Etsy Saturdays: VII

In support of the handmade revolution, I bring you Etsy Saturdays!  I will highlight a fun new shop every week, and I hope you will stop over to see their merchandise or find something else you love while you're there.  To see all Etsy Saturdays, click here.
*I have not been compensated in any way for this post*

Today's shop that caught my attention is Vindicated Vinyl, by Brinda Kay Design.

I was immediately attracted to this awesome piece ...

Recycled Record Album Tray Catch-all, $25

... probably because it was made from a record released by Veronique. :)


I know someone who would love this tray:

Bruce Springsteen Record Album Upcycled Valet, $32

The shop also features purses:

80s party Purse - Blondie Parallel Lines 1978 Record Album Handbag, $70

And belt buckles:

Wonder Woman Belt Buckle from old record album, $32

Happy Shopping!

There May or May Not Be a Moral Involved in This Story. If There Is, I Missed It.

So I had this post all ready to go, and was going to publish it, but I got busy. It involved me talking about my job and my teaching style (for those of you who DON'T stalk me, I teach at a small private college in Michigan).  Now I am glad I hit save instead of publish on that bitch, because I have a distinct feeling I might have been dooce'd had I done this.  I mean, I am not exactly anonymous.  It wasn't bad or anything, but recent ... frustrations in my life have led me to realize that everything is incredibly tenuous.  The good and bad come and go very quickly, and the bad can really blindside you if you aren't prepared.


ANYWAY, the part of the post that still applies is this:  I have been having tremendously bad things pile up on me lately.  So much so that I have a constant pressure in my chest, and that horrible feeling in my throat like at any moment something might explode out of me, and I have no idea if it will be tears, curse words, vomit, or insane screaming.


Due to all of this anger and sadness and the oh-woe-is-me feelings, I have been walking around feeling the intense desire to punch every person I meet. Yup, I'm just walking around like a normal person, but I am mere inches from punching like a .... person who punches.  Like, if I saw a puppy, I would think about punching it.  But then I wouldn't punch it, because it's a PUPPY for Christ's sake.  I'm not HITLER (little known fact -- Hitler was a full-time puppy puncher).

Thinking about punching you.  But won't.

Anyway, I have been doing an extremely good job at holding in the rage (in my opinion, anyway). I haven't punched anyone yet.  But then this happened.


We decided to go to an early showing of Shutter Island today (side note: worth watching).  We had popcorn, sodey-pop, and a bag of candy.  We had excellent seats, and I was feeling the pressure on my chest lift.  Then a huge noisy group of seven young "men" and one young "lady" came spilling into the theater.  Guess where they decided to sit?  Yeah, right behind us.


I have VERY LITTLE tolerance for rude movie people.  Talking, kicking my seat, and cell phone usage?  Very quick way to ignite my movie theater rage.  Guess what they thought might be fun?  Yes.  These exact behaviors.  


Finally, about an hour into the movie, the discussion behind me had reached a fever pitch.  Like, non-stop discussion.  So, I turned and looked those little bastards straight in the eye and said, "Seriously.  Stop it.  NOW." and turned around.  


At first, all I could think about was my heart racing and the fight or flight hormones flowing through my body, and when my brain gave me those two options, I was thinking FIGHT!  Then I felt happy, because they were silent.


Then my heart slowed down, and I was able to see what I had stared at when I faced those monsters:  Teenagers.  18, 20 tops.  And they looked ... scared.  Like, maybe how you would be when you were a kid and a scary adult said something scary or mean.


Shit.  I am a mean scary old lady.  It really snuck up on me.  


But at least I didn't punch anyone.


image source

So Much Unwanted Information ...

The other day, I was minding my own business, doing my best at growing the baby in a healthy and stress-free womb, when I got THIS e-mail:

That's right, babycenter.com wants to let me know what labor really feels like.  


