I would never let a monkey make a monkey out of me. It's like you don't even KNOW me.

I like to think I am SLIGHTLY hip.  I mean, I have a Twitter account, people. Never you mind that I only log on once a month, send a flurry of twits (you call them tweets, I call them twits, Kathy Griffin calls them twats -- to each her own), forget Twitter exists for about a month, then start the cycle all over again.

So when I started blogging, I really wanted to do all the cool things other bloggers did.  However, after taking three solid hours to figure out how to get a Twitter widget on my blog AND have it go to my account when you click on it ... well, it was then that I realized I will likely not be on the cutting edge of technology.  Whatevs.

But I DID finally figure out how all those other clever bloggers were able to see what keyword searches led people to their blogs.  It took me months. Unfortunately, that is not an exaggeration.  I got all excited and proud of myself, read the list, laughed, and then (you guessed it) forgot about it for a few months.

However, today while I was wondering which direction this next post should take after I pissed off a Christian Scientist (he/she could not tell by the rest of my blog that I make "the jokes"), I remembered Google Analytics.  I am coming up in response to some pretty exciting search terms.  Get ready to be jealous:

"annoying orange" (←which is weird, because I write exclusively about non-annoying blue)

"chonkie movie (the toy baby that kill)"  (←this one took me a while to figure out)

"awesome possum lemon blossom" (←this one is pretty fantastic, actually)

"chunky monkey boobs" (←thanks for noticing my fine rack)

"veronica addicted to pooping (←it's like they have a window into my soul)

"chunky monkeys sat on my face" (←oh dear ... this is taking a bad turn)

"chunky munky nude grils" (←yep, this is bad -- I never condone grilling in the nude.  That is DANGEROUS, folks!)

"monkey attack dog trying to attack on the small baby" (←ummm ... what?)

And my favorite: "are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of you?" (←NEVER)

All this is great, but what I was completely unaware of is the fact that I have become somewhat of an expert on farting because of that one ... experience.  Here are the top fart searches that led people to my blog:

fart at night

fart attack 

fart awake

farting at night

farting uterus

farts throughout night

my husband farts in his sleep

how much of your farting is done at night?

is it ok to feel like farting at night?

its two nights that im farting always ... am i pregnant?

why my son farts in his bed

vitamin D makes me fart

farting monkeys farting bad romance

phd farts

So what have we learned here?  Clearly, I need re-focus my efforts and become the preeminent fart scholar on the Internet.  Send me your fart questions, people.  I am happy to oblige.  And I might just have "PhD farts." You'll never know.