Thursday, April 22, 2010

Yes, I Stopped Taking My Medication When I Got Pregnant. How Could You Tell?

It started out so innocently. A Girls Night with friends from high school. A Girls Night in which I could not drink, meaning there was a good chance I could maintain my rational thinking and dignity.  

It all took a turn for the worst when my friend Amanda, who just bought a Ford Focus, asked if my Ford Focus also had a funny little safety latch inside the trunk that included directions for a person to escape from a trunk.  

Jump from trunk and run to safety!  DO IT!

Yes, in fact, I have the safety latch and am very familiar with its location in the event that I needed to free myself from a trunk. Another friend, Ellie, started laughing.

"Why would you need THAT?" she asked, and I launched into a self-righteous safety monitor lecture. "Well, Ellie, what if you were being CARJACKED by an evil CARJACKER and placed in the trunk? What if you were being KIDNAPPED by an evil MURDERER-slash-RAPIST and being transported in your own trunk to the designated kill spot? Hmmm? What IF?"

So, Ellie, who is a nice and lovely person and did not even seem to mind that I was being an ass, was like, "We should definitely try it out in that case -- to see if you could actually get free!"

And we did.

A pregnant lady stuffing another lady in a trunk.  Pretty casual Saturday.

People were laughing, photos were being snapped furiously, and it was all well and good.  Then Ellie reported that it was VERY difficult to get out of the trunk.  

UMMM, WHAT? You were not able to hop like a bunny rabbit out of the trunk? Because that was part of my plan. Do you know what this means? I now have to re-evaluate my escape-from-a-trunk plan. Dear God. This will require weeks of research, test runs, night sweats, and vivid nightmares. But that is nothing compared to what is next.

All of my plans ... they must all be re-evaluated.  

I mean, everyone knows that the proper position for a bathroom door is OPEN and the corresponding correct position for a shower curtain is OPEN, even if you have an ugly green tub like mine. This is, of course, so a killer cannot use the shower as a hiding spot from which to spring and kill. But what have I overlooked?  

Yep, you guessed it. Even if the bathroom door is open, there might be a few inches of space behind it. What about SKINNY killers? He could easily slide his emaciated body behind my bathroom door, and then when I am all like la-dee-da, minding my own business and heading to the sink to floss, he will pounce and kill and then stand over me and ask, "Was your oral hygiene REALLY that important in the long run?" and with my last breath I will say, "You better believe it, you bastard. I got tons of compliments on my smile." Then I will smile and die and he will be like, Hmm, she really does have a great smile. I should floss more. Then he will probably steal my big screen TV. And my floss.  

Okay, I have lots of other plans too.  

Like, when I walk to my car, I always have a key in between my pointer and middle fingers, ready to STAB and then TURN like my dad taught me. More damage, he says. But ... I have never actually tested this stab-and-turn attack. And what is the best part of the body to stab?  My dad told me at the tender age of 11 that if I ever had to stab an attacker with a knife, I could disable him by stabbing in the thigh and turning the blade and he would not be able to chase me. But will a key work as well as a knife? Well, no. So how can I legally and ethically test this stabbing technique until I find the most debilitating stab location for a key? Because a pig carcass won't work, so don't even suggest it. I need a live subject so I can gauge the pain I am inflicting.

BUT, if I have to get that close to an attacker before I can fight back, maybe I should just go with my dad's number one move. He was smart enough to teach his little girl how to use her thumbs to pop someone's eyes out. Again ... I have yet to test it. I trust that it will work, because my dad is kind of like a ninja (the kind of ninja who is a retired shop teacher and has a bum knee), but I have no EVIDENCE, and if I am re-evaluating all my killer-killing skills, I need to be SURE.

What have we learned here?  

1.  I am crazy.
2.  I have a lot of spare time on my hands.
3.  I need to take my bathroom door off its hinges.
4.  I need an able-bodied man who is willing to endure multiple stab wounds and having his eyes popped out.  

I will be distributing a sign-up sheet for subjects. And if you also happen to be a killer or think you might begin being a killer in the near future, you are EXACTLY the subject I am looking for. I need to know this is a REAL test run, and not some person with an actual soul just phoning it in to make me feel better. 

Thanks for your time. Please do not send me e-mails with the names and phone numbers of psychiatrists (MOM).


  1. what the hell. Dad never taught ME that stuff. and when I moved to a "city" and asked for mace this is what happened:
    Dad: "well you're going to art school so you'll always have a lot of pencils that you can carry to stab people."
    and Mom, bless her heart, bought me a keychain that makes a loud annoying beeping noise when you yank it open...
    so safe.

  2. Hmm. Very interesting. He was probably more worried about my safety than he was about yours.

    And you can get pepper spray at Meijer for ten bucks. Mine is pink, because I care about Breast Cancer Awareness.

  3. I had a self-defense class in college. I also learned how to enucleate an eyeball with my thumb. Also I don't just walk with one key between my fingers I put one between each finger so I can attack Freddie Kruger style. And also, I know that if I am grabbed from behind in like a bear hold that doesn't have my arms pinned I make a fist and hit as hard as I can direct onto my attackers knuckles and that will momentarily make him release his grasp... It's a reflex thing, he'd have no choice.

