Friday, September 30, 2011

It's unsettling, but I hit "publish" anyway.

I don't often come across merchandise bizarre enough to dedicate an entire post to ... okay, I take that back. I DID, in fact, make fun of dog butthole covers, pillows for lonely people, and the Booty Pop, but that's all I remember.

And don't go thinking I do this all willy nilly, like "Oh, that's a funny product! I'll just put a picture of it on the ol' blog and call it a day!" NO. The way you are representing me is inaccurate.

I come across weird stuff all the time and don't write about it. See?

Frames made out of RECYCLED ELEPHANT POOP. Seriously. Who thought of his? And who MAKES the frames? And who BUYS them? For the love of GOD, who buys them?!?

Anyway, back to the main point. I found something for you. Something that will leave those poo frames in the dust. Something so strange, so unsettling, that I was speechless. Only momentarily, but speechless nonetheless.

HARK. The Go Girl Female Urination Device.
But, "women can already GO to the bathroom," you say. "Why is a device necessary?"

Yes, yes they can. But, not STANDING UP. And that's where the "Go Girl Female Urination Device" comes in. Have you ever felt the strong desire or even NEED to pee standing up? Me neither. But apparently someone has.

According to the product details, "Go Girl is a simple, sanitary device made from germ-resistant medical-grade silicone that allows women the benefit of going to the bathroom standing up. The easy-to-use device is reusable or disposable and the small storage tube fits easily into a purse or backpack. Go Girl is for actvice, traveling and germ-conscious women who don't have access to a sit-down toilet or who don't want to use unfit facilities."

Okay, let me stop you right there. A few things:

1) "The benefit of going to the bathroom standing up"? There are benefits? Like what? Saving your knees from the strain of bending? I'll take my chances.
2) For women who "don't have access to a sit-down toilet"? SQUAT, honey. It's good for your thighs. You'll thank me later.
3) For women who "don't want to use unfit facilities"? A couple options here: hold it five minutes until you find another toilet, seat covers, or HOVER. Again, the hover move is good for the ol' muscles, and practically counts as cardio (I asked my doctor).
4) "Fits easily in a purse or backpack"? Ah, yes. I don't know how many times I've thought Man, I wish I could pee in something and then put that thing into my purse. The Go Girl team can read my mind.

You still want to pee in a funnel? Then I guess this is the one for you, since it is "made from medical grade silicone that conforms to your body."

Sweet Jesus.

Hey, you, person reading this: Is this one of the weirdest products you have ever seen, or am I just sheltered? Also, if you have similar bizarre finds, SHARE!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Book Review: Lunch Wars

Lunch Wars: How to Start a School Food Revolution and Win the Battle for Our Children's Health, by Amy Kalafa

In theory, I appreciate Amy Kalafa's Lunch Wars. As the subtitle explains, this book is a primer for parents who want to start a "Food Revolution" in schools. However, in reality, I didn't learn anything reading this book that I didn't already hear from Morgan Spurlock in Super Size Me or Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.

In addition, I had trouble with this book because it was as if two seemingly contradictory things were going on throughout the book. Even while I was thinking it was bogged down with fact after fact after fact, laced with statistics, with little to no analysis for balance, at the same time I caught myself thinking many of the ideas were awfully vague. For example, under the heading "What You Can Do to Influence Federal Policy" was "Every citizen has one representative and two senators working for you in Washington, D.C. They need to hear from all of us when issues affecting our children's health come up in Congress." I don't think it's just because I am the type of person who is in constant contact with my representatives and senators to ensure they know how I want they to vote; that is just not specific or exciting.   

I appreciate the effort, as it is over 300 pages of facts and figures, and I can only imagine what a labor of love it was, but it just wasn't for me. If you are new to this arena, or if you are an Angry Parent who wants to take on the school system, then this will likely be a book you want to have in your arsenal.

If you want to read more opinions, head HERE.

This is a compensated review of Amy Kalafa's Lunch Wars for the BlogHer Book Club, but all opinions expressed are my own.*

*I think you probably already guessed this, since I said I didn't like the book, but ... you know. Gotta cover your bases.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XV

The three of us are at the dinner table, when suddenly Josephine starts sassing and pointing frantically. Jeremy finally realizes she is pointing at her empty bowl that I removed from her tray, so we give it to her and she is in heaven.

