Saturday, March 27, 2010

A Guest Post By My Husband -- Buzz Aldrin: Astronaut to Astro-NOT

So, my husband read my Dancing with the Stars post and could not keep his emotions to himself.  I guess I am not the only one in the house who likes to rant!  And if you know him, you totally already know that he came up with the title too.  Since I can't keep my nose out of anything, my comments are in PINK.

Take it away, Jeremy:

***DISCLAIMER:  I do not know Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, nor have I ever met the man, know his financial situation, or his degree of sluttyness for media attention.*** (Never put a disclaimer on your rants, Jeremy.  It makes you look WEAK.)

Some things about Buzz Aldrin.  #1 through the moon landing make him look like a GRADE-A BADASS.  However, the last few should have clued me into the fact that he would eventually make an ass of himself.

1)  He turned down a full ride to MIT to go to the military academy at West Point -- Bad Ass

2)  After graduating with a degree in Mechanical Engineering he flew 66 combat missions in the Korean War.  During the war he shot down TWO Russian MiG 15's in his F-86 Sabre -- Bad Ass  (Jeremy, you know I think war is mean.)  

3) After the war he got his doctorate in Aeronautics from MIT, then became a test pilot and was eventually selected to be an f-ing Astronaut -- Bad Ass

4)  He was the lunar module pilot on Apollo 11.  This means he actually flew the ship that landed on the moon down to the surface and piloted it back up to rejoin with the orbiting craft to go back to earth.  If this sounds like it would be hard to do, it was; in fact, it was extremely difficult even for the most highly trained pilots in the WORLD, and Buzz did it PERFECTLY.  (You're starting to talk like you were there ... I am feeling feelings of worry for your mental health.)

5)  Because of the position of the seats in the landing craft, Armstrong is first out and Aldrin follows.  He was SECOND on the moon -- TOTALLY BADASS  "2nd comes right after first,"  as Buzz would say in the Simpson's episode "Deep Space Homer"  (Or, "Second place is the first loser," as my No Fear shirts explained to people in junior high.)

I am sure being second has given him some kind of complex which probably resulted in the downward spiral to come.  There was a special on around the time of the 40th anniversary of the moon landing last summer that focused on the fact that NASA was leery of letting Aldrin be first on the moon because they thought he was a potential media slut and that Armstrong would handle the spotlight more gracefully and in a way that would add to the prestige and dignity of NASA -- they would prove to be right.

6) Since the History Channel came into existence, he has been on EVERY History Channel special about the moon landing or the space program as a whole.  This suggests to me that he is desperate for attention.  (And yet you have WATCHED every special.  Do you want to know what this suggests to me?  Do you?)  Apparently the title of "Second man on the Moon" does not pay that well and Buzzy has gosta make some bank.  (Good use of the word "gosta")

7)  In 2009 Buzz put out a song/video called "Rocket Experience" with Snoop Dogg, Quincy Jones, Talib Kweli, and Soulja Boy.  I could not make this up if I tried.

8) Today: Dancing with the Stars

So it turns out that NASA was right in not letting Aldrin be the first on the moon.  He turned out to be a media slut after all and handled the spotlight of being a celebrity in the worst possible ways:  Rap videos and reality show appearances.

It is just potentially frightening to me that Buzz Aldrin, THE SECOND MAN TO STEP ON THE F-ING MOON, could be remembered not as a pioneer for the ENTIRE human species, but as an old, crappy dancer.  It just seems below him, below the dignity of an astronaut, and below the dignity of the guy who did things 1-5 on the list above.

The equivalent of this would be like seeing Magellan accidentally spill a large bowl of chocolate pudding down his pants, then bend over to pick up the fallen bowl, have his pants split and the chocolate pudding drip out through the rip in his pants.  (Ummm ... ?)  Sure, this doesn't erase the fact that he was the first person to circumnavigate the globe (nerd alert!!), but every time you saw or read about Magellan after the pudding/pants incident (as this sequence of events would almost certainly become known) you would think about him making an ass of himself.  His legacy is not gone, just soiled.  So it goes for Buzz Aldrin.  He is still the second man on the moon, but now he will forever be known as that old man from Dancing with the Stars who was counting the whole time ...

Buzz, go out with quiet dignity, being remembered as a part of the first team of humans to ever explore another place other than earth.  Go out with people remembering your extraordinary accomplishments, go out being remembered as a representative of humanity, not for your bad dancing ... and rapping.  Apparently the phrase "quiet dignity" was trampled by Buzz's dancing shoes.

Granted, everybody's gotta eat, but is the money from Dancing with the Stars (ABC is really throwing around that word pretty loosely) worth trampling your legacy, Buzz?  Say it ain't so!  He went from Grade-A Badass to easy fodder for an old person joke.  Isn't being second man to ever walk on the moon a better life accomplishment than about 95% of everyone's accomplishments in the history of the world!?  (This is getting REALLY long.)  Could winning Dancing with the Stars really help him look back on his life and say "Shit, walking on the moon was alright, but being on Dancing with the Stars, now that was the highlight of my life."  This is probably why Merriweather Lewis killed himself: he could not do anything more bad ass than being the first Americans to see the Pacific.  (Yikes.  Downer.)  Not that I am advocating Buzz Aldrin kill himself, just live it out in quiet dignity.

Why do I care so much about this?  (EXCELLENT question.)

Now you see why I love my husband.  And fear for his blood pressure.

All joking aside, I totally agree with him.  And I, of all people, OF COURSE can relate to him getting fired up about things that others might not care about.  It's probably why we got married. 


  1. I've never watched Dancing With the Stars, so I never understand the gossip. kind of makes me sad.

    BUT, did you know we're brain twins?! My husband totes guest-blogged for me today, too. Well, last night, but I didn't post until today because I fell asleep while he was typing. I wouldn't let him publish without me editing first.

    Anyway, it's brilliant, right?! DAY

  2. What about Buzz Aldrin stone cold clocking a moon-landing conspiracy nut that called him a coward and a liar? Here's the video of it; it's a hell of a punch!

  3. Oh man, excellent guest post! I actually hadnt' realized quite how badass Buzz Aldrin was. (Eschewing MIT for West Point? BADASS!) Mad propz to your husband for a stellar post. I'm going to ignore Dancing With The Stars, and let this post stand as a final record Buzz Aldrin's triumphs!

    I mean, unless he like sets up shop on Mars or something...

  4. I've never heard a man get so excited about DWTS. Although my brother-in-law (physics nerd) actually said he would be so excited to meet Buzz that he would literally pee in his pants. True story.

    Your hub totally has apoint though -- rap vids and reality tv? ouch.

  5. I've never heard a man get so excited about DWTS. Although my brother-in-law (physics nerd) actually said he would be so excited to meet Buzz that he would literally pee in his pants. True story.

    Your hub totally has apoint though -- rap vids and reality tv? ouch.


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