Holiday Giving Guide: "Child at Heart" Edition

I am a S-L-O-W holiday shopper, and I look around for ages and ages to find presents for my loved ones.  During that extended shopping time, I always find oodles of fun stuff that *I* might not be buying, but I feel that someone else REALLY should be purchasing.

Most of the time, those gifts are of a fun variety because it's possible that my husband and I are a bit ... how shall I put this?  Interested in many of the same things we were interested in when we were children.  You think there's something wrong with that?  Chances are, you live a very boring life.  But hey, I would probably still be your friend.  I'm just THAT kind.

Anywhoo, this edition of my shopping guide is for the young-at-heart amongst you.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Glass Tumbler Set, $24.99

If you don't love you some TMNT, then you either were born LONG ago or like, yesterday.  Either that, or you are cold-hearted.  Or don't own a TV.  I am not making a very strong case here.  What I meant was, EVERYONE loves the Turtles, and these heroes in a halfshell glasses could really sass up your fine china.

Buddha Butter Dish, $19.99

Okay, I have to admit:  I like this butter dish mostly because it reminds me of the moment on The Office when Michael thinks he is making a hilarious joke when he asks Pam to "Buddha" his bread for him.  But the more I look at this thing, the more I love it.  Perfect if your kitchen needs more humor.  Or butter.  Or both.

Henry VIII Heat-Sensitive Mug, $11.99

So this one is actually pretty nerdy, but so I am.  Heh heh.  Henry VIII and his gluttony for wives.  Now THAT'S funny.  To history majors ...

Stormtrooper Lamp and Alarm Clock, $49.99
Also available in Darth Vader and Boba Fett

This one goes out to my husband.  This is what I am sure he would have wanted next to his bed when he was a young lad.  And he might want it there now, but I JUST GOT HIM A NEW ALARM CLOCK AND HE WILL LOVE IT FOREVER AND NEVER NEED ANOTHER ONE.

Zombie Magnetic Poetry Kit, $11.99

Is your current refrigerator magnetic poetry kit too romantic?  Is it too mundane?  Does it stifle the horror writer inside you that is bubbling to the surface?  Well, then look no further.  Every morning can start with poetry inspired by devouring brains and whatnot.

Cheeseburger Phone, $19.99

You don't have to be a Juno fan to love this phone.  A cheeseburger you put up to your ear.  Priceless.

Ninjabread Men Cookie Cutters, $7.99

I don't mean to be a jerk, but I always thought regular old gingerbread men and women were pretty lame-balls.  If you want some NON-boring cookies, I would highly suggest the ninjabread men, who, of course can also be used with sugar cookies, shortbread, etc.  Add a little ninja to your life!

LEGO Storage Bins, $27 (medium) $41 (large) $32 (head)

Never got over your love of LEGOs?  Also think they make a stylish statement?  Decorate your home with them!  Or, hide them under your bed and then smile every time you pull out your little secret.

Mustache Jumbo Magnet, $10.99

Is your fridge missing a mustache?  Yes.  Yes it is.

Happy shopping!  Only 32 shopping days left!  (Do you hate me for saying that?  I take it back.  Do you love me again?  PLEASE?  Because I love YOU.)

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. VI

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.


ALSO, if you did not already know that LiLu, who makes recording her hilarious boyfriend an art, has a whole new blog dedicated to the "Funny Shiz Her Boyfriend Says" ... well, now you do.  Head on over!


SCENE:  Reading One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish to Josephine:


Jeremy:  "Some are sad. And some are glad. And some are very, very bad. Why are they sad and glad and bad? I do not know. Go ask your dad."


*PAUSE*


Jeremy:  [in a whisper] But I'm her dad!


Veronica:  Are you afraid you won't know the answer when she asks you?


Jeremy:  YES!


SCENE:  We are sitting on our bed, staring adoringly at our baby (as usual):


Jeremy:  [reaches down to touch Josephine's face]  Wow, she is warm.


Veronica:  Yeah, she gets hot easily.  I have to be really careful how I dress her.  She seems most comfortable in short sleeves, even though it is getting colder in the house.


Jeremy:  Awesome!  Think of all the money we'll save on coats!

SCENE:  We are watching TV and a lame Arby's commercial comes on.  The guy says "All I really want in life is a little bang for my buck."

Veronica and Jeremy [simultaneously]:  Oh, really?  That's ALL you want? (or something stupid like that.  We are those people who comment on commercials.  I KNOW.)

*PAUSE*

Jeremy:  All I really want in life is a dog that craps hundred dollar bills.

