Monday, May 17, 2010


So, remember how my ONE birthday wish was to get a doggy DNA test? And remember how my mom read my blog and bought me one?  And remember how TOTALLY normal people request things like doggy DNA tests all the time and it is totally not weird or lame or strange?  Well, we GOT IT and USED IT!

What?  You don't care what my mixed breed dog is made of?  Well, guess what?  It's MY freakin' blog, and it is RESULTS DAY!

She looks wary.  Maybe she isn't ready to learn who her daddy is?

Too bad, because *I* am.  We already knew that the test had a swab that we used to get cells from the inside of her cheeks, just like a human DNA test, but then we read the instructions, and we needed to get TWO swabs and those swabs had to be rubbed inside her mouth for TEN SECONDS EACH with one hand pressing on the outside of her cheek to get pressure and ensure lots of cells rubbed off onto the swab.

Guess what dogs don't like?  Yeah, someone shoving a huge q-tip in their mouth and rubbing it around for extended periods of time.

We have a super good dog, so she put up with it ...

"Woman, this just ain't right."

... for the first 18 seconds that is.  When we had two seconds of rubbing left (twss), she stopped playing along.

I decided DNA was more important than the comfort of my dog, so headlocks ensued.  Also, you get a bonus boob shot.  YOU'RE WELCOME.

In the end, I persevered over a squirmy dog:

We waited patiently for like a bazillion years (or two and a half weeks) and then we got the results in a large, important looking envelope in the mail. Just like I got when I was trying to determine the father of MY baby ... that might be a better story for later.  And Jeremy, if you're reading this, just ignore that part.

We knew that Cleo was predominantly a black lab, but with ears like this ...
and a tail like this ...
and a huge mane around her neck like this ...
and the fact that she weighs about 40 pounds less than a pure bred lab, we were excited.  And now we know.  Hold onto your panties.

(duh, Black Labrador Retriever)

Okay, I think this conclusion is fascinating enough, but I have the feeling that some of you will not be all that interested.  So, I will ALSO reveal the REAL FATHER OF MY UNBORN CHILD!!!!


Robert Downey, Jr., you ... ARE the father (Shouts and cheers from the Maury crowd.  Robert and I embrace.)

She's gonna be so beautiful ...


  1. Wow, I guess I actually am surprised by the Chow part! But not the RDJ part. He's the father of my 16 yr old, and I can tell ya, he gets around.

  2. Awesome. The whole story, top to bottom.

  3. Yeah- your dog's mom was obviously a whore. Nice. ;)

    I'll talk to Robert and we'll arrange for a custody and visitation schedule. Thankfully, this all happened BEFORE we hooked up. ;)

  4. I told my fiancee about this when I saw it on your site, and now it's official. I HAVE to get one. Coolest thing ever! Did you announce the results like Maury does? Did anyone start yelling and throwing things?

  5. LOVE LOVE LOVE! Never would have guessed Chow Chow!

  6. I want one of those for my dog. Tell your mom to send me that shit too.

  7. No fair that Robert Downey Jr. is your baby daddy! I want him to be my baby daddy. And that's saying a whole hell of a lot, because I don't even want kids. Unless their Robert Downey Jr.'s. Yum-my.

  8. Awesome. The whole story, top to bottom.

  9. I want one of those for my dog. Tell your mom to send me that shit too.


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