I know what you're thinking.  This must be a joke, right?  No one would actually send me an e-mail and offer to describe what it will be like to give birth in gory, visceral details.  Well, someone did.

Hey, babycenter.com, how about instead I just go with the information I already have and just assume that it is the worst thing in the entire world, and you spare me the details.  And maybe just let me try to NOT THINK ABOUT IT UNTIL I ACTUALLY HAVE TO.  Wouldn't that be kind?  Try it.  Try a little kindness.


For some reason, I didn't unsubscribe to these e-mails.  I mean, when I first went to the website, there was this awesome forum where people would put up a few baby names they had picked for their child and ask you to vote for your favorite, and there was a section for COMMENTS.  Like, they were opening themselves up to comments about the possible ramifications of naming their child Rheeahannah (seriously).  I spent like three whole days on that sucker. 


So I didn't unsubscribe because they allow me to make anonymous comments about people's life choices (HEAVENLY) and they sometimes send me useful information, and I got another e-mail from them today.  They tricked me this time.  The subject was all informational ("What you need to know about emergency c-sections"), so I opened it.  


This is what I got:

Yeah.  So I clicked on it.  I figured it couldn't be THAT bad.  I have seen scars before.  I have even seen c-section scars before.  What I got was a fun little trip from brand-new staples to infected incisions, to 3-year old scars that looked brand-new.  


But that wasn't the bad part.  A lot of the ladies felt the need to show most or ALL of their ... eh hem ... unkempt bikini areas in the photos.  Which were a good six inches below the scars.  Seriously.  I mean, if someone asked to take a picture of a scar on your neck, would you yank off your shirt and be sure to include your naked boobies in the picture?  I bet you would.  You freak.  Well, I wouldn't. 

And you know what?  I could have scarred you for life and included some of those pictures in this post.  But I DIDN'T.  So, you're WELCOME.

I need to go unsubscribe from that mailing list.

UTI: Attracting Students One Infection at a Time

I have been seeing a commercial for this school a lot lately, and I react the exact same way every time I see it.  

Here, you tell me what you think:

www.uti.edu

UTI.  This school is actually called UTI.  And they CHOSE the name themselves.  And they refer to themselves by this acronym.


Really, UTI people?  You're okay with that?  You have no problem with people thinking of burning when you pee when they think of your Institute of learning?  


Weird.  Urinary Tract Infections do NOT make me think about kick-starting my career in the automotive industry.


Why not just name it the Superior Technical Institute so it can be STI (which, of course, is a Sexually Transmitted Infection.  Because did you know that you aren't supposed to call it a sexually transmitted disease anymore?  Too much stigma.  Read a book, people.  Also, do YOU know a word that means school but starts with a "D"?  Neither do I.)  


Anyway, back on track here, if you named a school STI, then at least people would also be able to think of good things, like sexy time, while they are also being forced to think about burning when you pee.


I can see it now ...


Bob:  Hey dude, what's up?


Carl:  Not much, Bob.  You?


Bob:  You'll never believe it.  I found a college.  And I got accepted!


Carl:  You?  College?  But we're just not the college types.  You know that!  What's so special about this place?


Bob:  I don't know.  I just heard the name, and I knew that STI would be the place for me.


Carl:  STI?  It sounds ... awesome.  Like, totally a place I would want to be.  


Bob:  I know, weird, right?  You just hear the name, and a good feeling washes over you.


Carl:  Exactly.  I feel tingly.


Bob:  Well, let's get YOU an application, too, dude!


I actually think I'm onto something here: subliminal messages in college acronyms.  I await my check from the soon-to-be-instated Superior Technical Institute.  

Someone Else Loves Me. Crazy, I Know.

You'll never believe it.  Someone else gave me a blogger award!  Like, in real life.  I did NOT make my own award, fabricate a person and then pretend that person sent me an award.  Although, now that I think about it, I might have to put that on the schedule for next week.

