I'm Onto You, Rat-Man

Does this ever happen to you?  You're living life, holding on to your firm beliefs, when all of a sudden, BAM, someone swoops in and tries to make you not hate them, even though you totally hate them and have never had any intention of not hating them but now you are left wondering what you are supposed to DO with this new information?

Let me back up.

If you are not from the frozen tundra Michigan area and/or are not interested in the NBA (Guess which one is true about me.  Come on.  I bet you can do it. Refer here if you want a clue.), you may be unfamiliar with the cast of characters involved in this little story, so I will introduce you.

Gross weirdo #1: Rip Hamilton

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*SHUDDER*  Oh Rip, you are so gross.  And you wear that damn face mask ALL the time.  

Jeremy gets mad and tells me he only wears the mask so he doesn't break his nose, and I can respect the fact that he is wearing a product that was made for the general public and was not custom-made for his creepy ass, but seriously. Nobody else wears those things 24-7 like he does.

He is so worried about his precious nose breaking that he wears it AFTER the game during his locker room interviews?  He wears it during warm up with his own teammates, who are mostly showing off for the cameras and have no intention of breaking his nose?  He wears it when goes grocery shopping at Meijer?  Okay, I may have made that last part up, but I can totally see it, and I wouldn't put it past him.

Does this thing not look creepy to anyone else?  A little like THIS?

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And that is bad, because it makes me think of THIS scene:

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And that makes me feel all vomit-y and molested, so let's move on.

My hatred for this guy seems to really be wrapped up in his face mask, but I promise you, it is so much more.  He is scrawny, uppity, and when you look in his eyes, you can see nothing but meanness, and in my book, those are enough reasons to receive my hated.

Okay, so there was only one character, which doesn't really constitute a cast of characters, but I like that phrase and it sounded good when I said it up there.

The bottom line is, I hate Rip Hamilton.  Whenever I look up accidentally during a basketball game (because I try not to do it on purpose), I hope I won't see that little rat-man, and if I do see him, I tell Jeremy to get him off the screen or I will scream.

He used to try and reason with me when I said things like this, but now he doesn't.  I think he really enjoys those little moments we share.  I know I do.

Once again, still hating Rip Hamilton.  UNTIL ... I hear someone with an annoying voice talking about how anyone who wants a little cat or dog friend should consider rescuing it from a shelter.  I melted, even though it sounded like the person was an assbutt.  Without looking up from what I was doing, I was agreeing with the person, saying (possibly out loud) "Yeah, everyone wants a perfect puppy or kitten from a breeder or pet shop, but what about all those wonderful animals out there who also need to be rescued?!  And my animals are from shelters, and they are the best animals EVER!!!!  And ..."  Then I saw who I was talking to.

Yup.  Rip freakin' Hamilton.

Confronted with information that was obviously intended to trick me into not hating Rip, I began some serious research.  By this, I mean I rewound the commercial and watched it over and over, pointing out flaws in his evil plot to Cleo and MoJo, the aforementioned perfect animals. These flaws include, but are not limited to:

1. Rip does not LOOK sincere during this commercial.  He looks slack-jawed and uninterested, and yet also manages to look cocky. 
2. Rip's eyes CLEARLY move in a cue-card-reading fashion.  Why would you need to read cue cards for a two-sentence commercial for something you BELIEVE in.  Answer:  You wouldn't.
3. Rip does not SOUND sincere during this commercial.  Rip sounds uninterested and cocky.  And also like he is reading from cue cards. Which is lame.  Sarah McLaughlin does not look or sound uninterested or read from cue cards during HER animal commercials.

Case closed.  I still hate Rip Hamilton, and now I am more aware of people trying to trick me into not hating people I hate.

Please, learn a lesson from this tragic event.  Be aware.  Be ever vigilant. Maintain your hatreds.

I Can Still Do the Splits, Too

I really shocked myself today.  Driving home from work after teaching two classes, I realized I had just been EXTREMELY flexible.  And about HUGE things.  Like final exams and term papers.

I had to take a look in the rearview mirror to make sure I was still me and not someone else.

I am not entirely INflexible.  But there are just some things that I will not budge on.  Some have even been known to call me stubborn once or twice. 

Just once or twice.

So, I was pretty proud of myself today, to say the least.  I have been working on being less stubborn, and teaching has really helped me learn to go with the flow and avoid those pesky nervous breakdowns when things go awry. 

However ... there are some things I never see myself being flexible on.  And I don't really care to be.  Therefore, I still reserve the right to be angry, flustered, or otherwise enraged by the following:

1.  Sportscenter.  Or, as I call it, the "loud yelly channel."  Seriously, those assbutts are always shouting and fighting and yapping, and it just makes me want to pull my hair out! 

2.  99.9% of sports color commentators.  Talk about ... hmm.  I can't think of a non-offensive word to replace the one I was thinking of.  They have nothing to say, but they keep talking anyway.  And I think there must be some sort of voice requirement to get that job -- your voice has to be equivalent to nails on a chalkboard.  If you have a lovely, mellifluous voice, no go.  I have gotten so sensitive to that rubbish that if Jeremy springs it on me, I instinctually crouch and hiss like a Twilight vampire.  Oddly, he does not find this attractive.

3.  Jerkfaces who are intent on stealing my time.  That's right.  Time theives.  They are everywhere.  I most often run across these buttheads in the grocery store.  You know, the people walking painfully slowly down the CENTER of the aisle so you can't get around them or stopping right in front of you to mentally balance their checkbooks instead of GETTING TO ONE SIDE AND TAKING THINGS OFF THE SHELVES AND PUTTING THEM IN THEIR CARTS AND GETTING ON WITH THEIR LIVES.  Seriously, just because YOU clearly have nowhere to go and nothing but free time on your hands does not mean that I have nothing to do and nowhere to go.  In fact, I am always on a mission.  I want to get in, get out, and move along in the most efficient method possible.  I do not dilly-dally or stroll.  I GO.

4.  Jerkfaces who are intent on stealing my time AND trying to kill me with their cars.  This is a two-pronged intolerance:  If you either a) feel the need to go 15-20 miles UNDER the speed limit or b) insist on ignoring everthing else on the road and trying to swerve into other cars, then I HATE YOU.  Especially if you combine those traits.  It is astonishing how many people just wander through life without noticing there are others around them who are affected by their choices.  Or just want to text and drive at the same time.  Sigh.

So ... cheers to my flexibility and tolerance!

Lack of Desire

I just handed Jeremy the remote, and he promptly chose to watch Tremors. This is a perfect illustration of the way that Jeremy and I are the least compatible ... our viewing desires.

• Jeremy watches Sportscenter in the morning ... I watch DVRed episodes of Beautiful People or The Office.
• After dinner, I would love to watch any number of medical documentaries, reality shows, or a crime drama like Law & Order, and Jeremy feels that life is not worth living if he cannot watch every single sporting event broadcast in our area.
• Jeremy's idea of a perfect movie night is watching Escape from New York or The Warriors, and I have a sinking suspicion that I will never be able to watch Never Been Kissed or A Chorus Line again unless Jeremy is out of state.

Thank goodness we are compatible in most every other way, because this TV/movie thing can really be a nightmare. Jeremy actually leaves the room if I flip the channel to Jon and Kate + 8 or Bridezillas, and these shows help me unwind. Watching Reality TV is like a brain massage for my stressed out mind. Interestingly, however, I have managed to bring him over to the dark side, even if it is just a tiny bit. Believe it or not, he watches Charm School!! And we LOVED all of the Flavor of Love seasons! It just took a few snarky comments from airheads for him to see the full glory of watching crap.
Bring back Flav!!