PACIFIER HELP NEEDED

Okay, moms -- I need help!  Josephine started sucking on her hands and finger a LOT, and I wanted to replace that with a pacifier.  Thankfully, she recently realized that sucking on a pacifier is soothing and lets her actually go three hours between feedings (HALLELUJAH!), but ... well, let's just say she doesn't fully understand the concept of "sucking."  This has also made breast and bottle feeding EXCRUCIATING.  She pushes out with her tongue when sucking, so when I put the pacifier in her mouth, she pushes it out on the first suck.  Since she is obviously not old enough to hold the pacifier in her mouth or to pick it up and put it back in when it falls out, the only way for her to use the pacifier is for me to hold it in her mouth for her, and let me tell you, while it is great that she is calm instead of crying, it does not make my life much easier in terms of actually being able to DO anything, since I have no free hands.

Here's the question:  WHAT THE EFF DO I DO?  I have tried both the "orthodontic" shaped pacifiers and the "hospital soothers."  She likes the orthodontic shape much better, but she cannot keep either in her mouth.  I was told you cannot put duct tape on your child's face to keep the pacifier in place.  Heh.  So what do I do?  Help, please!!  

To make up for such a lame-balls post, I have a teaser for what is coming up when I have two free hands to type with:  Evidence that I have at least ONE enemy who is out to get me.  GUH!!

A Small Offering

I want to blog SUPER-DUPER bad right now, but I can't, for undisclosed reasons (hint: it has to do with a too-cute two-month-old child who I cannot bear to put down because she "doesn't like it."  Still waiting for a shower today.  Heh.).


And I have a post all written in my head, and I want to type it up, but I can't, plus I need to take a picture of something and write all over it in Paint, but my camera battery died yesterday WHILE THE BABY WAS BEING HELD BY HER GRANDPARENTS (!) because I am a total failure of an unprepared mother, and I am staring, panicked, at the light on the charger, hoping it finishes charging before we take Josephine to the apple orchard/pumpkin patch tonight, because if I don't get picture of THAT, I am pretty sure they will take my child away, and I CAN'T RISK IT!  


So, anyway, that was all totally unnecessary and took me like an hour to type with my one free hand, but what I really wanted to say was, "Real blog post later.  For now -- bizarre and funny video I saw on The Soup" (tangent: I asked Joel McHale to be Josephine's godfather.  Still waiting to hear back.):


Please, do enjoy!

Wanted: New Spider-Disposer-Type Person

If you also live in an old house (especially if it has not been cared for for over 100 years -- reminder: we rent, so we are not the neglectful owners in question), you know the extent of the spider problem.  I swear, we could start an arachnid museum up in here.


I am pretty terrified of spiders (if you don't understand why, please click HERE), but ever since the baby has arrived, I have been hyper-vigilant about those little blood suckers.  And let me tell you, I COULD kill all those little bitch spiders every time I spot one (or, rather, get Jeremy to kill them), but I am KIND-HEARTED, so I just scream and scream and hyperventilate and point at the spider and scream until Jeremy scoops it up, unharmed, and removes it from our residence.  


So, that is how g-d nice I am.


Until recently, when I found ...

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EGG SACS!!!!  In my basement!  Right by the washer and dryer!  Where I wash my BABY'S CLOTHES!!  Not one.  Not two.  THREE egg sacs, all full of thousands -- nay, MILLIONS -- of little baby spiders, just waiting to erupt in a fireworks display of evil.  (See below):

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Of course, I immediately alerted my husband.

Veronica:  [dragging Jeremy to basement]  Have you SEEN this?

Jeremy:  The window?

Veronica:  No, what is between the window and the storm window.

Jeremy:  Hmm, not seeing anything that would necessitate me being dragged to the basement.

Veronica:  Well, that explains why our house is rampant with killer spiders!  SOMEONE is not taking his job very seriously.  Spiders sacs, Jeremy!

Jeremy:  Oh.

Veronica:  OH?  That's all you have to say??  Do you realize those things are going to burst forth with thousands of SPIDERS that will BITE your BABY?!?!

Jeremy:  Well, I'm pretty sure there are thousands of eggs, but that's just because not all of them will survive.

Veronica:  Don't you try to use your knowledge of science against me.  Besides, if even ONE survives, it will crawl up in the dark of night and bite your baby's FACE!  Are you prepared to wake up in the morning and see a massive spider bite on your sweet girl's face, all because you wouldn't get rid of those damn egg sacs?  Are you?  ARE you?

Jeremy:  But Veronica ... think about Charlotte's Web.  Are YOU prepared to tell your daughter that you ordered the death of Charlotte's BABIES?

Veronica:  *death stare*  You son of a bitch ...

