Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Sucking the Cash Out of Lonely People

Okay, hopefully most of you are aware of the sensational and creeptastic levels that people have gone to in order to replicate human interaction.  If you're not, I don't really want to be the one to explain the wild end of the spectrum to you.  If you need more info on that, please click here here and here.  Instead, I would like to introduce the world of low-tech replacements for relationships.

For your cuddling pleasure, may I introduce the BOYFRIEND PILLOW.  


Yes, that is a lady cuddling with half a torso dressed as a man.  And I am pretty sure the idea is to PRETEND it is a man.  For reals.

But don't just listen to me being all negative.  Let's look at the list of features the website lists, shall we?:


A fun and original gift idea!
Soft and comfortable body pillow
Provides secure sense of comfort
Torso and arm comfortably wrap around body
All the positives of sleeping with your boyfriend without all the negatives
Great sleeping companion for single ladies
Doesn't have legs, so it can't run away!


Yes, it doesn't have legs, so it won't run away, just like all the other men in your life, you horrible loser, now BUY A DAMN PILLOW!  Also, when I googled it, the first site I found that sold it is a medical supplies store.  Ummm?

And don't worry, lonely dudes, you have not been forgotten.  Not only do you have the GIRLFRIEND PILLOW (only $11.97!!) complete with bikini and red nail polish ...


... but you can also take comfort in the GIRLFRIEND LAP PILLOW!!

Lap Pillow
I could only find it for purchase on fancy Japanese sites, so this one will set you back 155 smackers, but if what you desire is a lap to lie upon, then it is well worth it.  Am I right?



These guys sure think so.


Then, my friend Melissa sent me the crowning jewel.  Perfect for when you need fake human comfort on-the-go.  Brace yourselves:

www.hugegram.com

I wonder if the name hug-A-gram was already taken?  It looks like huge-gram.  Moving on.

I was mostly disturbed by the claims on the website that people could "carry your love with them" and Jeremy was mostly freaked by the Mickey Mouse hands.  Either way, I find this weird and ... weird.  

If someone sent this to you in the mail, would you really open it up and be like, "Oh my gosh, a hug from Aunt Linda!  I better put it on!  OMG, I can feel the love from Aunt Linda, like she is RIGHT HERE hugging me!"  If you would, we can't be friends.  To say the least.


I guess people think that lonely people are easy targets.  When I was convinced that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, I just made my little sister sign a contract saying we would live in a house by the beach with a lot of cats.  Much less sad.

12 comments:

  1. OK. That is wrong. Just wrong.

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  2. I think this is hilarious. FINALLY I know what to get my single friends for Xmas. How awesome would the boyfriend pillow be with a vibrator?? :)

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  3. The things I would have done to those pillows as a preteen.

    Thank God they weren't around then.

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  4. the girl with the boyfriend pillow looks so scared and confused.

    and uh...you don't still...have that contract do you?

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  5. Japanese people will bang anything.

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  6. You know those Mickey Mouse hands would cop a feel every few minutes. That mouse is such a perv.

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  7. HAHA! Disturbing, yet entertaining. That guy's face cracks me up.

    -Becca

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  8. Bahahahahahahahaha! "Brace yourself."

    Hilarity.

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  9. the girl with the boyfriend pillow looks so scared and confused.

    and uh...you don't still...have that contract do you?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think this is hilarious. FINALLY I know what to get my single friends for Xmas. How awesome would the boyfriend pillow be with a vibrator?? :)

    ReplyDelete

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