Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. IV

In honor of my 50th documented follower (like people who are willing to let other people know they read my blog.  Amazing.), I thought I would sprinkle your average days with an above-average dose of hilariousness: Volume IV of Funny Stuff My Husband Says! To see all Volumes, click here.


Please, do enjoy!


SCENE:  WE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH.  JEREMY TURNS TO ME, AND, OUT OF NOWHERE SAYS:


Jeremy:  Our kids are going to have a leg up on making paper airplanes.*


Veronica:  Umm?  Paper airplanes?  That's nice.


Jeremy:  Do you want to know WHY?


Veronica:  Of course.


Jeremy:  I came up with the best design EVER, and not only did it win the paper airplane competition for distance in 6th grade ... *dramatic pause* ... it won by TWENTY FEET.


JEREMY TURNS AWAY, LOOKING VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, AND CONTINUES WITH WHAT HE WAS DOING.


*Note: This is before we found out I was pregnant


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SCENE:  WE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, WATCHING AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK ABOUT A SPELLING BEE.


Jeremy:  Oh, honey, you know what I never told you?


Veronica:  What?


Jeremy:  I won the Geography Bee in 5th grade.


Veronica:  Oh yeah, you did tell me that.


[JEREMY GIVES ME AN EVIL LOOK]


Veronica:  I mean ... you won the GEOGRAPHY bee?  Wow!  That is really great!


Jeremy:  [filled with childlike excitement] Yeah, I know!  And I didn't even try!!


FIVE MINUTES LATER


Jeremy:  Yeah, I totally didn't even try.  And I didn't even find out until the end of the year.  They were just like, "And, winner of the geography bee is ... JEREMY DIMICK."  And I was like, "Badass!"  ... Why are you laughing so hard?


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SCENE:  ON THE DAY OF JEREMY'S GRADUATION FROM GRAD SCHOOL, I BROUGHT OUT A CAKE THAT SAID "CONGRATULATIONS JEREMY!" WRITTEN ON IT, JUST LIKE I PROMISED I HAD BOUGHT FOR US TO ENJOY WITH HIS FAMILY


Jeremy:  OH MY GOD.  It actually has my name on it????!!!?!?!!!


Veronica:  Ummm, yes.


Jeremy:  But this isn't YOUR handwriting!  Who wrote it?


Veronica:  The lady at the Meijer Bakery.  [I look at Jeremy's mom and blush]  I mean ... that fancy bakery down the street ... whatever ... yes, the lady at Meijer wrote it.  Why?


Jeremy:  How did you get her to do that?


Veronica:  I asked her.


Jeremy:  And she just DID it?  For FREE??!?!!?


Veronica:  Yes, just like at every other bakery in the world.  Would you like me to cut the cake now, or ...


Jeremy:  I'm sorry, but this is totally blowing my mind.  For FREE?  Just because you asked?  Tell me how it happened.


Veronica:  Just like you might imagine.  Now I am going to serve this cake to your family.


[THREE DAYS LATER]


Jeremy:  So let me get this straight.  You just walked up to that counter in Meijer and held up a cake and asked them to write on it and they DID and they did it for FREE?


Veronica:  Yes, Jeremy.  That is exactly what happened.


Jeremy:  How did I never know about this???


Veronica: [Silently exits room]