This Is When I Realized My Insomnia May Have Affected My Precarious Sanity

When is too much too much?

Ah, yes.  When you start pointing your camera in the general direction of your pets in pitch-black bedrooms in the middle of the night and then collapse into fits of laughter when you see how the pictures turned out.  Or maybe it was already too much when I walked into the bedroom and thought they were SOO cute that I should run downstairs, get the camera, get upstairs, realize I left the memory card in the computer, run back downstairs for the memory card, put it into the camera and run BACK upstairs, all the while hoping the animal didn't move and ruin my fun.

In my defense, Cleo was laying on the body pillow my mom sent me ....

Who WOULDN'T want a photo of that?!?

And, my sweet little MoJo poses a lot, and you can't tell me he doesn't look precious when he crosses his little paws!

(That lump under his paws is my husband's leg.)

After taking this senior picture-esque shot of the cat, I may or may not have been laughing so hard I snorted.  I told him I wanted to try to get just one more shot (Like, spoke to him.  Out loud.  Inches from my sleeping husband.) ...

... and it finally hit me when he gave me this "what is your deal, lady?" look.  I have gone over the edge.  

Even more terrifying is the fact that I realized anthropomorphizing my pets is all well and good (it's like my favorite thing ever), but when their imagined emotions lead me to major realizations ... 

Time to wake up Jeremy and force him to help me fall asleep. 

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UPDATE (2:32 AM):  So guess what?  I woke up Jeremy and told him I needed help falling asleep.  But I am still awake.  Here is what transpired: 


Veronica:  Umm, Jeremy.  Wake up.  If you love me, you will help me fall asleep.
Jeremy:  Are you serious?
V:  Dead serious.  I need to get up in a few hours so I can go to an all-day meeting, so let's get crackin'.  Put me to sleep.
J:  I can't just "put you to sleep."  You are in charge of your body.
V:  But if you loved me, you would rub my back and soothe me and sit up and wait until I fall asleep.
J:  Remember how I rubbed your back from 10:00 to 11:30?
V:  That was then.  This is now.  If you LOVED ME, you would help me more.
J:  You can't keep saying that.  
V:  But it's true.  If you loved me, you wouldn't be able to fall asleep until you knew I was safely asleep.
J:  Veronica ... I love you, but right now I don't like you very much.
V:  My mom used to say that to me a lot.
J:  Well ... [rolls over and goes back to sleep]

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UPDATE #2 (2:55 AM):  I guess I really didn't learn anything at all.


MoJo came waltzing over to me, purring, wearing his tail in his infamous "Question Mark" style, and I immediately reached for the camera.  I have NEVER been able to get a picture of that tail!  Tonight's the night!!


BAM!:

Isn't it majestic??  And yes, that IS Michael Scott who is being framed by my cat's tail.  Season 5: Prince Family Paper.

But seriously, maybe I should wake Jeremy up again.

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UPDATE #3 (8:25 AM):  I'm feeling a little guilty.  Jeremy just left for work -- 45 minutes late -- because he hit the snooze too many times.  Which MIGHT be a direct result of me waking him up constantly and crying in his face.


At about 4:30, he woke up and said very nice things to me and tried to rub my back and stay awake.  And this was while I had been plotting evil things to get him to wake up and like me enough again to help soothe me to sleep.


I think he loves me AND likes me!  At least he will until he reads this.

Sometimes I Think Baby Jesus Gave Me Insomnia So I Could Share These Products With All the Normal People of the World

I have an exciting opportunity for you.  Do you feel your derrière is flat and boring?  Do you wish it could really ... POP?  Then look no further!




If you can't stomach the whole thing, here are the highlights:


0:14 -- The first time you hear the *POP* sound
0:36 -- The most ridiculous and misleading before and after of all time
0:40 -- The secret of Booty Pop panties is revealed!
1:03 -- Booty Pop lists all the types of garments you can drape over your butt.  ALSO, awesome dancing in mirror montage
1:36 -- Camera angle accidentally reveals how lumpy one's booty will look when wearing Booty Pop
1:55 -- All five "exciting" colors are shown 


You're welcome.  Here's to hoping your booty is always popping.

I Bet My Husband is Still VERY Attracted to Me

Okay, I am sure most of my (highly intelligent, supremely loyal) readers now know I am knocked up. They also might know that I have started a baby blog. They ALSO might realize that some of the babyness is going to spill over here to my "humor" blog.  

I'm sorry.  Here is the official written warning:  I might talk about the embryo/fetus/child over here from time to time.  It's hard to avoid the bleed over. And if babies make you cry or retch and you need to unfollow me because of this, be my guest.  (Except, I just took a screen shot of my list of followers, and if the numbers shrink I will figure out who unfollowed me and then I will FIND YOU.  And MAKE you love me again.)  

But I promise you this: (I have one hand in the air and one hand on my cleavage) all of the schmoopy updates and letters to unborn children and pleas for advice will be over THERE.  Over here is the stuff that might make you laugh even if you are not a mom and are too attached to wine to ever be one (it was a ROUGH break-up, let me tell you ...).  So, you have been warned.

Moving on.

This baby is kicking my ass.  Big time.  

