Monday, January 4, 2010

I Bet My Husband is Still VERY Attracted to Me

Okay, I am sure most of my (highly intelligent, supremely loyal) readers now know I am knocked up. They also might know that I have started a baby blog. They ALSO might realize that some of the babyness is going to spill over here to my "humor" blog.  

I'm sorry.  Here is the official written warning:  I might talk about the embryo/fetus/child over here from time to time.  It's hard to avoid the bleed over. And if babies make you cry or retch and you need to unfollow me because of this, be my guest.  (Except, I just took a screen shot of my list of followers, and if the numbers shrink I will figure out who unfollowed me and then I will FIND YOU.  And MAKE you love me again.)  

But I promise you this: (I have one hand in the air and one hand on my cleavage) all of the schmoopy updates and letters to unborn children and pleas for advice will be over THERE.  Over here is the stuff that might make you laugh even if you are not a mom and are too attached to wine to ever be one (it was a ROUGH break-up, let me tell you ...).  So, you have been warned.

Moving on.

This baby is kicking my ass.  Big time.  

Today I thought I would trick my brain into thinking I am not dying, and I STOOD UP for longer than five minutes. (This whole tricking my brain thing is getting a little easier every day.  Like when I feel a wave a nausea, I tell myself, "Oh my! A cough is coming on!  You simply need to cough, not puke, self!"  and sometimes it works!)  

While standing up for longer than five minutes I did a bunch of heroic things like wiping down the counters and swiffering the floors and MAKING DINNER.  It was unreal.  Every time I felt like dying, I told myself, "Oh, don't worry, body.  That is not you about to pass out!  That is just the excitement from CLEANING!  Oh, how you missed it!!"  I felt like I had completed a triathalon when I was done, but by God, my microwave was clean again.

It really got me to thinking about those New Year's Resolutions that I was too busy crying to write and how I can still set goals -- I just need to do them from this exhausted and nauseated place.  When little things feel like acts of international importance, you need to keep that feeling alive!

So, here are some realistic goals for 2010.  I resolve to ...

Drop my baby less than 20 times.
Sometimes get dressed.
Leave the house twice a week.

Okay.  That's enough.  

I can probably do these things.  Right?  I mean, I cleaned a MICROWAVE today when I had every intention of staying on the couch all day and crying.  It's all a matter of motivation.  

My plan is the print these out and post them on the fridge.  That way, every day when I accomplish one of these goals, I will feel like I won the Nobel Prize or something.

I suggest you all do the same.  Happy New Year's a few days late!


  1. lol you are too funny! I am so glad you created another blog for all things baby! and I am totally ok with the spill over I mean its a HUGE part of your life I would expect it in your lovely lil blog!! =D Love your goals! lol you can do it

  2. The way you describe being pregs, how can anyone hold down a job?! I think I'd just die! I keep joking with DH that I should get pregs while I'm laid off looking for work - maybe I really should. Ha ha!


  3. Nicole -- thanks for the support! Ha! Here's to hoping I can accomplish my lofty goals!

    Ally -- They say the first trimester is the worst and the suckiest part is usually around six weeks, so every day I wake up hoping I am turning that corner! In all honesty, I am much better than I was a few days ago when I included the graphic images.

    And I think this would be the PERFECT time to get knocked up if you are laid off. You can always get a job later, but you might LOSE a job by being all whiny and miserable like me. I go back to work on the 12th, so ... we'll see!

  4. I blame blogger. It absolutely did not tell me you had updated.
    Damn it.
    But yay! More stuff to read today.

    Seriously? You're going to leave the house at least twice a week? Does that include a day job? Otherwise, thumbs down.

  5. Sorry you are having a rough time of it. I felt so great when I was pregnant--that probably doesn't help, huh? Oh, except for all the water retention. Pretty much through my whole pregnancy my face looked like I was having a bad reaction to shellfish.

  6. Sarah P -- totally for a day job. Otherwise, I wouldn't even SET a goal for leaving the house because it would just be unattainable.

    Kim -- I do hate you a little knowing that you felt great, but when I think of the swelling I hate you less, so I think we are back to square one.

  7. I feel kind of weird finding out this is your 'humor' blog. I thought you were just that funny. Turns out you were TRYING?

    When disillusionment sets in, I turn to alcohol. Soak it for a few hours - it scrapes right back out again.

    Anyway - congrats on the fetus! I don't blame you for putting letting some fetus action spill over from your baby-blog to this one. You can't become to compartmentalized! Besides, nothing is funnier than a fetus.

  8. dogimo -- Oh my, no, I never TRY to be funny. How silly. No, I simply referred to this as my humor blog because of all the many many nominations and awards for best humor blog I have received.

    Thanks a lot for reminding me about sweet, sweet alcohol. I am going to have one hell of a reunion with it when this fetus is a real-live baby.

    And thanks. *I* like to think my fetus is funny, but you know how moms are.

  9. Oh my goodness, what a faux pas. My dear Vero M.D.! I owe you my apologies, sincere and abject. My mind slipped, I somehow forgot the teetotalin' aspect drilled into all responsible mothers-to-be, the privation that pregnancy entails. I can only imagine what a sore spot that must be for you.

    What a jerk move on my part! Please believe it wasn't meant.

    Just hang in there. It will all be worth it, once you come through it all and see and hold that sweet victory of nature: a healthy pink baby, cradled all dimply and a-gurgling nestled in the crook of one arm, and in the other hand...a little something celebratory, to make the moment just that more worthwhile.

    But I won't dwell on that further. My thunderous blessings upon you and your burgeoning family!

  10. You are forgiven.

    And I know it will be worth it, but ... my drinkies ... I can TASTE THEM!! I have even been considered buying the margarita mix and not adding the tequila.

    It's more of the NOT being able to thing that gets me. And there's a list a mile long ... no lunch meat, no feta cheese (WHAT ABOUT MY GREEK SALADS??!?), no crack, no meth. It's like living in North Korea or something.

    I may have lost a follower there. It was nice knowing you!!

  11. Sorry you are having a rough time of it. I felt so great when I was pregnant--that probably doesn't help, huh? Oh, except for all the water retention. Pretty much through my whole pregnancy my face looked like I was having a bad reaction to shellfish.


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