Thursday, January 7, 2010

I'm Onto You, Rat-Man

Does this ever happen to you?  You're living life, holding on to your firm beliefs, when all of a sudden, BAM, someone swoops in and tries to make you not hate them, even though you totally hate them and have never had any intention of not hating them but now you are left wondering what you are supposed to DO with this new information?

Let me back up.

If you are not from the frozen tundra Michigan area and/or are not interested in the NBA (Guess which one is true about me.  Come on.  I bet you can do it. Refer here if you want a clue.), you may be unfamiliar with the cast of characters involved in this little story, so I will introduce you.

Gross weirdo #1: Rip Hamilton

*SHUDDER*  Oh Rip, you are so gross.  And you wear that damn face mask ALL the time.  

Jeremy gets mad and tells me he only wears the mask so he doesn't break his nose, and I can respect the fact that he is wearing a product that was made for the general public and was not custom-made for his creepy ass, but seriously. Nobody else wears those things 24-7 like he does.

He is so worried about his precious nose breaking that he wears it AFTER the game during his locker room interviews?  He wears it during warm up with his own teammates, who are mostly showing off for the cameras and have no intention of breaking his nose?  He wears it when goes grocery shopping at Meijer?  Okay, I may have made that last part up, but I can totally see it, and I wouldn't put it past him.

Does this thing not look creepy to anyone else?  A little like THIS?

And that is bad, because it makes me think of THIS scene:

And that makes me feel all vomit-y and molested, so let's move on.

My hatred for this guy seems to really be wrapped up in his face mask, but I promise you, it is so much more.  He is scrawny, uppity, and when you look in his eyes, you can see nothing but meanness, and in my book, those are enough reasons to receive my hated.

Okay, so there was only one character, which doesn't really constitute a cast of characters, but I like that phrase and it sounded good when I said it up there.

The bottom line is, I hate Rip Hamilton.  Whenever I look up accidentally during a basketball game (because I try not to do it on purpose), I hope I won't see that little rat-man, and if I do see him, I tell Jeremy to get him off the screen or I will scream.

He used to try and reason with me when I said things like this, but now he doesn't.  I think he really enjoys those little moments we share.  I know I do.

Once again, still hating Rip Hamilton.  UNTIL ... I hear someone with an annoying voice talking about how anyone who wants a little cat or dog friend should consider rescuing it from a shelter.  I melted, even though it sounded like the person was an assbutt.  Without looking up from what I was doing, I was agreeing with the person, saying (possibly out loud) "Yeah, everyone wants a perfect puppy or kitten from a breeder or pet shop, but what about all those wonderful animals out there who also need to be rescued?!  And my animals are from shelters, and they are the best animals EVER!!!!  And ..."  Then I saw who I was talking to.

Yup.  Rip freakin' Hamilton.

Confronted with information that was obviously intended to trick me into not hating Rip, I began some serious research.  By this, I mean I rewound the commercial and watched it over and over, pointing out flaws in his evil plot to Cleo and MoJo, the aforementioned perfect animals. These flaws include, but are not limited to:

  1. Rip does not LOOK sincere during this commercial.  He looks slack-jawed and uninterested, and yet also manages to look cocky. 
  2. Rip's eyes CLEARLY move in a cue-card-reading fashion.  Why would you need to read cue cards for a two-sentence commercial for something you BELIEVE in.  Answer:  You wouldn't.
  3. Rip does not SOUND sincere during this commercial.  Rip sounds uninterested and cocky.  And also like he is reading from cue cards. Which is lame.  Sarah McLaughlin does not look or sound uninterested or read from cue cards during HER animal commercials.
Case closed.  I still hate Rip Hamilton, and now I am more aware of people trying to trick me into not hating people I hate.

Please, learn a lesson from this tragic event.  Be aware.  Be ever vigilant. Maintain your hatreds.

13 comments:

  1. I think Rip is awesome, but those commercials are totally awkward and insincere sounding. He needs to try smiling and pretend he actually cares about what's coming out of his mouth.

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  2. Once again, I laughed my butt off. I love you!!

