Here's where things got zany. Out of nowhere, I heard Kourtney Kardashian's voice. (That doesn't ever happen to you? Strange.)
Yes, this Kourtney Kardashian.
In a recent episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim's fiancee threw her in the ocean in Bora Bora and one of her humongous diamond earrings fell to the bottom of the sea. While she cried about it, her sister Kourtney scolded, "People are starving, Kim."
And she was so right. I know, I know, you assumed you couldn't learn anything from Reality TV, but you were wrong. My problems are nothing compared to those of others.
Although ... it's not like I'm necessarily in a position where losing a diamond earring is NBD because I have 50 bajillion dollars and can go buy diamond earrings for every person I've ever met without batting an eye. So, I mean ... I guess that "your problems are not as bad as other people's" argument really applies to her more.
But wait, WAIT. I figured it out again. Here's why I have things to be grateful for even though I am poor and have never been to Bora Bora: I don't have an ugly fiancee who has the same name as my mother (Ick. Just ick.) who throws me into large bodies of water when I beg him not to, PLUS I didn't make a sex tape with an ugly man who pretends to be able to sing.
Got you there, Kim! I'll just sit here, poor as we may be, with my handsome husband who has never thrown me into an ocean against my will and doesn't lose my jewelry. I may have a white hair and road rage, but people don't make fun of my butt on TV every day. Life is good.
That's not all Reality TV has taught me. Check it:
From Sixteen and Pregnant and Teen Mom, I learned to not let a teenage boy impregnate me (check and CHECK.)
From 19 Kids and Counting, I learned to avoid ... well, you know. Millions of kids.
From Sister Wives, I learned to not marry a man with a Sammy Hagar haircut.
From Rock of Love, I learned if you ever see Brett Michaels, RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
From Flavor of Love, I learned if you ever see Flavor Flav, get him to record the outgoing message on your cell phone. That shit will NEVER not be funny.
And that, my friends, is why Reality TV is the shiz.
What have you learned from Reality TV?