Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Most Interesting Facts You Will Read Today

Now that I've drawn you in with that tantalizing title, I suppose it's only fair to tell you the truth: I am just going to tell you what's going on in my not-so-fascinating and baby-centered life. But guess what? That is all you're getting, so you will read it, and you will LIKE it.


Fact #1: I know you are DYING for an update on my boobs, so I don't want to drag it out and make you wait any longer. Let me tell you how I honestly feel about breastfeeding. From the bottom of my heart? It is the hardest, most infuriating thing I have ever been through in my entire life. Remember how I figured out it was my breasts being "overly enthusiastic" about making milk that was destroying my daughter's innards?  


Well, ever since then I have been trying to force my boobs to make the correct amount of milk. For the first three days of following La Leche League's directions for slowing down my milk, NOTHING was changing. There was still too much milk, a lot of screaming and crying, and LOTS of crummy tummy. Then, all of a sudden, I went from one feeding with way too much milk to the next feeding with NO MILK, like, AT ALL. There was a lot more screaming and crying than usual (from both parties involved). So I tried to make a bottle, but I had no idea if I should give her the milk I had pumped and stored, because that was probably all foremilk too, right?  I tried to give her formula, but for some reason, every single one of our awesome "breast-like" bottles flipped out and the milk was POURING out of of the nipples like we were shoving a garden hose in her mouth, so she was choking and gagging and screaming and clawing at my face, and I was sobbing and shouting "WHAT DO WE DO???!?!?!?!" at Jeremy.


Needless to say, I then had to try to convince my breasts to make MORE milk. And ever since then, it has been a precarious balance trying to keep my supply at *just* the right amount. I mean, do normal people have to deal with this? Every single day I have too much or too little milk at one feeding and then have to scramble to fix it. All this is really draining me, and I feel like such a complete FAILURE. I feel like the one thing my body is supposed to be able to do to provide for my daughter is malfunctioning, and all the bonding and happiness I am supposed to be enjoying with my baby has been stolen from me. Everyone told me to stick it out for the first three weeks and then it will get better and easier. Well, it has been nine weeks, and I am still struggling in a bad way. Every single day I just want to give up, and then I feel like a horrible mother. GUH!! Boobs, why you gotta play me like this??


Fact #2: Last night when I was driving home from teaching my night class, I was feeling like a really bad mom. I felt like I hadn't done my best in mothering Josephine that day, specifically because when I was brushing her hair after her bath, she cried and made the saddest face I have ever seen, like she was just giving up because she was so destroyed by what I was doing to her. And I FINISHED BRUSHING HER HAIR, even though she was making a sad face. Plus, I was trying to enter my students' grades online and was holding her (Yeah, this is how I work now. You would think I could just ... oh, I don't know, PUT HER DOWN. But you'd be wrong. Oh, you'd be SO wrong):



... and she started fussing a little. Instead of stopping what I was doing and soothing her, I just bounced her in my arm a little so I could spend 30 seconds to finish what I was doing first. And as I was driving home at 10 PM, all I could imagine was her sad little face, and my boobs were leaking like MAD because I don't have an office anymore so I don't have a place to pump for the six hours I am gone on Tuesday nights, and the more I cried and imagined her face, the more I leaked, and the more I leaked, the more I cried. Then ... flashing lights. Yup, I was speeding, and the cop was not swayed by my sobbing about how I needed to get home to my baby. So I got a speeding ticket that essentially STOLE MONEY from my daughter because I have to pay the county money that I could be spending on her. It was kind of a bad night.


Fact #3: Okay, this is turning out to be the world's saddest post, so here is an ADORABLE fact: Josephine is going to be a MONKEY for Halloween. A MONKEY! Can you believe it? Can you think of anything cuter than my baby girl is this costume my mom just ordered for her?
Plush Monkey Newborn/Infant Costume
I cannot.


