I happened to pass a billboard the other day that announced Bret Michaels will be appearing at the rum-dum summer musical festival in Lansing called Common Ground. I reacted by almost peeing, laughing so hard it made me choke, swerving a little, and imagining how Mr. Bret Michaels got himself into this situation. I'm pretty sure it went down like this:
(I will refer to Bret Michaels as "BM," not only to save time, but because I love that his initials are the same as "Bowel Movement." It makes me giggle every time I think about it. My mom totally called our poop "Bowel Movements" until my little brother learned more colorful synonyms.
Haha. Bowel Movement.
I will refer to Bret Michael's manager as "BM's M" (tee hee. There it is again. BM. Like his poop has a manager.)
Okay, here's how it DEFINITELY happened:
BM's M: Bret, dude, I've got some great news for you.
BM: Finally! Lay it on me, broseph.
BM's M: Okay, I booked you a gig at the Common Ground Music Festival in Lansing.
BM: ...
BM's M: And they will pay you CASH MONEY for it.
BM: Where the hell is Lansing?
BM's M: Michigan. It's actually the capitol of Michigan.
BM: Michigan? Show me on a map.
BM's M: Well, I can't right now, since we're on the phone, but it's the one that looks like a mitten.
BM: ... (Scratching hair plugs) Just e-mail me a map ASAP. Tell me about the venue.
BM's M: Umm ... there are a few ice cream vendors, a beer vendor, and a stage in the middle of a grass lot with a bunch of folding chairs. Sounds great, right?
BM: Are you fucking me?? I was in POISON! (singing) "Nothing ... but a good time ..."
BM's M: I'm aware of your hits.
BM: So is this like one step down from a county fair or something?
BM's M: Maybe more like one-and-a-half steps, but I think this will be to your benefit. I mean, I think it might be best to ... get back to basics. As far as stages are concerned. I mean, think about what happened at the Tony's.
BM: I just KNEW you were going to throw that in my face again!
BM's M: This stage will be nice and empty and nothing will drop from the ceiling because it is outside in the mosquito-filled night air! Perfect!
BM: Well ... what is there to do in Lansing while I'm there?
BM's M: I've been doing some research. We could visit the capitol building.
BM: ...
BM's M: We could go to the Michigan Historical Museum. They have a great deal of information on mining in Michigan.
BM: ...
BM's M: They also have a TWO-STORY McDonald's. Fancy, right?
BM: A two-story McDonald's you say?
BM's M: Totally, dude.
BM: That sounds like some Vegas shit. I bet it is a happening location, right?
BM's M: ... Er, yes, I heard it is rockin'
BM: Okay, I'll do it. WAIT. Does the museum have information on copper mining in Michigan?
BM's M: Of course.
BM: Okay, sign the papers.
BM's M: Excellent. Your check for $200 is in the mail.
Being BM's M must be the most fun job ever.
ReplyDelete(And if I ever had the chance to make out with BM, I would totally do it. Even if I did get face herpes because of it.)
Sara, you would totally get face herp. And probably throat gonorrhea (it can happen. I saw it on ER).
ReplyDeleteLove this post. You've got BM down to a tee. When I saw Dave Matthews Band at DTE a few weeks back, BM's tour buss pulled into the parking lot as we were walking in.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help but jump and smack the back window, hoping it would cause a ruckus. The bus driver opened up his window and told me to knock it off.
Now that I think about it, I got hives shortly thereafter. Maybe those weren't hives afterall...
Oh my god Brandon ... I can't believe you let me and my unborn baby near you after getting an STD from Bret Michaels' tour bus. Thoughtless.
ReplyDeleteOk so you said you giggle every time you think of Brett's initials which leaves a girl wondering how often you think of it.
ReplyDeleteSituation: Sitting at a red light
Thought: BM (laughter ensues)
Situation: Standing in line at the grocery store
Thought: BM (laughter ensues)
Situation: Childbirth
Thought: BM (laughter ensues followed by screaming Talk Dirty to Me!!! And naming your child Bret naturally)
I still cant believe that viedo clip actually happend.
ReplyDeleteOk so you said you giggle every time you think of Brett's initials which leaves a girl wondering how often you think of it.
ReplyDeleteSituation: Sitting at a red light
Thought: BM (laughter ensues)
Situation: Standing in line at the grocery store
Thought: BM (laughter ensues)
Situation: Childbirth
Thought: BM (laughter ensues followed by screaming Talk Dirty to Me!!! And naming your child Bret naturally)