I'm sorry. Here is the official written warning: I might talk about the embryo/fetus/child over here from time to time. It's hard to avoid the bleed over. And if babies make you cry or retch and you need to unfollow me because of this, be my guest. (Except, I just took a screen shot of my list of followers, and if the numbers shrink I will figure out who unfollowed me and then I will FIND YOU. And MAKE you love me again.)
But I promise you this: (I have one hand in the air and one hand on my cleavage) all of the schmoopy updates and letters to unborn children and pleas for advice will be over THERE. Over here is the stuff that might make you laugh even if you are not a mom and are too attached to wine to ever be one (it was a ROUGH break-up, let me tell you ...). So, you have been warned.
This baby is kicking my ass. Big time.
Today I thought I would trick my brain into thinking I am not dying, and I STOOD UP for longer than five minutes. (This whole tricking my brain thing is getting a little easier every day. Like when I feel a wave a nausea, I tell myself, "Oh my! A cough is coming on! You simply need to cough, not puke, self!" and sometimes it works!)
While standing up for longer than five minutes I did a bunch of heroic things like wiping down the counters and swiffering the floors and MAKING DINNER. It was unreal. Every time I felt like dying, I told myself, "Oh, don't worry, body. That is not you about to pass out! That is just the excitement from CLEANING! Oh, how you missed it!!" I felt like I had completed a triathalon when I was done, but by God, my microwave was clean again.
It really got me to thinking about those New Year's Resolutions that I was too busy crying to write and how I can still set goals -- I just need to do them from this exhausted and nauseated place. When little things feel like acts of international importance, you need to keep that feeling alive!
So, here are some realistic goals for 2010. I resolve to ...
Drop my baby less than 20 times.
Sometimes get dressed.
Leave the house twice a week.
Okay. That's enough.
I can probably do these things. Right? I mean, I cleaned a MICROWAVE today when I had every intention of staying on the couch all day and crying. It's all a matter of motivation.
My plan is the print these out and post them on the fridge. That way, every day when I accomplish one of these goals, I will feel like I won the Nobel Prize or something.
I suggest you all do the same. Happy New Year's a few days late!