Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XII

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.

SCENE:  IN BED.  JEREMY IS SLEEPING.  I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE OF MY @#($*@*! SINUS INFECTION.
Me: *COUGH* (partially muffled, trying to be as quiet as possible)
Jeremy:  *In one motion, flips to face me, and jumps up into a crouching position on the bed, arms out in front of him* WHAT?!?!?!
Me:  I was coughing.  Sorry.
Jeremy:  I thought there was danger!
Me:  Yeah.  You jumped up like Spiderman.
Jeremy:  *Laying back down, rolling over, closing eyes*  Yeah.  That's just a little bonus for ya.


SCENE:  WATCHING TV.  AN OLD NAVY COMMERCIAL COMES ON ADVERTISING THESE SHORTS:

Jeremy:  UGH!  What is wrong with those shorts???
Me:  Huh?
Jeremy:  They are so ugly! 
Me:  Oh.
Jeremy: ... unnnlessss YOU like them.  In that case, they're fine.  I mean, nice.  Beautiful.  I love them.


SCENE:  DRIVING.  I LAUGH AT SOMETHING HE SAYS AND SHAKE MY HEAD.  CLEARLY HE IMAGINES I AM MENTALLY MAKING A NOTE OF IT TO SHARE ON THE BLOG, AND SAYS:
Jeremy:  You know, I'm gonna start writing down the funny things YOU say!!  We'll see who gets the last laugh then!

Making an Effort Monday (Kinda)

In an effort to make more of the things I love -- good food, pretty things, and organized spaces -- I bring you Making An Effort Monday!  It's not a huge effort, but it's an effort nonetheless!

Okay, the biggest effort today is the effort I am making in trying not to go completely berserk and trying to keep my head from exploding.  So, that's awesome.  I had two weeks off between quarters, and the summer quarter starts tonight, and I am teaching a class I haven't taught for years, so I was like, Hey, self, be an awesome educator and start from scratch!  You can do it!  Give these students fresh and awesome ideas!  Yeah ... I needed a little more time.  


BUT, I am officially ready for tonight.  Future weeks?  Not totally.  But I WILL do it.  And it will be a fantastic quarter.  


Josephine is currently standing on my lap and reading the textbook, so I think she will have some ideas for me soon.  


Well, aside from that, no new recipes this week, but NEW BOWS.  

I'm also about halfway done with a big birthday project for Josephine's party, but maybe I should keep that for after the party?  I think I need to keep some decorating secrets.


Well, that's all, folks!  Happy Monday!

WINNING

Oh my god.  Oh my god.  OH.  MY.  GAWD.  *Tries to collect self*  Okay, so it's like this:  The people who know me and my spawn in real life know a bit more of the details of the sleepless life of my little firecracker of a child, so they will definitely be more impressed with this HUGE win, but trust me, this is ... what's bigger than huge?  Enormous?  Gigantic?  Magical?  Yes, maybe it was magic.  


I've told you a few times about our baby who resists things that are necessary, and then I celebrated a slight respite in the sleeplessness, but I've not truly admitted the extent of my willful child's resistance to the land of nod that I soooooo desire to visit more frequently.  Here's the gist:  THE CHILD DOES NOT SLEEP.  Like, for the past few days, in the most horrific moments of our sleep struggle, she had ONE TEN-MINUTE NAP.  ALL DAY.  She sleeps at night (in four-hour intervals), but during the day?  No way, mom!  I'm no baby!!!  I try to make myself feel better by reasoning that she still ALWAYS gets between 12.5 and 14 hours of sleep a day, she just doesn't want to sleep when she doesn't think she should be sleeping.  Plus, didn't Einstein sleep in four-hour intervals?  Even if he didn't, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

So, let me get to the win, shall I?  Brace yourself.  Thins morning my child took ... a THREE-HOUR NAP ... IN HER CRIB!!!!!  Seriously.  I was convinced something was wrong with my clocks or someone was punking me.  But no, the morning nap that she began boycotting at about the four-month mark, was in MY win column instead of that stinker of a baby.


About now some of you might be thinking, But Veronica, motherhood is not about winning!  You are being inappropriate and slightly offensive.  To this, I say NAY.  Motherhood is ALL about winning, because if *I* am winning, then *she* is winning.  As I type this, she is quietly playing with her toys, happy as a flippin' clam.  So when I win, the world damn world wins.  


And now, if she never takes a nap ever again, I will have this to look back on fondly and be able to remember this one magical day where my baby slept like other babies.  Truly a magical day.  Now I shall go and enjoy it.

