My Uterus is Empty. Thanks for Asking.

The last few days have been an avalanche of people reminding me that I don't have babies yet.  How helpful of all of them!   Because I had almost forgotten that I was still 27 and childless!!

My officemate asked me how I was doing today, and I said "meh."  She asked me what was wrong, and I said, "Oh, I am just really tired and blah.  I feel weird."  She immediately gasped and said "YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!"  I assured her I wasn't.  She was just being nice, because she knows I want a baby, but it was like she punched me in the stomach.

Facebook selected roughly 78,000 ads asking me if I was a mother or mother-to-be.  No, but thanks for asking.  No, I do not want to buy cloth diapers, adorable onesies, or receive coupons for organic baby food.  But again, thanks for asking.

I had the TV on in the background while I was grading papers and I happened to catch the episode of Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami (or whatever that show is called) where Kourtney Kardashian finds out she is pregnant and has to decide whether or not to keep the baby.  They showed the ultrasound.  I cried.

Someone was making fun of one of my friends on Facebook for eating his pasty with gravy AND ketchup and said he must be pregnant.  I seconded the notion.  So he replied by saying "speaking of babies, Veronica ..."

A friend of a friend recently found out she was pregnant and started a blog about her pregnancy.  I immediately chose a name for my future blog (but I obviously won't print it here, for fear that someone will steal it for their own fetus) and ALMOST actually registered for it.  For a baby that is NOT currently growing in my uterus.

Top 5 Reasons I Know I am Getting Old

It has recently come to my attention that I am, sadly, old beyond my years.  People who are older than me usually just laugh at me and tell me to wait a few more years.  However, I don't know many people my own age who can say the following five things.  Or, maybe there are plenty of you.  Let me know if I am not alone. :)

Well, on to the list, in Letterman style ...

Number 5:  Even though I often struggle with insomnia, I find myself falling asleep everywhere else at inopportune times.  Like on the couch while watching a show I have been dying to see all week.  Or during the last ten minutes of a movie that I have been thoroughly enjoying. 

Number 4:  I get mad at noisy children, tweens and teens.  I have even been known to utter the phrase "when I was a kid, we were only allowed to scream if we were dying."  Seriously.  I say this out loud.  And I have said it more than once.  Which leads me to ...

Number 3:  I start sentences with "when I was a kid."

Number 2:  Sometimes I make strange and labored old-people noises.  As if it is really such a task to get up off the floor or lift a heavy basket of laundry.  To be fair to myself, I only let them slip after long days when I am whipped.  But to be fair to others, I should admit that 27 is much too young to be straining to do things my body should easily be able to do.  If this is my level of functioning now, what will it be when I hit 40?  Lordy ...

And the Number 1 Reason that I am an old lady is ... I LOVE listening to NPR.  It is all I listen to when I drive now.  And I find myself nodding, tilting my head to the side, or making "hmmm" noises when I hear something thought-provoking.  I will even hear something and IMMEDIATELY need to call Jeremy to share, discuss, or debate (not that we often disagree on things political.  I LOVE that!). 

So, those of you who doubted me before reading?  I am sure you are now convinced.  It is a sad state to be in, but things could always be worse!

Fearful Friday Edition: 3 Things that Terrify Me

Yes, I am actually going to publish a list of things that terrify me, complete with photographic evidence of their scariness. You might be wondering, dear readers, if this actually qualifies as an interesting blog post. My answer to you is: I am queen of this here blog, etc., etc. The end. Okay, on to number one ...

1. Snakes

Evil, awful, sneaky snakes. {source}

They slither and hiss and bite.

People might tell you that snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them ... this is bunk. A total fallacy. Snakes WANT to bite you, and they will, given the chance. And if you are bitten by a snake? My apologies, friend. Especially if it happens to be one of the super-bad-super-poisonous ones. Because if that happens and that crazy Snake Doctor from Animal Planet is not around ... sayonara my friend.