Veronica:  ... Jeremy ... [*half-disgusted/half-amused look*]

*LONG PAUSE*

Jeremy:  Seriously.  That would be pretty awesome.

*LONG PAUSE*

Jeremy:  No, really.  I would be feeding that dog ALL THE TIME.

Veronica:  Seriously?  This is your dream?

Jeremy:  It's not yours?

The Epic First Halloween of Josephine Isabelle

Yesterday was a big day, folks.  I spent the day attempting to get an almost-three-month-old baby to get excited about Halloween.


As you can see, it went well.

I woke her up from a nap to watch Jeremy carve her pumpkin.  Bad idea.  I took 15 pictures and this was the one where she looked the happiest.


But she helped.  A lot.  Check it:  She's so advanced in her motor skills that she was able to help scoop out pumpkin guts.

And she has such a keen eye that she insisted on checking the pumpkin for stray guts before letting Jeremy move on to carving.

She's also brave, because she requested a scary face for her first pumpkin instead of a cute one, like I suggested.


Did I say brave?  Maybe I meant tired because she got woken up again to pose for this picture.  My sister says she looks drunk.  This is actually the one where she looks the least drunk.  The missing sock really adds to her look, I think.

Then I shoved her into her monkey costume.  Look how EXCITED she is!!

Look at the exuberance!  

She might be a little embarrassed by me, in what is clearly my "super model" costume.

We capped it all off with a photo shoot outside with the spooky pumpkin.  

Take me in the house.  NOW!

But, I did get THIS picture:

Look, SHE TOTALLY LOVES HALLOWEEN!!

I hope your evening wasn't as forced!  Happy Halloween!

THE STORY! And it's SOOO good. Totally worth the wait.

Before our story can commence, I must send a resounding "thank you" to all the mothers and fathers and sitters and godmothers (etc., etc.) who hit me up here or on facebook to offer advice and kind words.  Yes, my baby girl is still fussy and still wants to be held all the time, but we continue to have tiny victories day by day.  For example, I am typing this with BOTH HANDS and looking at the baby monitor while she sleeps IN HER CRIB, where she has been for an HOUR.  Holy crapballs.  Last night she slept for three consecutive hours in her crib.  What did I do?  Stared at the video monitor the entire time.  Because I am a fool.


Moving on.


Here it is, folks!  The story I have been dying to tell for ages and ages and needed both energy and two typing hands to tell.  Oh dear ... now I realize I've built it up way too much.  No matter.  It still involves ENEMIES and DANGER and HIGH DRAMA.  Prepare yourselves.


Okay, so it was 12:30 AM, and I was doing what I do -- sitting up in bed, rocking the baboo and staring at the clock with bleary eyes -- when I heard a huge CRASH right outside our window.  That was weird, because even though we live in one of those old city houses that is close to the street and close to our neighbors' houses so we usually hear EV-ER-Y-THING (yes, everything), it had just gotten cold enough to close the windows, so the noise was 95% gone.  The CRASH was so loud that I jumped and "eeep!"ed.  The crash was followed by the squealing tires of a car peeling away from in front of our house, and I turned around just in time to see the headlights of a car fleeing.


I headed downstairs to see what happened, figuring we had left our garbage can out and it was now road rash.  I went to the front window, and saw ... Jeremy's car ... on the street, and not in the driveway where it should be.  He had left it on the street so when I got home from work he could pull it in after me.  Obviously he had been too tired or forgotten.  


But, I seem to remember the car being parked in front of OUR house, not our neighbor to the south's house.  Hmmm, very curious.  It when then that I saw the front of his car, which was smashed to smithereens.  


PANIC.  Someone had smashed my husband's beloved Camaro convertible.  The car that represented all that was young and carefree about him.  The car he bought the DAY WE MET.  The car he loves so much he defends it up and down when I point out its bazillion flaws and beg him to buy a sensible car.  


All I could think was I am going to have to be the one to tell him his car has been violated.  I wanted the car out of our lives, but not like this, NOT LIKE THIS (standing in the middle of the street, directly under a street light, arms in the sky, head thrown back, screaming up at the moon).  


A few minutes later, the cops were in front of our house.  Our neighbor to the north had heard the noise and ran outside to find some neighbors across the street on their porch smoking.  They had seen the whole thing, and she called the cops to report it.  


GET THIS:  The witness-neighbors said they saw a green four-door sedan come flying down the street, then slam on its brakes right in front of our house, crank it into reverse, smash the car backwards 20 feet, throw it back into drive, and drive off.