Josephine Has a Frickin' Fabulous Father

My husband.  My husband.  It's hard to start this.  How to describe my wonderful husband on his very first Father's Day?  

Well, I just KNEW he would be an amazing father.  Way back in the early days we were dating, I could not only see his kindness, compassion, patience, and sincerity, but seeing him with his young cousins and my nieces and nephews confirmed my suspicions that he was a natural caregiver and best friend to young people.  You know how there are just those adults who kids gravitate towards and adore and can't get enough of?  That's Jeremy. 

Watching him become a father over the last 10 months has been awesome.  He does so much for both of us every day, and he certainly deserves much more than a blog post and the "we're-on-a-budget" gift I got for him.  Let me tell you why:

 He was an amazing partner long before he was an amazing father

 He was immediately a protective and loving father

 I always thought it was pretty horrible that after the ladies did all the work, the fathers usually got to hold the babies first, and I was sure I'd be all "GIVE ME THAT BABY YOU JERK-FACE," but seeing the way he looked at her ... it killed me.  I couldn't believe how happy I was.

 I'm so grateful my mom was there taking pictures, because he looks like this in every picture -- he was just beaming at her (while I had on my ugly cry-face)

 From day one, he has always been the master of getting her to sleep.  He has magical powers, I swear.

 There is definitely no way to calculate how many hours he spent holding and soothing our sick little baby in those early months

 And there is also no way to calculate how many hours he spent bouncing her.  He is WAY more patient than I will ever be.

He simply adores her

And she adores him 

 He reads to her every single day, is happily in charge of all bedtime stories, and even has a special book he reads last every single night

 He lets her play her favorite games, which include jamming fingers into mouths, jamming fingers into eyeballs, and pulling dad's hair

He teaches her all kinds of things

His motto is "safety first," even when she complains 

 He's so excited to share her firsts, and he is her rock when she isn't sure what to think about something new

I think Josie said it best here: "You're the number one dad!"

Happy First Father's Day, my love.

Much love,

Veronica and Josephine Isabelle

Book Review: Getting to Happy

My latest book review for the BlogHer Book Club is live!  

Confession: I never read Waiting to Exhale, but when I was offered a copy of the sequel, Getting to Happy, to review, I didn’t hesitate. In fact, I had never even read anything by Terry McMillan before (despite the fact that she once lived about 30 miles from my hometown, and was a PRETTY big deal in the thumb of Michigan) ...

to read the rest of my review (and see other reviews), click HERE

Is it vain to think your child is the cutest thing ever in the whole wide world? Oh well.

I got a phone call at 9 this morning that Josephine's 9-month pictures were ready for pick-up EARLY, and I knew this was going to be a great day!

Having these pictures in my possession, along with a trip to Target (*swoon*), finding a sunscreen that doesn't kill my baby (thanks for all the tips, peeps!), and meeting Jeremy downtown for $1 Jimmy John's subs for lunch TOTALLY make up for the fact that my child has only had ONE HALF-HOUR NAP so far today.  She's lucky she's so g-d cute. 

Summer Baby Advice Needed!

I am having two summer-related baby freak-outs, so I need help, STAT.


Ulcer-inducing issue:  My child is allergic to hypoallergenic baby sunscreen.


I shit you not.  


Even though she was born looking exactly like my husband, and looks more and more like him every day, deep down in my heart of hearts, I knew that there was a little of my DNA in her, and unfortunately it has to be the bad stuff, like being allergic to things that people aren't supposed to be able to be allergic to, like how I am allergic to all sunscreens to varying degrees and Benadryl.  Benadryl, people.  The medicine you take to STOP an allergic reaction.


Anyway, I have been putting very tiny amounts on her and then slapping a hat on her and not taking her in direct sunlight because I was afraid of a bad reaction, but the other day I wanted to take a walk during a very sunny time of day, and I put Coppertone Hypoallergenic Baby sunscreen on her face like a good mom (instead of just her nose, like I had been -- the shame) and HER EYES SWELLED SHUT.  


So, I need suggestions.  What the eff do I use??? 


Problem that isn't necessarily causing an ulcer, but it still consuming some of my precious looking-at-things-on-the-Internet-I-can't-afford time:  What do I do (diaper-wise) for swimming?


I refuse -- STRAIGHT UP refuse -- to buy Little Swimmers swimming diapers.  $5 million for 10 diapers? No thank you.  


I use BumGenius cloth diapers, and I heard a rumor that those are waterproof from the outside so they can be used as swim diapers.  Could this be true?  I need this to be verified or debunked, and if it isn't the case, I need to know what people suggest.


