Super-Important Life Lessons that You Need to Read and Memorize IMMEDIATELY

So, last week I had a little adventure.  And that little adventure ended up costing me approximately $3.2 billion.  Or something.  So, my little Chickadees, I thought I would save YOU the time, money, and embarrassment of a similar situation by raining some important life lessons down on you.  Ready? 

LESSON 1:  If you feel like speeding down a quiet, deserted country road late at night -- the kind that is all smooth and straight and flat and car-free and glorious and makes you want to roll down the windows, turn up the music and speed -- DON'T.  Just DON'T.  The Sheriff in those parts is likely bored and hiding in a bush somewhere.

LESSON 2:  If you ARE speeding down a quiet, flat deserted country road late at night after a 12-hour work day and you exhibit such suspicious behaviors such as immediately pulling over your Ford Focus (with the ASPCA sticker on it), putting on your flashers, and putting your hands on the steering wheel, you are sending a secret message to the Sheriff.  That message is: You are dangerous.  

LESSON 3:  Therefore, said Sheriff will NOT come to the driver's side window like a normal cop.  Instead, he will creep up on the passenger side and then pop up like a jack-in-the box.  When he does this, do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT allow yourself to be scared and say something stupid like "OH MY GOD, YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME ... I mean, hello officer.  How are you this fine evening?"  This, combined with the English textbooks in your backseat and the ungraded student papers in the front seat will cause Sheriff #1 to signal his friend, Sheriff #2.

LESSON 3:  Here's where it gets tricky.  You should have NOTICED that signal, and that way you would be able to anticipate that Sheriff #2 was about to show up and lean in your open driver's side window and get two inches from your face and then snap on a flashlight.  In this case, PLEASE also avoid being startled.  This will only further convince them that you are drunk, a meth lord, a human smuggler, or a serial killer.  This will lead to many questions and flashlights in your face and other scare tactics that are very effective on pregnant English professors.  DO NOT CRY.

LESSON 4:  It turns out, you have to renew the registration on your plates every year.  No, like EVERY year.  Even if ... stay with me ... the Secretary of State sends your renewal forms to your OLD address (you know, the apartment complex where the new residents are likely to see the envelope and be all "not my problem" and throw it away) and NOT the address on your driver's license.  No one cares if this happens to you.  YOU are still the idiot because you didn't notice that you hadn't gotten that form yet this year.

LESSON 5:  In this type of situation, once you have given Sheriff #1 and Sheriff #2 your license, registration, and proof of insurance, they will make you wait in your car for TWENTY TWO MINUTES until they come back.  Get ready to see those flashing lights in your mirrors for long enough to drive you insane.

LESSON 6:  When Sheriff #1 comes back and tells you that your insurance is also expired, don't enact the following conversation:
S #1:  Okay, your insurance is also expired.

You:  No, it's not.

S #1:  Yes, it is.

You:  NO, seriously, it's NOT.  

S #1:  Ma'am, look at the date on this piece of paper.

You:  Hmm.  Irrelevant.  My husband just put a new one in my car like 3 weeks ago, so it's here somewhere.  I thought he replaced the old one with the new one ... ?

S #1:  Ma'am.  I have no idea what your husband did with the paper that YOU are supposed to be in charge of when you are in a moving vehicle.

You:  Ha.  Ha ha ha.  Of course.  Sorry officer.  But I swear, I HAVE insurance.  We can call them.  Will that work?

S #1:  Ma'am ... sigh ... how about I just give you this ticket and then you can leave?

You:  Okay, sounds great. But I totally have up-to-date insurance.  Just so you know.

S #1:  Well, that's great, because usually in a situation like this, we tow the car away.  But I think I should just give you this ticket and let you go home instead.

You:  Sounds fantastic.

S #1:  Sigh.

SUB-LESSSON (6.b.):  If you are prone to ignoring your dear husband when he gives you important documents, like your proof of insurance, he will instead start putting said documents in your car FOR you.  However, he might NOT put them in the handy little marked book in your driver's side visor that says "REGISTRATION AND INSURANCE."  No, he will put it somewhere else. Somewhere where you will never think to look.  And then a Sheriff will threaten to tow your car.  So, pay attention to your dear husband when he tries to give you important documents.

And finally, LESSON 7:  The Secretary of State is NO PLACE for a pregnant woman who was recently told by her doctor to get more rest and stay calm if this woman also cannot tolerate foolishness.  I'll leave it at that.

THE END.