I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH

I can't believe it's gotten to this point, but here I am. 

I AM HAVING AN ARGUMENT WITH A TOY. ALOUD. VERY ANGRILY.

Wait, let me preface this by saying two things:

1) We are so lucky to be able to have toys for our children. Many more toys than they would ever realistically need. 

2) I'm sure many (most?) of you have gotten to the point where you want to go all Office Space on one of your kid's toys EVEN IF IT'S ONE OF HIS OR HER FAVORITES because it has pushed you so far over the edge with its level of annoyingness. I know this is not a new phenomenon. I have a few of those toys. 

One day, B. Meowsic Keyboard. One day. 

This is way beyond all that. We have an adorable little pretend vacuum (Aside: Toy companies. Make those tiny vacuums FUNCTIONING VACUUMS. Love, Everyone.) (Second aside: Is that really how you spell vacuum? I've never been able to spell it. Don't you think it needs two Cs in there?) that the girls LOVE. It's very cute. Except for the fact that in between making vacuum noises, it has "funny" little quips. At first I was able to ignore them, but yesterday was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Vacuum: What a pigsty!

Me: Good one. That one gets me every time. Very funny. My housekeeping skills are subpar. HILARIOUS.

Vacuum: *Cough cough* We must clean up the dust!

Me: Right, it's dusty in here because I never clean. I GET IT. SHUT UP ALREADY.

Vacuum: Whoa! Did a tornado blow through here?

Me: You can go STRAIGHT TO HELL, BUDDY. I TRY MY BEST!! *collapses in a puddle of tears*

Vacuum: *dopey laugh*

It's been a long week, you guys.

Hey, I Tried

I just spent a good deal of time writing a post, and when I sat down to re-read it, thought, Well ... this is stupid. So, instead I will show you our St. Patrick's Day pictures and tell you a funny Josie story.

I forgot about delightful celebratory foods, so I gave them unlimited pickles for lunch (hey, they're green!). You would have thought it was Christmas! I imagine their insides are currently pickling themselves.

As for the the Josie story: For the past few weeks, Josie has been having trouble with naps. She's still tired enough to need a nap, but she's going through something and is having a hard time falling asleep consistently. She either skips her nap then yawns and cries and tells me she's tired for the rest of the day; falls asleep immediately and sleeps for three hours; or plays in her room for the entire naptime, and then falls asleep one minute before I'm going to let her out, sleeps for three hours, then doesn't wake up until dinner time. This is not ideal.

Today when I was putting her down for nap, I tried the usual "You're going to win the sleep race and fall right asleep, right?! I knew it! High five! I'm so proud of you!" but her response was a bit lackluster. Since she didn't seem too into the idea of going to sleep, I explained (as I have many times before) that if she fell right asleep and took a good nap, there would be time for reading and games and fun projects before dinner, but if she monkeyed around, there would be no time for anything fun.

She responded, very seriously, "Oh, wow. Thanks for explaining that to me, mama. I understand now."

I asked her, "So, no monkeying around, right?"

Her response? 

" .... Welllll ... just a little monkeying around. Only a little! Deal?"

Oh, how I love that child.  

Josie Says, Vol. 4 (Josie-isms)

Josephine is growing up awfully quickly lately. Luckily, she's still little enough to have some delightful Josie-isms that make us smile. These are a few of my favorite that I want to remember forever: 

        Grad-u-mations [decorations]

        Sell-a-kin [skeleton]

        Yes-ta-day [yesterday]

        Kur-kur-ins [curtains]

        Mersh-a-null [commercial]

        Otta-bim [ottoman]

        Chicken and dunk-lins [chicken and dumplings]

        Scoose Meece [Excuse me]

        Puh-sided [decided]

        Uh-fore [before]

        Mystery mark [question mark]

        Oh, fishel-sticks [Oh, fiddlesticks]

        Chicken doodle soup [chicken noodle soup]

I know it sounds silly, but I'll be really sad when she pronounces all of these correctly. Until then, I'll be making lots of chicken doodle soup.

I'll Never Learn, Vol. Ten Million

Honestly, sometimes I really wonder why I come on here to complain. I always feel better after I hit publish, and when I get responses in the comments and on facebook, I feel even better and usually have some things to laugh about, but it always seems to come back and bite me in the butt.

First the not-so-tragic things that happened yesterday: After I complained about my shoulder being messed up from falling down the stairs, I slipped on the ice in our driveway, and in order to not drop G, I flung my arm out and ... you guessed it, hurt my shoulder again. Then, I ... well, I fell down the basement stairs and HURT MY SHOULDER AGAIN. Jeremy called on his way home, and when I told him what happened, he said, "Veronica ... no one is EVER going to believe that." 

So, I get it. I shouldn't have complained about my shoulder. POINT TAKEN.

But, hey universe. Why did you have to take it out on my kid? 

Yeah, Genevieve woke up from her nap with her face so covered in the rash that her eyes were swelling shut. Her prescriptions were finally ready at five, and I gave her the first doses, but at this point, she was shaking. An hour later, she was still shaking, her fever had spiked to 102, her heart was racing, and she was just a limp pile of goo in Jeremy's arms. I called the after-hours nurse line, and as she was recommending I take her to the ER, Jeremy whispered "her breathing is kind of funny."

