Let's Ban All Awards Since They Make Me Sad

Okay, so I totally watch Toddlers and Tiaras.  If you aren't watching it, you really should be.  it is like horror on a stick and it totally freaks the shit out of my husband because he thinks it is creeping into my subconscious and I will take our precious young daughter and put her into pageants.  No worries, my love.  I'm sure I will force her to do a lot of things, like dance classes and piano lessons and whatnot, but you are safe from the world of pageants.


It hit me the other night that one of the things I hate most about these pageants is at the end, before they crown the overall winners, they give out awards like "prettiest eyes" and "prettiest hair" and "prettiest smile" and "prettiest face" and ... my god, the looks on the other little girls' faces when THEY don't have the prettiest of something.  Or the prettiest anything.  They start this at age "newborn."  To see those 4, 5, and even 8-year-olds realizing that they are not pretty enough.  It is heartbreaking.

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Yeah, I know the same thing ultimately happens in the end when they crown the overall winners, but breaking apart the features like that?  It really gets to me.


I told Jeremy that it was the most disgusting part of the pageant, and he said, "Isn't it a lot like the mock elections in junior high and high school?" Thanks a lot, smart ass.  You got me there.


I was not a popular kid in school, and I was certain when I transferred schools in 6th grade that I would never attain popularity, and therefore never win a "title" in mock elections once we go to junior high.  Imagine my surprise when I won "prettiest hair" in 7th grade!!  I was freakin' ecstatic! But, come one, how could you NOT give this hair an award in 1994?

When our senior class mock elections came around, I knew I was not in contention for prettiest anything.  At this point, I was the yearbook editor, an aide in the front office, in honors classes, did not play sports for the school (but took dance lessons three days a week and played for a non-school soccer league), did not get invited to any of the parties people threw, and often brought boys from other schools to dances (because no one at my school would ask me).  So, nerdalicious.  Whatever.  I took life a little too seriously at the time.  


Imagine my surprise when I won a title!!  I was on top of the world.  People liked me!  They really really liked me!  They must have liked me all along! Maybe we could start being friends now, and I would be popular and loved and invited to all the parties that summer!!


What did I win, you ask?  


Most Responsible.  So, like, the lamest of the lame.  I basically won "Little Miss Goody-Two-Shoes of the Graduating Class of 2000."  A slight bummer. Plus, no one wanted to be my friend or invite me to parties.  So, a total wash.


Then, on graduation day, I got another unexpected award: Outstanding Senior.  I was shocked and proud and happy, even though it is an award that all the faculty vote on, meaning it was a "teacher's favorite" award. Whatever.  It was a trophy, and the only other one of those I had was from earning second place in kindergarten little league, and I had DEFINITELY not contributed to our team winning any games.  I was usually picking dandelions in the outfield.  But I got a lot of fresh air.


I was still happy ... until I went to the all-night party after graduation.  One of my kind and lovely classmates came up to me and said, "Wow, so you won Outstanding Senior, huh?" to which I humbly (and honestly) answered, "I know, I was really shocked."  This lovely lady returned with, "Yeah, the whole class is shocked too.  We thought someone who deserved it would get it, not you," and left me there to have a stern talk with my eyeballs, telling them to KEEP THE DAMN TEARS INSIDE because I didn't want to earn the title of "Class Crybaby" while I was there.


So, here we are.  Full circle.  Awards suck.  Even the line dancing trophy I won five years ago during a trip to Texas.  Maybe it was a joke and they were making fun of me and I was actually the WORST line dancer and they were all laughing at me after I won.


As you can see, awards damage psyches.  And possibly lead to massive psychosis.  And are probably the reason I am chunky.  And maybe they are the root of my constant back pain.  CLEARLY, I would be totally perfect if awards did not exist.  Case closed.