Today I thought I would trick my brain into thinking I am not dying, and I STOOD UP for longer than five minutes. (This whole tricking my brain thing is getting a little easier every day.  Like when I feel a wave a nausea, I tell myself, "Oh my! A cough is coming on!  You simply need to cough, not puke, self!"  and sometimes it works!)  

While standing up for longer than five minutes I did a bunch of heroic things like wiping down the counters and swiffering the floors and MAKING DINNER.  It was unreal.  Every time I felt like dying, I told myself, "Oh, don't worry, body.  That is not you about to pass out!  That is just the excitement from CLEANING!  Oh, how you missed it!!"  I felt like I had completed a triathalon when I was done, but by God, my microwave was clean again.

It really got me to thinking about those New Year's Resolutions that I was too busy crying to write and how I can still set goals -- I just need to do them from this exhausted and nauseated place.  When little things feel like acts of international importance, you need to keep that feeling alive!

So, here are some realistic goals for 2010.  I resolve to ...

Drop my baby less than 20 times.

Sometimes get dressed.

Leave the house twice a week.

Okay.  That's enough.  

I can probably do these things.  Right?  I mean, I cleaned a MICROWAVE today when I had every intention of staying on the couch all day and crying.  It's all a matter of motivation.  

My plan is the print these out and post them on the fridge.  That way, every day when I accomplish one of these goals, I will feel like I won the Nobel Prize or something.

I suggest you all do the same.  Happy New Year's a few days late!

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. IV

In honor of my 50th documented follower (like people who are willing to let other people know they read my blog.  Amazing.), I thought I would sprinkle your average days with an above-average dose of hilariousness: Volume IV of Funny Stuff My Husband Says! To see all Volumes, click here.


Please, do enjoy!


SCENE:  WE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH.  JEREMY TURNS TO ME, AND, OUT OF NOWHERE SAYS:


Jeremy:  Our kids are going to have a leg up on making paper airplanes.*


Veronica:  Umm?  Paper airplanes?  That's nice.


Jeremy:  Do you want to know WHY?


Veronica:  Of course.


Jeremy:  I came up with the best design EVER, and not only did it win the paper airplane competition for distance in 6th grade ... *dramatic pause* ... it won by TWENTY FEET.


JEREMY TURNS AWAY, LOOKING VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, AND CONTINUES WITH WHAT HE WAS DOING.


*Note: This is before we found out I was pregnant


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SCENE:  WE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH, WATCHING AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK ABOUT A SPELLING BEE.


Jeremy:  Oh, honey, you know what I never told you?


Veronica:  What?


Jeremy:  I won the Geography Bee in 5th grade.


Veronica:  Oh yeah, you did tell me that.


[JEREMY GIVES ME AN EVIL LOOK]


Veronica:  I mean ... you won the GEOGRAPHY bee?  Wow!  That is really great!


Jeremy:  [filled with childlike excitement] Yeah, I know!  And I didn't even try!!


FIVE MINUTES LATER


Jeremy:  Yeah, I totally didn't even try.  And I didn't even find out until the end of the year.  They were just like, "And, winner of the geography bee is ... JEREMY DIMICK."  And I was like, "Badass!"  ... Why are you laughing so hard?


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SCENE:  ON THE DAY OF JEREMY'S GRADUATION FROM GRAD SCHOOL, I BROUGHT OUT A CAKE THAT SAID "CONGRATULATIONS JEREMY!" WRITTEN ON IT, JUST LIKE I PROMISED I HAD BOUGHT FOR US TO ENJOY WITH HIS FAMILY


Jeremy:  OH MY GOD.  It actually has my name on it????!!!?!?!!!


Veronica:  Ummm, yes.


Jeremy:  But this isn't YOUR handwriting!  Who wrote it?


Veronica:  The lady at the Meijer Bakery.  [I look at Jeremy's mom and blush]  I mean ... that fancy bakery down the street ... whatever ... yes, the lady at Meijer wrote it.  Why?


Jeremy:  How did you get her to do that?


Veronica:  I asked her.


Jeremy:  And she just DID it?  For FREE??!?!!?


Veronica:  Yes, just like at every other bakery in the world.  Would you like me to cut the cake now, or ...


Jeremy:  I'm sorry, but this is totally blowing my mind.  For FREE?  Just because you asked?  Tell me how it happened.


Veronica:  Just like you might imagine.  Now I am going to serve this cake to your family.


[THREE DAYS LATER]


Jeremy:  So let me get this straight.  You just walked up to that counter in Meijer and held up a cake and asked them to write on it and they DID and they did it for FREE?


Veronica:  Yes, Jeremy.  That is exactly what happened.


Jeremy:  How did I never know about this???


Veronica: [Silently exits room]

I Have Nothing Interesting to Say Because the Baby Growing Inside Me is Slowly Killing Me

This has been me for the last few days:

Except when my mother and husband convinced me it would be good for me to get some fresh air and exercise by walking the dog.  This resulted in me puking in a neighbor's front yard and then running home crying.  Success.


Based on my calculations (which look something like this -- amount of horrific symptoms / weeks gestation X my ability to handle said symptoms = evilness of baby), I assume my baby currently looks a little like this:

Or this:

Or, perhaps, even this:

*SHUDDER*  


image sources: 1, 2, 3, 4


UPDATE:  Jeremy said he kind of likes the middle one because it looks "spunky."