Fact #1: I know you are DYING for an update on my boobs, so I don't want to drag it out and make you wait any longer. Let me tell you how I honestly feel about breastfeeding. From the bottom of my heart? It is the hardest, most infuriating thing I have ever been through in my entire life. Remember how I figured out it was my breasts being "overly enthusiastic" about making milk that was destroying my daughter's innards?
Well, ever since then I have been trying to force my boobs to make the correct amount of milk. For the first three days of following La Leche League's directions for slowing down my milk, NOTHING was changing. There was still too much milk, a lot of screaming and crying, and LOTS of crummy tummy. Then, all of a sudden, I went from one feeding with way too much milk to the next feeding with NO MILK, like, AT ALL. There was a lot more screaming and crying than usual (from both parties involved). So I tried to make a bottle, but I had no idea if I should give her the milk I had pumped and stored, because that was probably all foremilk too, right? I tried to give her formula, but for some reason, every single one of our awesome "breast-like" bottles flipped out and the milk was POURING out of of the nipples like we were shoving a garden hose in her mouth, so she was choking and gagging and screaming and clawing at my face, and I was sobbing and shouting "WHAT DO WE DO???!?!?!?!" at Jeremy.
Needless to say, I then had to try to convince my breasts to make MORE milk. And ever since then, it has been a precarious balance trying to keep my supply at *just* the right amount. I mean, do normal people have to deal with this? Every single day I have too much or too little milk at one feeding and then have to scramble to fix it. All this is really draining me, and I feel like such a complete FAILURE. I feel like the one thing my body is supposed to be able to do to provide for my daughter is malfunctioning, and all the bonding and happiness I am supposed to be enjoying with my baby has been stolen from me. Everyone told me to stick it out for the first three weeks and then it will get better and easier. Well, it has been nine weeks, and I am still struggling in a bad way. Every single day I just want to give up, and then I feel like a horrible mother. GUH!! Boobs, why you gotta play me like this??
Fact #2: Last night when I was driving home from teaching my night class, I was feeling like a really bad mom. I felt like I hadn't done my best in mothering Josephine that day, specifically because when I was brushing her hair after her bath, she cried and made the saddest face I have ever seen, like she was just giving up because she was so destroyed by what I was doing to her. And I FINISHED BRUSHING HER HAIR, even though she was making a sad face. Plus, I was trying to enter my students' grades online and was holding her (Yeah, this is how I work now. You would think I could just ... oh, I don't know, PUT HER DOWN. But you'd be wrong. Oh, you'd be SO wrong):
Fact #3: Okay, this is turning out to be the world's saddest post, so here is an ADORABLE fact: Josephine is going to be a MONKEY for Halloween. A MONKEY! Can you believe it? Can you think of anything cuter than my baby girl is this costume my mom just ordered for her?
Fact #4: My daughter would probably get a lot more restful and sustained sleep if I could just STOP KISSING HER. I mean, she's just snuggled up to me, looking all cute and sweet, and I just have to lean over and kiss her. How can I not? And 90% of the time, that wakes her up, and she looks up at me with her sleepy little eyes as if to say, "Seriously, mom? Can you let me sleep for more than five minutes without waking me up with a stinkin' kiss?" Oh my gosh, I just kissed her little forehead like five times while I typed this paragraph.
So, what have we learned here? I am going kind of crazy, but my daughter is AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL.
"Yeah. I'm number one!"