Fact #4: My daughter would probably get a lot more restful and sustained sleep if I could just STOP KISSING HER. I mean, she's just snuggled up to me, looking all cute and sweet, and I just have to lean over and kiss her. How can I not? And 90% of the time, that wakes her up, and she looks up at me with her sleepy little eyes as if to say, "Seriously, mom? Can you let me sleep for more than five minutes without waking me up with a stinkin' kiss?" Oh my gosh, I just kissed her little forehead like five times while I typed this paragraph. 


So, what have we learned here? I am going kind of crazy, but my daughter is AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL. 


"Yeah.  I'm number one!"

9 comments:

  1. That last picture is adorable. Veronica I have to give you props for handling all of this it sounds really stressfu,l but we all know you are strong and smart and will hopefully look back on this in a few months and laugh. Especially at the image of your boobs leaking while getting pulled over by a cop. I would have just squirted him in the eye with it...if that were possible.

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  2. Unfortunately, it would be totally possible for me to do that ...

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  3. I absolutely understand your breast feeding problems. With Ella, we had major problems with her latching on and I was so worried she wasn't getting enough from me. We ended up just pumping for 3 months until I got sick and was on antibiotics and couldn't anymore. My suggestion if you're going to use formula (which, contrary to popular opinion, does not make you the worst mother alive) would be to add infant cereal to it to thicken it up so it doesn't come pouring out. We did this with both of our kids and it did the trick! It also gives them a full tummy and they sleep better! Our doc suggested this to us and we've heard of other parents who have done it as well. Hope that helps! Your little girl really is adorable and you and Jeremy are doing great!

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  4. I struggled with breastfeeding with Olivia. I think I cried more than she did. I tried pumping, I tried feeding her straight from said boobies..nada. It was never enough and finally her doctor was like, "You know if you just went straight formula she would be perfectly fine, right? And you wouldn't be so stressed out, right? And you're still a good mom, right?" And that? Was the BEST thing anyone could ever have said to me. I stopped pumping and breastfeeding and after figuring out which formula worked for her- everybody was happy. And Matt was happier because he got to feed her and I wasn't crying and demanding that he fix my boobs. ;) It does get better- I promise!

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  5. Sara makes all great points! Especially for the daddy to get to feed the baby! I know my hubby enjoyed having that bonding time with Ella.

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  6. Hi - I found your blog just before Josephine was born - three weeks before my boy was born. I just wanted to say "hi" and boy, I know (sort of) what you are going through. In my case, "luckily" it was me who had the health problems after the baby was born (c-section>pulmonary embolism>blood thinners>hospitalized for excessive bleeding because, hey, blood thinners and still recovering from pregnancy!>hormones to stop the bleeding). As bad as that was, I can't imagine how hard it would have been to see Byron sick.

    I'm not having an easy time with the breastfeeding, either - I rarely go through a day without having to supplement with formula, but I'm okay with it. It gives me a break and gives my hubs a chance to hold the boy.

    Anyhow, thanks for sharing your experiences - it makes me feel so much better not to be the only person going through this right now!

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  7. I'm very sorry to hear about your breastfeeding problems. :( I was only able to breastfeed my daughter for a week and my son I wasn't able to at all. I know it is so incredibly frustrating. On a good note, Josephine is BEAUTIFUL!!!!

    <3 Becca

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  8. Josephine definitely is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!

    I'm so sorry about your breastfeeding problems. I know a lot of women have trouble with it, though.

    I hope everything starts getting better! You all definitely deserve it. :)

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  9. Hi - I found your blog just before Josephine was born - three weeks before my boy was born. I just wanted to say "hi" and boy, I know (sort of) what you are going through. In my case, "luckily" it was me who had the health problems after the baby was born (c-section>pulmonary embolism>blood thinners>hospitalized for excessive bleeding because, hey, blood thinners and still recovering from pregnancy!>hormones to stop the bleeding). As bad as that was, I can't imagine how hard it would have been to see Byron sick.

    I'm not having an easy time with the breastfeeding, either - I rarely go through a day without having to supplement with formula, but I'm okay with it. It gives me a break and gives my hubs a chance to hold the boy.

    Anyhow, thanks for sharing your experiences - it makes me feel so much better not to be the only person going through this right now!

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