Monday, April 5, 2010

Be Glad I Don't Live in YOUR Neighborhood

Now I totally get why old people do it.  It is better than TV.  That's right:  I am the new neighborhood spy.

I didn't set out to INTENTIONALLY be one, but the city-living set-up we have going on over here kind of forced it upon me.  It all started yesterday when it was GORGEOUS for the first time in forever when I actually had a day off, and even though I had tons of work to do, I was determined to enjoy the weather.  So, I took my computer and an ottoman out the the "3-season room," opened all the windows, and sat with the animals all day, enjoying the breeze and the sunshine while tippy-typing assignments for my students.

So, the 3-season room.  Lame.  It is actually what used to be a porch, and some idiot put up thin walls and windows, skipping the insulation, so it is way too hot in the summer and way too cold in the winter.  It is actually a "Spring room."  It is also where my husband's beloved gold couch from the 70s lives.  It is easily the most vile creation on the planet, but the cat LOVES sitting on it and staring out the window, and I use it like 5 days a year, so ... worth keeping?  Who knows.  But the porch-room is so small that I am basically on TOP of the windows.  And the front of our house is about 4 feet from the street and 4 feet from the houses on either side of us, just like every other house on the street.  So, when I sit on the porch, I am privy to EVERYBODY'S business.  And it turns out that is awesome.

I am lucky that Jeremy loves a good story, because when he came home from work yesterday, I had about 15 doozies.

Neighbor-in-beige-house got into a fight with his wife right in the middle of the street.  The fight apparently had something to do with their minivan, because they kept walking over, opening the back hatch, gesticulating wildly, closing it, walking away, then walking back, opening it, and gesticulating wildly.  The fight ended when male neighbor raised his voice and female neighbor said "I AM SO OVER THIS" and they drove away in their SUV.  Very curious.

Then, the world's skinniest man walked by our house, SHIRTLESS, while his lady, who had the world's biggest sideburns (even on a man, I swear), sauntered alongside him with her hand cupping his child-sized butt cheek. Priceless!

And, who could forget when son of neighbor-in-other-beige-house brought a new friend over to play, and when the HORRIBLE children two houses down came over to play, he said he couldn't have any more company over, while his mom peeked out the window with a big smile on her face.  ZING! (Normally I don't advocate zinging children, but these children ... I have no words to describe them.  Feral?  That's a good one.)

And, oh my god, the woman who has not come out of her house in OVER A YEAR just came outside to direct the furniture delivery guys!  I gotta go!!


  1. I feel like a spy some days too. There's always something crazy going on around here, and I leave my curtains open and sit on the couch and look out. This weather is great too because now I can have the sliding door open and hear things as well. ;)

  2. Ha, I love the "feral" children! Priceless! I've met a few like that...and now I'm hoping karma won't make my future kids hellbeasts in response to me thinking feral kids are hilarious! :)

  3. Dude, there is no greater joy to urban and suburban living than spying on the neighbors! The current biggest thrill in my life, now that the DVD drive on my computer is broken, is listening to the on-again-off-again couple across the courtyard have a bi-weekly knockdown dragout. It usually ends with the girl screaming "I HOPE YOU DIE!" while pounding her skull against the windowframe.

    Screw 3d ESPN. I want a 3d break-up channel on TV.

  4. The gold couch is TOTALLY it. How dare you question its worth/beauty.

  5. UM, why aren't you tweeting this live?!?! That would be awesome!

  6. You and I sound very similar in our extra curricular activity (Gladys Kravitz)
    I love it!
    hahahah feral children... I saw three in Publix today. The mother was evidently very important and had a phone call she had to take loudly whilst ignoring her spawn.

  7. LMAO! The BF and I do this EVERY chance we get it is too hysterical! lol And OF COURSE unintentional ;)

  8. Thanks to everyone who said they are also the neighborhood spies. It is MUCH appreciated.

    As for the feral children ... they are usually the ones who are unattended 99% of their childhood, so I am pretty sure karma can't get us on that one. I will do (some) raising.

    And Jeremy -- sorry for questioning the couch, dear husband. but maybe I should post a picture and let the PUBLIC decide ...

  9. gold couches should never been in a house. Ever. Not even if you're Candy Spelling.

    I am the neighborhood spy because I frequently walk the three mile radius around my house. I know where all the drug houses are, their hours, and what the supply. I also know which cops are their customers which explains why the never come when I call. I know where all the certified perverts are, the Mormons, the "bible bangers", the neo-nazi's and don't let me forget the lady who is a hoarder 6 blocks down and has apparently run out of room in her house and has now started on her backyard.

  10. Ha, I love the "feral" children! Priceless! I've met a few like that...and now I'm hoping karma won't make my future kids hellbeasts in response to me thinking feral kids are hilarious! :)


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