So, snaps to Martyn over at Vegemite Saga.  And not quiet snaps, but loud, boisterous snaps like at a coffee shop where they read beat poetry.


Martyn says super-nice things to me in my comments, like he loves my blog and looks forward to my posts. Swoon, swoon, double-swoon.  


After thanking my super awesome award giver, I am supposed to pass this award on to 15 other bloggers.  The only issue is that Martyn loves a lot of my favorite blogs, so instead of re-awarding, I will pass it on to a shorter list (it's MY award now! I do what I want!)


So, here are me lovies:


1.  Yo Mama's Blog
2.  Martinis or Diaper Genies
3.  More is Better
4.  Live It, LOVE It
5.  Bacon is My Lover
6.  Cheeseburger in Paradise
7.  Not Always News
8.  I'm Just Sayin'
9.  The Daily Nail
10.  Yellow Trash Diaries

Satisfying Your Bacon Tooth: UPDATED!

I have a sister who is obsessed with bacon.  Like, her life revolves around it.  So, when I saw this popcorn, it made me want to collect the best of the best bacon products on the Internet. You are officially all set for your one-stop bacon-shopping needs.  (P.S.  I saved the best for last)

Bacon-flavored popcorn

$4.99, www.perpetualkid.com

Bacon Soap

$5.99, www.perpetualkid.com

Raw bacon magnets

$4.99, www.designdude.etsy.com

Bacon magnets (cooked)

$4.99, www.designdude.etsy.com

Bacon bandages

$4.79, www.perpetualkid.com

Bacon air freshener

$3.99. www.perpetualkid.com

Bacon scented soy candle

$15, www.LizaBam83.etsy.com

Bacon gumballs

$3.49, www.perpetualkid.com

Bacon wallet

$11.99, www.perpetualkid.com

Bringing home the bacon necklace

$14, www.cuteability.etsy.com

Bacon watch

$24.99, www.perpetualkid.com

Bacon earrings

$9, www.pomegranatepanictoo.etsy.com

Uncle Oinker's gummy bacon

$3.79, www.perpetualkid.com

Bacon gadget case

$18, www.coolbeans717.etsy.com

Mr. Bacon's Big Adventure game

$19.99, www.perpetualkid.com

Chocolate covered bacon

$10, http://www.saltboxconfections.etsy.com/

UPDATE: juskaulani alerted me to THIS:

Bacon-flavored vodka

http://www.bakonvodka.com/

Note that the drink highlighted is a chocolate bakon martini.  I guess more people are onto this bacon/chocolate combination than I thought!

And while I was typing that, I got a yearning for chapstick, so lookey what I found:

Bacon Lip Balm

$3.99, http://store.baconsalt.com/

Also.  A confession.  I don't eat bacon.  On occasion, I eat turkey bacon.  But if my dear bacon-loving husband wants bacon, he must consume it in a restaurant.  Sad story.

Special Surprise, REVEALED!

So I got all desperate and went on Facebook yesterday, asking for people who already read my blog but are not followers to go ahead and BE FOLLOWERS! 

And guess what?  Eight of you little lovelies answered my plea and instead of just laughing at me, you FOLLOWED me.  And I love you.  In deep, highly inappropriate ways. 

Perhaps it was because I hinted at the possibility of a special surprise.  Well, guess what?  In celebration of my eight new followers and ALL of my amazing, die-hard followers, I have not one, but TWO special surprises that celebrate the awesomeness that is my followers.  


Special Surprise #1: If you have ever ONCE questioned my love for you:

Special Suprise #2:  If you want a gauge on my level of devotion to you:

Love, hugs, unicorns, charm bracelets, bonsai trees and sloppy kisses to you, my followers.

The Word "Pact" Means Nothing to My Husband, But at Least the Vows Took.

Since I am still a total wet blanket and dying of pregnancy, my husband and I made a deal to keep Valentine's Day low-key.  More specifically, I made him SWEAR that he would get me absolutely NOTHING (Other than the obligatory card.  We are card people. Deal with it.).  

