Thursday, October 27, 2011

Murder Clubs (It's not what you think)

Golf isn't Jeremy's favorite sport or anything, but pretty much every one of his close friends and male relatives love to golf and ask him to do so often. Last month, after he was asked to golf three weekends in a row, he thought maybe he should break down and buy some clubs. 

Not new clubs because PUH-LEASE. I could buy Josephine ten complete outfits, five pairs of shoes, two safety gates, and that white noise machine for her room I've had my eye on. And maybe more, because, to be honest, I have no idea what golf clubs cost. I just know they are more than a hundred dollars and less than a million. So, used clubs it was. He hit the Craigslist, and found a set that looked good for super cheap, so away we went for a fun little family drive.

Veronica: Huh, we're really out in the middle of nowhere.

Jeremy: Yeah ... (*acting evasive and refusing to make eye contact*)

Veronica: I literally have no idea where we are right now.

Jeremy: Hmm mmm ...

Veronica: Your voice sounds strange. And why are you giving me that suspicious-looking side eye? OH MY GOD. A dirt road? WOODS? 

Jeremy: Okay, settle, settle. Seriously, I --

Veronica: I have not seen a house in a mile. A MILE, Jeremy.

Jeremy: Right? Nice little country area, huh? (*nervous throat-clearing*)

Veronica: SHUT UP. This person is a CRAIGSLIST KILLER, and we are getting lured into his den of MURDER! Turn around!

Jeremy: Oh Jesus. I knew it. I just knew it. When we get home I'm calling Comcast to get rid of the Lifetime Movie Network.

Veronica: Jeremy, I don't even WATCH LMN!

Jeremy: Then how do you know the acronym?

Veronica: Because I watch LIFETIME and they have commercials for the LMN.

Jeremy: Well, then maybe you shouldn't watch Lifetime.

Veronica: Very funny. I will never give up my Project Runway. And it's just a show about SEWING and FASHION, not murder-y things. So there.

Jeremy: Sewing. Fashion. Those are fun topics. So who do you think will win Project Runway this season?

Veronica: Nice try. TURN AROUND.

Jeremy: Listen, this is his driveway. It doesn't look like a murder's driveway to me ... uh oh.

Veronica: This driveway is two miles long, MINIMUM. And the trees are dense, Jeremy. Dense. No one would see or hear a murder, that's for sure.

Jeremy: Okay, well, even if this is a murder house, I bet he wouldn't kill me in front of a witness.

Veronica: Are you kidding me?!?! He'll kill all of us! All because you thought you were so fancy you needed golf clubs. Talk about selfish.

Jeremy: Lower your voice! He's like twenty feet away!


Jeremy: Shhhhhhhh! (*getting out of car*)

Veronica: Tell him your wife would join your, but she's busy polishing her gun!

Jeremy: (*slams car door*)

Veronica: TELL HIM!

*** Jeremy talks to guy. Veronica holds phone high in air and stares at guy (you know, so he knows she could call the cops at the drop of a hat). ***

(*Getting back in car*) ohmygodohmygodohmygod ... keep smiling ... don't freak out ... ohmygodohmygod.

Veronica: WHAT???

Jeremy: Wait until we get out of his eyesight. Keep smiling. Keep smiling. Everything is peachy keen.

Veronica: You are freaking me OUT, man. This better not be a joke.

Jeremy: Okay. Get this. I was making small talk because I wanted him to like me so I could haggle a bit on the price, and he was all, "You know, you're the only person who called." and I was like, "Oh, really?" and he said, "Yeah, I was originally asking more, and no one called, so I lowered the price, but I just want to get rid of them. I've had them in my garage forever, and I don't use them." so I said, "Oh yeah?" just to be nice, and then HE said, "They were my dad's but he and my mom were murdered 15 years ago and they've been in my garage ever since."

Veronica: No. NO. NO!!!!  NONONONO!!! I KNEW it! I told you! He murdered his parents!

Jeremy: I know!

Veronica: And he was planning on murdering YOU!

Jeremy: I know!

Veronica: Wait ... when he said "he and my mom were murdered 15 years ago and they've been in my garage ever since" ... was he talking about the clubs ... or his parents?

Jeremy: Sweet Jesus.


His first trip out with the clubs was less-than-stellar, but Jeremy figures, he can always blame his bad games on the fact that he was using MURDER clubs.

P.S. I swear on the life of Ron Swanson that this story is true. Just ask Jeremy or Josephine.

P.P.S. I told Jeremy he should write something on the blog soon, and he told me over dinner he has an awesome idea, so hold onto your panties, dear readers. Jer is coming to town.


  1. What if he murdered them WITH the clubs? You better spritz those suckers down with some Luminol, stat.

    Also, why would he volunteer that his folks were murdered? Why not just say they died? Why volunteer any of that information at all?

    I think you should Google his parents' murder and find out if they were killed with golf clubs and if the killer was found,then report back. Cuz I'm crazy curious.

  2. craigslist deals/stories are the best.

  3. Funnily enough, Alan gave someone his golf clubs for free last night. He actually met the guy at the golf course and they got to talking, and he needed clubs for his son. The son is a lefty, so they were having trouble finding them. Alan is a lefty too, so he gave the clubs to the guy, and when Alan left to drop them off, I was thinking this: "What if he doesn't come back?" IT'S NOT JUST YOU!

  4. I seriously hope the clubs aren't haunted and you don't start seeing ghosts.

  5. Erin - yes, why DID he offer up that information?? WHY??

    I will ask Jeremy to go back and figure out the guy's name, but, to be honest ... I don't want to know!

  6. Vic - have you bought any murder items off of Craigslist? Is you sewing machine haunted??

  7. Alan just GAVE his clubs away? I bet the person getting them thought HE was a murderer! ;)

  8. Kristina -- oh, I already see ghosts all the time. :)


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