Monday, February 7, 2011

In Which I Lose Any Followers Who Might Be Pageant Parents

While watching Toddlers and Tiaras and folding laundry right before bed, Jeremy is sitting next to me, entertaining Josie.  As far as I know, he is ignoring Toddlers and Tiaras, as usual, since he hates it with every ounce of his being.  What follows is a (paraphrased version of a) discussion that transpired:

Jeremy:  Wait, wait, wait.  Wait WAIT WAIT.
Veronica:  Um, YES?
Jeremy:  Did she just say that the entry fee for that pageant was $1,800??
Veronica: Yeah.
Jeremy:  PER kid?
Veronica:  Yeah, pretty crazy, right?
Jeremy:  No, what's crazy is that WE are suckers with stupid jobs that destroy our souls when we could be raking it in with pageants!  We could totally do this!  Oh my god ... just think of all the money we would make!!
Veronica:  Yeah, and  we wouldn't really have to invest that much.
Jeremy:  How much would we have to spend?  The cash prizes are always really low, like $500, right?
Veronica:  I thought you didn't watch this show.
Jeremy:  I DON'T
Veronica:  Right.  Well, one cash prize and a few cheap-o crowns and sashes.  A thousand bucks?
Jeremy:  Oh my god!  No wonder there are pageants!  They're a gold mine!  We are SOOO doing this.
Veronica:  Yeah, and I could be the pageant director.
Jeremy:  Seriously.  If we had 50 girls and charged them $1,500 each ...
Veronica:  I think my name should be Shandy.
Jeremy: ... then that's $75,000!
Veronica:  Should I go blonde as Shandy?
Jeremy:  Veronica!  $75,00 for working ONE day of our lives!
Veronica:  No, I think Shandy is proving that brunettes do it better.  Yeah.  I like that.  What would your name be?
Jeremy:  My name?  Why would I need a name?
Veronica:  I don't think an emcee at a beauty pageant would have a name like Jeremy.  Sorry.  That's just the world we live in.
Jeremy:  I would NEVER be an emcee at a child beauty pageant!  I'm not a PEDOPHILE!!
Veronica:  Dude, I'm fully aware you're not a pedophile.  But I thought you were invested in this money-making scheme.  
Jeremy:  Yeah, I'm the BRAINS behind the operation.
Veronica:  I'm thinking "Victor."  
Jeremy:  Veronica.  Stop it.  Listen to my side of the conversation.  I'm not going to be AT the pageant.  Just scheming ways to make more money at it.
Veronica:  Okay, Victor.  But I think you should dye your hair black and get a pencil mustache.
Jeremy:  Veronica.  Focus.
Veronica:  You know, on one of those episodes, a director left before it was over and just took off with all the money and never gave out prizes.  I bet she made out pretty well.
Jeremy:  Holy shit.  You can DO that?
Veronica:  Well, I don't think it's legal.  Or moral ...
Jeremy:  [interrupting] Just imagine if we had 150 girls and charged them $1,800 a piece!  That would be ... $270,000!!!
Veronica:  Wow.  I had no idea how great you were at mental math.
Jeremy:  I can do a lot of things when I'm trying to secure our financial future.
Veronica:  But if they got there and didn't see a table of crowns and shit, they might get a little suspicious.
Jeremy:  Okay, okay.  So we invest in some props and then repeat this scam in a few cities.  BOOM.  Totally worth it.
Veronica:  But I think we can also make more if we make it look a little more realistic.  What if we had some of our siblings step in as the make-up artists and hairstylists and force all the contestants to use them?  Oooh, and we could have one of them be a "consultant" who charges for a pre-pageant session?  Okay, Shandy is really getting into this now.  
Jeremy:  Think, Shandy!  You wanna share our cash with other people??  GUH!  You want us to be poor forever, don't you?
Veronica:  Well, then I guess YOU'LL have to be the consultant.  Hmmm.  What would your name be?
Jeremy:  Okay, forget the whole thing.
Veronica:  Sebastian!
Jeremy:  I'm going to bed.
Veronica:  Perry?


  1. Sign me up. I'll work the sign in table. You can call me Lucinda Mae.

  2. That is fantastic! One day you'll have to hide a mini tape recorder and actually catch one of these conversations for us to hear :)

  3. I want to be the creepy announcer person! I have big boobs and can make my hair big if needed. And my name will be Dainty Louisa!


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