Alright people, get on it!  Help a sister out!

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. XI

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.

SCENE:  The Truvia commercial (click HERE if you don't know it) comes on and I, of course, gets angry at how annoying the commercial is:
Veronica:  Oh my god, there are so many terrible commercials lately.
Jeremy:  I think you're just getting old.
Veronica:  Harumph!  I'm not getting old!  Just last month I was saying there were tons of funny commercials on TV.
Jeremy: Yeah.  It happens really fast.

SCENE:  Talking about all his plans to revitalize Detroit:

Jeremy:  You know, you could really carpet-bag the SHIT out of Detroit!

SCENE:  I am assembling all our cloth diapers while Jeremy and Josephine are chillaxin' on the couch next to me:
Veronica:  You know, I read something interesting today.
Jeremy:  Oh really?
Veronica:  Yeah, I read on this blog I love that she washes the cloth diapers during the day and then her husband comes home from work and assembles them. 
Jeremy:  *silence*
Veronica:  That's a pretty sweet arrangement, huh?
Jeremy:  Well, I guess you should have married that guy.
Veronica:  Yeah, probably.
Jeremy:  But then, of course, your baby wouldn't look like THIS (picking up Josephine and shoving her in my face). 

I've Had a Busy Week, So You Get a List ...

... and you'll like it.


1.  I finally started feeling better on my antibiotic, and after what I can only describe as an excruciating-long wait, the pediatrician agreed to call in a prescription for Josie since she was getting worse instead of better.  I then left that antibiotic in our fridge when we went out of town this weekend and had to call the on-call physician and beg for an emergency refill to be called into the pharmacy down the street from my in-laws, but that is neither here nor there (except for the fact that it is a perfect representation of my scattered life lately).


2.  I started feeling better just in time to scramble around and get everything ready for Jeremy-palooza 2011, aka, my husband's birthday.  Every year I sneak around and wait until he is out of the house to make a cake, as if it is a huge surprise that I am going to make him a cake like I do EVERY YEAR, but I insist on being surreptitious, and then I am rushed and panicked, and this year I made fancy frosting and Josie was NOT having it because I was not staring lovingly at her the ENTIRE day, which is what a sick Josephine requires, apparently (she is totally my progeny).  


So on Thursday I got up before Jeremy woke up for work at 6 AM and decorated the house with streamers and balloons and whatnot, wrote all over the bathroom mirror with dry erase marker (and then scared myself shitless three times when catching it out of the corner of my eye while walking into the bathroom), then we ran to the store and got all the stuff I had forgotten, started the cake, retrieved all the hidden presents, wrapped them, signed cards from me and Josie, made the frosting and dyed it Tigers blue and orange (OH MY GOD.  Never again.), decorated the cake (the last five minutes of which Josephine screamed bloody murder while I begged her to let me finish), started cheesy garlic biscuits that Jeremy could throw in the oven while I was at work, cleaned the two-inch by two-inch kitchen that looked like three bombs had exploded within it, cleaned the rest of the house, and ran Josephine out to the porch just in time to have her waiting for Jeremy when he pulled in from work.  Then, instead of passing out, I went to work.  BUT, when I got home from work, I got to give Jeremy presents that made him make THIS face:

and THIS face:

Yeah, a Detroit Tigers toaster.  Awesome.  And the cake turned out looking like THIS:

I'm not sure if you're familiar with the fine art of cake decorating, but it takes an extremely high level of skill to create the Jackson Pollack look and make the lettering look like you are having a seizure while writing.  I know, I know.  I was blessed with so many talents.  I still have yet to taste the cake, but my husband is so awesome that even if it tasted like a dog shit cake with baby puke frosting, he would say, "Oh, baby, this is the best cake ever!"  He seriously would.  Love that guy.

3.  THEN, after I served cake, I started doing laundry and packing for the weekend with the in-laws/wedding extravaganza.  Because I had not started.  So all night and the next morning I ran around like a maniac doing all the stuff I should have been doing ahead of time, but, you know, the sickness and the birthday.  GUH.  Plus I ran to the craft store and bought ribbon and made some bows and flowers to take along.  Heh.  Priorities.

4.  On Friday night we got to go to see my father-in-law and brother-in-law (otherwise known as Steel Bass) play at The Raven, a coffee house where we also saw them play only a few days before Josephine was born.

She danced to a lot of the songs, and liked their cover of "Truckin'" the best.

