I Got a Bad Haircut. I Got a B-A-D haircut.

I've always had hair troubles. I have extremely thick, heavy hair that is dual texture (some is wavy, some is kinky). I've spent my entire adult life either pulling it back or spending an hour or more straightening it (and praying for no rain or humidity). It's a pain. 

To top it all off, I have never found someone who understands my hair. I have had a few hair stylists come close, but they always leave it too heavy, or too pyramid-like, or give it too many layers or too few layers. Most also say things in a shocked voice, like "I have never ever seen such thick hair! Ever! In my whole life!" or "How do you carry this all around with you??" or "Do you get a lot of headaches?" Many also are positive they can give me a cut that allows me to wear my hair curly, and I let them try, and then, SHOCKER, I know my hair better, and when it comes time to style it, they are defeated, and my hair is the winner, and I look like a fool.

I have always had bad luck with hair cuts, but in the past two years, my luck took a nosedive. I had a stylist who was coming really close to understanding what I was asking for, even though she would not ever really give me what I asked for. Like when I asked for a swoopy side bang and she cut about four hairs one-inch shorter than the rest of my hair. Maybe she thought she knew better than I did and thought I would look bad in a bang? Whatever the reason, she kind of listened to what I said but then did what she wanted, but I walked out looking not-terrible anyway, so I dealt with it. 

Then I went to get my hair cut for the first time after having Josephine. I really needed some pampering. I wanted to feel good about myself again after feeling like a human burprag-slash-cow. I told her I wanted to keep the length because I was growing it out, but I needed to lighten it up with some layers so it wasn't so heavy. Here's what she heard: Cut eight inches off my hair, please.

And after she did it, what could I do? I smiled, thanked her for the cut, and then I left and sobbed all the way home. I waited almost an entire year to get it cut again. I know, gross. Very gross. I agree. I trimmed it myself a few times, then got up the courage to go for a cut.

Same deal. Another bad cut, I left crying, and put it in a ponytail and didn't take it down until a year later -- last weekend. I wanted my hair to look nice for a family wedding, so I decided to suck it up and go to another random place. I live in a new town now, and know nothing, and went on a recommendation and took the plunge.

I told her EVERY LAST DETAIL of my hair issues. I told her EXACTLY what I wanted done. I showed her pictures. I told her what I DIDN'T want. 

And ... she actually DESTROYED my hair. I am going to have to pull it back for a few months and then get it hacked off into a very short bob. I CAN'T EVEN SAVE IT BY CUTTING IT INTO A SHORT BOB!

She thinned my hair, which I thought was a good idea. Except she took out about 2/3 of my hair. I'm not even kidding. My old pony tail used to be larger than a half-dollar at the ponytail holder. Now it's smaller than a dime. What makes it worse, is with the hair she DID leave me, the top 2/3 is basically a very short UNEVEN bob (the layers on one side are about four inches shorter than the other side), and the bottom 1/3 of my hair is one length that reaches all the way down to the middle of my back. So ... kind of a uneven mullet? With a ponytail that now looks like a rat's tail because it is so thin?

She said all the right things before cutting and while she was cutting. It sounded like she knew what she was doing. But then she said she was going to style it curly. I should have known. I just should have known! And then. Oh my god. Then, after she scrunched for a half an hour, she got out a round brush and straightened the front two sections (!!!!) and teased up the FRONT of my hair and put a whole can of hairspray in!! I didn't even know how bad the haircut was until I got home and washed it, because the curls kind of hid the bad layers, but I ALREADY TOLD YOU I CAN'T WEAR MY HAIR CURLY BECAUSE IT IS AN ABOMINATION, so now what do I do? 

UGH!!! And NO, I will not be presenting you with a picture of this atrocity  There are enough reasons to laugh at me out there without adding fuel to the fire. 

Okay, I'll give you an MS Paint representation:

Who am I kidding? I'm being generous. It's worse in real life.

What I really want to know is, how do people do this? How do they just plop down on a chair and give their hair to people and trust they will not come out looking like a clown? HOW DO YOU DO IT? Because I don't think I'll ever be able to do it again. I have no idea how I will ever summon the courage to let someone touch my hair again.

And, after spending all the time I just spent writing that out, I realize I have no idea why I wrote it, other than to vent, and maybe so one of you out there will show up at my house and lovingly fix my hair. Or maybe so you can tell me a specific person who knows how to deal with horror hair in my area so I can go there and be revived? 

But no, I think I just wrote this so I could tell you about how I sobbed in the shower when I felt my rat tail. Oh, and maybe so if you have the same bad luck, you can imagine my new hairdo and laugh out loud and thank the sweet baby Jesus that your own hair isn't that bad. :)