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  3. Sarah -- agreed. Well, not about thinking Rip is awesome! :)

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  4. I really had to LOL at the one not being a cast of characters thingy :D You're a nut!

    Is a broken nose very typical in basketball? And, how do you not love the scene!?

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  5. BTW...Just remembered I used to have a friend in Jr High that would recreate the junk between the legs scene...IDK why he always subjected us to that sight...

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  6. Steph -- Well, broken noses happen, but that not often. Definitely not often enough to need a mask. It is all so confusing.

    That scene makes me shudder. The song that plays during that scene came on the other day, and I freaked. Jeremy was all confused, and I was like "BUFFALO BILL TUCKING HIS JUNK!"

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  7. I, like you, hate televised sports, all the odder since I am male, I must not be 'normal'. And like you, basketball is my least favorite.

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  8. He probably had to do those public service announcements as part of his punishment for eating pets.

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  9. Being married is like a huge lesson in patience because I also can't stand sports, yet they are my husband's lifeblood. It's frustrating. But I pay attention to random things about players (like his face mask) and will remember it forever and apply emotions to that team just because of the guy's mask. Ya know? Like I don't know who he plays for, but I would guess you hope his team loses solely based on his mask. It's like how I like Drew Brees name so I want the Saints to win. :)

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  10. Joe Cap - My brother is a non-sports guy too, but he just got offered a Editorial position at a newspaper IF he could become a little more sports-conscious. He went over to the dark side, and I blame the patriarchical world in which we live. Sigh.

    Sarah P. - either that or for eating babies.

    Amanda - Oh, don't I know it. There has been a LOT of compromises that were born out of my husband's insane desire to watch every sporting event ever broadcast. And I do the same thing. :)

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  11. Long time reader, first time commenter.

    Allow me to preface this comment with the fact that I am a Rip Hamilton fan. Got the jersey, remember his game winner for UConn, even been to Coatesville, PA (aka "Rip City"). Anyway..

    The guy wears a mask because he's broken his nose so many times, if he breaks it again it'll be career ending. Career ending! He had to have his septum removed a few years ago because it was blocking an ENTIRE NOSTRILS!!! Can't the man earn a living without risking his life??? I sound like the Herlihy boy, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET THE BOY PLAY BASKETBALL WITH A MASK!

    Also, for his poor performance in the commercial: you should have seen him a few years ago. Check out his Dr. Rahmani commercial on youtube. He's a terrible actor/spokesman. He must truly care for those animals if they asked him to be in their commercial anyway. Pistons fans have laughed at his performances for years. Que cards? Of course. Insincere because he's struggling just to read the cards while BREATHING WITHOUT A SEPTUM? Definitely. Without acting to fall back on, it's one more reason he needs to play basketball. And therefore be on your television screen 82 games a season.

    How else would he earn a decent living while supporting all those precious animals he adopts?

    Any crap, keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Long time reader, first time commenter.

    Allow me to preface this comment with the fact that I am a Rip Hamilton fan. Got the jersey, remember his game winner for UConn, even been to Coatesville, PA (aka "Rip City"). Anyway..

    The guy wears a mask because he's broken his nose so many times, if he breaks it again it'll be career ending. Career ending! He had to have his septum removed a few years ago because it was blocking an ENTIRE NOSTRILS!!! Can't the man earn a living without risking his life??? I sound like the Herlihy boy, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET THE BOY PLAY BASKETBALL WITH A MASK!

    Also, for his poor performance in the commercial: you should have seen him a few years ago. Check out his Dr. Rahmani commercial on youtube. He's a terrible actor/spokesman. He must truly care for those animals if they asked him to be in their commercial anyway. Pistons fans have laughed at his performances for years. Que cards? Of course. Insincere because he's struggling just to read the cards while BREATHING WITHOUT A SEPTUM? Definitely. Without acting to fall back on, it's one more reason he needs to play basketball. And therefore be on your television screen 82 games a season.

    How else would he earn a decent living while supporting all those precious animals he adopts?

    Any crap, keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete

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