I thought he was on board with all of this, seeing as we are having a baby AND totally destitute, but I still checked in on him on more than five occasions.

"You PROMISE you didn't get me anything?"

"Yes."

"You SWEAR on your surround sound that you have NOTHING planned?"

"I SWEAR."

So I felt pretty confident that my perfect card would be a hit, seeing as it would be part of an equal exchange.  WRONG.  Here is what a pact to do NOTHING looks like:

1.

Red roses, placed by my bed so they were the first thing I saw when I woke up.

2.  

A plate a hand-dipped strawberries (in DARK chocolate, since milk chocolate makes me vom) left in the fridge for me to find while Husband was at work, along with a note that said "Valentine's Day snack.  I love you."

3. 

My favorite meal in take-out form so I wouldn't get all stabby in a restaurant packed full of people.  With candlelight and music and a fire in the fireplace.

Does this look like NOTHING to you?  Now, before you get all mad at me and start shouting things about how I don't appreciate all the loving and didn't properly swoon over all this, please consider this:  All I had to give this man in return was a lousy card.

Granted, the card was perfect, and I found it four weeks ago and was all psyched and bought it and hid it (and then spent two hours this morning trying to remember WHERE I hid it), but it was still just a card.

I swear, this man is always doing this.  He does wonderful romantic things, but makes me feel like a fool.  Like the Christmas where he bought me a TV AND a digital camera (seriously).  Or the next Christmas where we made a pact to only spend $25 on each other to come down from our wild spending.  Yeah, that year he gave me $25 worth of presents, and THEN brought out pearls.  And when people asked me what I got him, I had to say a DVD and the argyle socks he wanted.  How embarrassing.  

This man is wonderful and amazing, but he needs to quit making fake pacts and letting me spend as much time and effort on him as he does on me.

Fake pacts.  I should take him to court.  For giving me romance.  That'll show him.

Etsy Saturdays: VI

In support of the handmade revolution, I bring you Etsy Saturdays!  I will highlight a fun new shop every week, and I hope you will stop over to see their merchandise or find something else you love while you're there.  To see all Etsy Saturdays, click here.
*I have not been compensated in any way for this post*

I have had this shop saved in my bookmarks for a few weeks now, and I just keep going back.  I really can't say what it is about them, but I LOVE THESE SLUGS.  

Now there is something I thought I was pretty much guaranteed to never say.  But, by golly, Elizabeth Ruffing makes the cutest slugs in the history of the world.

Name your own slug, $20

You pick a name (which is put on a hand tag) and your color ...

... and, BAM, you have a slug you want to hug.  So, here's to making something not-so-cute into one of the cutest cuddlies I've seen in a while!

The Big V (Other Than Me)

I stumbled across something to day that made me want to write about Valentine's Day.  No, not a poem.  Not a lovely piece of jewelry. Not a romantic card.  THIS ...

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CLASSY.

It truly made me wish I was back in elementary school and could buy one of those boxes of cheap Valentine's Day cards to hand out to all of my friends.  But not really, because I couldn't pass these out to eight-year-olds.  

Or could I?  You never know with kids these days.  I mean, some of them have probably watched Jersey Shore more times than I have.  Those kids would totally appreciate the humor.  And the rest of them?  Well, they wouldn't understand and would take the attached sucker and throw the card away, so, no harm, no foul, right?

Anyway, it inspired me to find some not-so-serious Valentine's Day gifts.  And I think I have some winners for you. (And all those who actually know that there aren't enough days to have these shipped in time for Valentine's Day -- SHUT IT.  This post is still relevant.)

Giant Wine Glass, $14.99 from www.perpetualkid.com

I can guarantee this would be the way to many a woman's heart.  Women I know.  Maybe even me.  I mean, NOT me ... I'm pregnant. So ... 

Okay, next gift!

