Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Funny Stuff My Husband Says, Vol. IX

My husband is like the funniest guy on the planet.  So, every once and a while, I salute him.  Like today.  To see all volumes of Funny Stuff My Husband Says, click here.

SCENE:  Josephine is laying on the bed and Jeremy is sitting by her, leaning over to chat with her
Jeremy:  [to Josephine]  Historiography.  Symphonic.  Non-Agression Pact.  Casus Belli.
Veronica:  What ARE you doing?
Jeremy:  Saying smart words.  You know, to make her smart.  Can you give us some alone time?
Jeremy:  [to Josephine]  Literary.  Judicial.  

SCENE:  It's a few weeks before Christmas and I'm just sitting down after work and taking off my earrings
Veronica:  Oh, man, one of my earrings just broke!
Jeremy:  That's lame.  But maybe Santa will bring you some new earrings for Christmas.
Veronica:  Okay, but tell Santa I want work-appropriate earrings.
Jeremy:  ... Santa doesn't know what work-appropriate earrings are ...
Veronica:  Well, they are silver and classy and subtle, not fun and flashy like my non-work earrings.
Jeremy:  ... Santa doesn't know what work-appropriate earrings are ...

SCENE:  Jeremy is feeding Josephine on her second day ever of eating solids, and she is eating way better than she did the day before
Jeremy: [to Josephine]  Oh my gosh!  You're eating like a CHAMP!  My little Kobayashi!  Aww, I can't wait to watch Nathan's hot dog eating contest with her on the Fourth of July!

SCENE:  Watching the episode of 8 Simple Rules (What?  I watch ABCFamily during the day.  What do you do?  WORK?  Pshh.) after Jon Ritter died and cringing when the wife's mom says, "It's all a part of God's plan" -- that phrase would NOT help a selfish person like myself in a time of grief.  
Veronica:  If you die before me, I'm getting a shirt made that says "Don't say it was all a part of God's plan unless you want to get STABBED."
Jeremy:  [holding a cookie in each hand] IF?!?! [through a mouth full of cookies]


  1. I have to tell you... usually I have a rule that I force myself to read all of my blog subscriptions in the order they were posted, so if I check my subscriptions and I have 7 new blog entries to read, I have to read them in order, because I hate reading one that was posted later first, and it references the one that was posted first and I'm all confused. Did that even make any sense?! Anyway... it's a hard and fast rule I hold myself to. With one exception... If I see the title "Funny Stuff My Husband Says...", I read that one first. Always. I've never been disappointed when I do this, so I'm sticking with it. Look at me! I'm a rule breaker!

    Also, I'm sure you know exactly where I stand on the "It's God's plan" theology. I am not about to start a theological debate with you about it, and will just accept that the t-shirt idea is hilarious, as is your description of Jeremy's reaction, and I'm willing to appreciate the joke, even if it goes against my religious beliefs. Not everyone can do that, ya know! :)

  2. Thanks, Katie!

    You know, I didn't even really think about that comment starting a theological debate. D'oh! What I meant by it, regardless of whether I believe in God or God's plan or any of that, if my husband had just died, I would not want to hear it, because I am selfish, and would just want him back. I tried to make him promise that we would both die at the exact same moment, peacefully in our beds, so neither of us would have to go through the anguish of losing a spouse. He said he couldn't make that promise. Jerk. That's the same thing my mom said when I tried to get her to promise the same thing when I was 4. They are both pretty mean.

  3. New to the blog and loving it! This is too funny!

  4. Lol, V! I figured that wasn't your intent, so I wasn't about to turn it into something it wasn't. (you know, like so many of "my people" do) I think you're right, it wouldn't be very comforting to hear at that moment. I can see that your husband is very selfish, just like mine. Mine regularly jokes about how he doesn't think he'll make it passed the age of 30 (he's 27 now) with his dangerous job/bad luck. But he is very reassuring in telling me that he has a hefty life insurance policy so I'll be okay without him, perhaps even better off. WHAT?! Umm, no. That's not even remotely comforting! Do not die so I can get money from your life insurance policy! Are you kidding me?! Ugh. Men! lol


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