It made for one exciting night. Luckily, they got her fever under control and all her vitals were fine after that and we got sent home. I resisted the urge to post a picture of her, because she looks truly awful, but I will tell you that she has Erythema Multiforme, which is a horrific-looking rash that is triggered by an autoimmune response in the body that is likely triggered by a virus or other infections. Based on her other symptoms, our pediatrician thought it was triggered by a mycoplasma infection, which is why she started her on antibiotics right away. The steroids were supposed to slow the rash so it didn't overwhelm her the way it did last night, but since the first doctor we saw delayed her treatment by 52 hours, it was a bit too late.

I'll tell you what, I was thinking some truly terrible things about that man as I was packing up my sick daughter to race her to the ER in the middle of the night. Especially since my pediatrician took one look at her and knew it was not just typical viral hives and was Erythema Mulitforme, and the same thing happened with the physician's assistant and then the physician and the hospital. One look and they knew what it was. 

BREATHE IN. BREATHE OUT.

Little Bit is doing a little better this morning. We kept her fever down, and for the first time since it started, it hasn't spread in twelve hours, so I am counting this as a win. The problem that remains is it could last as long as four weeks, but it's not contagious, so if she feels better and we want to go out into the larger world, we might get some pretty dirty looks. My friend said we should just have a shirt made that say "IT'S NOT CONTAGIOUS." I'm looking into it.

In the meantime, if you could think non-rashy and non-fevery thoughts, we'd take them. I'd like to say I'll never complain again, but .... nah. 

Hate It, Love It

Well, folk, since we last spoke, I got whatever bug the girls had (blerg, but whatever), then a few days later Jeremy started feeling cruddy as well. Nothing major, just the coughing, sore throat, headache, congestion thing about 95% of the world has at the moment. By Sunday, it seemed like Genevieve was finally feeling better.

BUT THEN ... 

MYSTERY RASH.

My little biscuit woke up with some strange red bumps all over her chest on Monday morning. Her pediatrician was home sick with her son (and had to cancel patients for the first time ever, she later told me), so I went to the back-up doctor. He said it was textbook viral rash, and I should give her an antihistamine and call for a follow-up appointment in a week if it didn't get better.

I should have been relieved, but it just didn't sit right with me. THEN, this morning she woke up with the bumps spread to her face and legs. Within an hour, her ears were totally red and swollen, her whole scalp was covered, and her ankles, wrists, and knees were red, swollen, and hot to the touch.

Even though my pediatrician was slammed, she said to bring G in and she would see her instead of taking a lunch (WE HAVE THE BEST DOCTOR EVER). Guess what? NOT HIVES. It's an infection that needs to be treated with antibiotics, and because it went so long without treatment, the rash had gotten to the "swelling phase," which is very painful and needs steroids to control.

I AM LIVID. 

And now, everything is making me mad. I wanted to list all the things that are making me mad, but I compromised and decided I could come here and bitch if I listed one thing I am loving for every thing I list that I am hating.

Here we go:


Okay, this 24-hour beer challenge. I HATE IT. Why are people doing this? If you haven't had these videos show up in your timeline and you have no idea what I'm talking about, just count yourself lucky (or Google it, whatever. I'm not your mom.). It just makes me feel very icky. And it's very aggressive. DON'T TELL ME I ONLY HAVE A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME TO SLAM A BEER BY POSTING A VIDEO OF YOU SLAMMING ONE. NO SIR. (Okay, now you don't have to Google it, I guess. But you still can, if you want. Seriously, I'm not your mom.)

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My dear friend is 20-ish weeks pregnant and just found out if she's having a boy or a girl! She called and told me last night and then told me to make a list of names for her. I got out my baby name books and boy howdy, did she get a list last night. I wish I could name a hundred babies (as long as I don't have to carry them all to term, because DAMN that is hard work).

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If I see one more picture on facebook of a JELLY DONUT being passed off as a paczki, SO HELP ME. At first I was mad at the people posting the pictures, then I realize my anger should be directed towards the institutions that find it acceptable to toss a plain old flat jelly donut on a tray, put a different sign in front of it, and raise the price. YOU JERKS. Okay, I'm also a little mad that the girls are sick so I can't pack them up to drive the 40 minutes to buy a real one.

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I have been re-watching 30 Rock from the beginning on Netflix, and I am so glad that 30 Rock exists, not to mention Netflix Instant Play and Chromecast. Before that I watched Parks and Rec and The Office all the way through again from the beginning, and oh, they make me so happy.

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Remember how I landed funny on my shoulder when I fell down the stairs? Well, I did, and it still hurts SO BAD. The worst part is, as soon as it starts to feel a little better, I do something normal and it pops out again and I have to stifle a scream and a stream of swear words. Nine times out of ten I am holding Genevieve while I do it, so it's a fun little moment. 

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I seriously love the name generator Slate created to "Travoltify" your name. (If you didn't watch the Oscars, you'll need some background on that one. I did the work for you on this one: CLICK HERE.) I got Victoria Dicksant, and I laugh every time I see it. Dicksant! 

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Alright, I know the things I'm angry about make me seem like a total butthead, but I'm in a bad place people. Don't give me crap about it. YOU'RE NOT MY MOM. 

(Well, one of you is. Hi, mom!)