Funny Stuff My husband Says, Vol. V

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet. So, every once and a while, I salute him. Like today. To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.




SCENE:  My phone rings late at night. And by late, I mean 9:30 PM.  


Jeremy:  Oh my. It's awfully late for someone to be calling you.


Veronica:  I know, right?


Jeremy:  Could you maybe tell your boyfriend to stop calling after 9 PM?


Veronica:  Sorry. I can't control him.


Jeremy:  Couldn't you at least get him to come over and walk this dog?!?!




SCENE:  Jeremy reaches over and surreptitiously grabs MY glass of water because his is empty and he doesn't want to go get more.


Veronica:  HEY! That's MY water!


Jeremy:  Uh, yeah. But you clearly weren't drinking it.


Veronica:  Jerk.


[I start responding to an e-mail from a friend]


Jeremy:  Oh great. What, are you BLOGGING about me now? "Oh, WAAA, my husband stole my WATER!"


Veronica:  *Death stare* [I open a blogger window] I am NOW.




(As reported by Jeremy's Co-worker Loe'l) SCENE: Loe'l and Jeremy are at work


Loe'l:  How do you tell someone he isn't funny?


Jeremy:  Is it me? Because I can try harder.




SCENE:  Facebook status hilarity (sorry it is a little small.  Click for larger version).

Sucking the Cash Out of Lonely People

Okay, hopefully most of you are aware of the sensational and creeptastic levels that people have gone to in order to replicate human interaction.  If you're not, I don't really want to be the one to explain the wild end of the spectrum to you.  If you need more info on that, please click here here and here.  Instead, I would like to introduce the world of low-tech replacements for relationships.

For your cuddling pleasure, may I introduce the BOYFRIEND PILLOW.  

Yes, that is a lady cuddling with half a torso dressed as a man.  And I am pretty sure the idea is to PRETEND it is a man.  For reals.

But don't just listen to me being all negative.  Let's look at the list of features the website lists, shall we?:


A fun and original gift idea!
Soft and comfortable body pillow
Provides secure sense of comfort
Torso and arm comfortably wrap around body
All the positives of sleeping with your boyfriend without all the negatives
Great sleeping companion for single ladies
Doesn't have legs, so it can't run away!


Yes, it doesn't have legs, so it won't run away, just like all the other men in your life, you horrible loser, now BUY A DAMN PILLOW!  Also, when I googled it, the first site I found that sold it is a medical supplies store.  Ummm?

And don't worry, lonely dudes, you have not been forgotten.  Not only do you have the GIRLFRIEND PILLOW (only $11.97!!) complete with bikini and red nail polish ...

... but you can also take comfort in the GIRLFRIEND LAP PILLOW!!

I could only find it for purchase on fancy Japanese sites, so this one will set you back 155 smackers, but if what you desire is a lap to lie upon, then it is well worth it.  Am I right?

These guys sure think so.

Then, my friend Melissa sent me the crowning jewel.  Perfect for when you need fake human comfort on-the-go.  Brace yourselves:

www.hugegram.com

I wonder if the name hug-A-gram was already taken?  It looks like huge-gram.  Moving on.

I was mostly disturbed by the claims on the website that people could "carry your love with them" and Jeremy was mostly freaked by the Mickey Mouse hands.  Either way, I find this weird and ... weird.  

If someone sent this to you in the mail, would you really open it up and be like, "Oh my gosh, a hug from Aunt Linda!  I better put it on!  OMG, I can feel the love from Aunt Linda, like she is RIGHT HERE hugging me!"  If you would, we can't be friends.  To say the least.


I guess people think that lonely people are easy targets.  When I was convinced that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, I just made my little sister sign a contract saying we would live in a house by the beach with a lot of cats.  Much less sad.

Be Glad I Don't Live in YOUR Neighborhood

Now I totally get why old people do it.  It is better than TV.  That's right:  I am the new neighborhood spy.


I didn't set out to INTENTIONALLY be one, but the city-living set-up we have going on over here kind of forced it upon me.  It all started yesterday when it was GORGEOUS for the first time in forever when I actually had a day off, and even though I had tons of work to do, I was determined to enjoy the weather.  So, I took my computer and an ottoman out the the "3-season room," opened all the windows, and sat with the animals all day, enjoying the breeze and the sunshine while tippy-typing assignments for my students.


So, the 3-season room.  Lame.  It is actually what used to be a porch, and some idiot put up thin walls and windows, skipping the insulation, so it is way too hot in the summer and way too cold in the winter.  It is actually a "Spring room."  It is also where my husband's beloved gold couch from the 70s lives.  It is easily the most vile creation on the planet, but the cat LOVES sitting on it and staring out the window, and I use it like 5 days a year, so ... worth keeping?  Who knows.  But the porch-room is so small that I am basically on TOP of the windows.  And the front of our house is about 4 feet from the street and 4 feet from the houses on either side of us, just like every other house on the street.  So, when I sit on the porch, I am privy to EVERYBODY'S business.  And it turns out that is awesome.


