The first story is quite a doozy. I've been holding on to this little gem for a long time. So, there's this judge. And one day he starts handing out acorns to women on the street. But there was something inside those acorns. Ummm ...
This is not a joke. A man shoved condoms inside acorns and then handed them out to random women. AND he was a judge in INTERCOURSE, Pennsylvania. Wait. Maybe it's BECAUSE he's from Intercourse. Public service announcement?
Then there was the guy who single-handedly implanted "Pants on the Ground" into my head, where it has been stuck for DAYS. Do you hate seeing teens with their pants sagging? A 45-year-old in Memphis REALLY does. When he spotted a 17-year-old with his pants on the ground, he shouted at him to pull his pants up. When his request was ignored, he did what anyone would do: shot him in the back.
I mean, I see people wearing things all the time that make me think they deserve to be shot (Not really. I would never ACTUALLY shoot you, lady whose stretch pants are being swallowed up by her ... places ... and is kindly sharing her c-section scar with the world.), but this guy takes fashion very seriously. Maybe when he gets out of prison he can join Stacy and Clinton on What Not to Wear.
Do you owe your father-in-law money? That is quite a gamble you're taking there, mister. If you refuse to pay him back, he might kidnap you and when you don't have money for ransom, he will demand your XBOX 360 as payment. Note to self: Tell in-laws I do not, in fact have a laptop and instead write this blog at the public library.
In perhaps my favorite story in recent history, a 13-year-old boy was arrested for possession of a SHARPIE. Apparently graffiti was a big enough problem that Oklahoma City passed a law making possession of spray paint or Sharpies an arrestable offense. So, when this kid's teacher saw that he DARED to use a Sharpie in her math class, she called the cops and had him arrested. She stated she was mad because he didn't seem to care about the possibility that his marker could bleed through onto the desk. It's a good thing she had him arrested before THAT could happen.
The kicker? One of the pages she "likes" on facebook? Yeah, the official Sharpie Permanent Marker page.
And, last but not least, the "biggest mafia round-up in history." "Why is that bizarre?" you might ask. Great question. Thanks for asking. Here's why: Because there's NO SUCH THING AS THE MAFIA. And you'd do well to remember that. The Cosa Nostra is a MYTH. Capice?