Does this ever happen to you? You're living life, holding on to your firm beliefs, when all of a sudden, BAM, someone swoops in and tries to make you not hate them, even though you totally hate them and have never had any intention of not hating them but now you are left wondering what you are supposed to DO with this new information?
Let me back up.
If you are not from the frozen tundra Michigan area and/or are not interested in the NBA (Guess which one is true about me. Come on. I bet you can do it. Refer here if you want a clue.), you may be unfamiliar with the cast of characters involved in this little story, so I will introduce you.
Gross weirdo #1: Rip Hamilton
*SHUDDER* Oh Rip, you are so gross. And you wear that damn face mask ALL the time.
Jeremy gets mad and tells me he only wears the mask so he doesn't break his nose, and I can respect the fact that he is wearing a product that was made for the general public and was not custom-made for his creepy ass, but seriously. Nobody else wears those things 24-7 like he does.
He is so worried about his precious nose breaking that he wears it AFTER the game during his locker room interviews? He wears it during warm up with his own teammates, who are mostly showing off for the cameras and have no intention of breaking his nose? He wears it when goes grocery shopping at Meijer? Okay, I may have made that last part up, but I can totally see it, and I wouldn't put it past him.
Does this thing not look creepy to anyone else? A little like THIS?
And that is bad, because it makes me think of THIS scene:
And that makes me feel all vomit-y and molested, so let's move on.
My hatred for this guy seems to really be wrapped up in his face mask, but I promise you, it is so much more. He is scrawny, uppity, and when you look in his eyes, you can see nothing but meanness, and in my book, those are enough reasons to receive my hated.
Okay, so there was only one character, which doesn't really constitute a cast of characters, but I like that phrase and it sounded good when I said it up there.
The bottom line is, I hate Rip Hamilton. Whenever I look up accidentally during a basketball game (because I try not to do it on purpose), I hope I won't see that little rat-man, and if I do see him, I tell Jeremy to get him off the screen or I will scream.
He used to try and reason with me when I said things like this, but now he doesn't. I think he really enjoys those little moments we share. I know I do.
Once again, still hating Rip Hamilton. UNTIL ... I hear someone with an annoying voice talking about how anyone who wants a little cat or dog friend should consider rescuing it from a shelter. I melted, even though it sounded like the person was an assbutt. Without looking up from what I was doing, I was agreeing with the person, saying (possibly out loud) "Yeah, everyone wants a perfect puppy or kitten from a breeder or pet shop, but what about all those wonderful animals out there who also need to be rescued?! And my animals are from shelters, and they are the best animals EVER!!!! And ..." Then I saw who I was talking to.
Yup. Rip freakin' Hamilton.
Confronted with information that was obviously intended to trick me into not hating Rip, I began some serious research. By this, I mean I rewound the commercial and watched it over and over, pointing out flaws in his evil plot to Cleo and MoJo, the aforementioned perfect animals. These flaws include, but are not limited to:
- Rip does not LOOK sincere during this commercial. He looks slack-jawed and uninterested, and yet also manages to look cocky.
- Rip's eyes CLEARLY move in a cue-card-reading fashion. Why would you need to read cue cards for a two-sentence commercial for something you BELIEVE in. Answer: You wouldn't.
- Rip does not SOUND sincere during this commercial. Rip sounds uninterested and cocky. And also like he is reading from cue cards. Which is lame. Sarah McLaughlin does not look or sound uninterested or read from cue cards during HER animal commercials.
Case closed. I still hate Rip Hamilton, and now I am more aware of people trying to trick me into not hating people I hate.
Please, learn a lesson from this tragic event. Be aware. Be ever vigilant. Maintain your hatreds.