Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Plague House, Redux, Part 2 (does "Redux" work like that?)

So I broke down and went to the doctor.  I didn't wait a week because I dislike doctors, but because my new general practitioner is apparently very popular and IMPOSSIBLE to get into.  That, and he was the ONLY GP accepting new patients in the greater-Lansing area because they are flooded with patients trying to get a "certain" type of prescription since it became legal.  You know, I always supported that bill, but now that it affects my ability to see a doctor when I'm sick?  I'm a little peeved.  SO, I had to go to Urgent Care, which costs FIFTEEN WHOLE DOLLARS, and I the whole time I'm sitting in Urgent Care waiting my turn with the unwashed masses, I just keep imagining pretty little summer dresses I could have bought for Josephine with that money.

Anyway.  I'm no scientist or anything, but I think it's safe to say it's a bad sign when the doctor looks in your throat and says, "Oh, boy."  I mean, it COULD have been a compliment, but then she made a disgusted face, so ... there's that.  And then there was when she pressed on my sinuses and my eyes rolled in the bad of my head and I had to stop myself from saying, "Yeah, keep rubbing."  Acute sinusitis.  Lovely.

But, BUT, I DID get to overhear some gems at the Meijer pharmacy!  Goody goody!  It really is Part 2 of THE PLAGUE HOUSE.

Person Number One:  (young-ish woman, early 20s?, wearing short-shorts and on a cell phone.  Was listening to the person on the other end and then said all this, as one response):

"No.  No.  NO.  God NO.  I mean ... no.  I just ... no.  I just ... I just can't.  You know?  Like .... no.  Never.  NEVER.  I could NEVER ... no.  NO.  God, NO.  You know what I mean?  It's just not something I would DO.  EVER.  GOD."

(I REALLY want to know what the person on the other end had said to get that response.)

Person Number Two:  (Senior-citizen-age male.  One of those people who is probably only like 65 or 70 but is mistaken for much older because of how he acts.  Short white hair, white polo shirt, shorter jeans shorts than I would care to see on a gentleman.  Walks up to the counter and answers the question, "Name?" with):

Milligan.  M-I-L-L-I-G-A-N.  Milligan.  First name, Fred.  F-R-E-D.  Fred Milligan.  Always has been.  Heh heh.  I'm probably the only Milligan in your whole computer! (*Rocks up onto toes with pride and leans very close to counter girl's face.  Winks*)  Oh, well, except my wife, of course.  Susan.  Susan Milligan.  S-U-S-A-N.  Susan Milligan.  Our children use a different pharmacy, since they all moved to different parts of town.  There's four of them:  Maggie, Mark, Melinda, and Mary.  Of course, Maggie, Melinda, and Mary all have their married names now, so they wouldn't come up in the computer and Milligans anyway, I suppose.  Oh yes, and there are my cousins, Esther and Michael Milligan, but they live over in Okemos, so I don't know if they use this pharmacy either.  So I bet my wife and I are the only Milligans in the whole g-d computer, am I right??

Counter girl:  Well, I couldn't tell you, sir.  Could you verify your date of birth?

(I blacked out shortly thereafter, so I have no idea how long the answer to that question was.)

Person Number Three:  (Middle-age woman,  Dark, permed hair.  Large bangs.  Very light denim wash jean shorts of the nineties variety.  Comes barreling over with huge cart of groceries and blocks both registers the counter, barks out a name.)

Lady:  It's for my husband.
Counter girl:  Okay, can you verify his date of birth?
Lady:  Ummmm.  Hang on.  8 .... 9? ....
C.G.:  And the year?
Lady:  Hell, I don't know!
C.G.:  Well, how old is he?
Lady:  I don't know!  Well, he's older than 45 ... but I'm not sure if he's older than 50 yet ....
C.G.:  Okay.  Do you know the name of the medication you're picking up?
Lady:  No.  It might start with an A.  No, I think an R.  Definitely a P.
C.G.:  Do you know what the medication is for?
Lady:  Heart?  Blood pressure?  Cholesterol?  Prostate?  I don't know.  Something manly.
C.G.:  Ma'am, would you care to call your husband and ask?
Lady:  Siiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.  FINE.

(You'll never break those two lovebirds up, Counter Girl, not even with all your outrageous questions!  So never try!)

I should probably just people watch all day.  Seriously.  Could you get paid for that?  I'll look into it.


  1. haha

    Hope yo get well soon

  2. I did some amazing people watching last night. I think we definitely could make a living doing it. We would call it "observing trends" or something smart like that.

  3. Thanks, Ed!

    Shan -- you are a genius. We need to get together and do some genius stuff, then we will be millionaires.


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