Yeah, the egg sacs remain.

The Most Interesting Facts You Will Read Today

Now that I've drawn you in with that tantalizing title, I suppose it's only fair to tell you the truth: I am just going to tell you what's going on in my not-so-fascinating and baby-centered life. But guess what? That is all you're getting, so you will read it, and you will LIKE it.


Fact #1: I know you are DYING for an update on my boobs, so I don't want to drag it out and make you wait any longer. Let me tell you how I honestly feel about breastfeeding. From the bottom of my heart? It is the hardest, most infuriating thing I have ever been through in my entire life. Remember how I figured out it was my breasts being "overly enthusiastic" about making milk that was destroying my daughter's innards?  


Well, ever since then I have been trying to force my boobs to make the correct amount of milk. For the first three days of following La Leche League's directions for slowing down my milk, NOTHING was changing. There was still too much milk, a lot of screaming and crying, and LOTS of crummy tummy. Then, all of a sudden, I went from one feeding with way too much milk to the next feeding with NO MILK, like, AT ALL. There was a lot more screaming and crying than usual (from both parties involved). So I tried to make a bottle, but I had no idea if I should give her the milk I had pumped and stored, because that was probably all foremilk too, right?  I tried to give her formula, but for some reason, every single one of our awesome "breast-like" bottles flipped out and the milk was POURING out of of the nipples like we were shoving a garden hose in her mouth, so she was choking and gagging and screaming and clawing at my face, and I was sobbing and shouting "WHAT DO WE DO???!?!?!?!" at Jeremy.


Needless to say, I then had to try to convince my breasts to make MORE milk. And ever since then, it has been a precarious balance trying to keep my supply at *just* the right amount. I mean, do normal people have to deal with this? Every single day I have too much or too little milk at one feeding and then have to scramble to fix it. All this is really draining me, and I feel like such a complete FAILURE. I feel like the one thing my body is supposed to be able to do to provide for my daughter is malfunctioning, and all the bonding and happiness I am supposed to be enjoying with my baby has been stolen from me. Everyone told me to stick it out for the first three weeks and then it will get better and easier. Well, it has been nine weeks, and I am still struggling in a bad way. Every single day I just want to give up, and then I feel like a horrible mother. GUH!! Boobs, why you gotta play me like this??


Fact #2: Last night when I was driving home from teaching my night class, I was feeling like a really bad mom. I felt like I hadn't done my best in mothering Josephine that day, specifically because when I was brushing her hair after her bath, she cried and made the saddest face I have ever seen, like she was just giving up because she was so destroyed by what I was doing to her. And I FINISHED BRUSHING HER HAIR, even though she was making a sad face. Plus, I was trying to enter my students' grades online and was holding her (Yeah, this is how I work now. You would think I could just ... oh, I don't know, PUT HER DOWN. But you'd be wrong. Oh, you'd be SO wrong):

... and she started fussing a little. Instead of stopping what I was doing and soothing her, I just bounced her in my arm a little so I could spend 30 seconds to finish what I was doing first. And as I was driving home at 10 PM, all I could imagine was her sad little face, and my boobs were leaking like MAD because I don't have an office anymore so I don't have a place to pump for the six hours I am gone on Tuesday nights, and the more I cried and imagined her face, the more I leaked, and the more I leaked, the more I cried. Then ... flashing lights. Yup, I was speeding, and the cop was not swayed by my sobbing about how I needed to get home to my baby. So I got a speeding ticket that essentially STOLE MONEY from my daughter because I have to pay the county money that I could be spending on her. It was kind of a bad night.

Fact #3: Okay, this is turning out to be the world's saddest post, so here is an ADORABLE fact: Josephine is going to be a MONKEY for Halloween. A MONKEY! Can you believe it? Can you think of anything cuter than my baby girl is this costume my mom just ordered for her?

I cannot.


Fact #4: My daughter would probably get a lot more restful and sustained sleep if I could just STOP KISSING HER. I mean, she's just snuggled up to me, looking all cute and sweet, and I just have to lean over and kiss her. How can I not? And 90% of the time, that wakes her up, and she looks up at me with her sleepy little eyes as if to say, "Seriously, mom? Can you let me sleep for more than five minutes without waking me up with a stinkin' kiss?" Oh my gosh, I just kissed her little forehead like five times while I typed this paragraph. 


So, what have we learned here? I am going kind of crazy, but my daughter is AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL. 

"Yeah.  I'm number one!"

Still Waiting.

Parinita over at Improper Conduct turned me on to this, and it is the best thing I have seen in a long, long time.  I laughed, I cried, I laughed, I cried.  I cried.  I imagined a kinder, happier, more equitable planet.  



If you watched ... thank you.