Monday, October 15, 2012

I Got a Bad Haircut. I Got a B-A-D haircut.

I've always had hair troubles. I have extremely thick, heavy hair that is dual texture (some is wavy, some is kinky). I've spent my entire adult life either pulling it back or spending an hour or more straightening it (and praying for no rain or humidity). It's a pain. 

To top it all off, I have never found someone who understands my hair. I have had a few hair stylists come close, but they always leave it too heavy, or too pyramid-like, or give it too many layers or too few layers. Most also say things in a shocked voice, like "I have never ever seen such thick hair! Ever! In my whole life!" or "How do you carry this all around with you??" or "Do you get a lot of headaches?" Many also are positive they can give me a cut that allows me to wear my hair curly, and I let them try, and then, SHOCKER, I know my hair better, and when it comes time to style it, they are defeated, and my hair is the winner, and I look like a fool.

I have always had bad luck with hair cuts, but in the past two years, my luck took a nosedive. I had a stylist who was coming really close to understanding what I was asking for, even though she would not ever really give me what I asked for. Like when I asked for a swoopy side bang and she cut about four hairs one-inch shorter than the rest of my hair. Maybe she thought she knew better than I did and thought I would look bad in a bang? Whatever the reason, she kind of listened to what I said but then did what she wanted, but I walked out looking not-terrible anyway, so I dealt with it. 

Then I went to get my hair cut for the first time after having Josephine. I really needed some pampering. I wanted to feel good about myself again after feeling like a human burprag-slash-cow. I told her I wanted to keep the length because I was growing it out, but I needed to lighten it up with some layers so it wasn't so heavy. Here's what she heard: Cut eight inches off my hair, please.

And after she did it, what could I do? I smiled, thanked her for the cut, and then I left and sobbed all the way home. I waited almost an entire year to get it cut again. I know, gross. Very gross. I agree. I trimmed it myself a few times, then got up the courage to go for a cut.

Same deal. Another bad cut, I left crying, and put it in a ponytail and didn't take it down until a year later -- last weekend. I wanted my hair to look nice for a family wedding, so I decided to suck it up and go to another random place. I live in a new town now, and know nothing, and went on a recommendation and took the plunge.

I told her EVERY LAST DETAIL of my hair issues. I told her EXACTLY what I wanted done. I showed her pictures. I told her what I DIDN'T want. 

And ... she actually DESTROYED my hair. I am going to have to pull it back for a few months and then get it hacked off into a very short bob. I CAN'T EVEN SAVE IT BY CUTTING IT INTO A SHORT BOB!

She thinned my hair, which I thought was a good idea. Except she took out about 2/3 of my hair. I'm not even kidding. My old pony tail used to be larger than a half-dollar at the ponytail holder. Now it's smaller than a dime. What makes it worse, is with the hair she DID leave me, the top 2/3 is basically a very short UNEVEN bob (the layers on one side are about four inches shorter than the other side), and the bottom 1/3 of my hair is one length that reaches all the way down to the middle of my back. So ... kind of a uneven mullet? With a ponytail that now looks like a rat's tail because it is so thin?

She said all the right things before cutting and while she was cutting. It sounded like she knew what she was doing. But then she said she was going to style it curly. I should have known. I just should have known! And then. Oh my god. Then, after she scrunched for a half an hour, she got out a round brush and straightened the front two sections (!!!!) and teased up the FRONT of my hair and put a whole can of hairspray in!! I didn't even know how bad the haircut was until I got home and washed it, because the curls kind of hid the bad layers, but I ALREADY TOLD YOU I CAN'T WEAR MY HAIR CURLY BECAUSE IT IS AN ABOMINATION, so now what do I do? 

UGH!!! And NO, I will not be presenting you with a picture of this atrocity  There are enough reasons to laugh at me out there without adding fuel to the fire. 

Okay, I'll give you an MS Paint representation:



Who am I kidding? I'm being generous. It's worse in real life.

What I really want to know is, how do people do this? How do they just plop down on a chair and give their hair to people and trust they will not come out looking like a clown? HOW DO YOU DO IT? Because I don't think I'll ever be able to do it again. I have no idea how I will ever summon the courage to let someone touch my hair again.

And, after spending all the time I just spent writing that out, I realize I have no idea why I wrote it, other than to vent, and maybe so one of you out there will show up at my house and lovingly fix my hair. Or maybe so you can tell me a specific person who knows how to deal with horror hair in my area so I can go there and be revived? 

But no, I think I just wrote this so I could tell you about how I sobbed in the shower when I felt my rat tail. Oh, and maybe so if you have the same bad luck, you can imagine my new hairdo and laugh out loud and thank the sweet baby Jesus that your own hair isn't that bad. :)

19 comments:

  1. Ohhh, V, I'm so sorry. There's (almost) nothing worse than a bad haircut!! One of the girls I work with has a sister who's a stylist. She might be able to work with it. If it's too thin, maybe get extensions put in for now? I know nothing about extensions, but it seems like it would, at the very least, plump it back up? Maybe...possibly....hopefully...

