Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Wherein I Unleash the Crudeness that is My Siblings

This weekend we went on our annual family fancy-pants vacation to the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island.  Pure freaking decadence. 

The place is fancier than the White House:

And people dress like this:

Normally, someone like me would not be allowed on the premises.  Not only do I lack the monetary requirements, but I lack the "nice clothes" and "manners" and "class" and "patience."  However, my dad is a state officer in the Knights of Columbus and their annual state convention is there every year.  So, basically, because the K of C is throwing lots of money at them, they are allowed to bring their familes -- even if they lack elegance and the ability to filter crude language out of their daily speech.

Case in point.  Somehow, my family was able to give this luxourious trip the most innappropriate theme ever:  penises.  Yup.  (Okay, not my mom and dad though.  They were not involved.  Hi, mom!)

I think it all started when my husband, my little sister, her boyfriend and I all got on the ferry for the island.  Mackinaw City apparently has this major problem with a little pest called the May Fly.  Sometimes the clouds are so thick you can barely see through them.  They are quick and gross and end up in your mouth and ears and cleavage before you can think of a proper way to shield yourself.

So, the May Flies are swarming and groping us, when from under her hoodie pulled over her face, my little sister shouts, "I THINK TWO FLIES ARE DOING IT ON ME!!!!!"

After giggling and imagining May Flies doing it for 20 minutes, we got to the hotel and checked into our rooms.  As we were leaving to get lunch, we heard one lady shout to another, "Oooooh!  That is the hospitality suite that always has BABY WEINERS!!" her face lit up like Christmas morning.  So, obvi, we lost our shit and giggled all the way down to the dining room about how much that lady liked her baby weiners.  Classy as all shit, I tell ya.  UPDATE:  My little sister claims she said "Oooooh!  It smells like baby weiners!!"  Take your pick.  Both hilarious.

Fast forward, and my brother-in-law is teasing my little sister about having to go to mass for the third times in as many days when he was planning to sleep in (My mother made the grave error of telling us that she would APPRECIATE if we came to mass, but it was our PERSONAL LIFE CHOICE as to whether we would worship or sleep in.  Since I was having some pregnancy-related troubles and am not Catholic, I opted to sleep two extra hours.  My husband chose to join me.  Then my older sister and her husband and kids figured they could jump on the bandwagon without fear of reprisal.)  Anyway, he should have known better than to mess with my little sister.  She has an attitude and SUCH a mouth on her. 

So how did she respond to his goading?  By curtsying and excusing herself to the drawing room?  Nope.  She told him to go ahead and "EAT A BAG OF DICKS."

He was so stunned that his exact reply was: "*mouth open* !!!!!!!!! .... ???? ... !!!!!!!! *blink*"

She's creative in her expletives, I have to give her credit.  So, the rest of the night basically revolved around people telling each other to eat bags of dicks.  At a fancy party.  At the Grand Hotel.  Where men can't even go in the lobby without a suit coat and tie and ladies have to wear dresses after 5 PM.  Yeah.

The next morning my brother-in-law let my little sister know that he dreamt of eating bags of dicks all night, and that started things all over again.  My husband, the cleverest son of a gun I know, thought it would be good to just shorten it to "E. a B. of D."  Go ahead, say it out loud.  It has quite a ring to it.  

A few hours later, while we were still talking about eating b's of d's, someone suggested throwing an extra "b" in there -- E. a B. of B. D. -- you know, "eat a bag of baby dicks."  It took a horrible turn at this point when somehow my sister suggested they could be clippings, like from the "brisk."  Of course then we teased her for not knowing what a bris or a moyle was, but then we got back to being crude.

As my little sister, her boyfriend, my husband and I walked down to catch the ferry back home, we realized that there were so many possibilities that we were neglecting ...

Little sister's boyfriend:  "Eat a bucket of dicks!"
Husband:  "Eat a barrel of dicks!"
*Pause to take a photo for another group of tourists*
Little sister:  "Eat a box of dicks!"
Me: "Eat a bushel of dicks!"

Once we got to the docks, we had calmed down again, only to have my little brother's girlfriend talk about the huge disgusting dragonflies they have in Florida and said they were about the size of baby dicks -- then she held up her hands to indicate something a half-inch wide and 3-inches long.

This prompted a long discussion on the ride home as to what TYPE of baby dick we had been referring to.  I was slightly concerned that brother's girlfriend thought babies were born with 3-inch penises, but little sister chimed in that perhaps brother's girlfriend had just been imagining a tiny man's penis all along, like "Oh, look at that tiny little dick!  Why does that man have such a baby dick?"  It put a whole new spin on the situation.

Anyway, I am pretty sure none of this is actually our fault.  THIS does exist on the island:


  1. ha ha that's awesome. My wife and I are going the end of June, maybe I can come up with some of my own...

  2. Brother's Girlfriend would like to clarify.

    I thought we were still talking about "baby weiners" in reference to bologna cocktail weiners. In which case, I still hold that the insane dragonflies in Florida are the size of cocktail (or "baby") weiners.

    And the rest of you are just disgusting.

  3. I think weiners are a perfectly acceptable conversation for fancy places.

    Which is probably why I'm never invited to such things.

  4. The lady said "ooo it smells like baby weiners out here"
    I feel like the smell part greatly increases the hilarity of the statement.

  5. Jess -- Yeah, themes are good! :)

    Jess -- I was trying to give you a little anonymity there, but ... okay, brother's girlfriend, you are disgusting too, and you KNOW IT. :)

    SAS -- Yeah, I don't really see the big deal. We didn't share the theme with the rest of the guests or anything. We can be KIND OF discreet.

    Victoria -- Really? I don't remember that part. That really does bring a whole new dimension to it. I will update.

  6. ha ha that's awesome. My wife and I are going the end of June, maybe I can come up with some of my own...


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