I am lucky that Jeremy loves a good story, because when he came home from work yesterday, I had about 15 doozies.


Neighbor-in-beige-house got into a fight with his wife right in the middle of the street.  The fight apparently had something to do with their minivan, because they kept walking over, opening the back hatch, gesticulating wildly, closing it, walking away, then walking back, opening it, and gesticulating wildly.  The fight ended when male neighbor raised his voice and female neighbor said "I AM SO OVER THIS" and they drove away in their SUV.  Very curious.


Then, the world's skinniest man walked by our house, SHIRTLESS, while his lady, who had the world's biggest sideburns (even on a man, I swear), sauntered alongside him with her hand cupping his child-sized butt cheek. Priceless!


And, who could forget when son of neighbor-in-other-beige-house brought a new friend over to play, and when the HORRIBLE children two houses down came over to play, he said he couldn't have any more company over, while his mom peeked out the window with a big smile on her face.  ZING! (Normally I don't advocate zinging children, but these children ... I have no words to describe them.  Feral?  That's a good one.)


And, oh my god, the woman who has not come out of her house in OVER A YEAR just came outside to direct the furniture delivery guys!  I gotta go!!

Etsy Saturdays: X

In support of the handmade revolution, I bring you Etsy Saturdays!  I will highlight a fun new shop every week, and I hope you will stop over to see their merchandise or find something else you love while you're there.  To see all Etsy Saturdays, click here.
*I have not been compensated in any way for this post*

Even though I don't have the money to buy furniture, Lunar Lounge Design's shop is not to be missed.  Each piece is handcrafted and made to order.


This is the piece that caught my eye, and I LOVE it!

Havana Love Seat and Ottoman, $1,500

The same style is also available in a lounge chair.

Havana Lounge Chair and Ottoman, $900

I love this -- it could be used as a mod sofa or instead of a coffee table.  Very chic.

Bokz Leather Button Sofa Bench, $695

I can see this bench fitting so many places in my house.

Bokz Console Bench, $250 

Sigh.  One day I will be able to buy awesome custom-made furniture.  Maybe.

April Fools Day: The Most Ulcer-Inducing Day of The Year

It wasn't always that bad.  When I was really little, like before school age, I have memories of telling my dad he had a spider on his head and then shrieking "APRIL FOOL!!!!!" before he even had time to act scared and pantomime brushing a spider off of his head.  I remember thinking this was the most hilarious April Fool in the history of time, and therefore repeated it over and over again throughout the day.  I was on fire.


But then school came.  And the thought of getting fooled MYSELF became a very real possibility.  As a slightly ... how do you say? ... ANXIOUS child, the thought of being fooled, ESPECIALLY by my peers and IN FRONT of the rest of them (and the nuns, who would likely report to Jesus that I was a major fool, and if you combine that with my measly 98% on my last math assignment, I was pretty sure Jesus would have said, "Sigh.  Send her straight to Hell.  Don't even wait for her to die.") -- pure terror.  


Yes, I was that child who was sure that bad grades would send her to the fiery pits of hell; that if I took my nap and let my mom out of my sight, she would surely die and I would lose my last precious moments with her; that stepping on cracks truly DID have a detrimental effect on my poor mother's back.  Also, if a child played an April Fool's Day prank on me, it did NOT mean that he or she was being a normal child and having fun.  It meant he or she was trying to SHAME me in front of everyone and I was chosen me because he or she hated me most out of every other person they had ever met.


Can you believe I survived to adulthood without a heart attack or diagnosed ulcers?  I cannot.


Anyway, April Fool's Day became a day of strategy.  Step one -- try to convince mom I am dying of diphtheria or dysentery or smallpox.  This first step always failed.  Step two -- CONSTANT VIGILANCE.  All day long, I would be looking over my shoulder, questioning everyone, and of course turning down any gifts or favors.  Someone said I could cut in line?  Then there must be a bucket of oatmeal over that spot that they would dump onto my head!  Ignore!!  Someone said I could borrow their scissors instead of waiting for another pair to free up?  There must be superglue on the scissors!  And maybe fire ants!  Ignore!!


This led into high school, somehow.  I seem to recall being the butt of a rather benign and lame April Fool in my freshman year, and while I had moved on to public school and decided that God was not constantly looking for ways to strike me dead, I still did not find the fooling funny.  Who wants to look like a fool?  Not someone who takes life too seriously, thank you very much.  


Now, I feel that I am healed enough to be the victim of a prank.  But that doesn't stop the rumbling in my stomach the night of March 31st.  The ten-year-old inside me shouts "VIGILANCE!!  VIGILANCE!!  VIGILANCE!!" but the adult just decides to avoid as many people as possible the next day.  Maybe I need more counseling.  


Anyway, I survived yet another April Fool's Day with no major bodily harm, shame, or emotional trauma.  I hope the same for all of you.