April Fools Day: The Most Ulcer-Inducing Day of The Year

It wasn't always that bad.  When I was really little, like before school age, I have memories of telling my dad he had a spider on his head and then shrieking "APRIL FOOL!!!!!" before he even had time to act scared and pantomime brushing a spider off of his head.  I remember thinking this was the most hilarious April Fool in the history of time, and therefore repeated it over and over again throughout the day.  I was on fire.


But then school came.  And the thought of getting fooled MYSELF became a very real possibility.  As a slightly ... how do you say? ... ANXIOUS child, the thought of being fooled, ESPECIALLY by my peers and IN FRONT of the rest of them (and the nuns, who would likely report to Jesus that I was a major fool, and if you combine that with my measly 98% on my last math assignment, I was pretty sure Jesus would have said, "Sigh.  Send her straight to Hell.  Don't even wait for her to die.") -- pure terror.  


Yes, I was that child who was sure that bad grades would send her to the fiery pits of hell; that if I took my nap and let my mom out of my sight, she would surely die and I would lose my last precious moments with her; that stepping on cracks truly DID have a detrimental effect on my poor mother's back.  Also, if a child played an April Fool's Day prank on me, it did NOT mean that he or she was being a normal child and having fun.  It meant he or she was trying to SHAME me in front of everyone and I was chosen me because he or she hated me most out of every other person they had ever met.


Can you believe I survived to adulthood without a heart attack or diagnosed ulcers?  I cannot.


Anyway, April Fool's Day became a day of strategy.  Step one -- try to convince mom I am dying of diphtheria or dysentery or smallpox.  This first step always failed.  Step two -- CONSTANT VIGILANCE.  All day long, I would be looking over my shoulder, questioning everyone, and of course turning down any gifts or favors.  Someone said I could cut in line?  Then there must be a bucket of oatmeal over that spot that they would dump onto my head!  Ignore!!  Someone said I could borrow their scissors instead of waiting for another pair to free up?  There must be superglue on the scissors!  And maybe fire ants!  Ignore!!


This led into high school, somehow.  I seem to recall being the butt of a rather benign and lame April Fool in my freshman year, and while I had moved on to public school and decided that God was not constantly looking for ways to strike me dead, I still did not find the fooling funny.  Who wants to look like a fool?  Not someone who takes life too seriously, thank you very much.  


Now, I feel that I am healed enough to be the victim of a prank.  But that doesn't stop the rumbling in my stomach the night of March 31st.  The ten-year-old inside me shouts "VIGILANCE!!  VIGILANCE!!  VIGILANCE!!" but the adult just decides to avoid as many people as possible the next day.  Maybe I need more counseling.  


Anyway, I survived yet another April Fool's Day with no major bodily harm, shame, or emotional trauma.  I hope the same for all of you.