Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Wanted: New Spider-Disposer-Type Person

If you also live in an old house (especially if it has not been cared for for over 100 years -- reminder: we rent, so we are not the neglectful owners in question), you know the extent of the spider problem.  I swear, we could start an arachnid museum up in here.

I am pretty terrified of spiders (if you don't understand why, please click HERE), but ever since the baby has arrived, I have been hyper-vigilant about those little blood suckers.  And let me tell you, I COULD kill all those little bitch spiders every time I spot one (or, rather, get Jeremy to kill them), but I am KIND-HEARTED, so I just scream and scream and hyperventilate and point at the spider and scream until Jeremy scoops it up, unharmed, and removes it from our residence.  

So, that is how g-d nice I am.

Until recently, when I found ...
EGG SACS!!!!  In my basement!  Right by the washer and dryer!  Where I wash my BABY'S CLOTHES!!  Not one.  Not two.  THREE egg sacs, all full of thousands -- nay, MILLIONS -- of little baby spiders, just waiting to erupt in a fireworks display of evil.  (See below):
Of course, I immediately alerted my husband.

Veronica:  [dragging Jeremy to basement]  Have you SEEN this?

Jeremy:  The window?

Veronica:  No, what is between the window and the storm window.

Jeremy:  Hmm, not seeing anything that would necessitate me being dragged to the basement.

Veronica:  Well, that explains why our house is rampant with killer spiders!  SOMEONE is not taking his job very seriously.  Spiders sacs, Jeremy!

Jeremy:  Oh.

Veronica:  OH?  That's all you have to say??  Do you realize those things are going to burst forth with thousands of SPIDERS that will BITE your BABY?!?!

Jeremy:  Well, I'm pretty sure there are thousands of eggs, but that's just because not all of them will survive.

Veronica:  Don't you try to use your knowledge of science against me.  Besides, if even ONE survives, it will crawl up in the dark of night and bite your baby's FACE!  Are you prepared to wake up in the morning and see a massive spider bite on your sweet girl's face, all because you wouldn't get rid of those damn egg sacs?  Are you?  ARE you?

Jeremy:  But Veronica ... think about Charlotte's Web.  Are YOU prepared to tell your daughter that you ordered the death of Charlotte's BABIES?

Veronica:  *death stare*  You son of a bitch ...

Yeah, the egg sacs remain.


  1. Um, I'd have gone and gotten a giant can of raid, and sprayed the shit out of that sack. It'd shrivel and drop like a hot muffin.


  2. LOL! spiders are terrifying, but damn that charlotte's web argument is convincing...

  3. GO USE A SHOP VAC!!!!!! Please go suck those things up then make your hubby dispose of the vacuum contents! My little Molly got spider bites while IN HER CRIB last fall and it was horrible. :( Just thinking of spiders crawling on her makes my own skin crawl. There are a gazillion other spiders on Earth....so go kill these ones!

  4. As always, LOVE the dialogue, but... OH HECK NO! Those suckers would be GONE! Please, please, please reconsider!

  5. I *cannot* believe he played the "Charlotte's Web" card. Touche, Jeremy. Touche.

  6. Had I been in your shoes, my husband would've realized that laundry washing would cease until the spiders were gone. He would've bitched, but he would've done something because, really, nobody likes to re-wear underpants.

  7. This makes me want to cry...evil evil evil spiders. Alan recently spider proofed with some fancy stuff he got from Home Depot. Hopefully it works, because we get some big ones.

  8. mmmh... there is only four evil spiderlings, the others are nice


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