  4. You should probably take the doors off your sink vanity too because small people like me can fit in there under the sink space. When you're at your sink brushing and flossing the killer could throw open the doors and get you that way. Unless you're super strong and remember to always lean against the doors. Then you'd be ok. Unless the killer had a gun and could shoot through the doors.

    You floss? That's outstanding.

    I was always told to just kick an attacker in the balls. Assuming the attacker was a male. But I like the key idea. Why don't you just stab the attacker in the eyes with the keys?

    And if I recall right, if you're being attacked or something, instead of yelling help or like in Victoria's case having a loud annoying beeping thing, you're suppose to yell fire to attract the help you need. Though in your case, the attacker would be the one yelling fire from having pepper spray in their eyes.

    Happy subject testing!


  5. Becca -- Yeah, I tested the ball-kicking technique on my younger brother. He reported that it was very effective.

  6. Oh HELL... this can of worms is open?? I could write a book about my killer-killing tactics. Well, not so much as my deter-a-killer tactics.

    For example, I open the drawers to the vanity in the bathroom because they block the door. Unless my killer is 1 1/4" wide he will be duped by my obsessive compulsive safety techniques.

    Thats not to say he won't just stick around and wait for me to come out of the bathroom because who DOESN'T want their victim to be squeaky clean and smell like Bath and Body Works? Not me!

    But I've at least held him off for a few and maybe he'll have a vision of his grandma or something while I'm shaving my armpits and decide its not worth it.

    Good luck with your search for a guinea pig :)

  7. Miranda -- I know, I had to force myself to quit adding killer-killing techniques because the post was getting out-of-control long. Maybe we could get TOGETHER and write the book. Not only would it be hundreds of pages long, but would undoubtedly be a best-seller.

  8. Feeling a tad like chopped liver...

  9. Ooops! Sorry, thought I hit you back.

    You should probably be the expert in mine and Miranda's book. Give actual tips instead of our OCDness.

  10. I could do that... I've totally been in need of a sense of purpose. That may do it. :)

  11. A sense of purpose, huh? Wanna come hold my hand? :)

  12. Do this in exactly this order. And do it very hard and very fast.

    Throat punch, foot to the groin, knee to the face.

    Works everytime against the biggest attackers.

    *must be facing them*

    If attacked from behind, reach back and grab something and squeeze really hard, preferrably nuts. Hard elbows to the ribs and face to follow.

    Eitherway, don't stand and gloat over your handiwork afterwards. RUN LIKE HELL!

  13. ED -- that part about not gloating is going to be the hardest to remember ...

  14. Buy a taser. I'm asking one for Xmas when they are legal. Unless hubs can get me a black market one. ;)

  15. Oh, oh, oh.

    Totally do the stabby middle-finger key thing. But I do it so I can stab the attacker in the stomach and then, when he doubles over, use the loose keys to smack him across the eyes a couple of times.

    Pretty sure I saw it on Ricki Lake or Montel when I was a teenager.

    Also, could you please come back and post your new escape plan, please? thanks

  16. Wow never gave much thought to this stuff, probably why I laughed about the safety latch. I would never have thought about someone being locked in a trunk. I told my husband about this when I got home and he says to me "Don't you watch CSI with me!" "I do but those people are usually dead when they are put in the trunk."
    Let me know when the book is done I want to read it!

  17. Haha, this post is awesome! My old car had one of those safety latches in the trunk, but since I have a small SUV now I no longer have a trunk to be kidnapped in. Also, I too do the keys-between-the-fingers-a-la-wolverine thing whenever I have to walk to my car in the dark :)

  18. At my all-girls high school, we had to take Don't Get Raped seminars. They weren't really called that, I can't remember the official name, but you get the point. We were taught to act like a loony if we were about to get raped. Options included barking, mooing like a cow, or eating grass. So there you have it. My only self-defense strategy. Good thing I have a taser.

  19. Sara -- I would probably taser myself. I often look very closely at my pepper spray and get that weird scared feeling like "any minute I could accidentally spray myself in the eyeballs!!!!" I have more than one issue.

    Sarah P -- I am having a hard time imagining the loose keys being that painful. I may have to do a test run on that as well ...

    Ellie -- Love what Scott said!! Yeah, I watch too many scary shows, and I get lots of scary ideas.

    Lisa -- Good to know. I am now adding "buy an SUV" to my list. You're a lifesaver!!

    Steamy -- Was it a Catholic all-girls school? Because if it was anything like my Catholic school, that was probably the "sex talk." IF any man wishes to have sexual intercourse with you at ANY TIME, moo like a cow. Those nuns are whack.

  20. LOVE the running person. BOOK IT BITCH!

  21. Haven't you ever seen the one in my trunk, husband?

  22. Ooops! Sorry, thought I hit you back.You should probably be the expert in mine and Miranda's book. Give actual tips instead of our OCDness.


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