Did you have enough time for that to sink in? No? Okay, I'll repeat it. A terrible, evil, rude fat man pushed my pregnant belly into a stone wall.
The day was Friday, and the place was the Smokey Bones restaurant in Lansing. My dad had just gotten out of a meeting, and we got to the restaurant right in the middle of the 6 o'clock rush. The place was packed to the gills, and we were looking at a 45-minute wait. I was feeling very claustrophobic in the waiting area, so my mom and I moved behind the hostess stand and stood up against the wall to be out of the way.
I have provided a 100% realistic rendering of this night so you can accurately imagine this scenario.
Also, please be assured that this is an ACCURATE representation of the restaurant and the placement of people within it. I ran it by two hostesses, a waiter, and they original architect, and they all stated the dimensions were exact. So, don't worry about that.
As you can see, there were tons of people, so I moved to a place where there were NOT a lot of people, and I was not in anyone's way. You will see how much space is in between myself and the lovely fake fireplace. A very large walkway, I would say.
However, a large, mean, stupid-looking gentlemen, who had just gotten done yelling at the hostess for not being seated quickly enough (because THAT always helps, right?) began walking past me on the way to the bar. Instead of walking PAST me, at the last minute he SHOVED me. Like, he used his hands as well as his large body. Because I was looking at the dining area and talking to my mom about how full it was, I did not see him coming. Also, because I was facing the wall, my stomach smashed into it.
I was stunned. I could not, seriously, could NOT believe what had just happened. I spun around to get a look at the suspect, but by then, he was already getting his comeuppance.
The moment his ham-sized (and probably booger-covered) hands had smashed into me for NO REASON, the bartender LEAPED over the bar, ran up to him, and karate chopped him in the neck. The jerk man immediately fell to the floor. "Why?" the mean man whimpered in a baby voice.
"Did you just push that amazingly gorgeous pregnant woman?" the bartender shouted in his face with his foot on his chest, holding him to the ground. "Yeah. So what?" the asshat replied.
BIG mistake. Before the bartender even had time to respond, I shouted out the secret signal, and my legion of ninjas moved in with the speed of ... well, ninjas. While they began beating the crap out of the lady pusher, my father and husband came running out of the bathroom.
"What's going on??!?" my husband shouted. "My spidey-sense told me that something was wrong. That man on the ground. He hurt you, didn't he?" The rage quickly filled the eyes of my husband and father, but I held them back. "Don't bother," I calmly replied. "No need to get your hands dirty." And, indeed, when they looked over, the ninjas had already taken care of the evil man.
The owner of the restaurant then came over and told the man that evil idiots were not welcome in his restaurant, and threw him out into the cold, where he lay, broken and bleeding, until the police came and took him away.
What really happened:
I gave the mean man a dirty look.
Then, I made sure to keep an eye on him the rest of the 45-minute wait. I gave him the evil eye any time he dared meet my eyeline. I also made note of the fact that he yelled at the hostess three more times, and then WE got seated before him, despite the fact that he was there before us and we had the same size parties.
So, even though my ninjas, the bartender, my father and my husband didn't dole out any vigilante justice, he got his. Beware, jerks of the world: Being rude will NOT get you ahead in life.