Friday, April 27, 2012

Business Trips, Runny Noses, and How to Sleep in a Bed

You guys. YOU GUYS. Jeremy just got home from being out of state for work for three days, and OH MY GOD. How do people DO this? 

It was also just bad timing since I am still sick, and therefore, pretty sluggish and whatnot, and Josie is still hanging on to her runny nose (no other complaints, though, thank goodness!), so we were pretty much stuck in the house the entire time. The ENTIRE TIME. It certainly would have helped break up the days to have fun-tivities and adventures to head out on, but it was just cold enough, combined with her still-runny nose making me nervous about her immuno-compromised state, that I didn't want her to be outside much. If she got really sick again just because I wanted to take her to the park to burn off energy? Come on. Stab me in the heart now and get it over with. PLUS, we couldn't really go anywhere with other kids, because I didn't want to be That Mom who brings a kid covered in snot to play with other kids. It's not a desirable trait in a playmate for your toddler.

So, we stayed in the house for the past three days. Alone. Yikes. You'll notice that I didn't whine about this pre-emptively: Oh, woe is me! My husband is going to be out of town for three days! SOB! Nope. Not on the blog, not on facebook, not on Twitter. I stayed strong. Since I've amassed such a following in all three arenas, it would have just been an invitation for pervs or stalkers or thieves. Fooled ya, buttheads. Now if you try to come do something pervy or stalkery or theivy, my husband isn't out of town anymore! BURN.

I was worried about being all alone because I am pregnant and sick and thought (knew) I would be exhausted after three days of doing it alone, but I think it was the emotional aspect that made it the most draining. There were really only a few things that I *had* to add to my daily to-do list, and it really only extended my work after putting Josie down for the night by about an hour, so you know, do-able (especially if a few things that weren't crucial to our survival got put on the back-burner), but not having him come home and sit down and eat dinner with us, and talk to us, and play with Josie after dinner, and do the bath stuff while I clean the house, and then hang out with me on the couch after the Bean is in bed? Killer. Absolute killer.

Yes, I know that people have lives like this. Some spouses travel on the regular or are deployed or are long-haul truckers, but I SPECIFICALLY forbade Jeremy from having a "being-gone-is-a-regular-part-of-my-job" job long before we were married. He graciously accepted these terms and then told me I couldn't become any crazier than I already was. 

THE JOKE WAS ON HIM, INTERNET. I get a little crazier every day.

Anyway, in my desperate attempt to try to find one tiny little nugget of acceptable-ness in the situation, I did manage to find ONE upside to being the only adult in the house. It in NO way makes up for all the ten million bad things on the list, but man, it is a pretty good thing.

Have you ever slept diagonally across a king-sized bed? Heaven. Best thing ever. Here, let me illustrate this thing that you could likely easily imagine yourself:

Wow. This rendering is shockingly accurate in terms of my delicate willowy build and gentle bump of a stomach. And bald head. I am truly an artist. I am also, of course, reminded of the Attack of the Night Farts artwork. 
Wait, I just clicked over and looked at it. That shit is WAY better than this. I feel very failure-ish now.

I started doing this last time I was pregnant, when I could take naps during the day (ha. HA. HAHAHA. Isn't that hilARIOUS?). When Jeremy happened upon me once, he teased me for weeks. But then a few months later I caught him waking up from a diagonal nap, and he muttered "best thing ever." 

You got that right, dude. 

So, while I don't recommend having a partner who is gone for long stretches of time, for those of you who have to endure the situation, may I suggest the diagonal sleep? It won't give you another adult around the house to help raise your kids or someone to have an adult conversation with, or you know, all the other benefits of having the person you love in the house, but hell, it's something.

Trust me. You'll thank me later.


  1. LOL!!! You always crack me up. :) Glad you survived the 3 days. I hate it when my husband goes out of town. He's been gone 2 weeks before to TX for work. Boo. LOVE the diagonal sleep. I'm able to do it now for naps during the day since my mother is here till after Baby comes to help with the kiddos. Hooray!

    P.S. I have a huge dislike for kids at the park covered in snot. ;)

    1. Thanks, Mama! 2 weeks? BOO to that. But yay that your mom is on town! Lucky lady! Enjoy the naps; you need/deserve them!

      P.S. I know, right? I feel lucky every day that I wake up and my kid isn't sick, so when a sick one comes near us, I feel like exploding!

  2. I'm thinking of a nap right now! I feel as if a sick kiddo should have some sort of beakon on them to let others know they're sick and stay away! Like hmmm.....their ears glow green or something. I wish I could invent that.

    1. Oh man. Why don't you send your mom over here next so I can take some naps? :)


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