You want proof that a snake not only WILL bite you in the face, but WANTS to? Here you go:

{source}

This picture was on a website called "funnyhub." Seriously. Someone thinks THIS is funny. *shudder*

On the way to work yesterday, I was listening to an interview on NPR in which someone in Canada was lamenting the fact that people in his neighborhood were killing Black Rat snakes. He said they weren't poisonous, so people should live and let live. While I was hyperventilating a little at the thought of snakes, I was kind of agreeing with him. THEN he mentioned (in a very off-handed manner) that these beasts happen to be an average of SIX FEET LONG, are constrictors, and have been KILLING PEOPLE'S PETS AND LIVESTOCK. SIX FEET LONG?!?!!?!!?? I almost skidded off the road and died.

2. Centipedes


II think the key to the terror of the centipede is the fact that it looks so prehistoric. Plus, all the little legs. I bet they use all those little legs to scoot around super fast and scary-like. Oh yeah, and the feeler thingies. When they wiggle them at you ...

I am willing to admit that I have come across these horrifying beasts in my own home. No, I am not a negligent housekeeper.  Apparently my basement is just an ideal home for these creepers.
{source}

3. Spiders

Yeah, I know, very original. But seriously, look at this:

Terror on eight legs. This also happens to be a wolf spider, the very same assbutt jerk arachnid that I stepped on at the tender age of eight and my entire foot swelled up like a football for a week. My high arches disappeared and I was flat footed. It itched so badly I considered cutting off my foot.

{source}

Ever since then, it seems like they follow me. The other day, I had three run-ins in a half-hour time span. One greeted me in the shower, then when I closed the bedroom door after saying god-bye to Jeremy, one dangled down on a string and stopped a millimeter from my nose. And it STARED at me. So I ran. Then I got into my car, looked out the window to see if I could safely pull out of my driveway, and one was ON THE WINDOW, looking ready to pounce.

Clearly, they follow me, with the intention to BITE. Oh, and did I mention that that VERY day I had ALSO woken up with a spider bite on my arm? Evidence.

Face the facts people: spiders want you to die, and if you are not vigilant, one day they will win.

Well, while I have other fears, most of them do not have accompanying photographic evidence, so I will leave the list at three. Feel free to leave a comment to vent about your own paralyzing fears.

Urge ... to kill ... rising ...

Well. Our fall semester just started yesterday, and I was geeked to be teaching two new classes -- Language and Culture and Foundations of Mass Communications. I labored over syllabi, and this morning I taught the first session of Language and Culture.

All was going well until one of my students piped up and said that the first article I assigned was not in her textbook. Long story short: I WAS GIVEN THE WRONG TEXTBOOK.

It was only a new edition, but apparently they cut out a whole chunk that I based my first huge assignment on and my students were supposed to have read for Thursday, and as I skimmed through the table of contents, I quickly noticed that only about FOUR of the articles I had on my syllabus were still in the new edition.

So, I acted very un-flustered and told my class I would have the pages for that night's homework scanned and posted on-line and that I would have an entirely new syllabus ready for them on Thursday.

Why am I blogging about this instead of creating said syllabus or preparing for the class I teach in an hour and a half? Because I am so livid I am afraid I will punch the next person I see, and I think writing about it might (might) quell that urge.

So I'll let you know in a few hours, my loyal (millions of) readers, if this experiment worked or I will be incarcerated pending trial.

Random Cuteness Sightings

I went to Meijer early this morning to make a quick grocery run (btw -- I am now ALWAYS grocery shopping before 10 AM on Sundays. It was practically empty. Pure bliss!) and saw two hilarious and adorable children who really made my day.

On my way out of the store, I passed by a Dad letting his little girl (I would say three years old, tops) ride the penny horse. She apparently was so thrilled with this situation that she had the biggest smile on her face I have ever seen. But it was one of the closed lips, sparkling eyes, ready to burst with happiness smiles. I melted.

Then, mere moments later, as I was loading the groceries into my car, I saw a dad with two little girl munchkins (probably three and four years old) trotting behind him. All of a sudden, the younger of the blonde cuties shrieked "UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!" and lifted her dress to her chin. Both of the girls collapsed into giggles, and the dad didn't even turn around and muttered "Oh God ..." It must be a common occurrence in their household.