    Eh, screw it. I'll bring you wine, and some scarves. We'll pretty that rat tail right up. Or drink wine and not care ;-)

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    1. I really like the wine suggestion. I'll let you stroke my rat tail if you come over.

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  2. First up, I want a real picture. Second, I found a lady through a friend who does EVERYONE's hair near me and she is apparently the best hair person ever. So I go to get my hair cut by her and it was AMAZING. I have super thick, wavy, curly, frizzy when it wants to be hair, and guess what? Layers are bad. Unless you know what you are doing, then they are amazing and perfect. It was an hour of hair cutting and her saying the entire time, "Where the fuck do you go? This is so bad. I mean, I can't even tell what they did. Holy shit. What's going on here?!". Yes. So... feel free to drive. This lady is worth it.

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    Replies
    1. Ha ha ha ... never. No pictures. I would drive, but somehow that doesn't seem sustainable.

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  3. Oh girl, I know what you mean. My hair's not quite that temperamental, but I understand what you're going through! In the last couple of years, my texture's evened out a little, but it's always been a nightmare to get cut... I've found a trick is telling them to cut your hair DRY. My hair always curls weirdest after it's cut, so if they cut it dry, it usually looks MUCH nicer. Lately I've even straightened my hair beforehand, given them a picture, and told them to cut my hair dry.

    However, if they just won't listen to what you're asking for, it is time to find a different stylist.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, I have no intentions of going back. Good advice on the dry cutting though. I am hearing that a lot. I guess I always thought it was a preference thing, not a skill thing. Who knew?

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  4. Im so sorry! I got a really bad haircut after I had my oldest. My hair is really thick and long, I was donating inches to locks of loves( my hair was really long). She ended up cutting 14 inches off ( Yes, I said 14 INCHES!) and ended up giving me a bob that I didn't know I was getting until after she cut all of my hair off. It was terrible!
    I hope your hair grows back fast, and you can find someone to at least fix it for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Um, hello, COMMUNICATION! I told this stylist this same story, as is had recently happened to me, and she was all spouting off about needing to communicate with your client ... and then she gave me a totally different hair cut than I asked for. Classic.

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  5. You don't have to show me a picture and you don't have to come to my stylist or anything, but I will tell you, you DO need to go back and talk to a manager or an owner and say, I WANT BACK ALL OF MY MONEY, BECAUSE I CRIED ALL OF MY TEARS OUT.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't even return things in stores. I will have to work up some courage. If I do it, I will chant in head "TJ said so, TJ said so!"

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  6. Up until a few weeks ago only two people had touched my hair EVER. The lady who cut my hair since my first haircut, and then her daughter who has been cutting my hair since I was in high school. Then she went on maternity leave and left me in the care of her business partner, who does her hair too. I was so freaked out, but thankfully she has watched last time my girl did my hair so she knew what she was doing. Still nerve wracking!

    My advice? Invest in some cute hats.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here's the worst part: My head is GINORMOUS and hats never fit!

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  7. Have you tried embracing your curl? I know you say you can't let it go curly...but maybe you can. Curly hair is not like straight hair, completely different in every way. Check out Deva Curl if you haven't. It's a whole new way of thinking about curly hair girls, a new approach to washing and conditioning and treatment all together. I know there are Deva Curl stylist at salons, people trained to understand curly hair. Good luck hiding your botched cut...invest in lots of fun hair ties until it grows out a little.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I have tried my damnedest to embrace the curl. Tried all the methods. My hair is just not curly *enough* and too big to pull it off. :(

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  8. ooooh no.

    I'm terrified of getting my hair cut. I go to a hairdresser to get my hair highlighted but always specify that they CAN'T CUT IT- not unless I've mentally prepared myself for the trauma, and EVEN THEN, I'm all "You can trim off one inch. One. ONE INCH AND NO LAYERS. NONE."

    ReplyDelete
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    1. With my hair, I need a "style" though, so I can't just get trims. Otherwise, I would be making Jeremy trim my hair for me. :)

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  9. we have similar hair, though I know yours is thicker. and I've been cutting it myself since high school. I've found that my hair benefits a lot from not having straight lines. I use a straight razor with a comb guard or I use dad's beard trimmer when I'm over there. I've also taken to straight up buzzing out chunks of hair that won't be noticed once the rest of my hair covers it. really lightens things up, but isn't so great if you opt for pony tails most of the time.
    if you want, I'll give yours a shot. and then if you hate it you can even take a picture of you choking me and put it on your blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds like a good idea all around. Win-win-win. :)

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  10. If you totally and absolutely hate it, try buzzing it off. I did last summer, and it was incredibly liberating and made life so easy! Also extremely short hair means you can show off awesome earrings!

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