Thursday, May 6, 2010

This All Ends With Me Praising My Husband, If You Can Believe That

Driving home from work today, I was doing what all the cool kids do -- listening to NPR -- when I heard BP was going to "solve" the oil spill problem in the Gulf of Mexico by putting a DOME over the broken pipe that is spitting oil.

Well played, BP.  Not only are you drawing on The Simpsons in the time of crisis,

but you managed to ignore the fact that the oil is already all over the freaking place and floating on the surface of the water.  Way to go.

So, I didn't really have a whole post ready to go on this ... that was as far as I got.  You know, that I think that idea is stupid.  

But watch this:  Okay, the oil spill is a big, gross problem that is not being fixed.  You know what else is a big, gross problem that is not being fixed?  My HUGE SWOLLEN FEET AND ANKLES.

I have never seen such a thing is all my life.  I guess whenever I heard about swollen feet before now, I was always like, "Heh.  I bet that won't happen to me."  Burn, former self.  Burn.

I have a girlfriend who was mad about her swollen feet because she was angry with herself and irrationally thought there must be something she could have done to avoid it.  I am not mad so much as horrifically disgusted.  I can't stop staring at my feet, which look disturbingly like hams on toothpicks, and I get the major voms.  I am feeling the biggest vomity-vom-vomitness of all time.  

I am repulsed by myself.  I mean, you couldn't SEE my nausea every waking moment of my first trimester.  You can't SEE my stiff lower back.  But these Flintstone feet.  Oh, you can see them.  And I just want to hide in my house with my feet propped up on a pillow while I stare at my deformed body and cry.

So, much like the horror that is the oil spill, I am not finding a solution to the problem.  My dome is convincing my husband to rub my ham feet when I get home from work.  He is really racking up his sainthood points lately.  I mean, even *I* won't touch those nasty feet.

I guess the moral of this story is that my husband rocks the casbah.  Well played, Dimick. Take a bow.


  1. Heh. :) I had swollen feet/ankles with Olivia, but not with Jackson. Mostly because I didn't eat as much with Jackson. With Olivia I ate a lot of crap and um..a lot of salt. Salt on everything. I would buy pretzel rods to simply lick the salt off. No bueno. So basically the doctor told me I was screwed. So with Jackson I had no salt. I ate the bare minimum to not feel hungry and voila! No swollen feet.

    Just wait until the end when your face puffs out. Only happened with Livi, not Jackson. Thank god.

  2. The BP dome idea made me think of Steven King's newest book (Under the Dome). Which isn't a good thing, really, because although I am a King fan, the book was great...until the end when it just made me mad. So...I guess that's a roundabout way of saying I'm really peeved at BP. I mean, who has only one valve for a line like plan B??

    Also, I'm very sorry about your feet-your husband sounds wonderful. And, according to my mother, it's all worth it in the end (she had 11 months of severe nausea instead of puffy feet).

  3. Aw, I'm sure you're feet aren't *that* bad. Maybe you can ice and elevate. Is my comment reflective of the fact that I don't have kids, and also have no idea what you're going through? I'm sure it will all be worth it in the end, and if it's not, you could always put your kid in shoes that are too small so they know what swollen feel feel like -- you know, for payback. Just saying.

  4. At least you can still SEE your feet...

  5. SAS -- I have been as healthy as I am willing to be, so ... that's that, I guess. I am going to hope that the face thing won't happen. At least I can be blissfully ignorant until it DOES happen.

    Lisa -- I know. I hate BP! And I'm certain it's all worth it, but man, my body is not a fan of this pregnancy thing.

    Sabrina -- Yeah, the only cure is elevation for hours and hours ... and hours. In a row. But I have some good feet days, so I am learning to cherish those!

    Andrea -- There is bending involved.

  6. If the dome plan goes belly up, I was thinking that the whales could just eat all the oil in the Gulf. I mean, that's what they're there for. Unless there are no longer whales in the Gulf. Then we're up shit creek. Or oil ocean, rather.

  7. Alonewithcats -- Yeah, but I heard a rumor that whales don't like to eat oil. :(

  8. Alonewithcats -- Yeah, but I heard a rumor that whales don't like to eat oil. :(

  9. At least you can still SEE your feet...


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