Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thankfully, My Skin Never Turns Green

The awesomest (totally a word) thing happened today.

We went to see Paranormal Activity and we were the ONLY ONES IN THE THEATER!!!! (Paranormal Activity was pretty good too, but it paled in comparison to this wonder.)

I mean, seriously, how often does this happen?  Granted, it was 2:50 on a Monday, but still.  This theater is always pretty packed, not matter the day or time.  So when we walked in before the previews started and it was still empty, I wasn't really holding my breath that it would stay that way, but it did, it DID!

I was in heaven.  Let me tell you.  I have ... this thing.  Hmm, how can I put this?  Well, I am sensitive and picky and become a total raging bitch at times.  One particular scenario in which I rapidly transform from the mild-mannered-Veronica to the screaming, cursing, enraged-Hulk-Veronica is when I am in a public place (especially one where I have PAID for admission) and people are being loud, rude, or otherwise distracting.  I have no patience for it whatsoever.  Several people will attest to this fact, and to those of you, I say, KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO YOURSELF.  Especially if I am in a movie theater at the time.

I know I am unusally crabby, but seriously, is it so ridiculous to think that I bought a ticket to SEE THE MOVIE and not to hear tween Morgan flirt with tween Taylor, or hear Ethel explain to Frank what just happened, or have my eyes pulled away from the screen by an uber-bright cell phone because little Emma can't make it through the movie without texting all her BFFs?  Is it that absurd?  I don't think so.  Why would I pay $7.50 for that crap?  I could just go to a mall food court and get all that garbage for free if I was hard up for foolishness.

At least when I am teaching I can give the evil eye.  Works like a charm in the classroom.  In a dark theater?  Not so much.  Plus, I am guessing my evil looks, "ahem"s, and waiting for silence while staring at the offenders only really works when you have something the people want, like grades.  I wish I could grade people in movie theaters.  "F"s as far as the eye can see!!

So here's the real problem.  Now I feel like I can never go back.  Now that I have tasted the sweet fruit that is a quiet theater, I have a bad feeling that every theater after this is going to be even more infuriating.  As soon as someone shrugs off their jacket, my head will explode.

Possible solutions: 
1)  Force Jeremy to buy out every film I wish to see in the theater (sounds feasible)
2)  Never go to the movies again (even less likely to happen than the above)
3)  Film a scary warning that plays before every film, a la Inglorious Basterds (sounds pricey)
4)  Take lots of pills before every outing (sounds even pricer)
5)  Ummm ... get angry? 

I pity the next person who answers their phone in a theater.  HULK ANGRY!!!


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