At this point, I'm pretty sure if you google "Constant Vigilance," you get a picture of me looking crazy

In some ways, becoming a mom has calmed me down.  I realize that some things are just not as important as I thought they were.  Like, my floors do not need to be cleaned EVERY DAY.  (Pretend you didn't read that if you are someone who cleans your floors every day.)  And sometimes if you aren't leaving the house, make-up is a luxury, and what I've come to lovingly refer as "outdoor" pants aren't necessary for days at a time.  And that's okay, because I get to see this smile:

But in other ways, becoming a mother has actually made me even MORE neurotic than I was before procreating.  I really didn't think it was possible.


You want examples, you say?  Excellent.  Here are some:


1.  Now that the baby is in the car with me, driving is INSANELY HORRIFIC.  I used to be a confident driver.  Now if someone is in the lane next to me and they DARE get one inch closer to the center line (and by extension, putting their thousands of pounds of metal that much closer to my innocent baby), I lose it.  I talk to other drivers so much.  "Really?  REALLY?!?!? You're going to VEER over toward the center line?  Where do you think you're going?  NO, seriously! *HONK*  Get over!  Yeah, you, asshat!  I don't need your incompetence near my child!  *HONK HONK HOOOOOOOOOOONK*.  Yeah, that's right.  You change lanes and get away from me.  Well done."  


I feel like I'm doing a community service, really.  I mean, how will people learn if they aren't corrected, right?


2.  CONSTANT VIGILANCE has taken on a whole new meaning in my life. Remember how strange I was before the baby came?  I'm worse now.  If I hear a sound in the house and I am sure I didn't make it, here is what immediately goes through my mind: INTRUDER!!  MAIM KILL DESTROY! MUST PROTECT YOUNG ONE!!!!


Jeremy has made the mistake of approaching too quietly and I greet him with a fighting stance and a wild, guttural scream of someone who is bent on destruction.  He looks kind of scared when I do this.


3.  My imagination has become even more wild.  The other day I was sitting on the couch with Jeremy, pretending to watch a movie and actually watching Josephine on the baby monitor (sorry, husband) when I thought I saw something by her face.  What was the first thought to enter my mind? Something logical?  No, it was this:  OH MY GOD IT'S A SNAKE! THERE'S A SNAKE BY MY BABY'S FACE AND IT'S GOING TO OPEN ITS EVIL MOUTH AND CLAMP DOWN AND BITE HER AND OHMYGODASNAKEOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!

Then I leaned closer and realized it was just a piece of lint on the screen. Oops.  False alarm.  


Why I immediately assumed it was a snake and could actually visualize the snake biting my precious baby?  No idea.  Even more strange was the fact that I also immediately visualized grabbing the snake with my bare hands and killing it.  Number 1:  I don't kill animals.  Number 2:  I am so terrified of snakes that I seriously just peed my pants thinking about them (I'm not really serious though.)  (Or am I?)

What have we learned here?  Maybe nothing, except that if you don't know me in real life, you don't want to meet me, and if you DO already know me in real life ... maybe wait a few more months before visiting.  I need to get on some better meds.