Veronica: Life is good when you have a bowl.
Jeremy: That would totally be her facebook status.
Veronica: *Chokes on spaghetti while laughing*
Jeremy: Seriously, I think this is a good activity. We should start thinking of Josie statuses.
Veronica: Oh dear.
Jeremy: "I just took a dump in my pants and someone else had to clean it up! LOL!"
Veronica: Gross.
Jeremy: "Mom made me take a nap today. Sad face."
Veronica: That's pretty accurate ...
Jeremy: "Mom wouldn't let me smack the cat! WTF?!?!"
Veronica: *dies*

P.S. For my sister Victoria, and all others who might be concerned: NO. We are not making a facebook page for our one-year-old. No worries.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Even though she had a baby with Scott, I still think she's the smartest person on that show, don't you?

I was having a bad day yesterday. A really bad day. Someone -- I'm not going to mention any names here -- forgot he needed to come home from work a half an hour early so I could get to an important meeting on time. By the time he got home, I was running VERY late and freaking out. THEN, I got stuck behind a line of 15-20 vehicles that were all stuck behind a huge construction vehicle, so for the last ten miles I was going 30 miles per hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. GUH!! Then, THEN, just when I thought I couldn't feel any more stabby, as I glanced in the mirror to make sure my rage hadn't ruined my make-up, I saw a HUGE WHITE HAIR, hanging right down in my face. 

That was the last straw. I was in full oh-woe-is-me mode.

Here's where things got zany. Out of nowhere, I heard Kourtney Kardashian's voice. (That doesn't ever happen to you? Strange.)

Yes, this Kourtney Kardashian.

In a recent episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim's fiancee threw her in the ocean in Bora Bora and one of her humongous diamond earrings fell to the bottom of the sea. While she cried about it, her sister Kourtney scolded, "People are starving, Kim."


And she was so right. I know, I know, you assumed you couldn't learn anything from Reality TV, but you were wrong. My problems are nothing compared to those of others.

Although ... it's not like I'm necessarily in a position where losing a diamond earring is NBD because I have 50 bajillion dollars and can go buy diamond earrings for every person I've ever met without batting an eye. So, I mean ... I guess that "your problems are not as bad as other people's" argument really applies to her more. 

But wait, WAIT. I figured it out again. Here's why I have things to be grateful for even though I am poor and have never been to Bora Bora: I don't have an ugly fiancee who has the same name as my mother (Ick. Just ick.) who throws me into large bodies of water when I beg him not to, PLUS I didn't make a sex tape with an ugly man who pretends to be able to sing. 

Got you there, Kim! I'll just sit here, poor as we may be, with my handsome husband who has never thrown me into an ocean against my will and doesn't lose my jewelry. I may have a white hair and road rage, but people don't make fun of my butt on TV every day. Life is good.

That's not all Reality TV has taught me. Check it:

From Sixteen and Pregnant and Teen Mom, I learned to not let a teenage boy impregnate me (check and CHECK.)
From 19 Kids and Counting, I learned to avoid ... well, you know. Millions of kids.
From Sister Wives, I learned to not marry a man with a Sammy Hagar haircut.
From Rock of Love, I learned if you ever see Brett Michaels, RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. 
From Flavor of Love, I learned if you ever see Flavor Flav, get him to record the outgoing message on your cell phone. That shit will NEVER not be funny.

And that, my friends, is why Reality TV is the shiz.

What have you learned from Reality TV?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XIV: More Evidence My Husband is the Man of My Dreams

He leaves me warning notes.*

He totally gets me. While he does tease me about thinking everything and everyone is a murderer, he realizes it is a part of me. What a fella.

*Clarification: I am not THAT crazy that I need to be reminded about everyday occurrences like postal workers coming to my home. This was a scheduled special delivery, and I don't get many visitors. Therefore, a knock on the door would have been likely to set off my "I don't want to get murdered today" warning bells.**

**Also, who's 29 years murder-free? YUP. This gal *Victory fist pump*

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

New Name.

Welp ... it's my 300th post. When I realized it was coming up, I panicked a little bit and didn't post for a while, because what should one write for a 300th post? And for that matter, what should one write for the 299th post? Oh boy. Stomach churning, acid-y taste in mouth, fears surfacing.