5.  THE VOTES OF THE MAJOR DRESS POLL WERE TALLIED, and the winner was ..... NUMBER TWO!!!!!  Thank you for the votes!!

Unfortunately, the picture extravaganza I had planned in my head did not go down, and THIS is one of the only pictures I got of Josephine at the wedding, and she wasn't even at the actual wedding:

Yeah, we spent the ceremony in the nursery because someone was being "talkative."  I am not going to be THAT person, thank you very much.  

And, THIS is the best picture of Josephine with Granny and Gramps.  

At least she's smiling.

I'll probably dress her back up in her outfit sometime soon and take pictures.  She'll never know the difference when she looks back at the pictures.  Heh heh heh.  Babies.  You can pull one over on them so easily.

6.  We had lots and lots of family fun time, and even though Josephine was still a bit of a tired crankapotamus because of her antibiotic, but she had a great time.

 She grabbed her Elmo book, crawled into the back corner of Cleo's kennel, and sat there and read it.  This kid needs a playhouse.

 bath in Granny and Gramps' clawfoot tub!

 The bride and groom

 Admiring her new cell phone from Granny

 Josie and Gramps had LOTS of good reading time this weekend

Spying on the neighborhood.  She's just like her mother.

Amazed by Uncle Luke's gorilla that plays "Wild Thing."

7.  There is no way I am going to pull off a Making an Effort Monday tomorrow, so let's just do it now, shall we?  Here are a few bows and whatnot I whipped up for the weekend:

ANOTHER new white bow (this time it was the pink antibiotic that stained the last one)

Mini pink bows for pigtails (as seen in the photo above at The Raven) 

 Mini white for pigtails

 Loved the white ribbon rose so much I made a pink one

It looks a little wonky here, but it's a big white flower I made for my hair for the wedding, and it looked good while I wore it, I swear!

THE END.  So tired.  Good night.

V.I.P. (VERY IMPORTANT POLL)

We are going to a wedding this Saturday, and I have what my mother-in-law calls a "good problem to have" -- Josephine has TOO many cute dresses she could wear!  So, I need help deciding between three dresses.  In no particular order:

DRESS #1

I love this dress, but I don't want to put her in white if people might think that is weird.  I mean, obviously it wouldn't be stealing attention from the bride since she is a child, right?  But would it look like I was trying to steal thunder from the flower girl??

DRESS #2

This one is a bit more classic, but I would have to make something for her hair, since it doesn't match anything she has (not that I mind!)

DRESS #3

YES, it's wrinkled in this picture, but I only have so much time in a day, and I am supposed to be grading papers and calculating final grades today, so you get a wrinkled dress.  I love it anyway.


So, VOTING IS NOW OPEN!!  Vote for you favorite!  Your prize will be beautiful pictures of Josephine wearing it at the wedding this weekend.


Voting closes at noon on Friday, so get crackin'!

A Discovery of Witches Book Review

I recently got sent another great book to review for the BlogHer book club, and the review is live today.


Here's what I had to say:


A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness is like a combination of Harry Potter, Twilight, The DaVinci Code, a thriller, and a good romance novel. With all the new spins on witches and vampires out there, it was interesting to read a version obviously written for an adult audience (no offense to J. K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyers!) and one that was so inextricably entwined in the rich worlds of academia and history ...


Click HERE to read the rest and see what others had to say!

Bad Mom

Important question:  Is it unethical to get your kid's 9-month pictures taken when she is three days away from being 10 months old?  Know that I fully intend on writing "9 months old!" on the back of every picture.


Okay, it's probably mostly just lazy.  But maybe also a little unethical.  Or immoral.  Maybe both?


But what about this?  Is it bad that three days ago, when Josephine had a small scab on her nose, I panicked and seriously considered putting concealer on it if it was still hanging around for her sitting?  Bad?  Or not that bad?  Probably bad.


Also, after the sitting, when I was winded from chasing her around the studio and prying her hands and teeth off of things, fake coughing and sneezing to make her laugh, and clapping wildly while shouting "YAY JOSIE!" for a half an hour, when she found one of those tables with swirly loops with beads attached that was undoubtedly covered with all kinds of disgusting and miserable germs, I just stayed seated, looked at Jeremy, shrugged, and said, "Eh.  She just started a course of antibiotics."  Yeah, that one was bad.


But even with all the immorality and whatnot, she was a freakin' superstar, and her pictures are A-MAY-ZING.  Praise Jeebus.  She managed to cancel out all my bad-mom vibes.  What a gal.

Antibiotics are like magic against germs, right?