Ummm ... I'm no scientist, but that doesn't sound like an accident.  The cops actually asked Jeremy if he had any enemies, and when he came back in to tell me that, I laughed and laughed and laughed, because I could never imagine Jeremy with an enemy.  He is easily the world's most likable person.  And then it hit me.  This hit was meant for ME.  


Who is the only person in our house who is likely to have enemies?  Oh, I don't know, maybe the sarcastic, bitchy, blog-writing, bad-grade-giving, grouch?  Yeah.


Jeremy was quick to point out that it was HIS car.  Well duh, but I had JUST convinced him that we should trade his car in towards a reliable and boring crossover.  You know, something we can FIT THE CARSEAT IN.  We were like two weeks away from that GLORIOUS moment.  So, number one -- my enemy knew I was about to get something wonderful in my life and they snatched it away.  


Number two -- I had JUST gotten the use of my car back, after it had died for the ten-millionth time and taken a week to get fixed.  I had only driven it to work and was looking forward to the next day when I could, oh, I don't know, actually LEAVE THE HOUSE DURING THE DAY for the first time in over a week.  But no, my enemy knew of this and wanted me to be trapped in my house with a crying baby who is easily soothed by riding in a car.  


Number three -- remember my suspicions that someone cut my brakes this summer?  (Okay, I just spent ten minutes looking for that post so I could link back to it, but I couldn't find it, so either I am overtired or I never wrote about it, but trust me, it totally happened.)  Well, obviously they started there, and their evil plan was foiled when my friend was nice enough to drive me to work and Bob at The Auto Surgeon fixed my car in one day.  It all fits.  


Okay, so I have a confirmed enemy.  One who is willing to injure things loved by ... well, not me, but my husband.  NOW WHAT??


I guess all I can do is fall back on my old friend anxiety and practice CONSTANT VIGILANCE.  And if you drive a green four-door sedan?  Sorry.  I'll be attacking first and asking questions later.  And if my enemy is a student who thinks if I am trapped at home then I won't be able to show up and grade their papers?  Oh, I'll always find a way.  ALWAYS.  


Please send binoculars and anti-anxiety medication.

Story Postponed; Baby Stuff Continued

My apologies to everyone who does not care about pacifiers and baby-wearing.  My double-apologies to all who were desperately awaiting the story about my verified enemy (or enemIES -- who knows).  BUT, I have gotten a lot of great feedback and questions from people about not only the pacifier situation (OMG, I just imagined "The Situation" with a pacifier in his mouth.  Ha!) but also my "unable-to-put-my-child-down-for-more-than-five-minutes" problem.

So, in response to all the suggestions and questions, I have some facts to share:

1.  I have tried ALL available types of pacifiers, I only offered each type to her once each, and I only offered them to her because she recently started frantically sucking her hands and fingers in order to soothe herself, but while sucking she would still cry and hyperventilate, like she was trying desperately to soothe herself and could not manage it.

2.  When I gave her the pacifier she liked, she INSTANTLY started sucking like gangbusters, a smile came over her face, and she actually RELAXED, which she doesn't do for too many hours a day.

3.  So, she obviously loves the thing, but her little tongue pushes the thing out, and as soon as she pushes it out, she screams and cries because it is gone.

4.  Yes, I also have a hard time breastfeeding, because it always feels like she is pushing it out of her mouth, AND it hurts like the devil is biting my nips the ENTIRE time she eats, every time she eats (but she has a deep enough latch, she is not just shallow).  

5.  As for the baby-wearing, I am ALL for it and planned on doing it from the get-go.  I tried the sling first, and she was like no way, Jose, so I got a Baby Bjorn.  She LOVES the Bjorn ... IF I am in constant motion.  Like, when I walk the dog or go to the store, she is in hog heaven and passes out, but if I have to (heaven forbid) stop moving because I have to wait in line for a prescription or go in the house to make dinner, she spazzes.  

6.  For the most part, she FUH-reaks when I put her down for more than 5 minutes, and I don't mean like slightly upset, I mean apocalypse stuff.  

7.  She is only 2 1/2 months old, so I am nowhere near letting her cry it out.  I'm just not ready.  Plus, everything I've read says it is not a good idea before 4 months.  I still want to be her source of comfort, even if that means constant back pain, no sleep, and slight brain pain.  I mean, I know a lot of people who had high-needs babies, and they started to turn a corner around 3 or 4 months, so until I get to that point, I feel like I should just wait it out for a while longer.

So, have at it, moms!  :D  I love your advice, stories, and "been-there"s.