I had some things planned, and they fell through. THEN, I realized ... no one cares about this except me. Huh. Okay then. Thanks a lot, you jerks. So, I decided to do something I have been wanting to do for a long time and was never sure about: I'm changing my name.

You see, when I started this blog on a whim, I logged on to blogger, entered my e-mail address, and they said, "Great! You now have a blog! What will you name it?" Being the impatient person I am, wanting to start writing and not anticipating an audience, I put in a title that reflected how I was feeling about myself that day: Chunky Monkey. 

Now, I'm sure you never noticed this, but this particular title is also in use elsewhere in popular culture. I didn't really think about it or care when I started writing, but then people ACTUALLY started reading it (I did NOT see that coming), and I always wondered if it was a bad thing to share a title with a copyrighted name. But then I was scared to change my name, because three whole people on the Internet read what I say, and will they be confused? Will they still be able to find me in the vast and tangled webs of the Interweb?

Then I told Jeremy I wanted to change it, and he was like, it won't be a big deal. Just do it.

So I AM. And I did.

Good-bye, Chunky Monkey, my dear old friend.

Get ready for post number 301. I bet it will be a doozy.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Making an Effort Monday: Mexicali Casserole

In an effort to make more of the things I love -- good food, pretty things, and organized spaces -- I bring you Making An Effort Monday!  It's not a huge effort, but it's an effort nonetheless!

I've got a good recipe for you folks today. I decided to try this recipe based on the picture and name alone, and thankfully, I wasn't disappointed.

I was a little nervous at the lack of ingredients once I perused the recipe (as I was about to make it. ... heh.), so I added some spices to give it a little more zing, but other than that, the few simple ingredients actually did a fantastic job of making a meal. As usual, I also substituted ground turkey for ground beef, and made a few other changes to the original recipe. Without further ado, I give you:

Mexicali Casserole

1 lb. ground turkey
(Optional) Spices for meat: roughly 1/2 Tablespoon of chili powder; 1/4 teaspoon cumin, cilantro, and oregano; and generous dashes of black pepper, cayenne pepper, and salt
1 15-oz. can diced tomatoes with green chiles
1 1/2 cups whole kernel corn
1/2 cup Mexican-blend grated cheese
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup yellow cornmeal
2 Tablespoons sugar
1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
1 egg, beaten
2/3 cups milk
2 Tablespoons cooking oil
1/2 teaspoon salt

1.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Add cumin, chili powder, black pepper, cayenne pepper, salt, cilantro, and oregano to the ground turkey (optional) and brown the turkey. Stir in undrained tomatoes and corn; heat through. Transfer to greased 2-quart baking dish.
2.  In a medium bowl, combine flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Stir in beaten egg, milk, and oil. Spread evenly over meat/tomato/corn mixture. Sprinkle with cheese.
3.  Bake, uncovered, for 30 minutes or until cornbread topping is set. Let sit 5 minutes before serving.

I added fresh tomato, fresh jalapeno, and sour cream to mine, but that's just because I love toppings and love having the problem of having too many fresh tomatoes in the house (ahhh ... summer).  Jeremy said it is delicious without the toppings and a "nice combination of spicy and sweet." Well said, husband.

Please do enjoy your Monday, and enjoy the dish if you make it yourself. If you made any efforts this week, feel free to brag about them in the comments! (Hardly anyone ever does this, and it would make my bitter heart swell three sizes if you did. Consider it?)

Friday, September 2, 2011

Strangeness in My Twitter-verse (it's a word)

It seems that someone on Andrew Zimmern's team has made an error, because I got this in my inbox Monday morning:

Ummm ... what? This guy is following me on Twitter?

Perhaps he saw some of my recent tweets and wanted more:

I thought I was highlighting the lameness of my Twitter existence, but you know what? I like it. All of it. And Andrew Zimmern does too, so if you don't think I'm cool enough to follow on Twitter, you can SUCK IT.

(I'm gonna feel really stupid when someone catches the error and he un-follows me.)

(Who am I kidding? That would never happen.)

(Who am I kidding? It probably already did.)

(I just checked. It's been five days and he's still there. Let's ride this out!)
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