a BED on it!:

There were multiple pools that were only a few feet from the ocean ...

... and, of course, lovely swim up bars ...

... where we were got special "honeymooner" drinks in addition to all our other free drinks!

Yeah, and a waiter or waitress was assigned to you all day, and they would bring you anything you wanted, no matter where you were:

We had free 24-hour room service ...

... and they made us sweet desserts like these:

I wish we could have stayed forever.

Blog Find of the Year
Since I only started blogging this year, all of my finds are ones I lived without until this year, but I have found some real beauties.  I love Pilgrim Congress for her drawings in Paint and Jesus jokes, Live It, LOVE It for her general hilariousness and TMI Thursday, and Ex Hot Girl for her inspiration.

However, if you have read my blog in the last week, you know who my fave is: Hyperbole and a Half.  Imagine David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs.  Now make it a straight girl (not that there's anything wrong with that!) who did not have such a devastating childhood.  Add lots of long sentences and an out-of-control imagination and use of sarcasm, and you have Allie.  Go check her out!

Book of the Year
David Sedaris' newest, When You Are Engulfed In Flames, rose to the top of my list.  

If you are a Sedaris fan and haven't read this book yet, go buy it!


Album of the year
Well, since I am a LAME-O, I will leave this one to my husband.


He reports: "I have co-winners ...

Arctic Monkeys, Humbug

and Them Crooked Vultures, Them Crooked Vultures

TV show of the Year
The Office is definitely the one show I cannot live without.

Honorable mentions:  It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Hoarders, and 30 Rock

Film of the Year
Simple.  Inglourious Basterds.  

A-maz-ing.  So wonderful, interesting, funny, sad, moving, and inspiring.


Honorable mention:  The Hangover.  HI-larious.


Best change made to the place I live
We have not been able to make many changes to our home this year since we are renting, but we did make two purchases that really changed the look of our whole living room:

This TV stand makes us feel very "adult."


However, hands down, the best "new addition" to our home was our little sweetheart, Cleo.

She brings us so much love and joy every day, and she is such an important part of the family.


At first, MoJo wasn't too keen with the changes made to the family structure, but they are now buddies.

Or, they coexist somewhat peacefully.  Whatever.


Challenge. 
Well, that would have to be my job.  To make a long story short (which I am not so good at -- have you READ this blog?), I was handed a lot more than I signed up for this quarter.  I was happy (kind of) to step up and help when I was really needed, but it certainly made for a long and soul-crushing few months.  The positives were that I tested my strength, I made it out alive, and because I had to go "above and beyond" my contract last quarter, I will get a break in my schedule next quarter but still get the same paycheck.  Say what?!?  I am looking forward to that.  Big time.

The best place. 

Please allow me to be schmoopy and dorky.  Oh, wait, you can't stop me! Muahahaha!

Anyway, my favorite place is laying on my husband's lap on our big red couch.  

I had a million other possibilities, ones that made me sound more interesting, hardworking, driven, or artistic, but they were all lies.  My favorite place is being curled up, safe, and relaxed with the husband.

Word or phrase. “2009 was _____.”

Evolution.  I moved up at work, it was the first year of my marriage, and we got a dog.  Things were certainly happening this year, and I feel that it was a very natural evolution into my more "adult" life.

Resolution you wish you’d stuck with.

Well, duh.  I wanted to lose eighty trillion pounds, and eat much healthier, remember to take my vitamins every day, and exercise five days a week.  EPIC FAIL.

However, I think I have set some more realistic health goals for this year, and I am going to have a little checklist on my fridge so I can remember to accomplish them every day.  Here's what I have so far:

1. Eat one salad a day
2. Take a multi-vitamin, Calcium, vitamin D, and vitamin C every day
3. Include a healthy lean protein in my lunch
4. Have two small snacks during the day to make me less hungry during meal times
5. Eat at least 5 servings of fruit and veggies in a variety of colors
6. If I don't do structured exercise, I have to walk Cleo for 40 minutes

Okay, so I didn't answer all 31 questions, but these are the ones that really apply to me and I will want to look back on 10 years from now.  

So, what are YOUR bests of 2009?

My Little Loves

These animals have it GOOD.

But I Love YOU, Pine Trees!

Today was a magical, wonderful day. I went to my VERY FIRST tree farm and got my VERY FIRST live Christmas tree.

My poor father is very allergic to pine needles, so we always rocked the artificial tree. Jeremy always had real trees, and we were excited to get our first tree. 

Jeremy was kind enough to research tree farms and then roll me out of bed early this morning so we could beat the crowds of idiots.

He was not, however, prepared for me to start crying and say that we couldn't get our FIRST TREE on our FIRST CHRISTMAS AS A MARRIED COUPLE without pictures to commemorate the event, and my camera, sadly, was resting in peace. So, we went and bought a camera. But they are on sale now, and I REALLY need a camera for my life make sense, so I am not sorry. 

Plus, I got all of this FINE photographic evidence!!:

Jeremy, with the saw and wagon, as we head out into the frozen tundra to find the tree of our dreams

There was not much snow on the ground and it was very bright out, but it was C-O-L-D! Yuck.

Next, Jeremy took the camera and turned it on me. I asked him what I should be doing, and he told me to "act natural." I KINDLY reminded him that it is in NO way natural for me to voluntarily be outdoors when it dips below 45 degrees.

So, I guess this is me being natural. Outside. In the cold. Surrounded by pine trees.

It actually didn't take us very long to find "the tree," so, Jeremy hacked away, and we were good to go.

Admiring

Sawing

Pleased with his handywork

I was proud of my choice to go to the "Scotch Pine" section. 

As you can see, our tree is a traditional species, has excellent needle retention, and is excellent for extended display. Excellent.

The ride back to the cashier

Aww. Our first tree tag. And look, we are BARGAIN shoppers!

Tied to the roof ... the question is, will it stay there?

But it DID stay tied to the roof!  Next, we had to get it standing up straight. Ummm. Kind of more difficult than we anticipated. Turns out the trunk was a BIT wonky and crooked. 

Cleo was super excited to see the tree in the living room. Here, she is licking Jeremy's face like mad.

MoJo helps Jeremy check out the problem

About then is when we realized that I, too, may be allergic to those little pine needles that were now taking over my home. I realized this might be the case when I was wondering why my arms felt like they had been set on fire and I pulled up my sleeves to see a red dot in every single place a needle had touched me and hives forming. Awesome.

Not the best photographic evidence, but my vampire skin does not photograph well, okay?

About one minute later, I realized that the lights I got on clearance last year were such an awesome deal because they were white lights on WHITE strands, not green, and looked DIS-GUS-TING on the tree. So what did I do? What any rational person does: I cried that Christmas was ruined.

We had already been in and out of like 15 stores that day, and I was exhausted and just wanted to decorate the tree, and my arm was on FIRE, damnit!!

So Jeremy quietly left the house to buy acceptable lights, and I hung the stockings. With care.

Can you guess which is mine and which is Jeremy's?

Here wife. Will this stop the howling and sobbing?

It did. We put on the lights and began to decorate our lovely tree.

Look, a picture of me! (and MoJo in the background. Creeper.)

MoJo wonders "Is this made of REAL Santa?"

And then the star ...

... and the reveal.

And I only broke two bulb ornaments.  

Then I promptly fell asleep on the couch. For four hours.

Merry Christmas!!