Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XVI: Fountain of Youth

Jeremy: Ummmm ... Veronica? VERONICA? VER-ON-I-CA??!?!?!

Veronica: Dude, I'm like five feet away. What?

Jeremy: Do you, perchance, have any idea what happened to my bottle of water from the fountain of youth?

Veronica: Oh, shoot, I saw it on the floor next to my bed this morning after I was getting ready, so I guess Josephine must have grabbed it off your nightstand. Sorry.

Jeremy: Yes, wife. I found it on the floor. But what of the LABEL that used to be affixed to the bottle?

Veronica: Oh ... oh dear. Is the label gone?

What the bottle used to look like ...
What the bottle looks like now.

Jeremy: Yes. yes it is. Which means you let our daughter eat a label off my fountain of youth water.

Veronica: Well, I'll watch her diapers, but I'm not gonna lie -- it's not the first paper she's eaten, and it never seems to bother her.

Jeremy: That's not the point.

Veronica: YOU'RE the one who told me you used to be obsessed with eating paper when you were little! She obviously got it from you! I'm sure it didn't hurt her! I'm SORRY! I'll go google "Help! My kid ate paper!" right now if that's what you want!

Jeremy: VERONICA -- I was going to drink that water on my deathbed, and now that the label has been removed, the provenance is DESTROYED.

Veronica: *laughing hysterically*

Jeremy: Not funny.

Veronica: I know, but ... *gasp* I'm just picturing you asking for the water on your deathbed.

Jeremy: Why do you think I bought it?

Veronica: Okay, okay. I'm trying to move past the fact that you want to drink fountain of youth water on your deathbed, but why do you care about the provenance if that's your purpose for owning it? If its only purpose is to revive you from death, then who cares if other people know if it's "authentic"?

Jeremy: Because, DARLING, when I'm laying there dying, and I reach out my feeble hand and croak out my request for the fountain of youth water, who knows what water someone will hand me? "Oh, this water? THIS water? Or is it maybe THIS water you want? Which one do you want, sir?"

Veronica: Don't worry, I'll still be alive, so I'll know which bottle of water you want.

Jeremy: You better hope so.

*Long, dramatic pause*

Jeremy: It's the only thing I ever wanted. *walks away*


After writing this, I went back and re-read the 15 previous installments of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, and, I've gotta say: BRAVO, Jeremy, I had forgotten about a lot of those. He's a funny man. Want proof? Click HERE.


  1. LOL you're much nicer than me, I would've told him he should have kept it in a safe or something if it was that important. I mean, what about the potential for natural disasters destroying the bottle? :)

  2. You could always write "Fountain of Youth Water" on the bottle with a Sharpie. Which might make him even more annoyed, and that would be half the fun of it.

  3. Lisa -- I was certainly thinking that life-saving miracle water should be kept in a safe place. Call me crazy.

  4. Erin -- I laughed and cringed at the same time when reading your suggestion. He would probably cry ... for a long time.


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