2 Carat Cup, $14.49 from www.perpetualkid.com

Your wedding ring not big enough for you?  Well, you can pretend to be a Real Housewife of Orange County (or New York, or Atlanta, or whatever.  I don't discriminate.) with every sip of your morning coffee.  Important note for men:  Do not, do NOT buy this in lieu of an actual ring.  It will NOT be as funny as it sounds in your head.

I always love the selection of "Anti-Valentine's" gifts.  And you know you love them too. 

Magic Frog to Prince, $4.95 from www.baronbob.com

Still looking for the right man?  Want to pretend that fairy tales exist?  Have we got your man!  And a steal on clearance for under five bucks!  

Better than a Boyfriend Soap, $7.99 from www.perpetualkid.com

At first I didn't ... GET this soap.  I mean, just reading the title, well, AHEM, I had some curious ideas and was afraid it might be a little racy for this site (I mean, I do assume that you all read these posts to your children as bedtimes stories.  Right?  RIGHT?), but then I read the description and about died!

It leaves you smelling lovely, feeling soft and beautiful, and there's no emotional scarring!  Now, show us a boyfriend who does all that!  Use this soap and use it good ... then move on to another one!

The Ex Voodoo Knife Set, $69.99, from www.perpetualkid.com

This one kills me.  Better than a voodoo doll, because this is also very practical!  Stress relief and knife storage all in one.  Priceless. It even has a 25-year manufacturer's warranty, so it is guaranteed to get you through 25 years of anger at exes!  Amazing!


And finally, if you dare, a list of eight gifts -- a few funny, a few ridiculous, and a few ... well.  You know.  (This is the part where you end the bedtime story, tuck your kids in, and enjoy this elsewhere.)  But I bet you haven't seen these before!: 8 Unusual Valentine's Day Gifts

Happy Valentine's Day, no matter how you choose to spend it!

Touche, Canine

I have the best dog in the world.  I know some other dog owners right now are scoffing at me and shouting at the computer, "NO!  MY dog is the best dog in the world!"  


Well, guess what?  You're wrong.


My dog is the sweetest, most polite, docile dog.  She is also very in tune with us.  If we are just chillaxing, she just chillaxes with us. If we want her to run around and entertain us, she does so, and then as soon as we are done, she is calm and done.  When I'm crying, she's there to snuggle me and look me in the eye, asking me if I am okay.  If I'm sick, she sticks to me like glue, and is my little nurse dog.  She is amazing.


We see a lot of this:

And this:

And this:

And just last night I was telling Jeremy how chill she is.  


But I was wrong.  Things changed this morning.  Now, I think my dog ... thinks I am lame.


It all started when I noticed her face looked different.  Like, maybe she was bored.  But that was silly, so I put it out of my mind.


But then instead of chilling by my feet, she started looking up at me expectantly, like this:

And I was like, "What? I'm not lame.  ... I'm NOT!"  So I had this awesome plan to make a huge list of all the reasons I am NOT lame. But I had some struggles.  Instead, I decided to take her outside to our snow apocalypse in the back yard so she could bound around and play.  Would a lame person do that?  I think not.

She had a ball.  The pictures are really bad, but I have a hard time keeping up with her.  She loves snow so much!

Totally not lame.


But then after we came in, she just stood there, like, "ummmm ... was that it?  What next?"

And I was like, "Exsqueeze me dog?  We just spent twenty minutes running in snow drifts.  You get two walks a day, play time, snuggle time, and grooming time, not to mention the HOURS I spend telling you you are a pretty dog and an angel dog and pretty pretty princess.  And now you are calling me lame?"

So, I wrote this, and she got sick of waiting for me to entertain her and is sleeping on the floor again.  If this keeps up, I have no idea how to be a more exciting dog owner.


UPDATE:  Okay, I just figured out why this was bothering me:  If I can't properly entertain a DOG, how will I entertain a CHILD???